Chapter Thirty-Six
I found out about Tiffany being a little sneak when I opened the door, because the doorknob hit her in the nose. She fell onto her butt with a squeak and skittered across the hall, pressing her back to the wall as I threw the door the rest of the way open and met her stunned eyes.
We stared at one another for a good ten seconds, my mouth dropped open and hers twisted into a please-don't-kill-me smile, one hand clamped over her reddened face and the other held up between us like a shield.
"What are you doing?" I asked, tone sandwiched somewhere between disbelief and mounting annoyance. I couldn't help but glare a little while I shut the door behind me and leaned on it, and while we exchanged looks she swallowed, smiled, and laughed nervously. "Why were you listening in on our conversation?"
Tiffany fidgeted.
"I totally have no idea what you mean, Aerin!" she chirped, lies written as plain as day on her face. "I wasn't listening in on anything. Really."
"Oh, cut the crap, Tiffany," I snapped, shaking my head. "You wouldn't have been listening at the keyhole unless you suspected something."
She chewed on her lower lip with a face covered in guilt, staring down at her lap pathetically as she tried to keep her mouth shut, but it was quickly becoming obvious that she was a full-blown gossip girl at heart: a shut mouth was anathema to her very nature.
"How could I not? Leo dropped me a few hints, and after walking in on you two, I was curious to see if Bash was really... well, into you," she said at last, voice squeaking out the syllables. "Not that I asked him, of course, it's just that Bash is acting so different now, like he's consumed by you, and it was unexpected... I had to wonder what your relationship was! And I mean, I never would have guessed that you were actually into—that you were into—"
"Into what?" I snapped. "Foul-tempered werewolves?"
Tiffany started to nod, but then she stopped. Her perfectly trimmed eyebrows knit together and her glossed lips parted, and it took a good minute or so for her to finally say, "what are you talking about?"
That sure threw me for a loop.
"What are you talking about?" I asked.
"BDSM! Like, duh?" Tiffany piped; the bottom fell out of my stomach. "I was wondering what sort of guys you're into, and you know, more personal stuff, so I asked Leo —subtly, of course, because I didn't mean to pry or anything—and well, he said that you and Bash were probably a good pair and I asked what he meant, and he said that you gave him a seriously masochistic vibe!"
I listened to her speech with a brain numbed by metaphorical Novocain, and when she was finished I just stared at her. Her face had gone from jubilant to gentle.
"It's okay, Aerin," she said softly, reaching out a hand so she could grab my free one and squeeze it. "There's nothing wrong with liking... liking..." She went crimson. "I mean, there's nothing bad about being into that sort of... I mean... yeah, Sebastian was acting really, really cruel when it came to you, and I wondered why that was, but now it all makes sense—"
"I am not," I growled, "a masochist!"
"You're not?" she squeaked, hand freezing around mine. "B-but Leo, he said you and Sebastian—"
"I don't like abuse! I don't like being in pain!" I snapped, face flaming with anger. "And for the damn record, I'm actually a versatile top! I prefer slinging it over taking it, so you can take that assumption and shove it right back up Leo's ass where it came from!"
This seemed to take her by such surprise that she gawked, but then the strangest thing happened: she started to grin, and I don't mean playfully, I mean it was downright evil.
"Ohoho," she chuckled, wiggling her eyebrows when my face started burning in horror, "that might be a problem if you're actually into Bash. He'll never submit himself to anyone like that."
I rubbed my face and let out a disheveled sigh.
"Listen," I muttered, finally meeting her eyes, "everything going on between Sebastian and me is already so complicated and disturbing that I'm having trouble working my way through it, so the last thing I need is for you or anyone else to start acting like the two of us banging each other would be a normal thing to do, especially in light of everything that's already happened."
The smile faded a bit as she said, "but Sebastian is--"
"Hot as fuck, chiseled from head to toe, and hung like a horse," I finished, averting my eyes when she grinned yet again, "but he also took me from my home by force, physically assaulted me in ways that I've never experienced before and never want to experience again, many times, and up until recently he was mostly hostile, brutish, and cruel."
