"What were you like as a teenager?"
We treaded along the suspension bridge with Jungkook's arm around my waist. It's a popular spot in Bhutan, I've read it in nearly every Bhutan guide on the internet. It leads to a palace, but I don't know if my body can even make it over this bridge. My legs are already tired, but Jungkook seems to enjoy it.
"You knew me already, why are you asking?" I slowed down to look at the prayer flags draped over the sides.
"I mean before you met me. We were already eighteen by then. I want to know more about you."
And now we're in our twenties. It's bizarre to think that we're what people call 'highschool sweethearts'. As much as I wanted to, I never really believed that high school relationships last either. How time has kept us together like this is beyond me.
"You're asking after you've already married me, isn't that a little late?" I teased, poking at his chest that seemed to push my weak finger right back.
"Whatever Aera, just answer me, I'm curious."
"Well," I exhaled, looking down at the river below us. The wind blew and sent the bridge swaying. I held onto the metal rope tightly as Jungkook did the same.
"I was a little pessimistic as I am now, but really determined in some ways. I wanted to do a lot of things, you know I wanted to be an idol singer, right?" I turned to look at him with a laugh. So many things just feel ridiculous to me now.
"Yeah, I knew that."
"I was a 'people-person' before my parents died. I had lots of friends, not that we were all close or anything. High school friendships are you know...not much." I shrugged at the memories, seeing as I don't remember much of anything good to relish on. Definitely not the bullies. Or Mark.
Dr.Kim has been trying to get me to talk about it lately, most specifically about Mark. He isn't pushing me, but I know he wants me to. I sort of felt like I escaped Dr.Kim when I got on the airplane. Here's to one month of running way from my trauma. It's not exactly the greatest thing I've done for myself.
"I was very loud, very vocal about everything." Jungkook seemed to like that when he chuckled lightly at such an insignificant detail, "Maybe people liked that then. Now I'd just be seen as annoying."
"You sound adorable, maybe I would've liked you then."
I roll my eyes. This man is so swooned sometimes he looses his judgment. I'm the one he's swooning over, and even I know that. We weren't even back together for a year when he proposed, and I agreed. I guess I can't say that I'm any better.
"No you wouldn't have," I nudge his stomach with a small grin. It's so easy to run away when you're in your own personal paradise with your favourite person in the world, and no one else. No responsibilities, no enemies, nothing. I know I shouldn't get too comfortable here.
"You don't know that," He nudged me back with a stronger force, and I go stumbling towards the side of the bridge. I can tell he didn't mean it by the small frozen look of shock on his face. Jungkook pulls me back by my waist and we continue to walk towards the palace at the end of the bridge.
"Hey...Jungkook?" I stop us again and ask for his attention with my teeth nibbling at my bottom lip.
"Yeah?" I look up, and Jungkook has on this gaze so soft I feel my heart literally grow warmer. Sometimes I know he looks at me like that just to see me flustered. He knows the impact of his actions. Jungkook isn't an aggressive or dominant person. He doesn't have much control over my life, and he never tells me what to do. So when Jungkook wants to have an upper hand in moments like this, or when he wants me to be submissive in bed, I let him.
A man that's attractive and respectable will have a dominant personality—even when the man is as warm and gentle like Jungkook. It's just a matter of when and where it comes out. I've slowly come to learn that about him.
"You...love me for who I am, right?"
Jungkook looked at me like I was stupid.
"Yeah, obviously what-"
"But what if I become someone else?"
Jungkook paused right then. He looked confused, or maybe taken off guard.
"What if my entire personality changes in a few years? Or my body? What if I get in a car crash and I lose my face?" I gulped, looking at the floor for answers of how to put my words together, "You said you'd like me if you saw me in middle school, but that's because you like who I am now. What if I change? Am I still the same person to you if I just have the same name?"
"Why are you stressing yourself out like this, Aera," Jungkook sighed when he pulled me into an embrace. His hold around me was soft and loose. I rested my head on his warm chest in silence, waiting for a reply. I closed my eyes when I felt him pat my head.
"Yes, I love who you are but...it's not like that. It's not just that. Would you still love me if I changed? If I cut my hair, or if I get tired of working out? If I change my interests, or...if I change my entire life by quitting my job?"
I unhesitatingly replied and revealed the flaw in my doubts, "Yes."
"See?" Jungkook pulls us apart and takes a look at me with his hands on my shoulders. He stops to think, I let him.
"You can't think of people like objects. Objects are still-things. If something morphs or is broken, we throw it away. People change and evolve, it's what's natural for us. There is no absolute personality or category that defines you, Aera. The young chatty girl in middle school was you, and the more reserved lady who feels hesitant at times now is still you. So what if you change?"
Jungkook shrugs, "Who cares? Anything you are before you die is you, and that's what I'm here for. Loving someone to me is wanting to stick around to watch that change, to see and experience all the different stages of their life with them. And I want to experience everything with you, Aera. I want to grow with you. I don't want to stay in one place. Anyone who says they love you but only want a certain version of you?" He shakes his head in disapproval.
"That's not love. They just benefit from that part of you."
Maybe Jungkook should be my therapist, he's quitting his job soon anyway. I tip toe to leave a gentle kiss on his lips and come back down to hug him.
"Maybe next time before you ask me something like that, ask yourself first. Will I still love Jungkook if his farts smell 'horrendous'? Yes. Will I still love Jungkook if his hair doesn't always look the best and may even look like seaweed? Yes."
I laugh into his chest just as I feel the same vibrations on my cheek. I tilt my head up to look at his face. I brush the strands of hair to the side and hold his cheek, "I love you."
He nods confidently, "Exactly."
I grin. Every time I look at him I'm proven again that I've striked gold with him. Jungkook's arm falls from my waist to hold my hand. Once our fingers interlock, he pulls me forward and closer towards the end of the bridge. I suppose he's tired of stopping now.
"Is there bungee jumping in Bhutan, Aera?" We continued to walk and I look at him, he's gazing at the view below us with his eyes revealing his hunger for thrill.
"No," I watched as the anticipation drained from his eyes, "They have paragliding though."
"Yeah?" He seemed more cheered up at the sound of that. "We should do that before we leave. What else?"
"Stay in bed?"
Jungkook snorts as he squeezes my hand, "You were the one that wanted to come here."
"Maybe we shouldn't have gotten such a good hotel. The bed is really nice." I say that, but I know Jungkook has been waking up sore these days. He's not used to it. I see him crouching over on the side of the bed with his hand on his back when he gets up. I should give him a massage tonight.
"You don't sleep that well in the bed at home. Is our bed not comfortable?" He sounded genuinely concerned. We look like an old couple, walking on the bridge, talking about insignificant little things. I hope when I'm old I'll have the energy to go walk around the park with him.
"It is," It better be, with it probably costing half of my monthly salary. "I guess it's just so much easier to sleep knowing I don't have to wake up to what I usually...have to put up with."
He hummed quietly, and we spent the rest of the time walking towards the historic palace in silence.
-
A/N:
Bhutan is so beautiful :(
the bridge is what connects the village to the palace. it was an administrative/religious centre. now it's currently the winter residence of the monk body.