"So, Hanji..." Levi said as he ran his finger around the rim of a classy wine class. "What possessed you to make you think that concocting some 'alcohol-like-but-not-actually-alcohol-because-we're-underaged' drink for a karaoke night at Erwin's fancy mansion house with all these idiots who you'll know are going to cause a mess would be a good idea."
Hanji continued pouring the mysterious liquid into more wine glasses as she glanced up at him. "Oh Levi, when am I not possessed."
"Touché. If ghosts were real," Levi scoffed.
"Tell that to the 21 priests who ran away from me. Screaming," Hanji replied.
"We were walking past a priest convention and you had a bazooka," Petra uttered as she walked past them.
"In my defense," Hanji spoke up, "it wasn't a lethal bazooka. Just enough to lightly injure someone to the point they're lightly not alive anymore."
Petra ignored the comment and sat herself on the couch next to Jean.
"This place is huge!" Jean marveled.
"Yeah, it's pretty impressive," Petra said before she noticed the wine glass filled with Hanji juice in his hand. "Is that..."
"Yup, that weird beverage," Jean said. "I mean I just wanted a sip, I'll drink responsibly. Marco's the designated driver anyways."
Just as he said that, Marco was heard screaming at the top of his lungs as he rode a kiddie tricycle at maximum velocity (that a kiddie tricycle can go) with a red cup in his hands moments before he crashes into a setup of empty red cups, stacked into a pyramid.
"Then again, Armin's our backup," Jean sighed.
"Okay everyone!" Erwin's voice boomed as he spoke into the mic. "It's time for the karaoke fun time to beg-"
"BOO! YOU SUCK!"
"YEAH! GET OFF THE STAGE YOU OVERSIZED BANANA WITH CATERPILLAR EYEBROWS!"
Erwin cleared his throat as he moved on from the interaction. "Anyways... if any of you have a song in mind, just look at the catalog or attach your phone to-"
"We can attach our phones to the TV?" Reiner asked suddenly.
"Reiner," Bertolt pleaded. "Please don't."
"Shh," Annie said as she held up a finger to him. "Let the man do what he wants. I want to see where this goes."
"Do you know what he's going to sing?" Sasha asked.
"I have a guess," Bertolt uttered as he sulked into the seat. Everyone looked at him in confusion, wondering how bad the song must be to warrant this reaction from him.
Meanwhile Erwin helped Reiner plug in his phone, and the music began to play.
It sounded slow - like a cheesy love song from the nineties or something. The title popped up on the screen with the original singer below it in a smaller font.
"At a Medium Pace by Adam Sandler," it said.
"Huh, I didn't know Adam Sandler had a song," Gunther said quietly to Erd.
"I'm curious as to how this is going to go," Erd whispered back.
Reiner points at Bertolt. "This is for a special little lady out there who goes by the name of Bertolt."
Then the intro led into the first verse.
Put your arms around me baby
"Oh, okay," Hanji said. "Homeboy doesn't sound too bad."
Can't you see I need you so
Hold me close against your skin
I'm about to begin
Lovin' you
"Is it just me or does this sound a little bit sexual?" Armin leaned over to ask Eren.
Spit on your hand and stroke my cock
At a medium pace
Armin sat there, speechless at first with his mouth slightly agape. "You know what, I was surprised I did not expect this."
Play with my balls and tell me
How big they are
"Child, come hither," Mikasa said while she covered Eren's ears and pulled him into her lap.
"Mikasa!" He began to whine. "I'm not five-"
"Shhhhhhhh," she hushed, but Eren stood up and pushed her hands away from his ears.
Honey, rub your beaver
Up and down my face
Sit on the corner of the bed
And watch me whack off
He sang while stressing the "whack off" part.
"I should have expected this," Jean said to himself. "Why would Adam Sandler write a song? I'm surprised I did not see this coming."
You see that shampoo bottle
Now stick it up my ass
The room bursted into a mixture of uncontrollable laughter and cries of disgust.
"How have I not heard of this masterpiece?" Sasha cried out.