"But that's---"
"Getting into a relationship with him of any sort, be it sexual or deeper, right after going through all of that trauma wouldn't just be unhealthy, Tiffany," I again interrupted, glaring her down, "it would be downright stupid!"
"No it wouldn't!" she argued. "Bash isn't a bad guy, Aerin! Yes, he's a grump, and yes, he's terrifying when he thinks someone is a danger, but he's not evil! He's not the big bad wolf, and you're not little red riding hood, so chill out already! He apologized! And he never apologizes!"
"So?" I flatly countered, unfazed by how she gawped at me in disbelief. "Sorry can't take back broken bones or the memories of being hurt. Plus, he and I are still just strangers to each other, and I've never been the sort of guy to fuck random people without knowing them."
"But Aerin---"
"NO!" I snarled, stomping my foot and glaring at her through a sudden film of red. "The only reason I'm still here right now is because of the circumstances!"
"Circumstances?" Tiffany asked, eyes widening. "What circumstance?"
"You, me, this, all of it!" I snapped. "We're not human beings anymore, Tiffany! Believe me, I never would have agreed to give him a chance if we were! Ever! But we aren't! He's a werewolf, I'm a vampire, and his hostility was understandable because I get what I'm like! I hated myself just as much as he hated me long before he even knew I was around! All of this right now is pure circumstance! And you know what? I might give him a chance! He knows what's it like to have eternity stretching on ahead of you, endlessly, with nothing to look forward to, ever, and despite all the awful shit he did to me, he's one of the few people in this whole damn world who might just be able to understand me as a person, but in the here and now, it's still confusing, it's still insane, and I'm not okay with it! Do you have a problem with that or something?!"
By the time I finished ranting she seemed desperate for escape, pretty eyes darting left and right as she pressed herself tight up against the wall. "I... I was just hoping that Bash finally found someone he was into since he's normally closed off! And Leo said--"
"Said what?" I snarled. "What did he say to you?"
"He said 'They've been kissing each other like crazy, and that's all I'm saying', and I just let it go after that!" she stammered, not looking at me.
"And before that?" I pressed. "I want to hear the entire conversation!"
"Why do you want to know the entire—"
"Tiffany!"
"Okay, okay!" she squeaked. "When he was walking to the kitchen after getting back from Moonies I pulled him aside and said, 'So, is Sebastian, like, into Aerin or something? Because he's been staring at his butt, like, a lot' but he just laughed and said that it wasn't my business, but when I told him it was, he said you were a masochist and that's why Sebastian was all for it, and then he said that Richard told him that he saw you and Sebastian kissing and grinding like cats in heat!"
I stared down at her for a few seconds. Then: "And those were his... exact words?"
"Of course, just like you asked for!" she said, obviously pleased with herself.
I took a moment, staring off into space.
"I'll kill him."
Her pleasure dissolved into fear and guilt and apprehension.
"Chill, Aerin, your sexual kinks are nothing to be ashamed of—" she began, hopping to her feet so she could take me by the shoulders and stare soulfully into my eyes, but I shrugged her off with a snarl.
"I'm going to kill him!" I yelled; I turned and started to clomp off down the hallway, but then I backtracked on a relieved-looking Tiffany whose face quickly fell back into fear-Aerin mode... not that I really blamed her. With a voice laced through with venom, I snarled, "where is he?"
She stuttered the word 'kitchen' before I left her in a quaking pile of terrified werewolf.
The kitchen was dim when I finally got there, the only light coming from the bulb above the sink. I could smell food coming from the steaming pots and pans on the stove, but the window behind the sink showed that it was completely dark outside, which threw me a little off guard.
What time is it? I momentarily wondered, frowning. I really need a clock.
Leo, oddly enough, stood over the pots and was whistling to the otherwise empty room as he stirred one of them with a ladle, but when I threw the door open and it hit the wall with a bang he jumped and spun around with the ladle raised like a weapon. He was, to my astonishment, wearing a frilly pink apron. I hope you understand why, in that case, it took me so damn long to stop staring at him, stride into the room, and rekindle my anger all over again.
"Hello?" he asked, glancing down at his apron before raising an eyebrow at me. "Something wrong? If its the apron, I happen to value my clothes, and this is the only one we have, so—"
"You!" I shrieked, pointing at him. "You! I AM NOT A MASOCHIST!"
