6 | you should go
I'm in the process of fixing myself
I was thankful I had to go into work today until I found out that Will, Axel, and the girls went to Disneyland, and weren't home anyway. I receive a picture from Will of Axel squatting in front the castle, Jem behind him, her arms wrapped around his neck, and Leah and Lily in their princess dresses, one on each of his knees.
He looks like their knight in shining armour, and when I glance closer, I realize that he's wearing a white shirt and a green vest, and looks like the spitting image of Flynn Rider, except with tattoos.
Before my hormones can go out of whack, I'm home and Tasha is sitting on the front porch.
"Hey, babe," I greet, "sorry about yesterday."
"I'd say no worries," she stands up, crossing her arms, "but whose fucking car is that?"
I glance to the car she nods to and smile guiltily.
"You didn't tell me he was back!" she screeches, and thank God it's excitedly, not angrily. I give her a hug and tug her inside so the neighbours don't call the cops with a noise complaint, because she's bubbling with questions. "When did he come? Did he just get here? Did you talk to him?" She gasps, "holy fuck. Did you sleep with him? You totally fucked him already, didn't you, you dirty little wh—"
"Okay, shush," I press a finger against her lips, and I have to guide her to a chair at the island to get her to sit still. "We didn't do anything. He came on—"
"—Inside you and now you're preg—"
"Fuck off!" I squeal, punching her playfully in the arm. "You're disgusting. We're over. He's just Will's friend, and Jem's brother. He's nothing to me."
Tasha accepts the strawberry wine cooler I slide across the counter and asks, "Okay, this is just too much for me. So, is he still like," she pops open the bottle, "hot as fuckin' hell?"
I show her the picture Will sent me. She groans and throws her head back, "fuck, yes, Eugene! Avi, Avi, Avi," she shakes her head, "If I were you, I'd have followed that boy all the way to Seattle and told him I was staying. Hell, you should still do that right now. There's no way he's over you."
I sigh and sit beside her, deciding to have some alcohol myself. "He asked me to."
She gasps. "And you said yes?"
I shake my head.
She groans and pretends to whack her head on the table. "Dude," she whines, "why?"
"I told him that we're not meant to be and that I'm with Dylan." I swallow half the bottle of alcohol, trying to forget about Dylan, especially my conversation with him last night.
"Fuck Dylan!" Tasha says, and then adds, "aw, I love Dylan, but no, fuck Dylan."
I shake my head. "I never did, actually."
Tasha giggles. "I think you still love Axel. Why aren't you doing anything about it?"
I bring out the whole case of coolers. "Because," I say, sitting beside her, "he's given me up so many times like it's nothing. I can't just go back to him and let him think it's okay."
Tasha nods. "I can agree with that. But you two are meant to be together."
"That's what he thinks too."
Tasha coos. She loves Axel too much, and I think she's more invested in my relationship with him than I am. I guess that's what friends are like. "I think you think that too, though," she tells me, tucking a stray chunk of hair back behind my ear. "And I mean, you guys could always take it slow."
I open my mouth to say something but a car pulls up outside. Tasha and I rush to the window, and we see Will's pickup truck pull into the driveway, and Axel get out the passenger side to move around to the back, lifting the sleeping Leah and Lily into his arms. Jem jumps out of the back too, following Axel like a shadow up the steps, and Will grabs the bags from the back.
Tasha winks at me and tugs me to the front hallway. It takes every bit of her energy to stop herself from squealing and attacking Axel, because the girls are asleep. I read her mind, at least, partially, and smile softly at Axel and takes the girls from him so Tasha can embrace him.
"Axel White!" she gasps. "I'll be damned." She pulls away from him, his shoulders in her hands, feeling her way down to his biceps. "Do you get hotter by the minute, or what?"
He shrugs, but Will comes up behind him and teases, "don't you have a boyfriend, Tasha?"
Tasha giggles and flips him off. "Yes, but he's bi, and I now he'd hit on Axel too."
Will takes the girls upstairs and since Axel's occupied with Tasha, whether he wants to be or not, I take Jem to the living room and ask her about her day.
She smiles. "I want to hangout with Axel everyday!" she tells me. And then she gets sad. "I don't want him to go, Avi. Tell him to come back."
I sigh. "I'll make you a promise," I say, smoothing down her hair. "We're going to visit him all the time, okay? It'll be like he never left."
Jem nods and leans against my arm, and Tasha and Axel join us in the living room.
"I have a date, actually," Tasha is telling Axel when he asks if she's staying, "but I just wanted to stop by and see Avi, and give her hell for not telling me you were visiting." She pulls him into another quick hug and says, "It's nice to see you though. You should visit more often. Seriously. Like every two years isn't enough," she scolds.
She sighs, and gives Jem and I a hug. "Love you two," she says, kissing Jem's forehead. "Have a goodnight, guys."
We say goodbye, and she leaves, but not before checking Axel out once again and sending a wink my way.
