My body jerked back into consciousness as I fell out of my sleep. I look towards the bathroom, and spot Jungkook struggling with the things on the floor that I swore once belonged on the counter. Maybe he accidentally knocked them down. That must've been what woke me.
Jungkook's big doe eyes widened as his head turned towards my direction in fear, then jolted upwards from his crouched position to face me, "I woke you up, didn't I?"
I shook my head, despite the both of us knowing the truth, "What are you doing?" I sat up and pulled the blanket away, then let my feet touch the wooden floor. I make my way to him as he bent back down to pick up the mess.
Passing through his body, I stretched to grab my toothbrush and toothpaste. I proceeded to wet the bristles and began cleaning away any bacteria and bad smell that had been there during the night. Lord knows I'm not talking to Jungkook without brushing my teeth.
I need him alive, not fainting from morning breath.
"Looking for something, skincare or whatever."
I rose my brows, words muffled as I spoke through the toothpaste, "You? Skincare?" I cannot find any relation to those two words. Jungkook is a clean person, he washes his face regularly, but he never does more than required. He is busy as much as he is clean too.
"I looked in the mirror this morning, and I could really see everything. I'm aging." He positioned himself in front of me so I could inspect his face, but my eyes trailed down to his exposed chest. I don't know how he keeps that up. There's a reason why most bosses are old with no hair and have more belly than they can carry.
"I meant here." Jungkook's hand gripped my chin and guided my face to level with his. That hurt, but with those biceps, I can't blame him for not noticing.
"Jesus." He catches my eyes peering and lifted both of his hands, placing them by my temples so I could only look at his face. I'm being treated as a race horse right now, but I can understand. There truly are too many distractions.
"You should stop working out to avoid further reoccurrences." I realized my toothbrush was still in my mouth when the words were harder to say than I'd expected. The drippy toothpaste falls from my lips and found home on his abs, accentuating the bump of every beautiful muscle. My eyes could only follow as expected.
Jungkook lets out a sigh and gives up, the warmth of his hands leaving the sides of my head. He mumbles a quiet 'I'll clean it up' and turns his body from me to grab a square of toilet paper.
I watch as he runs it up his stomach, with the toilet paper slowly sucking up the toothpaste. Taking the time, I spit out the residue into the sink and run water in my mouth, rinsing out anything left. I stand back up, drying my lips with the back of my hand, "So you wanted to start skincare."
He seemed glad I was finally paying attention, but the truth is that my mind was still there, thinking about the place my toothpaste had gone to just a minute ago. I cannot be in the blame for this, he could put on a shirt, but he always takes them off at home. There's no way he doesn't do it without secretly wanting me to look.
"There are so many labels on these bottles, and I just woke up. So I accidentally knocked them over. Help me."
I leaned forward to inspect his face, so incredibly close that he treaded backwards until he came in contact with the counter. Not wanting to fall into him while I'm on my tip toes, I let my hands rest onto the same counter right next to his hips. Poor him, whose ears were burning furiously and I had no idea.
"I don't know what you're talking about with the aging thing. You look as good as anyone can be with your lifestyle. But..." My eyes trailed to the bottles on the counter, "if you want to feel as you good as you look,"
I pick up a bottle of moisturizer and one of sunscreen, plopping them into his hands, "Use both of these everyday."
Jungkook's eyes scrunched at the sunscreen, "Even when it's raining and dark out?"
I nodded without hesitation, "The sun is still there, even when we can't see it. People don't include applying sunscreen into their skin care routine of a hundred extra steps, that's a mistake. You already wake up on time everyday, so keeping up with these two bottles shouldn't be too hard for you."
I take the moisturizer out of his hand and opened the lid, "You've washed your face already?" I asked to clarify, to which he hummed in response. I nodded nonchalantly, squeezing the right amount into my palm. He's gone silent for a minute or two while I rambled on, but his reason for silence flew right past my radar. His eyes never left me, if only I wasn't suddenly so focused and could look up to see the love in his eyes. But it's good that I failed to notice. I would've died right then, and Jungkook needs his skincare guide.