Leo's expression looked like someone had told him Tiffany was actually a man. Honey-gold eyes snapped open wide, and they totally did not reflect the guilt I had expected to see in them, but I hardly cared as I came at him with gnashing fangs and copious amounts of growling.
"Um, what?" he asked, flabbergasted. "Who said you were?"
"You did!" I stamped my good foot on the ground once. "To Tiffany! You told her that Sebastian and I were good for each other because I'm a masochist and he's, like, the ultimate sadist! You even told her that Richard told you that he saw us kissing each other!"
"Wait, what?" Leo snorted, and he started shaking his head quickly from side to side. "Nein, Nein, you have it wrong, I didn't say that!"
"Oh come off it, Leo," I sneered. "She told me what you said word for word."
A light bulb appeared to have detonated somewhere in the vicinity of his head.
"Are you... referring to the night she made a comment about Bash staring at your ass?" he asked, walking around the table toward me. "Aerin, I never said you were a masochist... I told her that Bash was into you because you're so damn submissive. I never said you were masochistic."
"But she quoted you word for word and swore up and down that you said I was a masochist, and also that I kissed Sebastian so we were pretty much perfect for each other!"
"Well, technically you did kiss him, and I don't say that just because Richard told me," he said in amusement, poking me in the forehead with a finger. "I saw you doing it myself, again, just last night. It was quite the sight... never seen such a steamy kiss in my whole damn life. Bash looked like he was going to fuck you right there in the hallway."
My face flamed and I swallowed, instantly having a flashback to the way he'd wrapped my leg around his bare skin, eyes burning into mine, lips sending shockwaves of heat and pleasure through my belly... I shook my head and pushed the thoughts away.
I wouldn't even dare to think that we'd had an audience for that one.
"Not the goddamn point!" I hissed. "Yeah, we kissed each other multiple times but as of right now it means nothing! And now I'm going to repeat myself for the third time! YOU TOLD HER THAT I WAS A MASOCHIST AND INSINUATED THAT SEBASTIAN AND I ARE A THING!!"
"And I'm telling you again that I didn't!" he protested, and when he raised his hand to point at my face he almost hit me with the ladle still clenched in his fist. I batted it aside and he tossed it on the table with a curse, and then he stripped the apron off over his head because fifteen seconds of fumbling with the knots got him nowhere.
"Look," he said once the deathtrap of an apron had been cast aside, "Tiffy came up to me and started asking if you and Sebastian were messing around and since he made such a damn big show of carrying you off like a princess last night who the hell can blame me for assuming he fucked you?"
"F-f-f--" I spluttered, mortified. "We didn't f-f-f--"
"You wanted to, though," he purred, eyes sliding to half mast; my heart skipped a beat and my throat caught with the way he eyed me. "Your behavior patterns don't lie, Aerin, but more than that... all of us can smell it on you. He turns you on, bad, so its not surprising he came around."
I floundered for a response but couldn't find one.
"But... but Tiffy, she... we..." I whispered, blankly, because all thought was gone... but then I found myself, found my center, and a wash of calmness came over me. "I'm not ready for a relationship, Leo. Not after what he did to me. I do think he's hot, you're right, and he does turn me on... it'd be hard to say no if he wanted to mess around, but I just can't. Not until I get to know him better! Nothing between us is certain, and that's why I'm pissed at you!"
"Pissed at me?" he snorted, face instantly darkening. "For what?"
"For thinking its normal to want to sleep with the man who tortured me!" I immediately shouted, incensed; he blinked, face shifting into an expression of startled surprise. "It's not normal, Leo! Just because you guys are finally coming around and opening up, one by one, it doesn't mean that what was done to me before this was all right! That's the point I've been trying to make all along! Sure, you're trying to be nice now that you know I'm not a threat, but its not gonna easy for you to get close to me since you already put me through living hell! I haven't even had time to get over it yet! So, with all due respect, please back the fuck off!"
Leo folded his arms when I finished, shaking his head.
