A/N: Not my best chapter, sorry but I've been MIA for a little over two months now, I'm sorry guys. Enjoy.
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Stars Dance
Chapter 65
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Adam's Point of View
IT WAS FRIDAY and while I wasn't due at my dad's office today I managed to find myself here either way. It had been a day since Jackie was gone and I felt like I was going mad. I would wake up in better spirits knowing I got to see her everyday, when she smiled at me as she approached me down the halls of this campus. In confidence and model exterior to outsiders.
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Now I just feel so empty inside, I lost her and I wasn't sure when she was going to comeback. If she was, I knew she would return along with Zayn and who knows how long that would be. It didn't take long for the guys at the frat to start picking on me, because I guess since everyone knew Jackie blew me off in front of the sorority house, now everyone on campus knew.
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I walked in through the double doors, of the skyscraper building, I gave a slight nod to the receptionist somewhat hinting at the fact that it was me. "Mr. McNamara, your father in a meeting right now." She said. I almost didn't listen because my father was a Malik, and for some strange reason I expected her to say Malik.
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"That's fine I can wait." I told her and headed towards the elevators. She said nothing else allowing me to continue, my path towards the highest floor of the building.
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Once stepping in and pressing the floor number, the elevator door opened on the designated floor. I walked out and headed down the hall. The couldn't wait, whoever my dad was having a meeting with. I believed this was more I important.
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I twisted the door knob open and I walked in. "Dad I need to talk to you." I said.
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His eyes widen, to my surprise he wasn't in meeting he was on the phone in a meeting. "Uhm my secretary will be in touch, yes thank you." He nodded his head. "My pleasure." He said before hanging up the desk phone in the slot next to keypad. "Hello son is something wrong?" He said.
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I shut the door behind me and I walked over to sit down in one of the office chairs he had in front of his desk. Bringing the strap of my satchel from my shoulder over my head and setting it in the seat beside him. "I need you to take me to Bradford." I didn't waist any time beating around the bush.
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His eyes widen. "Bradford?" He questioned.
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"Yes." I nodded my head. "I can't-...I wait days or even weeks on end wondering when she'll come back, I need to see her." I beg. "Please."
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My dad leaned back into his office chair letting out a sigh. "Adam I know desperation is killing you but you have to give her some time." He explains. "She needs time and space." He explains.
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"Time and space is only going to make her realize that I was an asshole to her and I don't deserve her, because I was such a fucking dickhead and maybe she decides she doesn't want to be with me." I explain to him in a ramble. "The thing is I'm too selfish to let her go ok? I love her and I would've lost the best thing that happened to mad by letting her slipping through my fingers."
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"I've known Jaqueline since she and Zayn became friends." He explains. "She's had rough life, and she's always given more of herself to please people than taking time to herself. She needs this son, but I don't doubt for a second that she doesn't love you and much as you love her." He explains.
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"How do you love a girl who doesn't think she's good enough for you, when you think she's the most perfect thing in the world?" I speak my thoughts out loud.
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Selena's Point of View
It was Friday and I was preparing a small duffle bag, to take with me this weekend to Bradford. Levi said that Zayn's house was small and if I had no problem with it he offered to give me a room of my own in his house so that I didn't have to pay for a hotel room. I didn't want to impose on either sides with Zayn and his mother and sisters. I also didn't want Levi's mother to feel like I was leeching onto her son's generosity. I also didn't want to pay for a hotel room. After some long critical thinking I decided to take Levi up on his offer.
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I didn't know how I was going to act or even what to say when I showed up in Bradford. Should I just surprise him? What if I did and he didn't want to see me? Zayn and I had been apart for so long and I still didn't have the will to talk to him over the phone. I had gone back to the intimidating nature that first surrounded me with I met Zayn for the first time.
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I felt like a shy middle school girl who was afraid to talk to her crush for the first time. That's what Zayn made me feel. Even when we were together, he had a mysterious attribute to him aside from what he was hiding from me. It was just who he was and sometimes I never knew what he was thinking.
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As much as I didn't want to, I knew that I did. I needed to talk to him before coming to Bradford to see him. I debated whether I should tell him I was going and just talk to him about us, to get a feeling of where he was mentally about us. Then that would give me the option to tell him that I was going to Bradford or not. Thinking back about the first time he invited me to come to Bradford with him, I wanted to believe that the offer still stood.
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I let the duffle bag on Jackie's bed, while I grabbed my cellphone and immediately went to my contact favorites. I put his name next to a red heart. I smiled and I clicked his name immediately sending me to line, which it kept on ringing. I was nervous, my leg shook onto top of the other and my breathing deepened. If this was any one else I couldn't bring myself to do what I am doing now. However, I loved him and I have never felt this way about any one the way the I felt for Zayn.
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"Hello?" He said. I opened my mouth to say something but nothing would come out, I was frozen. His voice was on the other end, and if I didn't say anything he would have hung up and I would've lost my chance. I don't think I could bring myself to call again. I was a nervous mess. "Selena." He trailed off.
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"Zayn..." I nearly choked on his own name. "Zayn hi." I said breathlessly. I felt like a damn school girl, my cheeks were getting flushed and hot. "Listen I-...I don't know-...I don't know why I called. I mean I know why I called but I just-...I understand if you don't want to speak to me, I get if you want your space and I respect that too, but I-...I just..." I palmed thy forehead in embarrassment, I wanted to dig a hole and throw myself in it out of embarrassment.
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"Slow down baby." He said and my heart nearly felt out of my chest. "It's alright, I just didn't expect you to ever call me, not after I basically screamed at you to leave me alone." He admits.
