~Nikki~
I arrive at home fifteen minutes earlier than usual. Mom isn't home yet, and the house is quiet. I wish that I had brothers or sisters; it's too cold and empty. I'm too cold and empty.
Dex had come back, and I had turned him away. I had turned away the guy I swore to find. I turned away the guy that I had loved. Dex was always special. He made me feel fantastic and perfect and amazing. It was like he was my missing piece. I was his and he was mine. I was Will's, but I still was Dex's.
I just wished that I could figure it out. I wish that the answer would just pop into my head, or that I could travel to the future and see who I'm with.
I sit down on the cold wooden stool that rests against the bar. The walls are beige and plain, and echo the coldness; the numbness. I shake my head and pull out my homework. Nikki, get over it! You are alone! Mom isn't going to pop into the "good-parent" role! Mom isn't going to love you!
Mom didn't love anyone or anything. Dad was it; the love of her life. I was born, and they loved me. Dad died, and suddenly Mom didn't want anything to do with me. I would cry, beg, and scream for her to hold me, but she would shake her head. I became independent at the age of five. I made my own food, put on my own clothes, and cried myself to sleep. Mom would just look at me in disgust, as if Dad made me more lovable. I didn't understand back then why my Mom didn't love me, but now I do. I was a reminder. I was a reminder that she had lost the one person she had trusted with her heart, and she hated me for it. She hated me because I had his eyes, his nose, his feet, and he was dead. Dex was always that one person that still loved me, still held me, and still told me I was beautiful.
I feel my eyes blur with tears. What was with me and crying today? I work through the tears and finish all my homework in record time, but the tears still quiver in the corners of my eyes. I take out the plugs that blast, Jesse's Girl, and tuck it in my back pocket. I pack all my stuff up and begin to prepare dinner. I watch as the water boils, and let the steam push back my tears. I hear the door open, and whip my head around. Mom doesn't come home until late!
"Hello?" I ask, leaning forward on my toes. The house echos my voice, but I hear no answer. God, is this a burglary? Don't go into the living room, Nikki! The people that go in the living room always get killed!
I look around and spot a knife. I can work with a knife! I grab the thick black handle, and hold it in front of me. "I have a knife, and I know how to... dance!" I scream, frowning at the last part. I'm totally going to scare away a burglar with the fact I can dance!
I walk slowly out of the kitchen, pointing the knife forward. I peek around and see the bathroom and hall are empty. I let out a little whimper, and hold the knife tighter. I'm going to have to go into the living room. I slowly enter the living room, glancing around with the knife stretched out in front of me. I hear the footsteps behind me, and whip around.
"Nicole, what is wrong with you?! Can't I come home from work without a knife being pointed at me?" Mom shrieks, the vein popping out on her neck. I squeal and drop the knife, sending it clattering to the ground. I let out a sigh of relief. Mom is better than a burglar, but not by much. At least she's not going to kill me.
"You scared the living crap out of me! I thought I was going to have to stab a burglar!" I pant, clutching my chest.
Mom sighs and looks me over with cold, lifeless eyes. I narrow my eyes at her; something I have never done. I just can't stand her! I don't care if she doesn't love me, but at least treat me like a human being!
"Don't look at your Mother like that, Nicole!" Mom commands, placing her briefcase on the ground.
I step closer to her, so close that we are almost touching. I realize that I am taller than her. "You are not worthy of being called a mother," I spit, hatred burning in my eyes.
She steps back like I slapped her, and I step forward again. "You are a lifeless, emotionless, and selfish monster! I'm sorry that Dad died Mom! I'm sorry that I remind you of him, but I can't bring him back to freaking life! I'm sorry that I disappoint you! I'm sorry that I can't be less like him and more like you! I can't change that, Mom! I can't change that! Stop treating me like I am nothing because I will be way more than you ever were! I will be loved, mother! I will be loved, unlike you!" I hiss, looking into her cold eyes.
I stomp out the door before she can respond, and slam it behind me. The wooden door creaks loudly, and shakes on its hinges. I never want to step foot in that house again. I look back at the house in all its professional glory; two levels, sleek modern outlines, and pristine exterior. I hate it. I hate everything about that house.
I walk the next few blocks to the beach; sweating in the immense heat of the Californian sun. I slip onto the hot sand and wince as it burns my feet. However a smile soon finds my face at the sight of the playing children and the colorful umbrellas that cover the beach. The beach was my favorite place in the world. The sea breaks against the sand, and the plump clouds dot the blue sky. It just feels right to be here. I take off my clothes; pleased that I put my bathing suit underneath them, and dip my feet in the water. I jerk my foot back at the coldness but quickly settle into it.