"Tiffany might not be as brilliant as she thinks she is but she's not blind and neither am I," he said a little thoughtfully. "I don't know why the fact that we speak of it upsets you. If anything you should be glad that Bash even gives enough of a fuck to want you like that, particularly since he's never shown open interest in anyone even once during all the years I've known him."
I processed that, but slowly, because my cooling anger still made it hard to think.
"Not to mention, even if you do end up screwing each other, where's the harm in talking about it?"
"What do you mean?!" I cried, outraged all over again. "He tortured me, Leo! He literally made me a prisoner in my own home! Do you not know how fucking awful that was for me?! To know that if he really killed me, nobody would ever know what he'd done?! He threatened my life multiple times, he forced me to sign away the ownership to my own home because otherwise he was gonna snap my neck, and then he destroyed the place I felt safest in! The place I spent most of my life in! And you have the audacity to ask where the fucking harm is?! It's EVERYWEHRE!"
"Aerin--"
"Did he even tell you guys that I was driven so far into a corner after I first met him that I tried to fucking kill myself?" I hysterically shouted at him, ranting. "I tried to walk into direct sunlight! I was going to! And after all the shit I went through, I was forcefully brought here! I didn't have a choice! I was essentially forced out of my home, Leo--which, just for the record, is all the way back in fucking Michigan with more than half of my belongings!"
"Aerin, I--"
"The fact is," I interrupted, slashing a hand through the air, breathing hard, "that I have no intention of becoming involved with him at all until I'm sure that I'm safe here. You guys are scared that I'll do something to hurt you, but what about me? I already have been hurt!"
"That's not--"
"Oh, shut up and stop interrupting me!" I blurted, not even caring that his face reddened with anger at my outburst. I leveled a finger at him angrily. "I was thrown in a closet and locked inside it for hours on end, I was left to panic by myself after being told you guys might decide to just up and execute me! I was thrown around like a rag doll, I've been insulted regularly by almost everyone inside this house, Richard tried to kill me, he threw my belongings into a fucking fire just so he could try and hurt me even more than you all have already done, and after all that you guys have the nerve to banter with Tiffany about why Sebastian was staring at my ass?"
I waited expectantly for an answer, brows raised, teeth clenched.
He seemed flustered, but still said, "yes, because regardless of your past circumstances, he's never once checked someone out in front of us before, not in all the years I've known him! He's never shown any interest in anyone! Do you expect us to just not talk to each other about it?"
"Yeah, actually, I do!" I cried, flailing my arms. "That would be the decent thing to do if you really cared! Because like I told Tiffany, I'm at the very least open to the idea of giving him a chance once I've managed to process everything! Despite all the awful shit that was done to me before and after I came here, I'm going to give you all a chance! Because for all I know... maybe Kyle was right. I know you guys have your reasons for hating vampires, I get it, and I can be patient... but for now, I need my own space. I need my own time. I just can't get into the idea of hooking up with the guy who hurt me, and I hate that people are throwing this shit around so easily when I'm still trying to come to terms with all the awful crap that's happened. I won't be getting deeply involved with him at all until, first, I've recovered mentally, and second, I'm sure he's serious about this."
"Wait, so you are considering banging him?" Leo asked, raising an eyebrow with a smirk. "Seems like you're a walking contradiction, kiddo."
"Pfft, I'm older than you so fuck off," I snipped, sticking my tongue out. Not very adult-like, admittedly, but it worked if his twitching eye was any clue. "Nothing is going on between us right now, and even if something does it's none of your business!"
Leo had no idea how to react to that so I just crossed my arms over my chest and glared at him. The moment was short-lived, of course, because we both jumped when the door swung open with a creak. I nearly gave myself whiplash turning to look at the intruder and I went cold all over when I saw Tiffany standing there, mouth open and eyes alight.
"You and Sebastian really kissed each other?" she said in a reverent whisper. "You and Bash—you and Bash—" Her cheeks went pink as her lips curled in a goofy smile. "Multiple times! Oh my!"
It was too much for my poor brain to handle. With a scream of frustration I marched out of the room because being alone and away from Tiffany's wedding planner eyes was sounding better and better every second.
"Oi, Sourpuss!" Leo called after me. "Your television is up and ready to go!"