I shake my head. "Let's get you ready for bed," I tell Jem, and pick her up into my arms, to saying anything to Axel, and taking her upstairs. I run a bath for her, and she plays with her toy figures in the water while I wash up and throw on my pyjamas, and try to wash the alcohol off of my breath.
Jem gets Axel to read to her, and she cuddles into his arms like he's her safe haven. I watch the two for a moment, her eyes closed, just taking in the sound of his voice, hardly listening to the story, and every bit of me wants to curl up in her bed with her and Axel, on his other side, and just stay that way for awhile.
I go downstairs instead and clean up the kitchen, trying to avoid how much I just want to touch Axel today. I can't believe he's actually here. I don't know what I thought would happen when he came back, mostly because I decided he was never going to, but I never would have thought I'd still want to be with him so much.
I sigh and wipe the counters off, and take the bottles to the recycling. When I get back to the kitchen, Axel is waiting beside the microwave, popping a bag of popcorn.
"Hey," he says softly. His voice sends shivers through my body.
"Hi," I smile sheepishly, looking away, and heat up the kettle to make a tea.
To my surprise, Axel doesn't say anything else.
I glance at him. "What are you doing tonight?"
"Will and I are watching The Nun on Netflix," he tells me, taking the popcorn from the microwave. "Wanna join?"
I shake my head. But yes, I do.
"Goodnight," he says, and starts leaving.
I can't stop myself from saying, "Axel—." He turns around, and I rush towards him, grabbing his face between my hands, standing up on my tiptoes, and plant a kiss on his lips.
I don't expect him to, but he sets his popcorn down, and pushes me away. "Aviana, shit, wait," he murmurs, glancing down at me, and then his expression changes, and he shakes his head, his hands sliding down to my waist. He pulls me in and whispers, "never mind, I don't care."
Before he can kiss me back, I frown, "wait, what do you mean?"
He sighs, his nose almost touching mine. "Your boyfriend? I mean, it's not like we haven't done this before."
I gulp. Right. I cheated on Tanner. But this is isn't the same. This time, I'm not cheating.
"Shit," I groan, rubbing my eyes. "This was a bad idea. Actually, it wasn't even an idea. It just happened."
Axel chuckles quietly. "Can we make it happen again?" he whispers, and lips touch mine, kissing me softly as he encircles my longing body into his strong arms. I want to say no, but my lips and mouth and tongue say yes, as I kiss him back, wrapping my arms around the back of his neck, trying to pull him even closer.
My body aches, either from him holding me so tightly, or because every part of me seems to be screaming at me to stop!.
I shove Axel away before I can even comprehend much of what we just did. "I can't," I whimper, cover my face with my hands.
Axel keeps his distance. "I'm sorry," he tells me, "I shouldn't have put you in that position again."
I shake my head. "It's not that. I mean, you and I, can't. Aren't. Won't."
Axel frowns. "Aviana—"
"Dylan and I broke up," I admit.
"You did?" he questions, his voice filled with surprise.
We did. Last night. "He broke up with me," I say.
I try to forget it. But I can't.
Do you still love him?
I don't know, Dyl, we have history, I said rubbing my face.
Do you love me?
I don't know you that well yet.
Bullshit, Dylan yelled. He calmed himself down in seconds and said, I'm not mad. You love who you love, Avi. But don't drag my heart through the dirt. I have feelings. And I see how you look at him. He's everything to you. Even after what he did to you. If that's what you want, stop lying to yourself. Commit to something.
I don't know what I'm feeling Dyl, I started to cry.
I'm sorry, but I can't stand around and help you with that, he said. He embraced me, and kissed my forehead, and whispered, I'm going to take you home now. I hope you find happiness and love. You deserve it. But so do I. I clung to him for a bit, and he pulled me away after 5 minutes, and asked, Do you understand what I'm saying? What I'm doing?
I nodded. I'm sorry, Dylan. You're amazing. I hope that I didn't make you think otherwise. I just—
He sighed, I know, Avi. I know.
Axel stares at me. "Wait, he broke up with you?" he asks. "Is he an idiot?"
I sigh. I think last night was the most I've actually liked Dylan. He finally stood up for himself.
"But then why can't we—"
"Because you left me, Axel!" I don't let him finish his sentence. "Multiple times, in fact. I loved you so much and you made me feel like I was nothing. I wasn't even worth your goodbye the last time. But it won't be the last time, will it be? I don't trust you. I don't trust that you'll stick by me. You're just going to run away. It's what you do. And I'm not risking it."
"You won't have to risk anything, Aviana," he said. "I keep my promises."
I cross my arms. "You broke me, Axel. And I'm in the process of fixing myself. I won't let you get in the way."
He drops his head into his hands and starts to cry.
"I think you should go," I tell him.
He doesn't grab the popcorn. Instead, he goes to the front hallway, grabs his keys and gets into his car. He drives away. I watch him from the window, wishing I hadn't been so cold, wishing I hadn't made him cry, wishing I wasn't so damn stubborn. But this is how it has to be.