Hey everybody, I just wanted to say really quick that I apologize for the story. Just the story in general.
Those of you who loved both LAIF and EAIF for its realism and such, I know I assured you all that this would be better, but I am realizing that this story is as cliche as can be, and I'm so sorry for that. I'm not finished with it yet, and these chapters are catching up to me because I haven't written in months, and it's kind of overwhelming. But thank you for sticking with me through my odd and not realistic story.
I still hope you'll like it even though it's really kinda lame, but I still enjoy writing it!
Thanks for the support :)
- cilla
I heard the front door open and then click shut. The sound of my brother's voices sounded and I straightened my back, rubbing my tired eyes. "Her car's here." I heard Chris say nonchalantly, and I heard as keys were set on the bar above me.
They walked around into the kitchen and looked down at me in surprise. "What are you doing?" Austin asked, giving me a funny look.
I looked around, trying to go back to being oriented, but ended up yawning again. "Oh, hey guys." I sighed out.
Chris let out a sigh and reached for me, tugging me up. "Are you alright?" He asked.
I nodded. "Just fell asleep." I said passively, looking around for anything new. And I wasn't sure what it was I was looking for. The dishwasher was finished.
"On the floor?" They looked as if they didn't believe me and I looked dully at them. How stupid could people be? I was obviously telling the truth, seeing that when they walked in I was indeed asleep on the floor.
I brushed myself off and looked through the fridge, seeing there was almost nothing in there.
"Yeah, you haven't been home in a while." Bailey said, just walking inside.
I looked back at the three. "You ate all my food?" I said to no one in particular.
They shrugged.
"So you kind of moved in with him." Chris raised an eyebrow.
I shrugged back, not sure why I was still looking in the fridge when there was nothing to eat and shut the door. They were staring at me, a look of disapproval on their faces. "What?" I snapped, the toll of many people's eyes taking over.
"When is Dad coming?" Austin asked suddenly.
I sighed, leaning against the fridge miserably. "I don't know. He keeps saying soon."
"Then he'll be here soon." Austin said with a nod, then sitting at the bar. "Are you gonna introduce them?"
"Who?" My mind went blank for a split second and my brother gave me a dry look. "Oh, right. Yeah, I guess."
"So it's serious now, right?" Bailey asked, digging in my empty pantry.
I swallowed my embarrassment and nodded. I asked myself if it was true.
It was, I assumed.
We ate together, slept together, did a lot of things together... But then again so did me and Charlie- Mr. Grant. He was no longer Charlie to me. He said so himself.
But it was true. He and I never had a label on each other- oh god who am I kidding? He used to tell me to tell him that I was his.
"Say you're mine."
Butterflies betrayed me and began to flutter at the memory. We were never serious because of him, not me.
Though his mother believed otherwise.
Andy never specified, but he told me he loved me. I knew for a fact that things between us were serious. I just hoped I'd be enough for him.
"You've never actually introduced him to us, y'know." Austin began.
I raised an eyebrow. "You've met him before." I reminded them of the night I first met Andy. A convention, a business gathering we all went to because the guys were interested. They just shook hands and walked along- but our eyes met. I remembered that exact moment, it was like we were in a movie. The two of us just kept looking back at each other. I remembered wondering to myself why I was acting the way I was, and why on earth he was staring back at me.
Finally when he caught me when everyone was busy with someone else who was speaking, he introduced himself. He sparked up some stupid conversation about him and his business. I ended up telling him I had no idea what he was talking about and somehow we talked about... I don't remember, but we laughed a lot. We laughed and I noticed how close we stood to each other, and soon the question came... "Do you wanna come over to my place?"
I remembered holding in the shocked and speechless girl inside of me and just smoothly agreed as if I knew exactly what I was doing. I followed him in my jeep, and as soon as I walked into his apartment we kissed, as if it we melted perfectly into each other.
I was so nervous, but also so damn excited.
"But we've never met him as your boyfriend."
I blushed for some reason. "You don't need to...-"
"Just invite him over or something."
I considered it, then thought about how my brothers would act, how respectful they would be. I knew they would be polite, and last time Chris was just irritated because of the cupcake situation. After thinking, I told myself it wouldn't be so bad to invite Andy over while my brothers were there.
Andy was respectful, so I felt they would like him eventually. What I hated was the fact that they were such good friends with my teacher, the man I was also in love with. And I hated myself for loving that idiot.
Who am I kidding?
I continuously asked myself that. I was the idiot, not him.
"Maybe next week." I told them.
At Andy's that same night he told me he had to go out of the country to Japan the next week to a business thing- I wasn't sure, I wasn't paying attention. It was hard to when someone so beautiful was pressed against me, looking back at me with those perfect eyes.
