A/N ; this chapter is jumpy and skips a few parts but I really wanted to get to a certain point. Sorry for such a long wait for such a terrible chapter. However, I hope you enjoy. Leave me love, or hate, it's a free world. xx
We were having a war with our eyes. I thought back to how we ended up here, and cursed myself for ever going back to Florida. I never should have let my parents convince me. I haven't been home a few hours and my relationship is barely holding on by a thread. She stood on the opposite side of her living room, in the corner. Her chest rising and falling, as if she was fighting to remind herself to breath. There were tears in her eyes, threatening to fall, and it caused my heart to constrict. However, I don't know how to fix this, I don't even know what we're fighting about. I simply asked what had happened between her and Kate, and she started to freak. Why? Guilty conscious, perhaps?
Bella's living room is small, I could easily take a few steps and have her pinned. I just don't think she would react well right now, and by that, I mean I'd probably be leaving here today with a black eye. I craved her to be in my arms, I don't care what was said! Hell, I'd have no problem putting male friends in their place if I felt jealous of them. So who cares if Bella did? Isn't that what you're supposed to do when you love someone? Protect what's yours beyond rationality?
Then it hit me, Bella has never put me in a place where I needed to be jealous enough to claim what was mine. Sure, I'd been jealous, but never of a friend around her when I couldn't control it. She was good at keeping guys at an arms length, I'm the only guy I've known her to be close to. Would I be jealous of Emmett and Jasper if she gave me a reason to be? Like, for example, being alone in a hotel room with them while I was so many miles away? I felt guilty. I never thought of Kate in a way more than friends, but how could Bella know that? It's impossible, even if I were to say it to her, she has no reason to believe it to be the truth.
"I'm really sorry." I spoke finally, my voice was soft. My eyes trained to her face, to process the emotions that flitted across them. Confusion, realization, brief anger, and then just sadness. She crossed her arms over her chest, squeezing herself, and her eyes shut tight.
"I think you should probably just go." She said, not looking at me. "You shouldn't be here anymore."
"Bella, I'm not going anywhere until we work this out." I insisted, instinctively stepping closer, but freezing when she stepped back more, pressing her back against the wall like a scared, cornered animal. She still had her eyes closed, so I guess she just heard my step.
"There's nothing to work out." She spoke again, her voice was harder this time, more determined.
"What do you mean? You need some time to cool off? I can go grab us some food and we can take a breather, sit down, relax, and then talk." I didn't want to go home and wait for her call. I wanted to be there while she worked out whatever she needed to work out. I'd be here every step of the way.
"No, I don't want you to do any of that, I don't want you here," She sounded angry now, and her eyes finally flashed open to meet mine, and despite the anger in her tone, her eyes were soft, and broken, causing my heart to shatter. I instantly knew what she was getting at.
"This is it, isn't it?" I spoke, barely holding back tears of my own, my voice broke in an embarrassing way at the end. "This is you breaking up with me."
She took a second before nodding, then she turned her head away from me.
"Why? What did I do?" The tears were falling rapidly down my face now, I was broken in a way I never have been before. It took a second to realize I wasn't breathing, and I gasped. I hated feeling this way, I hated it. "What can I do to fix it? I love you, Bella."
She started shaking her head rapidly, her face resembled what I felt, and I didn't understand, if she hurt like I hurt over this, why is she doing it? I can't take it. I move to her, catching her face in my hands, I begin wiping away her tears.
"Please," I whisper, and I know she sees it, I am truly the picture of a broken man. "I love you. I want to fix us." I repeated myself. For a brief second, she leans into my touch, then her eyes shut, and then disgust crosses her beautiful features, and she opens her eyes with a new sense of sad determination.
"There's nothing you can do." She said, "We can't be fixed. I can't forgive you, not for this." She took a deep, shattering breath, "For anything else, fuck, I love you so much I'd forgive you for anything else, but not this. Please, you need to leave."
Confused. Broken. Empty. That's what I felt. Could she really feel this way over something so trivial? She just said it. She loves me. But how could she love me if she's so willing to leave me? Without talking, communicating. How could it be love if she could walk away so easily? I shook my head slowly.
"I'll go, okay? You want me gone, so I'll go. But do me a favor, Bella," The hurt in my voice was strong, the voice in my head was telling me to shut up and leave. Don't say anything else, you love her, you want to work this out, right? Keep your mouth shut. "Don't ever say that you love me, or that you loved me, ever. You want to leave me without even a hint of why? Without talking like the adults we supposedly are? That's not love. It's bullshit."
