Pressure on my face wakes me up from my slumber. I let out a soft groan in confusion. When I open my heavy eyelids, I see Jungkook's arm laid out on my side of the bed with his hand on my face.
Jesus. I take it and throw it back onto his chest. It falls onto his skin with a loud slap. It wasn't enough to wake him, but he stirs with a smack of his lips. He turns his body towards me, nudging his head into my shoulder.
I blinked in realization. Jungkook's sleeping. I woke up and he's still sleeping.
I've lived with him long enough to know what that means. Jungkook was awake the whole night.
I shift myself to face Jungkook and pull him into my embrace as tenderly as possible. He seemed to still be in a drowsy state when he simply dragged a leg over mine and rubbed his head against my chest.
I run my hand through his hair and rest my cheek on his head with a pout. I wonder what other kinds of stress he's hiding from me in that brain. Sometimes I wish he wouldn't keep these things from me, but with the way I am now, I know I'm far from strong enough to carry the weight of two people. It makes me feel helpless and angry with myself. Why can't I just flip a switch and be fine? Why does Jungkook have to do more than I can do for him?
"You're awake?" I lean back when I hear his muffled voice. He lifts his head up and looks at me with his eyes barely open. I smile when he greets me with a grin. Now fully awake, Jungkook wraps an arm around my torso and I feel his hand running up and down my skin.
"So soft." He grinned into my chest, and leaving tender kisses. I scoff despite being absolutely swooned by how baby he looks in my arms.
"You're disgusting."
"No, I mean it," He looked up just to meet my eyes, then dug himself right back in, "It wasn't this soft before."
"Maybe you're just too tired," I said, taking this opportunity to bring it up.
"Did you sleep okay?" I tried asking, and in that moment he removes himself from me and sits up. I watch worriedly with my head still on the pillow.
"Yeah!" He exhaled, "I slept alright." He slipped off of the bed and headed towards the closet, probably to grab a pair of pants to wear, "You? Did you sleep well?"
I shake my head, "Liar. You didn't even sleep."
He turns to look at me for a second, then breaks the gaze to slip on his sweatpants. Jungkook slowly made his way back onto the bed and I couldn't keep the frown off of my face.
"I'm sorry," Jungkook fell back onto the mattress and reached for my waist to hug me. I let him and helped him move my body onto his.
"I just had a lot to think about last night," He hooked his chin over my shoulder.
"Yeah?" I rested myself at the crook of his neck, closing my eyes, and simply waiting for him to talk about it.
"Can you let me in on what you were thinking?"
"You want to hear it?"
I lean away from Jungkook and rest my head on my hand, "Of course I do,"
I'm laying on the bed wearing nothing but my underpants, and my hair is an unflattering tangled mess. I don't need to know what my face looks like now. But after so many mornings with him, you start forgetting to care. And when you realize he still looks at you like you are the most beautiful woman on earth, you learn that you don't have to care.
"I don't know what to tell you," Jungkook had a sullen look on his face as he ran a hand through my hair, "I just...I don't know. We've been here for two weeks. And last night I was kind of panicking, I guess. I don't think I'm ready to go back."
"Do you want to talk about it? We can panic together," Jungkook turns his head to look at me and chuckles with a shake of his head.
His eyes don't leave mine and it makes me wonder what he's thinking right this moment. He really seems off this morning, and I don't know what it is about that gaze, but I know he's hiding something from me. Something that he's wants to get off his chest.
"You know nothing will be the same when we go back, right?" Jungkook reached over to caress my thigh.
I nod, "Yeah, you'll be busier with the law suit and eventually quit your-"
"No, Aera,"
No?
I sit up with my eyebrows furrowed, "What?"
"Not just me. It'll change for you too."
By the looks of his expression, I can tell he doesn't mean any positive changes. I fold my legs and hug them close to my chest, "What do you mean?"
"You can't go back to work, Aera. You can't go back to the orphanage."
That made soemthing in my stomach drop, I swallow thickly. I've been trying not to think about this. Even though I know why, I still ask him, "Why?"
