The silence in the room is suffocating, it's so silent I'm not even sure if any of us is breathing anymore.
Mom's face is pale and her mouth is open , like she is still trying to register Adam's words.
I don't know what to say to her, or in general.
What am I supposed to say? Deny it and put her out of her misery or tell her the truth and let this knowledge hunt her forever?
"No." Her voice is small, and it seems like a sob is caught in her throat. "What do you mean?"
The fear in her eyes tells me that she doesn't really wanna know what he means. That she can't take knowing.
I can't do this to her, make her life even worse than it already is. Give her something else to beat herself over about it.
"Nothing." The word is silent, almost unsure. I cough and try again. "Nothing happened." This time more sternly, not leaving room for further discussion.
I can see it though that she doesn't quite believe me, she seems like she wants to, but she can't.
"Stop." Adam speaks up angrily. "You can't always fuck yourself up to protect others."
Mom is now crying again and when she speaks she almost doesn't make sense. "A-Adam, what...what are you talking about?"
Adams persistence to reveal everything to her is annoying me so I snap.
"He doesn't know what he is talking about!"
Mom is looking between us, trying to understand who is telling the truth, however she is not stupid. She knows who is telling the truth.
Cold sweat stars running down my forehead and I move my hand to my head. Big mistake. Mom's head snaps so fast to my shaking hand, forcing me to lower it and hide it behind my back. She saw it though, and I'm sure she is also noticing my uneven breaths.
Adam turns to her, his hands pointing at me. "Have you ever seen Sky without a shirt with long sleeves or a hoodie on? I hadn't either."
Stop.
Stop, just stop.
Memories of the first time Adam did see me like that come rushing into my head, his expression when I woke up. His drawing in his room. I want to throw up.
"Sky." Mom has gained control over her voice again and now it sounds stern, almost covering up her pain. However the tears keep running down her cheeks, her eyes are torn.
"Lift your shirt." It's doesn't sound like a request, its more like an order but I can't move.
I can't do this. Not to her, not to Adam, not to myself.
"Mom, you don't..."
I don't have the time to finish. This time it's her who snaps.
"Do it!"
She sounds desperate, like she wants to know the truth. And at this point I don't have to lift my shirt for her to know the truth. She just needs something to confirm it.
My hands move to the hem of my shirt, they stay there for a second too long, like I'm trying to find a way out of this. I know though that there isn't one. With an agonizing amount of effort, I pull at the shirt, lifting it only a little bit. Enough though.
Mom's cries don't sound human. They are loud and broken and twisted.
Looking at her is hard, so I lower my eyes to the ground, trying to focus on my shoes. I can feel my body burning, I can feel the pain of each scar, I can remember how all of them were caused. My lips start trembling and my eyes burning as I am trying to fight the tears from falling.
"How...I mean...what?" Her words don't make sense, they are covered by her sobs, turning into incoherent slurs.
I don't know what to say to make this better. I don't know if I can.
I need to escape the images in my head. The room has suddenly become too small for me and I swear I can smell alcohol and mechanic oil.
"He...he couldn't." She sounds so unsure, like she somehow knows that he could.
No. She wouldn't do that. No.
I can suddenly hear another voice, angry, furious. He is screaming so loudly.
I move my hands to my ears, clasping them so hard, searching for an escape from these never ending nightmares.
"Sky." Adam's voice sounds far away, but I can feel his hands on my back, gentle, unsure. He removes my hands from my ears slowly, repeating all over again that I'm okay and all I can hear now is his voice.
I try hard to look at my mother, really hard. I notice how she has difficulty looking me in my eyes too.
"I'm so sorry. I-I can't believe this." She seems to be in agony, and the tears keep coming down, I don't know how she can still cry, it seems like it's never going to stop.
"Mom, stop crying." I plead her but she shakes her head at me, like that's impossible.
"I can't. My baby girl...this is all my fault. I'm so sorry. You-you should have said something. I would have gone to the police."
"We did that." Adam informs her, causing her eyebrows to furrow in confusion.
And that's how I find myself telling the same story for the second time. I tell her everything, trying to leave some small details out. I tell her about the therapist and I tell her about me, and my fucked up mind, and the pills. I explain what happened with the police, how everything turned out to be my fault.
I observe her as she listens to me, her expression shifts regularly, but there are two emotions always hidden behind her eyes. Anger and pain.
She doesn't interrupt me, she just listens and for that I'm grateful.
When I stop, trying to catch my breath, for a moment she doesn't say anything.
"Why didn't you say anything? This is all my fault." Her voice is now more gentle but guilt is visible in her face and voice.
"I was afraid." I admit.
I don't usually say that to people. Admit that I was afraid. I want to seem strong, like the girl who went through all this and survived. Who didn't let it get in her way, who managed to overcome it.
But this is as far from the truth as it gets.
I was terrified. Every single day I lived in fear. I couldn't eat and I couldn't talk because of how scared I was. And I did let it get in my way. And I didn't overcome it. I don't know if I ever will. I became this mess, I lost myself and I still haven't found it. Maybe though it was already too late. Maybe I had lost myself since May left. Maybe I had connected myself to her so much, everything about me revolved around her, that when she was no longer there I didn't know who I was supposed to be. It was always me and her and then I was alone.
I learn many things today.
That mom had once been the victim of my dad's wrath. She tells me that it had never crossed her mind that he was able to do something like that to me. That if it had she wouldn't have disappeared. And I believe her.
I learn that she is truly sorry for everything and although she doesn't expect forgiveness, I understand now that I can give it to her. Not now and not for a while but someday.
No matter what I believed till then, I still have part of my family. And I'm willing to do what I have to in order to fix this relationship.
Because in the end all we have, all I have is other people. And I've felt alone for so long, that I had almost forgotten how it is to be around other people, friends. Friends like Clary, Simon, Isabelle and Alec.
And if I'm ever going to find who I really am, I'm going to need them along the way.