I let her go, and turned to leave quickly, I didn't want to see her face right now, I didn't want to see what emotion, if any, I had inflicted on her. I hightailed it out of there, fast, leaving her standing in the same place. Then I blacked out. I don't remember anything for the next twenty minutes starting the second I walked out her door. The pain of losing her was way too much, I guess I went into survival mode.
The first thing I remember is my mother meeting me at the front door. I guess I had been standing outside, staring at it. I don't know how long I had been standing there, but when my mom found me I was trembling. Whether it was from the cold or the shock of losing the only woman I have ever truly loved, I have no idea.
"Edward, honey." My moms soft voice tried to soothe me. There were tears pouring down my face, which stunned me. I must have been a child the last time I truly cried, however the lump that was building in my chest was all too familiar. She moved forward, wrapping her arms tightly around me.
"How did I get home?" I wondered aloud, my voice breaking. I forced myself to blink, which just in turn, made even more tears to fall.
"You drove, sweetie." My moms voice was sad, and I knew it was because I was sad. I wished I could comfort her, but my arms were frozen, I was frozen. My heart pounding as if it was working double time trying unsuccessfully to heal itself, but with each beat, the pain made itself known, as if saying it was here to stay. "did something happen with Bella?"
Her name was my undoing, and the lump that had formed in my chest finally slipped out in a strangled sob. I know it isn't a manly thing, to cry. However, to be fair, not many things can make me cry. At this moment I didn't care what anyone thought anyway. I was a broken man.
The wind blew and my mother shivered, I was beyond feeling the cold, but it snapped me back to reality. We were standing outside in the cold. My mothers arms were bare, and she had goosebumps covering the exposed flesh. I backed up out of her grasp, and conjured up the smallest of smiles for her sake.
"We should head inside." I spoke in barely more than a whisper, I didn't want my voice to betray me. In reality, I didn't want to move from this spot, but I also didn't want the poor woman to freeze.
"Are you going to be okay?" She questioned me, she examined my gaze, as if trying to figure out if I lied. I nodded slowly. I knew she could see in my eyes that it wasn't the truth, but for now, she accepted it. She headed inside with me on her trail, I discarded my coat, hanging it on it's proper hanger, all while she watched.
I was barely holding my shit together, but I didn't want to break down in front of her again, so I told her that I needed some rest, and after she told me that I could come to her anytime day or night if I needed someone to talk to, she let me go. I practically sprinted up the stairs, when I got to my room, I locked the door immediately, and then I just stood there. I didn't want to turn around and face my bed, where I had spent some of the best moments of my life, with her. Eventually, however, I had no choice.
I did what I could to avoid it, taking a long hot shower, then pacing around my bathroom, I even sat on the floor for a while playing angry birds to avoid going out and being swaddled in the pain that I know is going to consume me once I lay in my bed. After brushing my teeth for much longer than necessary, I finally made my way out to my room. I got dressed for bed and then pulled back my covers. Agony gripped at my heart before I could even lay down, but I did anyway. I couldn't imagine it getting worse than it was, so I grabbed the pillow she had slept on and pulled it to my chest, then I unlocked my phone and opened spotify.
I went directly to the playlist named 'Bella' a playlist I had been composing of songs she loved, and songs that made me think of her, to plan out, as cheesy as it sounds, a CD for her, to know how much she always meant to me, and always will mean to me. I got to the fourth song in the list, and put it on. It automatically connected to my bluetooth speakers, so I was surrounded in the song that took me back to the very first day I messaged Bella.
I sang along as much as I could, if you could call it singing and not just mumbling. Letting the song, Ever After, bring all my favorite memory's of Bella to the forefront of my brain.
"Once upon a time, I used to romanticize, I used to be somebody, never mind. I don't miss it that much now, I think it's sinking in, the days that I wonder where I've been, in picture perfect porcelain, but I won't lose a pound. you say I would make a better liar, I never face the music when it's dire, and I breathe disaster, ever after, don't pull away from me now. Don't you move, can't you stay where you are, just for now? I could be your perfect disaster, you could be my ever after," I let out a long sigh, shutting my eyes, while more tears escaped. "You could be my ever after, after all."
More of the song played, and I hummed along, but a certain part made me freeze, and I shot up in my bed, grabbing my phone, I re-winded a little so that the part would replay. then I paused the song, and sang the part myself.
"Don't want to think about it, I'm fucking tired of getting sick about it, now stand back up and be a man about it, and fight for something, fight for something, fight for something."
