"And my heart will break because
I know that in the end you'll be her
Summer
Her Winter
Her Lover
Her Friend.
Her hero in the morning
Her beginning, middle, end.
But inside you would die to go back to the start
Because you lost your way
When you lost your place in my heart."
- Wayward Daughter
"My father had been planning an arranged marriage since I was born." He said as he held his hands together tightly, not looking me in the eye.
I remember feeling a sudden familiar feeling of worry. I felt as if I had been, once again, not approved of. By his father- even if we hadn't even met. An arranged marriage that was planned since birth. How was I supposed to feel about that? Andy seemed to be dropping his head, almost like he was shamed as he went on. Almost embarrassment. "It was for the company. My father made a deal with his best friend years ago that their companies would merge after I married the man's daughter."
Immediately I felt relief at how Andy declined without looking back, but eventually I saw the selfishness in my thanks, and thought about the long term outcome. If he married this woman, he would have his life handed to him. It was a dream, being the owner if two major companies, and the approval from the rest of the world. No way would the press accept the fact that The Andy Carl- Millionaire Business Man- was in a relationship with a girl who was still in high school. And even if I hadn't yet met his father, I felt the man hated me already.
"And what did he say?" I asked, meaning Andy's father after finally speaking, dismissing my long hesitation.
He met my eyes, caution filling his aquatic orbs. "He said fine."
I looked back in disbelief. "That's it?"
Andy nodded.
I thought longer, my mind wandering off to where it wasn't needed at all. It really wasn't necessary for me to go through the whole arranged-marriage thing when he and his father obviously cleared all that up.
"When were the two of you supposed to get married?" I asked curiously, seeing it annoyed him just talking about it.
He let out a deep breath as if holding in nausea, and answered- staring at the coffee table in front of him. "Eight months."
I let out a breath this time, seeing how freaking soon that was and trying to take it lightly. It hurt no matter the situation. Whether they were getting married or not, it hurt to think of how he already had someone picked out- no, made for him to spend his entire life with.
"Say something." He pleaded stressfully, waking me and making me realize I had been thinking for a while, and he was now looking at me again.
But what was I supposed to say?
"Andy..." I began without thinking, but not able to speak a word after that because he stood abruptly, taking my face in his hands almost desperately.
"No, stop right there." He demanded. "I know where you're going with this, I know that look, stop over-thinking it. It's not a big deal, it's taken care of; I swear."
It would always be so damn frustrating how he knew me so well. Honestly, I just wanted to speak without being interrupted for once.
Sure, I was considering telling him how stupid it was to give up an absolutely perfect life so damn easily, and that's because I wanted him happy. I wanted his family happy, his company, his future children. I was no grown woman with with a business-man father. I didn't have a company and billionaire-life to give to him as a wedding present. I didn't have the dream of a wedding either.
I stood there staring into thin air, finding that I- once again- was left thinking about how good another woman was for the man I loved. I again was considering... giving him up for his own good.
I needed to, because I was living too much of a selfish life.
My eyes once again met his impatient and worried blues, and I said it. "But it's what's good for you."
Immediately he released me and cursed loudly, turning away and rubbing his head in frustrating anger. "Goddammit, Diana, this is exactly why I didn't want to tell you!" He shouted his rare shout that made me flinch in surprise. He seemed to turn a bit red in anger, and I felt my fear build up in realization that I was going to let go of someone else. This time, someone who loved me.
"I'm sorry." I said back immediately, screwing how defeated I sounded.
Andy turned to face me again and gathered me tightly in his arms, and I hugged him back just as tight- both of us probably losing air. "I'm not going to lose you. I'm not letting it happen." He said in such determination, speaking a little to himself and the reminder of his business-likeness came to me again, because the way he spoke was so strong, I swear he could've been voted president.
...
"Here she comes, here she comes," I heard Connor's loud whispers and excited voice as I walked to my locker. He stood by Cole, the two of them closing in on me as I approached them, then I searched for an escape.