Push it in and out
At a medium pace
Talk about your old boyfriend's dick
And how big it was
Now shave off my pubes
And punch me in the face
"I'm kinkshaming Adam Sandler," Levi said. "And this kid."
To everyone's horror, Marco stood up, wrapping an arm around Reiner and joined in on singing with him.
Whoa darlin'
Make me push my dick and balls
Back between my legs
"Marco, what the fuck!" Jean shouted.
Then Reiner pointed the mic towards Marco and let him do a solo.
Call me an ugly woman
And take my picture to show
All the people you work with
And with that, Marco pat Reiner's back and headed back onto the couch where he promptly passed out. Reiner went back to singing dramatically in the oddest voice.
Now pull up my scrotum
And take the shampoo bottle
Out of my ass
Pretend I'm the pizza delivery guy
And watch me whack off
"I feel like I'm watching a porno," Petra uttered.
Strap on a dildo
And make me give you head
"Definitely feel like I'm watching a porno," Isabel agreed.
Tell me to slow down
And do it at a medium pace
I feel so humiliated
I'm about to blow my load
Everyone is now either completely speechless or hunched over and dying from laughter.
You tell me it's time to make love
But now I can't
'Cause I spewed all over myself
"Why do I feel like that's actually accurate for him," Christa snorted.
"He probably can't last a minute," Ymir smirked.
"Well neither can you," Christa retorted.
Then you look into my eyes
And you realize
How much I enjoy lovin' you
I'm so sorry I spunked on my stomach
Maybe next time I'll be better at lovin' you
And with that, the song fades out as he adds a couple more ad lib notes and groans before it ends. As his score is being calculated on the screen, he received a thunderous round of applause - some from people who were actually impressed and amused while others were clapping more sarcastically.
"Thank you," he said, slurring a bit before taking Bertolt's cup from his hands and taking in a full swig of the mysterious Hanji beverage. "I'll be here all night..."
He said before he promptly passed out.
"Dicks out for that kid," Hanji sighed as she pulled out a flask from within her sweater.
"Did you just whip out some vodka?" Erwin asked.
"No, it's holy water," Hanji replied before taking a couple good swings from it. "I tied our friendly neighborhood Pastor Nick to a chair and Levi and I threatened him until he agreed to bless 15 gallons of water."
"Why?" Armin asked. "You don't seem like one to believe in a higher power."
"I don't," Hanji shrugged. "I just think it's funny that I have 15 gallons of holy water."
"I do find it quite amusing," Levi agreed.
"I doubt all the holy water in the world can save us now," Jean stated.
"I have the perfect solution to this!" Eren said triumphantly as he grabbed his phone and headed over to the karaoke system. He plugged his phone in with a huge shit-eating grin plastered on his face.
And before the song title and artist even showed up on the TV screen, everyone was able to recognize the song by the first note.
"Ho, don't do it," Jean threatened.
"He's going to do it," Mikasa said as dead as she can get.
"What a shocker," Christa rolled her eyes.
"I mean it's a bop," Levi spoke up.
"Of course you'd say that," Erwin chastised.
"Shut up, you listen to stoner music," Levi snapped back.
Eren held the mic up to his face as the lyrics approached. He looked up, with all the emotion he can muster (he ended up looking more constipated than emotional), and sang.
"When I was... a young boy-"
Jean turned to Hanji as Eren continued to sing as passionately as he could. "You still have that bazooka on you by any chance?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
AN:
Hey all y'all look it it's an update???? An actual real update ????????????? What ??????????????????????????? "I thought this book was over! I thought my binding contract to this cursed trash has expired!" I hear you say.
Well children ya see I was talkin to good ol ReinerBraunsAss again, and as far as shenanigans go, we got some nice ideas out of it.
More specifically I went "YO CHECK OUT THIS SONG" and then we collectively agreed that yes. Reiner would sing this. Definitely.
But that happened like weeks ago.
We also talked over another idea (hue hue hue) that I've yet to start so we'll see how long it'll take me to finish that whoopsie daisy.
Anyways, I hope you found this amusing in some way shape or form.
So yeah thank you'll byyyyeyeee