Last night I couldn't sleep for a second.
When everyone eventually went to bed after all the crazy that happened, Blake came to my room and snuggled in next to me in bed. He said he just couldn't believe I was his and that he wanted to savor every moment f it. I agreed as long as we were clear on the fact that I was 'tired' and wanted to sleep.
When I did fall into a sleep, I'd wake up within seconds with images of my mother or Calvin or Matt getting shot and people running into my house or dragging me away.
So, I resorted to staying awake and staring up at the ceiling while Blake was a deep sleep next to me. I was thinking about all the things I could tell him. How he won't be happy in this marriage, because somewhere at some point he'll realize he's sleeping next to a corpse. But I didn't tell him. Because I need this engagement thing to work. To send a message. To make Sterling look strong.
And with the knowledge that my father is still alive... Maybe he'll help me figure everything out. I just need to stay strong until the Masquerade. After that dance, everything will be easier.
When the sun starts rising, I look over at the bright warm colors seeping into the room. I think a sunrise is probably the most beautiful thing in a day.
By the time Blake wakes up, I pretend to be sleeping. I feel him sit up and then have a gentle hand brush over my exposed shoulder. "You're so beautiful," I hear him whisper. "I promise, I can make you happy." Blake gets up and leaves while I stay in bed for a little longer. I don't want to get out, but I have to.
When I hear the doorbell ring, I get up, wrap myself in a blanket and head downstairs. I stop when I hear Myra and Blake's voices by the door. Slowly, I walk closer while avoiding to be seen. I want to hear whatever their saying in hushed whispers.
"You guys forgot about me! I was at Nick's the whole night! Why didn't you guys come fetch me like you said you would! What even happened?" Myra asks angrily.
"Shit! I totally forgot about you! I'm sorry, things was just going really fast," Blake apologizes.
"Well, I hope your little scheme worked. Does she at least like you now?"
"We're engaged."
Silence.
"Thats... That's great, Blake. I'm so happy for you," I hear Myra say.
Before I can listen to the rest of their conversation, I hear someone walk in and quickly pretend like I'm checking the fruit out in the kitchen. When I look up, I realize it's just Sean and relax a little more.
"Hey, Sean," I greet.
"Hello, Amber," he greets back while making himself some cereal. I take a moment to look at my driver and notice he's been wearing hoodies a lot lately.
Tired, I get myself a water and sit next to Sean on the counter.
"You not going to ask for my Frootloops?" Sean asks with a quirked eyebrow. I suddenly remember how he told me that he gives me his breakfast every morning because he knows it's all I eat.
I want to take the cereal. It's something Amber would do, but I don't hear her anymore and I'm just not in the mood.
"No, I'm good," I sigh and take a sip of my water.
Sean eyes me from under hid dark bangs before pushing his cereal to me and saying: "You have to eat. You can't take your medication on an empty stomach. And grab an apple while you're at it."
"Look who's talking," I say and surprise myself, "Your cheekbones are getting sharper and your eyes are hollow. What are you eating in the mornings?"
Sean looks at me like he wants to say something, but then he gets up and leaves. I want to get up and follow him. Tell him I'm sorry if I said something wrong, but he's already gone and I don't feel like getting up. I look down at the cereal and decide Sean is right. If I want to defeat my enemies, I need to be healthy. So, I eat my cereal, munch on an apple and down my pills.
"You ready for training?" I hear someone say behind me.
I look over and it's Gareth, my second in command. His rare, completely white smile is a contrast to his dark skin. I also realize he might have a bit of an accent, but I can't place from where.
"Is it now?" I ask.
"Now that your father is alive, we won't want him thinking you aren't strong enough to lead Sterling," Gareth points out.
I smirk. "Then let's get started."
Just over a month passes with a routine that I've gotten used to, but don't particularly like that much.
Everyone has something to do. A purpose. It's no surprise that I see less of Owen now that I have a giant ring on my left hand. He keeps disappearing to who knows where and whenever he's actually here and we accidentally make eye contact, he has this painful look and then disappears again.
Generally, my days start off with Blake waking up next to me - in a blissful happiness, while I try figuring out if an hour's worth of sleep was enough. Then, I'd dress in training clothes and head downstairs where my bowl of Frootloops and medicine awaits. Training with Gareth is hard. He's a lot tougher than he looks and his son, Falco, is a tough competitor in the ring. After training, I'd shower in bone-melting heat before getting dressed for a day of facing paper work, shipments and recruits Nixon brings me. I feel so weird making them official members of the Sterling gang with my father somewhere out there. At least I know things will be easier once he's back.
