"Hello, Mr.Jeon. Thank you for joining me today. I'm Kim Jihoon, you can call me Dr.Kim."
It's well into the night of a busy Wednesday, and I arrived to an arranged meeting with Aera's therapist. It's been a month since the beginning of her nightmares, and severe symptoms of social anxiety. She's been working from home these days too. I heard Aera has been strong up to now though, from being quick to mention seeking help, to being cooperative with the tasks she was given by Doctor Kim. I know she's doing a lot of things that can be seen as impossible to some others.
It's built a border between us. Neither of us have been pushing each other away, but there's a distance that wasn't there before. I can't understand how she feels, and what she's going through, even if I know. My words of comfort often fall flat and sound empty, I know she accepts them just so I don't feel bad. It hurts my heart looking at her everyday, feeling like we're standing miles away. Sometimes it feels like I don't really know her anymore, as much as I hate to admit it. That's why I'm here today.
"We usually don't do this. What our patients say are normally confidential, and are not discussed with anyone, no matter the circumstances. But Aera personally requested this,"
I'm starting to see Doctor Kim too, this is the first of our future appointments. But it's not for myself.
"She wishes that you are updated and are aware of her situation, but I've been told that she finds it difficult to open up fully outside of this room. Aera hopes that I can be the one to keep you in the loop, and better the communication within this relationship."
We're supposed to talk about Aera, and our relationship. Despite this being a step to pull us back together, the fact that we need a therapist to become a communicator between us frustrates me greatly. Aera used to tell me about everything, I was used to hearing every bit of her emotions and thoughts. It hasn't been easy for me to adjust to this sudden change. I often have to remind myself that she isn't directing this behaviour towards me, and that it's harder for her than anybody else.
I'm just a bystander. Imagine how she feels.
"However, I myself wish that we work towards a future where you two can converse freely about such topics without the support of a third person."
I simply nodded. It was obvious by his soft tone that his presence would be calming for a lot of people, but I don't wish to see him too many times. Every time I see him would be a reminder of the reality. The truth that Aera and I have grown apart, our wedding's postponed to a date I cannot see, and the love of my life's pain is beyond my comprehension.
"How should we start? Do you want to talk a bit about yourself first? Or just your relationship with Aera is fine too, if you're more comfortable speaking about that."
A deeper part of me wished to talk about myself, from my childhood, to Haeyoung, and to the death of my father. I've recently noticed that you don't have to be diagnosed with a mental illness to speak to a therapist. These things haunt me just the same, even as I've managed to live about my life. They shaped many of my toxic mindsets and are deeply rooted like poison in my memory. Though I'm not the most wounded person in the world, I know I'm not perfect either.
But that should be reserved for another time. This is about Aera and our relationship.
It seemed right to talk about our history, "We met in high school, she was a transfer student. She was so gorgeous, the moment I saw her, I couldn't stop looking at her. We got close really fast, because there were a lot of experiences we connected with. I think we found each other when we were in the loneliest times of our lives."
Aera changed schools after being bullied and isolated by
past schoolmates, her parents were dead, leaving her to make money on her own. She did a lot of illegal things to get by as well, I know that could've made her feel like an outcast at times too, to be struggling alone outside of the law. Nobody could understand, that's why it was lonely.
My supposed fiancée killed herself, I didn't love her, nor liked her(simply because of my stubbornness), but I lost someone. I lost a part of my life. A part of me went with her. She was my first experience with grief.
I wasn't alone the same way Aera was. No, I was swarmed with attention online, and in real life. But the attention was constant backlash, death threats, hate comments that wished for me to leave the face of this earth.
My parents supported them too, they took their side immediately. There were thousands of people swarming around me, but not one was on my side.
We were both lonely people, desperate to be heard, to be given a chance to be seen in a different light.
"She was also the first person I fell in love with. I've liked people before her, but never loved. Aera was a lot of my firsts. I was a lot of her second's though. She already had a boyfriend before we met, one that she apparently loved." Aera was really stupid for that though. There is a saying, that we accept the love we think we deserve. I'm no genius, but I know she deserved much more than Mark.
"But I guess that's good, that I was second, so I could prove to her that a lot of things didn't always have to be so bad...that she doesn't always have to get hurt in them."