"We need to talk." Cole immediately said, his Tyler Mode turned on and I found my heart thumping the slightest faster at his stern tone. His serious face almost just like his brother's.
My eyebrows furrowed.
"Oh, cut it out." Connor groaned to me as if I had said something to offend him- which I'm pretty sure I didn't. "We've had enough of both you and Erin's 'oh I'm fine!' act." He shot, obnoxiously raising his voice in a mocking female way.
I continued to stare at him, feeling clueless. "We just want to know what going on." Cole stepped in, looking at me with those pleading eyes.
I ignored them and turned to get my things out of my locker. "What the fuck is your problem?" Connor demanded, frustration now evident on his face and I secretly feared the volume of his voice- wishing he'd keep it down so I could head to my class stress-free.
"My problem is that everybody is always asking me what's wrong." I groaned, slamming my locker shut and having the two guys behind me jump in shock. I felt a few stares, but I ignored them all and instead tried to calm my beating heart.
"So you're pissed off because people care about you?" Cole snapped.
"I'm pissed off because nothing is wrong." I snapped back. "I'm so fucking tired of people asking me that." Then I stormed off to a class where talking was prohibited. It was where I calmed my crazed nerves.
I was acting like a bitch, and I hated treating people I cared for like that, but I also was exhausted of lying and exhausted of slipping on this happy face when all I wanted was to go to college, be successful with Andy, have my dad back, and live away from the lies. Especially, I wanted to stop caring about Mr. Grant.
In eighth period I wanted to talk to Toby. I was wondering what she was like. What her name was, what she looked like, her personality. The thing was he was best friends with his brother, so I didn't bother, knowing he'd probably tell Andy I asked.
Mr. Grant spoke darkly as usual. He didn't glance at me, he didn't twitch when he walked past me, and I was seriously beginning to believe he was over me. He even seemed... Less pissed off. Yes, he was still incredibly angry and scary, but he wasn't as bad as when I first ended things. That was a good thing. Even if it hurt like hell.
Before calculus ended, someone sat in front of me. I knew this was about Andy because this girl had an excited sparkle in her eyes. "Career Day was awesome, huh?"
I internally cringed, telling myself to be nice because all day I hadn't been in the nicest mood. "Sure." I continued reading an Emerson book, trying to understand what I was reading.
"Was it a coincidence that he had this room or did you ask him?"
I glared at the book in front of me, knowing she was already speaking of Andy. "Honestly, that idiot didn't even tell me he was gonna be here." I said dully.
"You know what's sweet?" She began to fawn.
I didn't answer and she spoke anyway. "He acts so affectionate with you even if it's around the whole school."
Another girl turned in her chair and spoke in, "Did you see the way he looked at her when he got up on stage?" She squealed and I suddenly began to shrink back in embarrassment and held in the blush. It didn't work and they giggled.
"Diana, I don't think I've ever seen you so cute!"
"She's blushing!"
"Stop talking." A booming voice demanded, causing everyone to jump. Mr. Grant used his scary and mean voice that rushed my heartbeat. Even with him being angry and all, he still affected me.
I just hated how the world constantly revolved around Andy and I's relationship.
The two girls shared a nervous look, and turned away. I was relieved, even if my heart was going crazy.
Soon after the bell rang I was able to sprint out, going straight home.
I didn't even realize what I was doing, I was just soon standing in my room, wondering to myself why I wasn't at Andy's. He was still at work, too, so I guess it was okay. I didn't know what to do, so I just went through my closet and laughed at all the fancy and nice clothes that I hadn't worn in so long. All I ever wore those days were tshirts or sweaters and jeans. The only time I dressed nicely was when I went out with Andy or... Or when I went to Charlie's mom's house. Not that that matters anymore.
I didn't realize how long I had been looking through my clothes, but I had a feeling Andy was wondering how I was and I asked myself why he hadn't yet called. Then I remembered I left my phone downstairs.
I went down the stairs and spun into the living room, hearing my brothers greet me. "What's got you so happy?" Bailey asked in amusement.