At night, I work on extra credits for school and hand them to Lynch to give them to my teachers the next day. All the while Blake would tell me it's unnecessary, because they're forced to let me pass in anyway.
When I get into my bed, Blake would kiss me and I'd tell him I'm tired. He'd sleep while I stare wide-eyed at the ceiling. My nightmares get worse. When I dare to sleep, often I wake up with no air in my lungs and run to the bathroom to puke my guts out. On the occasion that Blake does wake up on those nights, he tries fixing everything by talking to me about taking piano lessons or using his brother's paints to paint again. Whenever Blake mentions his dead brother, Kyle, there's a glint of sadness.
And whenever Blake is sad, I find myself getting jealous. Amber used to be sad. Amber used to cry. I miss crying. I miss feeling.
On an especially warm day, Blake has a big grin and announces: "We're going shopping for a dress!"
"And I'm coming with!" Lynch announces when he sprints into the room - his wild curly hair bounces with each step he takes.
"I think I'll need a girl's opinion on the dresses," I reply and then catch myself thinking about Jessica and wondering if she's okay. My cousin and I might've left on bad terms, but she's still family and her father's heart is still inside my chest.
"I'll come," Myra offers. I like Myra and agree that it's a good plan.
Five hours later and we're still in the damn mall. We've already went through most stores and the Masquerade is this weekend, so we don't have time to head out of town to try and find a dress somewhere else.
"Try on this one," Lynch suggests and holds out a neon pink ball gown.
Myra is on the couch - sipping champagne and shakes her head. "Lynch, she's not a highlighter," she says and tugs at her purple wig to make it straight again.
"I agree and it's way too revealing," Blake says. I roll my eyes at that last bit. It's especially hard to find a dress with Blake canceling half of them out as 'too revealing'. Back in the days when I was 'single', I could've worn any dress I liked.
"I'll just go try these on," I say and gesture to the few we already have as options. While I head back to the fitting rooms, Blake and Lynch join Myra on the couch. I spot Lynch grabbing for some champagne and Blake swatting his hand away.
The dressing room is spacious - fortunately, because I've never, no matter who I am, been graceful at putting dresses on. It's a dance of grunts and curses and sometimes if I'm being honest, ripping.
I get out alive with a black number. I'm barefoot when I walk back to the champagne room. There's a mirror so I have a moment to look at myself while the others contemplate if it's good. The dress shape itself is pretty plain, but the network of lace that covers me until my neck makes it interesting.
"It looks like she's going to a funeral," Myra sighs.
"Maybe if her hair got an up-style she could make it work..." Lynch comments.
"It's not right. She needs to make a statement. Sterling is happy on it's own. We don't need other gangs and we can take them out without a second thought," Blake explains. "Go try that gold one," he adds.
I sigh before turning away and heading back to the dressing room. Blake picked out the gold dress and although I wasn't a fan, maybe he's right. Sterling needs a statement. Getting into this dress, is a little harder, but I manage the task without injuring myself or the dress. I step out and head back to the champagne room.
I watch myself in the mirror. It's a long sleeved gold dress that has a giant skirt. Golden gems line the dress at the bodice and it falls to the floor bit by bit. The top half of the dress has the gems moving up to my neck. Only the skin on my hands and face is showing.
"Perfect," Blake says.
"It's, a lot," Myra says.
"Definitely an up-style for the hair in that thing," Lynch murmurs.
"Maybe I can go try on something with a little more skin," I try saying.
"No, no, no, this is perfect! This isn't like the Northern dance last year. This is the Annual Masquerade. It's ballgowns and your finest tuxedos. People dress up big time for this one. Trust me, the skirt will work. All eyes will be on you," Blake reasons.
"People would have to be blind to not see you," Lynch coughs.
"Myra, what do you think?" I ask.
Myra looks at me and then at Blake before coming back to me. "Take the dress," Myra says.
Defeated, I nod and go back to the changing room to get out of the dress. I think back to how I could just ask Mysterious Fucker for a dress and the perfect one would show up. Too bad Mysterious Fucker turned out to be Xavier. The golden dress suggests I take is beautiful, but a bit too nostalgic. I'm not gold anymore.
I never was.
When I get back in my modern black clothes and head to the lounge, Blake is on the phone while Lynch tries to not so discretely take a sip of Blake's champagne. Needles to say, Lynch fails.
Blake gets off of the phone and looks at us with a smile. "Guess what wonderful news I just heard!" Blake says.
"What?" Lynch and I ask at the same time.
"You remember Camilla from school? She was also in the Northern gang?" Blake asks.
"Yeah?"
"She's dead!" Blake announces happily.