I raise my head back up to look at him. His smile twitched at the sight of my face, but that went unnoticed along with everything else. Having the moisturizer already spread around my palm, I went straight in with his cheeks, rubbing gently in circles. I'll never pass up an opportunity to touch these little buns. They've gotten smaller in size as he grew up and his face became more angular, but they're still there. The cheeks only show up when he's smiling, and that makes them so much more precious.
Spreading the moisturizer to other parts of his face, I felt his hands gradually sneak themselves around my waist, pulling me towards him as I fought to keep the grin from surfacing, "Don't forget the neck. It'll make you look like a lightbulb. Unless you want that."
He breaks into another one of his flirtatious grins, the skin around his lips stretched in a way I couldn't ignore.
My gaze slowly moves from his lips to his eyes, and I nearly jumped when I saw those chocolate orbs staring right into me.
I was so entranced, so utterly mesmerized by the way he looked at me, I barely noticed that I was now sitting on the counter with the bottles pushed towards the very corner. His hands were gentle and soft on my hips as mine were placed carefully on his chest.
"Sunscreen." My voice barely came out as I watched him drop the bottle to the floor to hold me properly. I pull my attention back to his eyes.
There it was. The same gaze from that very morning. The gaze that never faltered, even when I was naked in the bathtub, even when his hands travelled around my body to wash me. It was as if he had no sexual thoughts at all, he was so concentrated on making me feel safe and relaxed. If he did have any, he hid it well. His eyes never trailed anywhere else, they never left my eyes. Just like now.
I will never feel more loved than I do when he looks at me. He looks at me so closely, with such content. I don't get afraid that he'll spot a flaw, because with that gaze, I feel as if even my imperfections are cherished like rare bijou. Only him. I only feel that with him.
"Hi." My foolish comment changes the atmosphere. I felt the invisible string break when Jungkook's eyes left mine while he threw his head back to laugh, hands sliding down to my thighs as he did.
I hooked my arms around his neck, silently watching him laugh with a flushed face. Jungkook regained his composure after some struggle and found himself closer between my legs.
"What will you do today?" My thigh greeted the cold air when his hand left to brush through my hair. I know what he's doing. This is our little chat at the beginning of the day. Jungkook is a busy man, and a professional one too. He isn't one to ditch his responsibilities during work. I don't call him during working hours either, unless it's an emergency. I usually compromise with texts, so he can check them during breaks. My messages can wait.
We don't talk too much after work either, both of us are usually drained and only waiting for bed. So I treasure these moments, these small capsules of time that we share every day before our lives catch up to us.
"Work work work," I joked, "I think I'll go outside today though, if I get everything done in time."
His eyes widen, "Is that okay?" Jungkook's hand left my hair and rested by my arm. I know he has certain places that he tends to touch when the topic or the atmosphere changes. I can usually tell how he feels about a situation by the way he touches me. It's like a silent language that I've learned without him even noticing it himself.
"I want to try. Staying inside just keeps me in a bad cycle. I haven't gone out in a month," It's scary, now that I've said it out loud and heard it with my own ears for the first time. When was the last time I breathed the outside air? Or the last time I made myself look good? I don't even remember when I last talked to someone other than Jungkook, or occasional emails for work.
Obviously, I still head out, to be less dramatic, but only for therapy. And that's once a week. I don't even go anywhere before or after. I always head straight back home, and so I only ever get an estimate of two hours outside.
"I want to open the curtains too. I feel isolated. I liked that at first, it really did make me feel better, but now it just makes everything cold. This house isn't exactly small or cozy either. I feel like Rapunzel, but without the hair, or the witch, or the magic...or the face. I think me and Rapunzel don't actually have as many similarities as I thought."
His palm on my cheek guiding me to look at him made me realize how my eyes were on the floor the whole time. Simple things like these were easier to tell him, but still not easy. Kim Jihoon says there's usually more than one reason to someone's behaviour, like a layering of different thoughts. It's rarely just one. Like how all kinds of trauma from childhood can shape your personality. And it's hard to fully heal or change something, because most people don't understand themselves well enough to find out every reason. Most people are afraid to, anyway.