I flashed a sweet smile to him and suddenly felt good. It was the best I felt all day, thinking about the man I love and how I was soon to talk to him. "Your hot-shot boyfriend is calling." Chris said from the kitchen and I walked in, trying my hardest not to flinch when looking at Mr. Grant. Just sitting there boredly, locking eyes with me for a split second, then looking away. I swear my pulse was going crazy.
"Hello?" Austin suddenly answered my phone and I reached for my phone, feeling like I was fighting with my older extremely-annoyingly-overprotective brother. "This is Austin, her brother." He answered in such a stern tone I felt for a second he was my father.
"Austin, what the hell?" I sighed as he pushed me back, and before I knew it I was swept off the ground by James, who laughed cruelly at me while I continued to reach for my phone.
"...Yes, she's fine. I'd like to know why I haven't yet met you." He said with a hint of sass.
"Put me down." I demanded, trying not to heat up at the feeling of being in the same room as my calculus teacher who I was in love with. Who hated me.
"...Yeah, how about tonight? At Diana's place."
I cringed.
"...A meeting? I hope it goes well," Austin said politely and I elbowed James who snickered at me. "...Then tomorrow. ....Looking forward to it, Mr. Carl." My brother listened to something Andy said and laughed genuinely. "That's right, have a goodnight. .... She's great, yes, I appreciate you taking care of her."
When I was able to hop out of James' arms, I flushed darkly, "I can take care of myself." I grumbled, crossing my arms in embarrassment.
"...Well you succeed, I'll see you tomorrow." With that they both hung up and Austin winked at me as if they held some secret between the two.
"What," I demanded.
"I like him." He suddenly said, shocking me. "He's very professional, too. How do you have a relationship with someone like that?" Austin asked in confusion.
James and his big mouth suddenly hopped in, making things worse. "You've never seen him with Diana, then. At that dinner I took her to, Andy Carl was the special guest there. When he saw her I swear he turned into a love-struck teenage boy."
I flushed again and spared a look to Mr. Grant who sat there, frozen mid-drink with his beer and glaring at me. It was a ridiculously cruel glare, one that made him grip the bottle so tight his knuckles were white, and I feared it'd shatter into his hands any second. One look that reminded me how whorish I was for cheating on him. For truly being with someone else that night at the dinner, after I stupidly said I was his.
"She almost made him forget to make his speech." James laughed and I took my phone, about to go back to my room when Bailey stopped me.
"Hey, you never told us Chance was your calculus teacher."
Maybe if I hold my breath, I'll stop breathing forever.
It didn't work. "Uh-"
"Yeah, Chance is she good in class? Does she listen?" Austin asked as if he were my father.
Oh god this is so fucking awkward.
Mr. Grant set his drink down, not looking up and just nodded boredly. I had to escape.
"I'm gonna go." I said, rushing out quickly as everyone said their goodbyes. Chris asked where I was going. I gave him a flat look.
"What do you even do there when he's gone?" He asked.
"What do you even do when he's there?" James asked cluelessly, and suddenly him and my brothers groaned in realization.
"Diana, are you at least using protection?"
I gaped at them, seeing Austin cringe. "That's- that's- none of your- god stop looking at me like that." I said quickly in embarrassment and quickly left my house without another word and went to Andy's.
Being alone there, it gave me plenty of time to hate myself and think about how I was stealing Andy's life. I loved him so much, it wouldn't be fair of me to free Charlie and imprison Andy. He deserved freedom, too.
After sitting there for a while I began thinking too much, I began telling myself to stop. I began telling myself to free him. I convinced myself he deserved the best, and I had my share of happiness. I was still too young to be so lucky. It was so wrong, I didn't want to do it.
But of course, I did.
...
"My love," He said when he got home the next day from his work. He spun me in his arms and kissed me multiple times. I knew the purpose of his excitement. He thought he was meeting my brothers, and I hated that I had to do it so soon. But I couldn't let them grow close, and I couldn't let them get along. I had to end things then and there before anymore memories were made.
"I have to say something." I said.
Andy stopped, setting me down to search my eyes. It was as if he read my mind and his forehead creased in worry. "What's going on?" He asked.