I didn't know what it was at the time, but I suddenly felt a stab of guilt overflow me. I asked myself a load of questions.
Why was I feeling this?
I haven't done anything wrong.
But I had. The reminder of someone else was still there and I looked back at Andy, remembering how I took advantage of him. How I treated him terribly by being with someone else, by loving someone else.
I had to tell him. Before he left the next week to Japan.
I didn't know when.
...
I held in my tears. No, I wasn't going to cry.
My hands were clasped together tightly in front of me and I stared back at him.
He was going to hate me.
"I was seeing someone else." I said evenly, and surprised myself by sound so unfazed, so calm.
Andy looked back at me. It was killing me how calm he looked. I groaned inside, internally shouting at him to say something- to give away how he felt, angry, sad, confused, I didn't know. I just wanted him to stop looking so... Casual.
"Say something." I told him.
He rubbed his head, as if he finally heard what I said and he was trying to understand it. "I don't know what to say." He said a little shyly, almost embarrassed, almost... sorry. He sounded apologetic by not knowing how to react to me telling him how unfaithful I am.
"I'm sorry." I said, hoping I didn't sound needy, or desperate. I just wanted to have a civil and calm conversation with him, but it was hard when I had a bitchy conscience telling me I didn't deserve to have him. I should be on my knees begging forgiveness, but that wasn't me.
To my absolute surprise, Andy smiled at me. It was soft, and assuring. I hated how I still saw the hint of offence and pain in his eyes.
Oh god I hurt Andy.
"I know you are." He said as if it was okay. As if me being with another man while being with him was okay.
I stared back in shock, and he chuckled quietly at me, reaching for my waist and pulling me forward in a strong embrace. "I forgive you, Diana."
"You do?" I found myself whisper to him. It was unreal, and I expecting him to shake his head with a hard expression and tell me to pack my things and get the hell out. But he kept his sweet smile.
"I love you. And I know you love me." We were quiet a while, taking in this loving silence. "You're not with... this guy anymore... are you?"
I shook my head. "No, I'm not. I swear."
He pressed his forehead to mine and closed his relieved eyes.
"You ended things?"
"I did."
"For me?" He sounded so hopeful, it hurt.
But I told him the semi-honest answer all the same, proud that I did. "Yes. For you."
He released a deep sigh and hugged me so tightly. "Now you're officially mine then, right? I want to say my girlfriend, but that sounds kinda immature." He sort of chuckled.
"Yes, I am." I told him quietly, wanting to cry at how it sounded as if he was hurting. I hated the pain I'd been causing to people. Erin, Mr. Grant, Andy...
"I love you." He told me, his voice sounding the slightest desperate, and I didn't want it. I didn't want him to act as if he needed to beg me.
I should be the one begging him. I did all the wrong. That's what usually kills me the most, the fact that Andy would never hurt me, and I was there hurting him. Hurting everyone.
"I love you so much, Andy." I said, trying to put as much as my apology in there as possible- but at the same time, trying not to sound weak. I don't know if I succeeded in the latter, but I have a feeling I did.
He didn't ask who. He didn't ask when. He didn't ask how long... He just forgave me. He is the most perfect man. I often tried to tell myself that enough to maybe even jinx things. There was no way he had no flaws, and I wanted to find one. And when I did, I wanted to cherish it to remind myself that he was human, and even with flaws he still had such confidence.
What on earth is wrong with him?
I couldn't find a thing.
...
At lunch I sat with Connor and Cole outside. It was nice and cool, and the sun was out, so I was able to shed my cardigan and lean back against Connor's truck and soak up the rare warmth in my white floral-lace tank top. I felt pretty. For the first time in a while I didn't hate myself. I wasn't sure why, but I felt as if I was clean. I knew I wasn't, and I was still hiding so many things from people, but I felt good.
Then my mood was ruined when I realized Erin was avoiding me. "...said she was pissed off." I tuned in late at Connor and Cole's conversation.
Yep, that was my fault.
I closed my eyes and felt the nice breeze hit me and I let out a content sigh. Then the hammer of guilt began to go at me and I felt hurt again. Why did I have to be so damn see-through to some people?
"Diana, do you know what's up with her?" Connor asked, taking a bite out of his sandwich.
I shook my head and stretched out, sitting up straight and sliding back on my cardigan to pack up my things before our lunch ended. "She's suddenly sassy as fuck." Cole added on, chugging his bottle of water.
I didn't want to tell them, because if I did, they'd ask what it was I was keeping from her. Then I'd lie and say nothing, and they'd either believe me, or- like Erin- know I was lying. Then everyone would hate me. Even if they should, I don't want them to, because they're my closest friends.