Doctor Kim nodded intently, seemingly comprehending the message that I was trying to convey: that we were important to each other's becoming of our better selves.
"I think we were together for nearly half a year when my parents sent her away," I paused in thought, "Did Aera tell you about this?"
He nodded, "Only a little, just so I knew how she ended up at the orphanage."
"It took us three years to get back together." I didn't need to tell him why. My father died and I took up his business, the whole country was aware of this.
"Now that I think about it, the actual time that we've spent together doesn't even add up to a year."
Doctor Kim seemed to have realized this too, with a raise of his brow. He opened his mouth with the intention to speak, but allowed himself a few more seconds of thought before responding, "What are some issues in this relationship that you find have become more evident over this past month?"
I didn't need to think much on this, it's all that's been on my mind for the past while, "I don't always understand why some things are harder for her, and when I see her acting like this or that, it just confuses me. I don't really...know what's going on. She doesn't really want to talk about it or explained everything in detail either, and I get that. But...I don't know how to act around her anymore.
"I still like to be thoughtful and do things for her, but I don't know what works and what is just annoying."
He smiles at me a little, as if he knows about something I don't, "Aera has spoken about this. The little things you do. I heard that you've closed all the curtains and kept them closed, as well as taping up the intercom's screen? Aera has noticed that you are more careful around her too."
I then ask through nervous stutters, "How does she feel about it?"
The expression on his face told me there was not much for me to worry about, "She says some of your gestures are a bit excessive. But she doesn't correct you because she finds your actions and efforts 'cute'. These are Aera's words."
Jesus, I just know my ears are as red as they get now. My lips purse to hide away, as my eyes cast to the floor shyly with a nod.
I finally pull myself together looking back up to meet Doctor Kim's eyes, "How has she been? This past week?"
"We previously discussed the media's contribution to her situation. Since most of the things online are greatly related to her high school experience, we've been focusing about that more. Just figuring out how these things have taken place in her identity and views throughout the years. She hasn't had many chances to deal with these pasts until now."
This conversation dragged on for another half an hour until he looked at his watch, uncrossed his legs, and settled his pen atop the clipboard, "Our time's up, Mr.Jeon."
I nod understandingly, pushing myself up from the cushioned seat as he did the same. I head to the doorway with him following behind, "Should I expect to see you again at the same time next week?"
"Yes, of course." I replied without hesitation.
***
With a knee on the bed, I stretch over to see Aera's resting face. Stroking through her hair, I bent down to leave a gentle kiss on her forehead.
Despite her eyes being closed when I found her scrunched up on the bed, Aera shifts unto her back to look at me, "Hey."
"What are you doing not sleeping?" I let my legs on the mattress, slipping off my blazer and throwing it to the end of the bed. Aera rolls to rest her head on my lap, with her rosy cheek rubbing against the fabric of my suit pants.
"Thinking about you coming home." She mumbled with her eyes half closed. Aera's head pushes against my palm, encouraging me to keep grooming through her hair, which I willingly do.
"What am I doing that's excessive?"
Aera's eyes open fully to meet my gaze, "Jihoon told you about that?" I nod.
Her head fall back to my lap, "I can't tell you."
A smile creeps upon my lips as I recalled what Jihoon said. She actually likes it, and she doesn't want me to stop. Acting dumb, I push further with a tone of curiosity, "Why not?"
"Because," Aera then gives up with a roll of eyes, "then you won't do it anymore. I still appreciate these things."
Not satisfied with her answer, I grab her long hair and play with them, draping them over my shoulders, "I don't think the word I heard was 'appreciate' though."
She looked genuinely confused for a second, "What?" Then I watched as her expression slowly turn into one of annoyance, I let out a snicker as she did, "Oh my god, you're cute, Jungkook, there. Is that what you wanted?"
It could've been said in a more loving tone, but I'll take it nonetheless. Her hair drops from my shoulders and back onto the mattress. A silence falls between us, but I don't mind.
I crouch down and hold her cheek in my palm, connecting our lips. I couldn't help myself. She was too beautiful with the light of the night lamp shining on her face as she laid down. Licking her bottom lip, Aera knowingly parted her lips to allow me entrance. They were so soft and warm, I couldn't help myself from pushing closer for more. The same butterflies from our first and every other kiss returned to my stomach.