"You haven't physically been there for months. Think about when you go back, people even recognize you on the street now. How can you work like that? How can everybody else? And the children? The orphanage will just turn into a shooting spot for the paparazzis."
My gaze falls to the mattress and I feel a lump building in my throat. I have to change my life again. I have to be ripped away from Lana again. I was thinking about doing this job for the rest of my life. I wanted to watch Lana grow up like that, keep her close to me. I know I don't have to worry about finding a job with this popularity I've gained. But that's not what it's about.
Why do I have to keep compromising, keep adjusting my life for the sake of others? Every change I've ever made in my life has never been done willingly.
"Okay," I replied quietly.
"I'm sorry," Jungkook retracted his hand from my skin.
"No," I shook my head just the slightest with my chin resting on my knee, "Don't apologize, it's not your fault."
It's silent between us for a moment.
"It is," Those two words travelled to my ears loud and clear.
I lift my head up from my leg and look at Jungkook with a frown and reply without hesitation, "No it's not."
"It is," He meets my eyes, "I've ruined your life, Aera. Think about it."
"That is the most hilarious thing you've ever said," I try to laugh, but the stare he's giving me tells me he's serious. I quiet down.
"Think about it," He says again with a swallow, "You were fine in high school, you had a new start and everything was fine. And then you met me, suddenly you're taken out of your apartment, out of your school. You're made to adjust yet again to a new environment, for no reason at all. Fast forward to now-"
"Jungkook," I sigh, "That was your father! I don't know what you were thinking last night, but you've done nothing but make my life-"
"You got social anxiety because of me!" He interrupted with his voice straining. I looked at him and his whole face was flaming red. His eyes bulged out and were wet with a layer of tears.
I don't know what he's mad at. Me for disagreeing or at himself? Why is he so upset? I hugged myself tighter as he breathed heavily. Jungkook's usually so tender, I can never get used to him being so aggressive.
"You locked yourself in the house for more than a month, you couldn't even talk to people. Now you have to take these fucking pills all the fucking time and you can't even function without them. I still remember that morning I woke up to you having a panic attack. If only you saw how you were shaking and sweating all over the place."
I know how I was that morning. I know how I scared him because trust me, I was terrified of myself too. Maybe even more than he was.
"You must've thought about the reason behind all this before, right? Why you had to lose so many things so many goddamn times, why you had that panic attack that morning, why you had that nightmare? Did it not occur to you that all these things lead back to me?"
I honestly replied, but my voice was small as I did, "No." I don't know why I feel like I'm being scolded by him right now. Is it wrong of me to not blame my battles on him? Does he want me to? What is the point of all this?
"No?"
"No," I shake my head again surely.
"Why?" He cried out, and I looked back up at him to see tears streaming down his face. My lips parted in shock and I felt my heart ache.
"Everytime I see you struggle with the media, everytime I see you take your medication, I feel so guilty, Aera. I did this to you, I know I never intended to hurt you but I did."
He's insane. That is the most incorrect thing I've ever heard in my entire life. I've never heard anything more wrong. Why is he torturing himself with these thoughts? He's the best thing that's ever happened to me. Everybody knows this. But apparently he doesn't. I scoot closer to him and hold his cheek, rubbing the tears off with my thumb.
"And I just can't accept you being around me all day like this and not even realizing that. Me being around you is...I'm poison to you, Aera. Whenever I'm around, bad things happen to you and-"
"So you regret marrying me?"
He went silent then.
That's what I thought.
"I told you," I wiped all his tears away with my palms, "Don't be sorry. None of these things happened because of you," He opens his mouth to argue but I cover his lips with my thumb.
"Let's be rational and logical right now, okay?" It's sort of funny how in his head he's supposed to be apologizing, but I'm the one comforting him right now.
"You were talking about Lana and I being sent to the orphanage. That was your father, he did it because I was in the way of his plans. You never wanted to be apart of his plans, or even be a public figure. Hey, you didn't even get to choose your own life, you should be sorry for yourself first," I chuckled, tapping his nose with a forced smile.