And you're supposed to tell your friends things. I kept things from everyone. I hadn't yet told my father anything. I won't tell Mr. Grant I love him. Andy doesn't know anything about Mr. Grant. My brothers don't, either. Nor do my friends.
Shows how honest I was.
"Career Day is in a couple weeks." Connor said, thinking hard.
"And?" Cole said back, as if career day was the least important thing in his life. It probably was.
"I have to help out." He groaned.
"Why?" I asked.
"My house principle said it was good for me. I hate that she thinks she can control my life just because she knows my class rank." He growled, crossing his arms.
It was a small reminder that my best friends were smart. They were so incredibly smart, and they shouldn't be failing calculus...
"What do you have to do?" Cole asked.
"I have to set up the caf and organize them by subject, then have them get enough time to go through some of the teacher's rooms."
"Sounds difficult."
Connor shrugged, standing in his truck as the bell rang and brushed himself off. "It's actually not that bad. There's a few others helping, so I don't have to do too much."
I smiled at him as he helped me and Cole up. "How responsible of you."
"Shut up." He joked, and we hopped out of the back of his truck and went off to our next period.
After a class filled with dread and dead silence, I was exhausted. The man who supposedly taught calculus was just there now to rush through things and hand out confusing work. Confusing work, which we all stared at in hatred and miserability.
When I got to Andy's he wasn't there, and he texted me to say he had to attend some important interview, so I was alone until late at night.
I was eating dinner and thinking to myself with the television on, just for company. Soon I heard a familiar voice on tv and I got goosebumps, looking at the screen and staring at Andy who sat in a cushioned chair across from the beautiful blonde haired woman who interviewed him, asking common questions about his work. I sat in awe and watched him answer each question smoothly, looking completely unfazed.
Then she moved into the personal questions. She asked about his best friend- who he answered as his brother. Then after a few more she asked about a girlfriend. It was the first time in all the interview he lit up and smiled; heat enveloped me as I sat there on his couch.
"I guess I do." He said with a nod.
The woman looked excited. "So this is the mystery woman the news has spoken often about? Tell us about her." Her legs crossed the other side in interest and she clasped her hands into her lap, staring at him expectantly.
I felt nervous for myself- wondering if he'd tell them about me. Wondering if he really was shameless enough to say I was still in high school. I blushed at the thought. He must be so embarrassed. Luckily he casually chuckled, his business face forgotten for the short time and I could tell he was trying to go back to being professional. "I don't think it's the time to talk about relationships." He sounded so strong, so in charge. I loved it.
She nodded and began to ask about how he got started, and I decided to go to sleep.
He came back late and I was in bed, fast asleep waiting for him. When he got in next to me he woke me up a little and I looked up at him tiredly in the dark. "I saw you on tv." I said quietly with a smile- a sleepy smile.
"Yeah, sorry I came back so late." He apologized sweetly. We kissed and stuff... Soon we fell asleep together.
"Did you love him?" Andy's quiet voice asked me the next morning while we layed there- still waking up.
My chest rose in surprise. I knew immediately what he was saying and emotion was attacking me. I hesitated- of course I didn't want to tell him the truth. What human would enjoy telling their other that they were in love with someone else?
It was such a random question, such a random time, and I hated knowing how he felt bad by asking. He'd given into the curiosity that pushed him to ask me such a painful question. I squeezed my eyes closed, feeling as he played with my hair. He was waiting, I knew he was, but I just couldn't bring myself to answer him honestly.
I wanted so badly to tell him I didn't love someone else.
I finally gathered up somewhat of the courage I had left and looked up at him, holding his beautiful face. "I love you, Andy." I said instead, hating myself so much for creating the crease between his eyebrows, forcing him to hold back the pained face he had hidden beneath. I hated seeing him so disappointed. I hadn't answered his question, and that technically answered it for him.
I did not deserve him at all.
His saddened eyes never left mine when he whispered, "How much?" The worst part was I knew Andy wasn't asking me how much I loved him, but he was asking me how much I loved Charlie.
I felt my nose sting as tears began to spring from behind my eyes, proving I wasn't heartless. Only, I was successful in holding it in, and just stared at him- no words to speak. "I love you." I whispered, allowing my voice to crack, because I deserved to feel the pain. He didn't. I had no right to hurt him.
He sucked in a breath and hugged me tighter, making me feel terrible inside for making him feel like he couldn't let go or else I'd slip away. I wanted to tell him I wasn't going anywhere, but knew if I spoke, I'd be in tears.
I held him back with all I had.