My heart beat faster in that moment, of course I'm an idiot. I can't just let her go and not fight for her. I couldn't live with myself knowing I didn't fight, not knowing what would have been if I just fucking manned up. So I thought, what triggered the breakup.
One word.
Kate.
Whatever had happened between them while I was out of the room was obviously enough to disturb Bella. I thought back to what Kate told me they talked about. Kate said she staked her claim. Again I thought that it wasn't a big deal. I would have done the same, yes? But something definitely isn't right. If that is what happened, if Bella truly did just stake her claim, why did she break up with me just hours after my return home?
It doesn't. make. sense. I slumped back against my headboard, my brows furrowed together. My gut was telling me something wasn't right, I was being lied to, my shoulders tensed as I went back over the scene with Kate once again in my head.
"I'm your oldest friend," She had said to me, "if she doesn't trust you with me, who will she trust you with? and besides, I'm not going to tell you what she said, but it seems to me she is convinced something happened between us while you were here."
The pieces started to click in my head. Everything that happened, and I started to hyperventilate.
I thought back to when I was at Bella's.
"I'm really sorry," I had said to her. I recalled the expressions on her face, as they jumped, then quickly landed on hurt. Now I realize, she took my apology as an admission of guilt. Guilt for something she was told that happened.
"I love you so much, fuck, I'd forgive you for anything, but not for this." I had been confused at the time, the argument was so trivial, it was honestly such a small thing for her to not be able to forgive me for.
"I'm your oldest friend, if she doesn't trust you with me, who will she trust you with? and besides, I'm not going to tell you what she said, but it seems to me she is convinced something happened between us while you were here." It had sounded so scripted. So planned. She fucking did this to us. My stomach turned, and I grabbed my phone immediately, turning off the bluetooth, I dialed Kate's number. I needed her to admit this. I needed Bella to hear her admit this. I put the phone on speaker, and then I reached over and as quickly as I could grabbed my camera out of the nightstand drawer.
She answered on the second ring.
"Hey, you." She said. More things popped in my head with this, and I realized that she was being flirty, that she was always flirty with me, and my stomach clenched. I got the camera on and pressed record, holding it close to the phone. "You miss me already, huh?"
"Kate, we need to talk." I was trying to keep my voice calm, but my patience was definitely being tested.
"Sure, what's up?" she spoke again. I knew there was only one way, if I had any prayer, to get her to admit this.
"Bella told me what really happened when I left the room." I listened carefully, and caught the sound of her breath picking up.
"What do you mean?" She questioned me, the guilt in her voice was evident though. She knew she had been caught.
"If you want me to forgive you, if you want me to be in your life, you're going to tell me the truth, all of it, and if your story doesn't match Bella's to the letter, I swear, Kate I will never speak to you again." I spoke in a slow voice, willing her to hear the truth in my words. Bella never said anything to me, but I knew without a doubt that Kate had lied. To Bella and me.
"Of course I want you to be in my life, Edward," her voice gave away the fact that she was now upset.
"Then tell me, and be truthful." This was it, her final chance. "And when you're done, I need you to swear on Benjamin's grave that you're telling the truth." I felt a twinge of guilt at my words, Benjamin was Kate's younger brother, who had died in a motor-vehicle accident a few years back. She loved him, and I knew she wouldn't dare swear on him unless she was speaking the truth.
A sob escaped her lips, and I flinched. No matter what she had done she is still my oldest friend. I hated being the one to hurt her. But then, she had no issue hurting me, did she?
"Okay," She spoke in a somber voice, "Just know how sorry I am, okay?"
I swallowed hard, and shut my eyes, tensing, I prepared myself for what she was going to say.
"I told her that the entire time you had been talking to her in the beginning, you and I were secretly together, that we couldn't tell anyone because of Tanya. I told her that we were in love, that we continued that romance on the phone even after you and her got together, and that since you had come home we had rekindled our secret affair. I told her we were sleeping together." Her voice turned to just barely a whisper, and I hoped that I had caught it on camera. "I swear on Benjamin's grave I'm telling you the truth."
"Why did you lie to Bella?" My broken heart was beating a broken tune. "Why did you lie to me?"
"Are you that naive?" she asked me. "You grew up with me too, you know, not just Tanya, and yet you never noticed me, not the way I noticed you."
"What are you talking about? We've always been best friends." I defended myself, I truly have never seen her as anything more.
"Friends? Damn it, Edward, I don't want to be your friend, I'm in love with you, and I think you love me too." Her voice was pleading, and I gritted my teeth.