Sometimes I forget how fragile Jungkook is. It comes with his sensibility. He's probably trying to convince himself that he doesn't deserve me. He does that a lot. Not just with me. Jungkook is always looking for negative things to say about himself. I still don't fully understand why. Maybe it's the fear of not being good enough for the life he has, not good enough to be the ceo of a company, not good enough to build relationships. I don't think he's forgiven himself for what happened with Haeyoung yet. That must be it. We talk about so much, we even talk about his father and his mother. But never Haeyoung. He never brings it up. I haven't heard a single word from him since finding out about it four years ago.
"And you're talking like my life is over, I'm fine, I'm still here am I not? It's just a few setbacks," I shrugged, "We all go through it. And now I have you and the right friends around me. I know whatever it is, I can get through it. And you too, you know you have me, right?"
He still thinks he's that selfish and immature teenager.
Maybe we're not so different. On the inside, we're both traumatized teenagers afraid to grow up, afraid to move on and be who we need to be.
"You're doing great, Jungkook." I managed to say, "You're being a great husband, a great son, a great man, even. You always tried to do your best with work, even if it's not work that you like. It's just in you to do your best, and I admire that," I hold his cheeks in my hands to make him look at me.
"But let yourself go sometimes. You don't have to handle everything at once. You're human, Jungkook. And it's also not your responsibility either when things go wrong. It's not your job to fix everything, and that's okay. Do you get that?"
It's strange how these things are so much easier to say when it's for someone else. Why is it so hard to love and cherish yourself like that? Why does it get so hard that we only know how to put ourselves down?
Jungkook nods just the slightest, then closes his eyes and shifts his head to kiss my palm, "I'm still sorry. I get that I had no power over these things, but I hate feeling like I'm a living curse. And that's the worst part. I don't even do anything and bad things happen. That's worse than me making mistakes."
I slide my hand to his neck and pull him close until my lips reach his forehead, "I know. And I would do anything to change that for you if I could."
It must've been a rough night for him, being all alone with his mind like that.
"Do you want to go take a shower? Freshen up? Maybe you'll feel better after."
"Are you going to shower with me?" He peered up with a small smirk and I snort, nudging him a little.
I look at the clock on the side of the room, "I will. 'It'll save some time. We have paragliding this afternoon. Come on," I pat his cheek before hopping off of the bed. I head into the bathroom and let Jungkook take his time to follow me.
I undress the single piece of clothing and kick my underwear to the floor right as Jungkook stumbled his way in. He walks past me to the mirror and takes a long look at himself.
I leave him in the bathroom when I realized forgot to get any clean clothes. I jump around, cold and naked to the closet. I grab a random hoodie laying around and scurry back inside the bathroom.
I brush past his shoulder and hopped into the shower.
"Hey Aera," I see Jungkook grabbing the pack of pads resting at the edge of the counter, "These haven't been opened. Your period's not here yet?"
I turn on the shower head and adjust the water, I test the temperature with my hand, "No," I look up at him, "Not yet."
His face becomes long and drained, "Doesn't that mean-"
"No Jungkook, I'm not a robot. My pills mess up my menstrual cycle and they were already all over the place before I started taking medication. Come inside, the water's warm now."
Jungkook still looked worried, "Are you sure?" He fishes for his phone in his pocket and taps around before looking at me again, I'm guessing he was looking for the calendar, "You're a whole week late."
I groan, "I know, Jungkook. That's what happens sometimes, I know what's happening, don't worry. Now come inside."
He finally puts the pads down and starts stripping. I get it though, why Jungkook is feeling paranoid. We're going through a lot of changes, and this marriage alone is the reason for many of them. It's so pressuring for him, I can only assume that the stress is making him very sensitive to these things. I have to be more gentle with him.
"Coming in," His clothes finally hit the floor and I smile, watching my husband hop into the shower with his dirty expression on and his hands open and ready to grab me.