They stayed within me even as I sat back up, "Are you sure you aren't telling me?"
Aera seemed to have made up her mind when she shook her head, "Other than the fact that I love watching you love me, don't let me tell you what you should and shouldn't do. I'm thankful that you are trying, I don't want to stop you from it." My hand was on her chest, intertwined with her fingers by the time I realized they were not on my own lap.
"You can even treat me the same way you did before, you were already always so sweet. I'm still the same person too, anyway. If it helps to remind you that. I know you've been extra careful, but I don't want you feeling like you must walk on eggshells."
Her eyes crinkle as she gifted me with a small grin. Aera has the type of smile that makes you want to hug her because it's so beautiful. Maybe because I need to touch her to make sure she's real, and not just some angel. Or maybe because her smile is so warm, it tempts you to know and feel all the other parts of her.
I still sometimes let my mind wander back to when we first met. I already felt something when we bumped into eachother. But when I really fell in love with her was when I saw her at the cafeteria. She was laughing with Eunae, and I remember just seeing that smile from a distance. I wanted to fall in love so desperately when I was young. It's all the movies I watched. The butterflies in your stomach, the sheer joy of simply looking at someone, the chemistry when the person is just right. It all seemed so magical and out of reach. I knew it was real after her.
Things aren't so simple anymore, and Aera is more than just her smile. Most days are difficult, most days Aera seems to struggle with motivation and happiness. But that doesn't change what I feel for her, in fact it's encouraged me to love her even more. I want to grow with her, to heal with her. There's nothing better than seeing her erupt into a smile.
I slide down from the headboard and laid down onto the mattress, gently reaching for her shoulder to pull her into me. Aera's body scoots closer and closer until her hands rest against my chest. Her soft curves press against my skin, making themselves known as I feel myself growing warm.
"You should change first." She noted, becoming aware that we were cuddling with my suit on. It wouldn't be long for me to accidentally fall asleep. Despite her suggestion, she kept herself sticking to my body, possibly enjoying it as much as I did.
"I'll change later."
Aera hums in approval, nudging her nose towards the crook of my neck, sending waves of ticklish affection down my spine. My hand finds its way around her waist, and the other held her leg that was now draped over my lap.
My fingers ran up and down her skin, as my neck bent to kiss her forehead, "How was work?"
A groggy sound leaves her closed mouth before she finally answered quietly, "I think Jonathan's getting adopted."
The news shakes me up to a sitting position, Aera who was now suddenly detached from my body, looked up at me with her eyebrows up.
"...wow. That's great news." Hopefully. I know some kids get sent to ungrateful families, and receive horrible treatment. Those children are better off at the orphanage with their friends.
"I thought I should tell you, the kid really idolizes you."
I take advantage of my sit-up position, and began unbuttoning my shirt as she talked, "He never talks to me about other things anymore. Just you."
A smile reveals my teeth, with cheeks stretched wide, "Yeah?" I toss my button-up and my tie to join the blazer. I lie back down next to Aera, and her arms were quick to latch around my neck.
"Do you think you could give him an autograph before he goes? Or anything like that? I think it'd make his day, or year, even." I lay on my back, allowing her legs to straddle my torso. My hands trail down to the thighs pressed against my waist, nodding as I pecked her chest.
"And what about you? I was asking about you."
Her breath was warm against the dip of my collarbone, "It was fine."
"Just fine?" I squeezed her thigh as I cranked my neck to kiss her crown. That'll hurt tomorrow morning.
"Just fine." The slurring of her voice told me she was soon to drift back into sleep.
"Well then," I let out a sigh while she nudged her hair closer to my chin, "What part of your day was more than just fine?"
"You coming home." The last word came out just barely, when I felt her body relax and ease into mine more than before.
She must've been real tired today. Having learned my lesson from kissing her head earlier, I opted with a kiss on the arm around my neck.
My hand leaves her leg when I stretch to turn off the night lamp with a grunt. With the room now pitched black, and silent except for the sound of Aera's calm breathing, I accepted my fate. The fate that I was now trapped underneath the woman for the rest of the night.
"Coming home to you was the best part of my day too." My remaining breaths allowed me to say this much before my eyes retired and my body slipped into the blackness slowly, then finally disappeared all at once.
—-
A/N: (unedited)