I feel safe around Jungkook, but when I'm telling someone I care about, it feels like confrontation. Like a dirty secret, revealing how weak and vulnerable I am. Jungkook has already seen so many sides of me, he knows damn well that I'm not as strong as I wish I was. But it still doesn't get easier.
Jungkook also doesn't like to talk about his own problems. Well, maybe he does like to, but he chooses not to, so that only one of us has to worry about the other. But that also makes me worry about him too, the fact that I can't worry about him.
I don't like that the more he knows about me, the less he tells about himself.
As much as I want to be his pillar now, this is a conversation I'll have to have with him when I really am sure I can be just that, without crushing my own. If I try to support him without even the power to handle myself, we'll just collapse and be left with detritus.
Jungkook gifts me with a small grin before warming my cheek with his palm, a thumb skimming around it as softly as one could, "I know you're an eager girl and you always like to make yourself grow in the smallest amount of time. Take it slow this time, take all the time you need. It's okay if you don't go out today, just know that."
I simply smiled into his hand with a nod. Jungkook's body left mine when he crouched down to pick up the once discarded sunscreen, "If you do go out though, call the number I sent you before. That's your bodyguard. The media isn't as aggressive as before, but we should still be careful."
I supported myself with my palms planted on the counter as I watched Jungkook apply sunscreen onto his face. He was so close to the mirror, with his nose protruding and all.
"You put on sunscreen like a child." The words left my lips without much thought at the sight of his hands roughly smearing the liquid onto his skin.
Jungkook turns to look at me silently. "Jesus..." My eyes finally see his work, and I couldn't help but to sigh in disapproval. It's all uneven. He missed his neck too. I informed him on it, and he looked back at the mirror with a confused blink of both eyelids, "I think it looks fine."
I nodded, hopping off of the counter, "Alright, then show up to work like that. Ask everyone else if they think it's fine too."
As if to dismiss him, I walk out of the bathroom with the intention to head back into bed. Jungkook had other plans when he wrapped a big strong arm around my waist and lifted me up into the air, spinning me back around as I yelped, hair in my face, hands wavering in fear.
"Jeon Jungkook!" All I could hear were barely stifled laughs from behind me. This cocky bastard, I know he loves showing off his strength. My neck shrinks when a pair of lips attacked the back of it, kissing repeatedly as if to hit me without hurting me.
"Don't walk off on me with that attitude. Help me then." I'm finally dropped down, and I quickly turn to face him with my face all red from the previous interaction. He hands me the sunscreen, and I once again fix everything for him.
After having evened out the coating, I cross my arms, looking at him as if I wasn't so many sizes smaller, "Now can I get back on the bed?"
Jungkook's eyes twinkled as he looked at me, giving himself plenty of time to reply, "Maybe I should take the day off, you're so gorgeous today."
I don't know why that made me feel like crying, they were such simple and childish words. I was laughing just seconds ago. Have I really become so fragile? Or is this who I am now? This porcelain doll that felt too much too often.
I haven't left the house in so long, all I've worn lately are pyjamas, or random pieces of Jungkook's clothing that could keep me covered. I haven't tried to make myself look good, or make myself feel confident. My face has been breaking out, my hair is constantly a tangled mess. I haven't felt pretty or attractive in a long time, even if Jungkook still constantly touches me and hasn't acted repulsed at all. He's so stupid and blindly in love with me. It's great.
"Oh," He must've spot the wetness of my eyes when his smile dropped, "What is it? What's wrong?"
Those warm loving hands held my cheeks yet again. I don't even know why I feel like crying. I wasn't sad, obviously, not after he complimented me that way.
Maybe Jungkook's words became my medicine, and the tears were the side effects. These were happy tears, That could be the only explanation.
"I don't know." I tell him, blinking the tears away before they reached my cheeks. I shrugged with a sniff, then told him again through a smile I couldn't hide, "I don't know."