Not proof read
Once we got back it was chaos deciding who got the shower first. Hunter and Alex had a little tiff for the inside shower like idiots, but I was fine standing outside.
The sky was greying however, accompanied by a cold breeze that made me shiver.
Nate came outside just in his boxers which I didn't appreciate, but he said that 'we're all bros here' when I gave him a look.
I'm pretty sure he knows it's more complicated than that!
I just ignored him and stared off into the distance.
Pretty view...
"Are you going to get changed now? I can wait downstairs if you want but personally I don't mind getting changed in the same room." Nate's voice caught my attention and I looked to see him running his hands through his hair under the water stream.
I quirked a brow at him and smirked.
"No, that's inappropriate." I stated and he chuckled.
"Is it? We're just step brothers after all." He teased and I narrowed my eyes at him.
What is your game?
I sat down at the pool's edge. "I'll wait here, you can get changed. It's probably cold in just your underwear."
"Hm, fine."
"Nate, what are you doing?" Aaron asked him as he turned the corner with Hunter next to him.
"What? I'm just in my boxers, used to do it all the time as a kid."
"Yes well you're not a kid anymore and you have company so please go get changed." He furrowed his eyebrows at him and I clicked my tongue as I turned away pretending not to be aware of the conversation.
Awkward...
"Company? Just because he's not related to us by blood doesn't mean he doesn't count as a brother, don't be so cold Aaron." Nate tutted and Aaron furrowed his brows as I rolled my eyes.
"That's not the problem here now is it, you're outside for one, and this isn't our house."
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to offend the house."
"Uh huh."
"Um anyway I want to go down into town again and I managed to convince Aaron to come so let's go, like right now." Hunter dragged Aaron by his arm and shoved Nate towards the house.
"Are you coming?" Nate asked me and I frowned.
"Um, no thanks, I think I'll stay here..."
"What's wrong? If you're not feeling well then I can-" Aaron started to say but Hunter interrupted him.
"No no no, you're not changing your mind because your precious puppy isn't coming with us now let's go." He huffed and Aaron frowned.
"That is not the reaso-"
"GO!!"
I chuckled to myself before staring down at the water as they all shuffled around inside.
I sighed before gently poking at the fresh blood on my arm from the cut that had started bleeding again from getting wet.
I'm so tired...
-
After eventually going inside I found out that even Caleb had gone into town, leaving the house empty.
No idea how they all have so much energy.
I couldn't muster the energy to do anything but sit on the sofa.
The room felt cold and uninviting, despite the fact I was wearing a comfy jumper and tracksuit bottoms.
I sighed and bit my lip in the silence.
Maybe it wasn't such a good idea to stay alone...
Hm...
I grabbed my phone from the coffee table and flicked through mine and Erin's messages. I've been so distant from him recently...
Well, more than being in different countries would excuse I mean.
How's it going bitch
I typed into the messages and smirked to myself.
A few seconds later I was receiving a phone call and I blinked at the screen in panic.
Uh....
Ugh, fine.
I accepted the call and jumped at his voice.
"Ah haha! I caught you, no excuses this time." He chirped happily.
"What? I don't make excuses."
"'I was sleeping.' 'I was eating' 'I'm on a walk'. Pfft, I'm beginning to think you are avoiding me." He rambled and I smiled.
"You seem... energetic."
"Yeah and you don't, what's wrong?"
"What? Nothing."
"Lies, you seem different, even your texts feel like they're from a different person most of the time. So blunt...and, tired? Like that's my job to be blunt and tired, come on. No swapsies."
"I'm sorry, I try, it's just...I do feel tired...low energy. I haven't been sleeping the best recently..." I sighed. "How's it going for you?"
"Yeah later, what sort of tired? Like want's to nap kinda tired? Or ran a marathon kinda tired?"
"What? Why does that matter?"
"Just wondering, answer bitch."
"Um, I guess, it's more like I'd rather be sleeping all the time."
"No motivation?"
"I think that is a side effect of lack of sleep..."
"Is it though?"
"Uh, YES?"
"I don't know man, you seem to be having a lot of the side effects my doctor listed of something I was likely to get during my cancer treatment..."
"What?"
"You know, like depression or something."
I snorted. "Fuck off bitch I don't have depression."
"I mean..." He said seriously and I chuckled.
"That's like, insulting."
"What? To you?"
"No, to people who actually have depression. Someone like me wouldn't have depression."
"What? Depression is an illness Riley, doesn't matter what kind of life you have, you can get it either way."
I sighed heavily.
"No Erin, I'm just... I'm just going through something right now I..." I gulped. "I don't really want to talk about it..."
"Why, what happened? You're keeping something from me aren't you? I'm not stupid."
"Erin, I really appreciate you worrying about me and trying to help. But there isn't much you can do, I'm fine."
"We'll... if you say so..."