"That's something you tell someone, not something you make lies about and tell their girlfriend." I growled. "This just proves you're a child, Kate. Or psychotic, just like your sister, it's a wonder I made it out alive."
"If I had told you, would you have chosen me over Bella?" She was completely ignoring everything else I had said. I guess she truly was crazy.
"I would have chosen Bella, of course, I'll always choose Bella. I love her." The other end of the line was silent, except for the sound of her heavy breathing, which I assumed was courtesy of her ridiculous crying fit.
"And I lied, we can't fix our friendship. Do me a favor, and delete me off everything, and lose my number. Don't ever contact me again." I was breathing heavily, trembling, the camera was shaking with me.
"No, Edw-" She began to protest, but I hung up before she could finish.
"Fuck," I hissed, before ending the recording.
That's it. It's the proof I need to convince Bella that everything Kate had said to her was total bullshit. But the question was, do I really need it? Can I convince Bella to listen without it? I doubt it. In her eyes the trust had been broken. I guess, in my eyes it had been as well, but by her. If I do get her back, would I be able to trust her not to just take off again the second things get rough? I had to figure this shit out on my own, because she felt like she couldn't talk to me. Or maybe she just didn't want to. That stung me, I took a deep breath, steadying myself. There was no question that I wanted her back, but it may never even happen. She believed what Kate said for a reason, right?
I didn't sleep that night, my mind was swarmed with thoughts of whether or not I'd win her back, and the things we would have to work on if I did. How could I sleep? I have to find a way to talk to her. I recalled that she had told me before all this went down that she was working tomorrow. And I assumed that would be my only window.
The next day I waited impatiently, I knew Bella started work at 10AM, and I didn't want to ambush her at the start of her shift, so I decided to go at 1 to get some lunch. I hadn't eaten anything at all that day, but still I wasn't hungry when I pulled up to the Diner, I was much too nervous. I was hasty finding a seat in Bella's section, positioning myself so she wouldn't know who I was until she came to serve me, I had a feeling she would avoid me if she knew I was here. I felt like a stalker, but what else was I supposed to do?
It felt like forever, sitting there and waiting for Bella to come, when in reality it wasn't long at all, she was good at her job.
"Welcome to Brown's, what can I get you?" The sound of her voice caused me to look up at her, she hadn't even looked down at me, I don't think she even realizes it is me sitting here, it was evident that she was in just as much pain as I am, and I felt guilty.
"I'll take two milkshakes, and you, sitting down and talking to me," I let my emotion seep through my words to the point it sounded like a plea, her eyes shot to mine and what little color was in her cheeks vanished completely. "Please," I added in a whisper.
"What are you doing here?" she asked me, her head shaking slowly as she talked.
"I doubt you'd see me any other way." I told her, completely honest. "Can you come talk to me?"
"I'm not on break." She quickly made an excuse.
"I'll wait." I told her, shrugging slightly.
"It will probably be a while," I could sense she was trying to get rid of me, but I truly needed her to listen to me, for even a moment.
"That doesn't matter to me, I'll wait all day if I have to." Her eyes shot up at my words and she crossed her arms over my chest.
"I don't get a break today, I'm only here for a four hour shift." She finally admitted, I nodded once. That only leaves an hour. I can definitely handle an hour.
"Can we talk when you're done?" I pleaded, she closed her eyes for a moment, and then nodded slightly.
"Only for a few minutes." She whispered.
"I'll take whatever you give me, Bella." I don't know if she understood what I meant, but knowing I'd be able to speak to her soon lifted a weight off my chest, and suddenly I felt the hunger of the day sneaking up on me, I changed my order, getting just a burger, and told her to bring the shakes when she came out. She agreed and left me alone in my seat.
It wasn't ten minutes later and she was placing the burger in front of me, and I ate slowly, mostly just picking, it shamefully took me twenty minutes to get through half of it, before I gave up, deciding I was no longer hungry, but in fact just anxious again since she walked away from me. Christ, what she does to me.
I fiddled with my hands, played games on my phone, even scrolled through facebook, which I didn't do often while I waited for her. And after what seemed like forever, she placed the shakes down on the table and sat across from me. A huge knot formed in my stomach and my breath was knocked away.
She stared at me expectantly, but I said nothing. After a long silence, she spoke up.
"Thanks for the milkshake," She said, my heart sped up and I simply nodded. "What is it you want to talk about?"