"Hey, Nikki! You need a board?" I hear a male voice inquire from behind me. I turn and smile to see Joe standing behind me. Joe ran the surfboard rental shop down the beach, and gave me my first lesson. Joe was short and tan, with cropped black hair and brown eyes. He stands in front of me now, in a pair of floral trunks, smiling happily.
"I don't have money, Joe!" I say, frowning slightly.
"No problem, Nikki! You can take this one!" Joe says, handing me the board that's tucked under his arm.
"Thanks! I owe you one," I beam, grabbing the waxed board. It is nice, long and sleek, with a flower painted on the top and bottom.
I dip it in the water, and pull it out a few feet. I hop onto the board and smile at the blue expanse of ocean before me. The ocean was the only place were I was free. I didn't have to worry about Mom, or Dex, or Will. I paddle out further, my arms stroking forward and touching the cool water. I close my eyes for a brief second, enjoying the simple feel of me on the water. Surfing was almost like dancing. It was me and the music when I danced; nothing else mattered, and when I surfed, it was just me and the cool, lapping waves.
I spot a few surfers, straddling their boards and waiting for the small suction and rise that signaled a wave. I do the same; wrapping my legs around the board, and dipping my fingertips in the water. The water pulls back slightly underneath me and I break into a smile. I tilt my head towards the horizon, and see a small ripple heading towards my board. I knew that it would soon become a wave and watched it as it rose up slowly, tumbling over itself until it is a medium-sized crest.
I flip forward onto my stomach and paddle slowly until I can feel it building under, which is when I paddle faster. I gain momentum and squat on my knees; the breeze blowing salt and warm air onto my face. The wave is now surging forward and I know it's time; I pull myself up until I'm standing on the board.
I smile as the wave pushes through from underneath me. I flip up to the lip of the wave and whoop proudly. The wave gets larger and I ride up and down it as it grows closer to the beach. It begins to die as it gets closer to the beach and I easily slip off of it fall into the water.
I beam with pride and happiness, kicking my legs in the deep water. Suddenly, I feel a swirling suction from underneath me and look across the water for a wave, but I don't see any. I don't see any of the other surfers prepping for a wave, but the suction is still there. The suction grows stronger and I look around in agitated confusion. I kick my legs harder as the suction twirls under me, and then I am under the water.
I scream and bubbles rise up from my throat. This isn't a wave; it's an undercurrent. I kick my legs furiously upward, but I don't move. I'm running out of air, and a pounding in my head thuds in my ears. The floral crimson bathing suit on me begins to look like blood, and I panic. I thrash around but the salt water converges around me, trapping me in a vortex. The last drop of air goes out of me, and I can only manage a small paddle towards the surface. I stare blankly upward as the sun shines on the water. I am so close, yet I will never reach the surface. I will die here; under the water. Please, God, please don't let me die.
I watch helplessly as I sink deeper and deeper into the water. The darkness crosses my vision, and I suck in a mouthful of water. I watch the sun disappear behind the darkness, and the world around me goes black.
* * *
"Dex, do you ever wonder what it's like to die," I ask, leaning against Dex's arms. I kick my legs above the ground and the tree's leaves flutter in the soft breeze. The sun burns a hot orange as it disappears behind the purple clouds. It was times like this when I thought heaven touched the ground, and it seemed like a appropriate question for a time like this.
"No, I don't," Dex responds, holding me tighter.
"Why," I ask, putting my head in the crook of his neck.
"I don't like imagining us dying," Dex answers, pulling me even closer to him, as if I was considering death.
"Do you think that we would see each other when we died," I wonder, staring at the last drops of sunlight; heaven was almost gone.
"I think," Dex says, leaning his head on top of mine.
"Why is that," I inquire; sighing as heaven slips behind the clouds.
"I couldn't imagine never seeing you," Dex answers, as if it was obvious.
"I'll find you, Dex. I promise to find you if we are ever apart," I say; sleep staring to converge over me.
"I'll never stop looking for you, Nikki. I promise to always look for you if you ever leave me," Dex whispers, brushing back tendrils of hair from my face.
"I'll never leave you, Dex," I breath, the darkness pulling over me.
"I don't know, you might find someone better," Dex says, a teasing tone in his voice.
I tip over the verge of sleepiness and whisper in my last sleep-filled words, "I'll never find anyone better than you..."