"So, you?"
"Me?"
"How are you, I asked you once already."
"Oh, right, I'm great, really good." He said with a chuckle and I smiled.
"Really? Tell me more."
"Wellll. Oh, I am going back to school, I feel fine enough, of course I have to wait five years before I'm officially cleared of it...but maybe after this transplant settles I'll be cancer free..."
"Seriously?? Wait, settles? As in you've already had one?"
"Yeah..."
"Seriously? You had a fucking kidney transplant and I didn't even know?"
"Well... it's not like something you can tell someone over text."
"Fine, is it okay so far?"
"So far...it's looking good."
I sighed with a relieved smile.
"That's great fucking news."
He chuckled. "Why are you swearing so much."
"No idea, I'm just happy, my hard work paid off."
"You're hard work?" He laughed. "I thought you said it was easy."
"Still effort."
"Yeah, well I hope your scenic trekking through England isn't too much work for you."
"Hmm, I don't know, think I need a pay raise."
"Speaking of which, we need to sort out about me paying you back."
"What?" I snorted. " You're not paying me back."
"That was a lot of money to just give someone."
"Bitch just keep it. I gave it to you to keep, I'm not changing my mind."
"Well, it's not purely your money in the first place, what about your father doesn't he want it back?"
"That bitch can pry it from my cold, dead hands, I earned that shit okay."
"Mhm, really."
"Yes, putting up with his posh British arse for a week, I was being underpaid to be honest." I said jokingly, but my heart rate was really starting to rise.
"Riley, you're a posh British ass."
"Bitch! Fine, maybe a little."
He chuckled. "No not a little Riley both your parents are British."
"Actually, my dad's dad was polish."
"Great, that makes you significantly less British." He said sarcastically. "You know my grandad is Irish." He said.
"Fuck, not you too."
"What?"
"Americans all seem to be part Irish." I chuckled and took a larger breath in.
"Well it's not like my ancestors are from here is it."
"Good point, uh, looks like I need to go, talk to you later?" I bit my lip.
"...sure."
I quickly hung up before standing and walking out of the room.
Fuck, breathe.
I bent over and concentrated on catching my breath as I stared at the floor.
Every single time I talk to Erin, I always manage to freak myself out.
"Fucks sake.."
I gently paced up and down the larger room, concentrating on the feel of the cold tiles on my bare feet.
If you have a pathetic panic attack again I'm going to... damnit fuck, bitch.
I shook my head before pacing faster.
Don't think, just walk, the tension in your chest goes away if you just mindlessly walk...
Keep on walking....
Still walking... like you've lost a few marbles..
Okay I have probably been pacing a bit too long now...
No I'm not ready to stop.
"Riley what the hell are you doing?" Hunter's voice wondered and I froze, looking back to see they were all stood there watching me.
"What? When did you get there?" I frowned, gritting my teeth as the presence of people just made the tension stronger.
"What are you doing?" Aaron just asked in a low voice with a frown.
"... Exercising..." I said, realising I was still doing it. "Pent up energy you know, think I'm going to go on a walk." I said awkwardly before trying to push past him.
"Ha, no you aren't." He said seriously as he stuck his arm out in my way.
This bitch...
I'm seriously going to, please just not again, fuck.
"I think he's got a few screws loose." Nate joked and Aaron glared at him.
"Stop taking it so seriously I was just pacing, people do that all the time.
"You're pacing because we left you alone?"
"What? No, I don't think so. I was... talking to Erin, it brought up some bad memories..." I trailed off, then shook my head when I began thinking of uncomfortable things. "Uh, I need to go."
"Where?" Nate just raised his brows in concerned amusement.
"Somewhere...else, sorry, I'm busy."
"Doing what?!" He asked incredulously and they all shared a few looks.
God fucking damnit they're making it harder than it already is.
"I'm trying to concentrate." I answered and closed my eyes tightly.
I quickly decided to go cool off in the backyard but Aaron grabbed my arm as I tried to turn away.
"Maybe you all should go get some dinner..." Aaron trailed off with a frown while staring at me.
"What? Leave?" Hunter complained. "Not while he's having some kind of psycho episode."
I chuckled breathlessly. "I'm not, I'm just having a little, freak out, you know, trying to stop..."
"A panic attack? You're trying to stop a panic attack?"
"I can do it okay." I paused. "I'm not having another one, okay." I said in determination and Aaron just gave this heavy, disappointed sigh.
"Look, Riley, your pride is going to be the death of you. It's nothing to be ashamed of, the quicker you let it go the quicker it will be gone, understand?"
"I'm fine at the moment though." I insisted and Alex fake chuckled.
"Yeah, sure, fine. Totally fine!"
"Ugh fuck off." I gave him a look and he tilted his head at me.
"Uncalled for, bitch."
"RIGHT, okay, Alex, you lot, please just go." Aaron got in-between us and pushed Alex back.