I shut my eyes, and took a deep breath through my nose before looking up at her once more. I drummed my fingers nervously against the table, unsure of where to begin. Come on, Edward. Just bite the bullet already.
"I figured something out last night after I went home," I spoke slowly, testing the waters, like I was afraid I'd frighten her off.
She nodded once.
"There seems to be a bit of a misunderstanding." I say, looking away from her. A fucked up misunderstanding, my chest constricted.
"And what would that be?" She questioned, her tone icy.
"Do you doubt my love for you?" I asked suddenly, looking back at her. She didn't flinch, she stared back at me.
"Honestly? No, I don't believe you could be who you are with me and not love me. I don't believe it's possible." She admitted, my shoulders relaxed. At least I have that much.
"So do you just not love me?" I asked, frightened to hear the answer.
"According to you, I don't." She said bitterly, causing me to flinch.
"Do you?" I asked again.
"Of course I do, you idiot." she narrowed her eyes at me, crossing her arms over her chest. I narrowed mine right back at her.
"So why couldn't you just talk to me last night?" I asked, shifting forward in my seat, "If you had told me the reason you were breaking up with me, I could have fought for you, we could have saved ourselves this pain. I can't take this pain, Bella."
"Why do you think I broke up with you, Edward?" She was growing increasingly more agitated, but I wasn't going to give up that easy.
"I had thought that you were just jealous that Kate had been alone with me in a hotel so far away, I rationalized it, I thought I'd get jealous if you were in a hotel alone with Emmett or Jasper and I was far away, hell, I got jealous of Newton while I was in Florida." I took a brief pause, and she looked confused, "but last night it clicked in my head, Kate had been so mechanic about the way she spoke to me, it was like she was reading from a script, and I realized she had been lying to me. I thought about how I apologized to you, and how you would have taken that, and then I thought about how you said it was the one thing you couldn't forgive me for, and like a puzzle, it clicked in my head."
"What are you getting at?" She was frowning now, and I knew she was afraid I'd hurt her more.
"I called Kate, and I tricked her, telling her you had told me what she really said and she had to come clean, so she did, she told me every bullshit lie she told you that day over video chat." Please see what I'm trying to say.
"Bella, I wouldn't cheat on you, no matter who it was with, I was never romantically involved with Kate." I swear to you, Bella, please just fucking take me back!
"Then why would she say it?" She shot back at me.
"Because she is in love with me and wanted to sabotage our relationship." Please believe me.
"That sounds like something a dumb jock would say in a highschool movie, as a lie to get the head cheerleader back." She accused.
"But it's true," I hesitated for a minute, looking away, and then back at her.
"How could I possibly begin to believe you? It's your word against hers." She wasn't going to believe me without hearing the evidence herself.
"When I confronted her last night, I recorded the whole thing if you'd like to hear it. It's on my camera, on my nightstand." She was shaking her head before I could finish.
"I don't know what to think right now, okay?" her eyes were full of tears, and I forced myself to swallow back a lump. "There is so many thought's going through my head, Edward. I want to believe you, I do."
I nod, and lean forward, taking her hand in mine. "If you need to hear the recording, I'll show you. If you need time, I'll give it to you. If you need me to leave you alone and never speak to you again, it will suck, but I'll do it, because I love you more than I've ever loved another soul on this earth. Whatever you need, I swear to you Bella it's yours." What I said was true, I would have her any way she would let me, and if she didn't want me at all, well, if it made her happy I'd do it. That's all I want, just for her to be happy.
"Can I just, think for a little bit, please?" Her voice broke at the end, "Just give me time, I need to mull all this over and figure out what my heart is saying, figure out if I can trust you, I need time, because right now I'm ready to throw caution to the wind and just take you back, but I don't want that. I don't want to take you back on instinct, because I can't get my hopes up just to lose you again, I need to walk away, go think, and work this out for myself."
"Whatever you need, okay? Just let me know if you'd like to meet again when you're ready, and I'll drop whatever I'm doing and run." She stood, and I followed suit, towering over her, for some reason she looked smaller today, it killed me how broken she was. "Just know that I love you, alright? No matter what you decide."
She nodded, "Goodbye." She said, and quickly, she rushed away from me, leaving me standing at the table. I watched her the entire time right up to when she had gotten in her truck. I had been sure to pay the bill when Bella was working, so that she would get her tip, so there was nothing holding me there. I grabbed my jacket and headed for the door, I was sad, of course, because she didn't say yes. However, I was hopeful, because she also didn't say no.
She was thinking, and that's the best I could hope for.
Now I just had to play the waiting game.