I'm not sure how to take the news.
"How? When?" I ask.
"Apparently she got shot in an alleyway. She was found this morning, but according to the morgue, her body is already over a month decomposed. She's been dead for over a month and we never even knew," Blake laughs.
"She had pretty hair though," Lynch comments. I can't help but to agree. Her long, straight black hair was indeed always silky.
"Who do you think killed her?" I ask. It's not that I liked the girl or actually cared about her since she insisted on tormenting me, but a forgotten part of me knew she must have had her reasons. Amber knew since the first day that she met Tan Cam that the girl had something about her.
Blake scoffs before grabbing his champagne. "I don't know, but I'd give them a fucking medal. That girl was so annoying. If you ask me, it was probably Xavier himself. I'd say he got tired of using her and then just got rid of her. I won't put it past the North," Blake says.
Would Xavier really kill one of his own?
"Cheers! To Camila finally being shut up for good," Blake chuckles and raises his drink before downing it.
I can't even find myself wishing I could feel something past the numbness. I guess, I just wish I knew a little more. Knew why Xavier would kill his own member. Knew why Tan Cam was mean. Knew what she was thinking before she died.
For all I know, I'm next and it might take people a month to find me as well. I wouldn't want someone making a toast about it.
Done with the subject, I pay for the dress and leave. Lynch offers to carry the dress and to be honest, I'm grateful, because that thing is heavy as hell. On our way back to Blake's car, Blake slips his hand into mine and intertwines his fingers with mine. I look over my shoulder and Myra is staring at us, before walking to Lynch and offering to help him carry the dress. Lynch accepts her offer generously.
"Hey, Amby, can I do your hair for the dance?" Lynch asks.
"I think she'd want a professional-" Blake tries saying, but I quickly interject him.
"Of course you can, Lynch," I say warmly.
We get in the car and speed off back to the house. Lynch and Myra helps me get the dress in my room and once there Blake starts kissing my neck, but I tell him I have work to do. There are a million files to take care of and a shipment coming in today. It's our first weapons shipment this large since I've taken over and it's very important that I make sure we get it.
"Darling, I'll take care of the shipment. We're engaged now. You can let me do some of the work. Here, take a nap while I handle it. You need the rest," Blake says.
"Blake, I can handle it. I'm strong enough. Gareth makes sure that I-"
"Darling, I heard you last night again. You're not getting sleep. This job is stressing you out."
"But... But I am strong enough. Last night-"
"Last night you were suffocating in your own body. You're not going to make it at this pace. I'll handle it."
"It's just that I really need to-"
"Rest. You need to rest. Trust me. You're not well. Please, rest. For me?"
"It's an important-"
"Darling, sleep. I'll take over while you get better."
"Okay."
Why am I allowing this? I don't want to. I want to be in the action. I don't want to sit here and wonder if everything went okay. I don't want to be locked in this room while Blake handles my gang.
Our gang... We're engaged now...
Blake leaves a kiss on my forehead before he's off to handle the shipment. I'm stuck in my room with my giant dress.
Hopelessly, I fall onto the bed. I look back at the golden dress and suddenly dislike it. I dislike the way it's so big and beautiful and gold. Maybe Amber would've loved it, but she's nowhere to be found.
Quietly, I take out my phone and open my contacts. I go through them and snort when I get to 'Nessa - baddest bitch in town'. Of course she managed to get her number in my phone.
I look back at the golden dress before biting my lip and texting a message to Nessa.
Nessa doesn't respond immediately like Mysterious Fucker used to and I lay on my back for a while before there's a buzz from my phone and I can check the message.
I wait impatiently for Nessa's answer. It's just this instinct. This gut gnawing feeling I have that I don't want to show up with that gigantic golden dress. And the only person I might get an honest answer from, is Nessa. Even if she's technically from the enemy.
Of course I'd have to go to Isabella's. Of course I'd have to try and get to Nessa without being seen by Xavier. I don't know of the engagement yet, but I don't want to face him if he does. He might just threaten me to marry him right there.
But of course. Of fucking course, I get up to go get Blue Jay started. The possibility of Xavier murdering me if he sees me isn't a problem at all.
Hey goldies!
SO BEFORE I TALK TO Y'ALL CAN I JUST RANT ABOUT THIS MOVIE THAT'S COMING OUT!? My FAVORITE band will finally have it's own AWESOME movie! Queen is the BEST thing on this planet and I'm so excited for the movie! Who's with me?
AHHHHHHHHHHH I'M GUNNA DIE.
Love y'all and pleaseeee remember to vote!!!
~ Holly Shmit