Don't be cliché, just do it.
"I want you to marry that woman."
He stared at me, trying to comprehend what I said, and as it went through his head he stopped the calmness in his eyes and I hated watching the familiar look of panic swarm through him. I'd seen it before. In Charlie's eyes.
I internally shouted at myself to stop thinking about him.
"This isn't even a discussion anymore-" He began, but I released myself from his arms and he stood still, as if making the wrong move was possible.
"I'm not letting you throw away a future like that." I said and he ran both hands over his face in a way that forced calmness on himself.
"I never should have told you." He said lowly, breathing deeply.
"It doesn't matter. I'm still only a teenager, Andy I can't give you what she can."
"You give me everything, Diana, you are my everything."
"Please don't say things like that." I pleaded, hating the affection in his pained eyes. "I'm sorry." I found myself suddenly hating apologies. They'd been leaving my mouth too easily, too often. I was tired of saying I was sorry, because I was.
"I told you before that I'm not letting you go." He said in determination.
I shook my head, knowing it was going to be a long conversation, and it would take a little more than please and sorry to get him to agree with me. All I knew was, I was going to make him marry her. Even if it meant making him hate me as well.
"Think about it," I began, "Can you really see a future with me?"
"That doesn't matter-"
"Yes it does!" I said loudly, frustration shooting at him. I didn't want to hurt him, but I couldn't help my temper at the time. I felt like a child. "You're a man, you have so much just paved for you. You're an idiot if you expect me to let you to just give that up for me."
"It's not just for you, it's for me, also. I don't want to live unhappy, so why are you trying to change that?"
I gaped at him, wishing to shout at how out of context that was. "That's not fair at all. You know I want you happy, why do you think I'm doing this?"
"Tell me, how is this gonna make me happy?" He demanded with a sudden stern face.
"It just will- trust me." I sighed out in exhaustion.
"No." He shot, determination leaking from each word he spoke. "What you're saying is ridiculous. I refuse to marry anyone other than you."
I held my breath, praying I was hearing things, but I wasn't. I wished desperately I had never met him at that convention, that perfect millionaire business man, who fell in love with me, too. I was only a kid. "Why can't you understand I'm too young for all this. I can't give you billions of dollars, I can't give you a family."
He took a step forward, reaching for me as if it was a risky move. I didn't let him touch me. "I'm not asking for all that now, Diana."
"But you want it." I hated how I truly didn't see myself having a family with anyone. I didn't see me marrying Andy, he and I... I realized how wrong we were for each other. No matter how much we loved each other. "I don't."
In an instant, I saw a wave of disappointment go through him and he dropped his hands to his sides, pleading me with miserable eyes. "You... You don't?"
Almost- for a second- I came close to falling to my knees and sobbing, but I had to stand with strength. I didn't allow his sad and broken eyes get to me, because then he'd see that he could do so. I was almost positive that he would soon believe I didn't have a heart. If that's what it took... "I'm sorry." I said again, annoying myself.
"Please don't leave," He suddenly said, and I was reminded with the same reaction of Charlie after breaking his heart. In the end... He listened to me. That bastard was even more stubborn than Andy, so I knew it would work. "I know you love me, Diana, so please don't..."
Stop begging
Stop begging
Please, please; stop begging
My insides almost collapsed miserably. I hated myself for making these strong and independent men beg for me. I didn't deserve to hear them beg, they didn't deserve the terrible pain I gave them.
"Get married." I said boldly, surprising myself by sounding completely fine when I felt like a crumbled idiot inside. "Have children, change the world. Make your dad happy, and please Andy, make yourself happy."
That was my way of saying I was leaving his life. No, we couldn't be friends, we loved each other too much. If anything; he should hate me. Like Mr. Grant, because it seemed to work perfectly well.
Look at him now.
He was with a beautiful doctor, and she seemed to be calming his nerves.
I don't remember what else I said that night, but I know he cried. He cried as I packed my things, he cried as I was leaving, and it took everything in me and more not to cry, too.