"What the hell? It was obviously him who was the aggressor this time."
"Maybe but it was your response that proves that despite going through similar attacks in the past you are still insensitive to how he feels and are only thinking about yourself or what's amusing to you." He spat.
"What the hell are you on about, you're so fucking blinded and biased honestly, get over him."
Here we go.
"This again? It's not me who needs to get over someone now is it." Aaron retorted. "Every single time you're losing an argument you bring this up."
"Guys...is this necessary?" I frowned as I began to feel a bit light headed.
"I'm noticing some tension between you guys, did something happen?" Nate wondered as he looked between them both.
"Look can we discuss this later?" Aaron huffed but I could barely hear him over the sound of my own heartbeat.
"No stop avoiding the problem!"
Um.
I slipped my arm out of Aaron's grip while he was busy arguing heatedly with Alex and turned around.
Feeling a bit hot...fresh air definitely needed.
"Riley, you're looking a bit pale." Caleb worried as he approached me and I shook the dots out of my eyes.
"No it's fine, you guys just carry on, I'm just going to... fucking pass out." I joked but that wasn't off the table at the moment.
"You should probably breath, you know."
"Oh, that's what I'm forgetting, oops."
"You should sit down." He said quietly and I looked down at the floor to see it moving around.
"Um, moving doesn't seem like a good idea at the moment."
"You've really worked yourself up haven't you..."
"Sorry, it's a problem, I'm dramatic."
I stood up straight and tried to breathe in.
Ah, shit.
"Aaron..." I mumbled slightly as I began to feel like I was floating.
"Shit!" He cursed as he turned round just in time to grab onto my arm and stop me hitting the floor as I fainted.
-
I woke up to mostly silence, which confused me a lot. Am I dead?
I huffed slightly before looking around and taking a few moments to realise I was on the sofa, with Nate sitting on his phone opposite and Aaron perched on the coffee table next to me with his head in his hands.
"Shit, did I actually pass out?" I frowned as I sat up slightly.
"Yeah, for like half an hour." Nate answered without looking up from his phone. "Aaron nearly called an ambulance."
"Are you feeling okay?" Aaron worried as he touched the side of my head.
"I'm fine, are you? You look kind of sick."
"I'm so sorry, I shouldn't have been arguing with Alex, I just got caught up in it. I just made it worse." He confessed and I smiled at him.
"I think I was doing a find job of working myself up anyway without you there, it wouldn't have made a difference."
"Jesus, Riley, you can't do that, it's damaging, you can't work yourself up like that. I mean your pulse was through the roof."
"I'm sorry, I was a bit freaked."
"Freaked? I thought you were possessed." Nate commented.
"Nate." Aaron snapped and he looked up at him.
"I did!"
"Right well I'm calling Luca okay, and we'll see what we can do about these panic attacks." Aaron stated and I frowned.
"Please don't..."
"Don't be stubborn, you need to ask for help when you need it, even if you're not getting along with them."
"'Not getting along' isn't exactly how I'd put it."
"That won't matter in the long run, your health is more important."
"Do I look unhealthy to you?"
"Yeah."
"Wait what, really?"
"Nah I think he's just naturally that pale." Nate stated and Aaron ignored him.
"You look tired, and you definitely don't act normal that's for sure."
"Define acting 'normal'."
"Not pacing while mumbling incoherently and passing out?" Nate commented.
"I wasn't mumbling incoherently, I made sense to me."
"Right..."
"Well anyway, Erin's gotten better, so everything is good." I smiled and Aaron returned it warmly.
"That's great, he's a good kid." He said before standing up. "I bought some calming medicine when I was in town, I'll make you some in some coffee." He explained as he walked out.
"It's a sedative." Nate stated.
"It's herbal." Aaron grumbled back at him.
"Still a sedative!" He snorted.
"Yes and it's used for people with insomnia, hence why I got it." He replied and Nate rolled his eyes.
"Sure, still creepy."
Ugh, I feel like I could sleep forever right now. Yet sleep is so hard to get. Why is my brain doing this to me...
I sighed before watching Nate type on his phone. He didn't seem to be regarding me any different. But I know the more I burden them and the more weak I act the less likely they are to want to keep me around. And in this state, I wouldn't survive on my own.
I truly wish I could just battle through this with sheer determination, but it just won't work that way. The harder I try to suppress my feelings, the more dangerously they effect me...
I need to find a way to heal before I take things too far. For my and the other's sake.
---
Yet another struggle chapter for Riley, but he's slowly starting to understand what he needs to do, at least.
Sorry for the lack of updates, I've just felt so demotivated by the way people react to ships they don't like. I certainly signed up for that of course, but when my ship comes under fire I get a little put off lol
But, I realize that it's better to have a book where your main ship doesn't sail than not have a book at all, so I'm writing again