"Thanks!" I angrily shouted back. "I appreciate your effort!"
"You're very welcome!"
"Fuck off!"
I heard him mutter something but I didn't care. I needed to get the stress out of my system so I did the one thing I could: I poked around in every closed door I passed until I found a bathroom, and then I took a bath. Hot water, green apple shampoo, and shaving my legs—oh my god, shaving my legs! It was just so nice to strip off my clothes and unwind the sweaty bandages still wrapped around my wrist and upper torso, and once I finished soaping myself up—
"Ouch," I said when I passed a washcloth over my shoulder.
Something stung a little when the water hit it, and when I touched the place with my fingers to investigate I felt a few remnants of Richard's attack marring the juncture of my collarbone. I covered the tooth marks with my hand and squeezed my eyes shut.
I can't believe he did that, I thought, tracing the circle with a fingertip. Louise is going to lose her mind when I finally call her... we need to talk about a lot. Maybe she can help me figure out if what I'm feeling is real or a psychological disorder.
I very carefully cleaned the wound on my throat with soap and water, trying to ignore the little ball of coldness that still lingered in my chest, and I allowed myself a long, luxurious soak in the tub to ease my tense muscles when I was through.
As is wont to happen when I bathe, I began to think. Thoughts of the hell I'd been put through, the pain, and the stress, and the fear... as I lay in the hot water, hair piled in a knot on the top of my head so it could start to dry, I felt my skin grow clammy despite the heat and steam. I didn't know what I wanted from Sebastian; he still hadn't even apologized for hurting me.
Maybe if he came to care about me and did it on his own, without it being mentioned and without prompting, I could consider dating him or mating him. I had no idea. I still knew almost nothing about him and most of what I did know was that he was a hot mess in so many ways.
More than anything, I wanted my stability back. I wanted to be safe and to feel safe, the way I'd felt back before he'd shown up and revealed that the world was full of evil monsters who wouldn't hesitate to hurt innocent people. I mean, that thought alone was scary!
I lifted an arm and draped it over my face, water splattering across my cheeks. Even though I felt confused and angry and a bit lost, the thought of being wanted by someone despite my flaws, despite my insecurities, despite my vampirism was like a dream to me.
It was all I'd ever wanted.
A small part of me wanted to give in and let Sebastian do as he pleased. Waking up to him each and every morning wouldn't be so bad, would it? Having him love me, make love to me, and take me away from everything I used to know... could I do that? Could I change myself enough to finally belong and prove to everyone that I mattered?
There was a part of me that really, really wanted to, a part that knew I was indeed capable of it, but I also didn't want to get hurt. I couldn't rush this. I needed to be absolutely certain he was good for me because the last thing I needed was to let myself get into a toxic relationship.
I'd had enough of those to last me my whole life.
I opened my eyes to stare at the bathroom's tile ceiling, wondering in an almost delirious fashion how things had come to this. The world was strange and never failed to confound me. I sighed and sat up, sending water sloshing over the side of the tub.
"He already considers me his," I murmured, staring at the water as it churned around my bent knees. "In his mind, I belong to him and nobody else, but to what extent? And why? For what reason? It just doesn't add up, I can't stop feeling like he's doing all this for some other reason."
I couldn't assume that until we'd gotten to know each other better, though, so I would wait.
I would be patient, take things slow and cautiously, and see where it all went.
"Anyway," I said brusquely, settling back down into the water as I tried to change the subject of the conversation I was having with myself. I was going nuts, I just knew it. "For now, I just have to go with the flow and try to live as normally as I can under these weird circumstances."
And with a splash I sank into the water, letting it close over my head as I squeezed my eyes shut tight. A hollow roaring in my ears made thinking hard, but since I was feeling restless I got out of the tub and grabbed a towel, wrapping it around my hair so it could soak up all the water. I toweled my body dry afterward, swaddling myself in fluffy white cloth before reaching for a change of—
Oh.
Duh, I had forgotten to bring a change of clothes. There wasn't much I could do at that point so I just put on what I'd been wearing before and walked out of the bathroom, fully intent on making a call to Louise and updating her on my current situation. Hopefully she wouldn't be too mad.
Hopefully.