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"And you had every right too, the timing wasn't right. I was afraid that you were going to actual prison and maybe I was too clingy in the moment-..." I began to explain.
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"That doesn't justify it though, and I am sorry." He says. "Why did you call me? I know I don't deserve it." He admitted.
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"I needed...I needed to hear your voice." I admit holding my thumb to my lips. "Believe it or not, broken up and all, I miss you." I admit.
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"Baby, I've been gone nearly a day." He chuckles.
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"No Zayn, like I actually miss you. I really fucking miss you because at least when you were here, you were around." I explained.
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"What's changed now? Even when I was around you didn't want to listen to anything I had to say." He shoots. "I don't blame you either, I should've told you everything from the beginning when we first met, even if you didn't believe me. You at least deserved to know." He explains.
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"I know, and I forgive you." I say though the line.
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"This is more to me than just being forgiven." He explains. "I've spent years running from my problems, I can't be that man for you Selena." He says. I frown. What did he mean by that? "I can't move forward knowing I hurt you like this, you can't love me Selena." He said. "I don't deserve it."
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Adam's Point of View
I sat there listening to my father advise me that I should stay in London instead and give Jackie the space and time she needs. However, the more I tried to focus on myself the more she seeped into my mind. I wondered what she was doing? Was she crying? Was she happy? Had she moved on? Maybe she found someone else, and forgot about me? If my dad refused to drive me to Bradford, I would find my way there on my own. Against my dads judgement. I wasn't going to loose Jackie over some stupid and petty fight that I had clearly started and should have left it at that when she told me Her and Zayn were nothing more than friends.
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Deep down I knew that it was the jealousy that I had for my own half brother. Zayn was literally Jackie's other half and he and she had spent more years together in the time I have come to know her. They knew everything about each other and Jackie confided in Zayn in a way I wished she had with me. Maybe I rushed it and she was beginning to trust me fully the way I did her in such a sort amount of time. Zayn had a unique and close friendship with Jackie, and I would be lying if I wasn't jealous of the way he had her full attention. In the way I wish I had hers.
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My father sighs. "When Jacqueline was eighteen, her parent's died tragically." He explained.
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I nod. "I know, she told me." I say. "So why won't you help me this time dad?" I plea.
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"Because Jackie will not be able to return that love that you so long from her, unless she takes this time for herself. She needs this, the needs that space and that time, because if not you will be suffocating her. Then she will run." He explains. "You don't want that do you?" He questions.
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"Well no I don't." I admitted. That was the last thing I wanted Jackie to do.
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"You need to learn how to be patient with her and no persistent, because of the outside Jackie has a tough exterior, but on the inside she's fragile and she's only doing this to save herself before she too caves." He explains. "Besides Jackie is smart and bright girl, I know what she is capable of and I need her to get through this and for you to back away son. I have helped her grief, I have helped put her through school and while she doesn't owe me a dime, because I did this from the purest intention of my heart. She will feel like she's let me down. I know her. Too well." He explains. "She's hard on herself, she's always been."
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"Then I guess I am selfish dad." I admit my feelings out loud. "I'm selfish for wanting to be the one to comfort her when she cries, I am selfish to be the one to calm her down when she's upset, I'm selfish for wanting to be the only make her happy when she's sad, but I can't help it." I admit. "Because I love her." I explain. "I have to apologize to her, to at least let her know that I take everything I said back, I regret what I said to her and I will continue to apologize to her for the rest of my damn life, if it means she'll stay with me." I confess. "I already have to share her with Zayn, and I have come to terms with the fact that they will be stuck like glue for the rest of their lives...but I wouldn't be able to stand the thought of loosing her, and have some other man, become the reason she smiles, I can't." I stand up from the chair in front of his desk. "So if you don't help me get to Bradford, I will find my way there, on my own."
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"Alright, alright." He stands up from behind his desk. "I will take you." He finally agrees. "However, you will be responsible for your own actions and the consequences that follow with her." He explains.
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"Fine." I agree. "It's a risk I am willing to take."
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Selena's Point of View
Zayn's words scared me, I didn't want my mind to go there. Was he saying he was done with me? That the guilt of his lies, were too much for him to handle and he was letting me go? My heart was beating rapidly because anything he said afterwards, could very well mean the end for him and I. Zayn had fallen out of love with me in the few weeks we had been apart?
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Zayn held a reputation in Bradford which was one of the reasons his mom called his father and made him live in London with no escape. What if he had reconnection with an old flame? While I hadn't seen Lucy in awhile, he would be crazy to go back to her after everything they have been through. It couldn't be her, it had to be someone else. Zayn no longer loved me.
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"You don't love me anymore?" I questioned him in a whisper. "You're done with me?" I wanted to cry.
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"Selena I can't let you love someone like me." He explained. "I am a broken home with a fucked up life, and I am not worthy of you loving me and I think we both know that." He explains. "Loving me is toxic and you're crazy for wanting to be ok in doing so."
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"So that's it you're just going to give up on us and go our separate ways? Act like nothing between us was real?" I question.
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"From the moment I laid my eyes on you I knew that you were way out of my league." He admits. "At that point I would have said anything to make you stay with me because I couldn't let you walk away in the arms of someone like Adam or Ethan. I brought you into my world and ruined you so you wouldn't walk away from me because I was too selfish to let you go, you are the only sane thing in my life that kept me moving forward." He admits. "Now here we are, and you're willing to forgive me for everything I've done to you? Selena deep down you know it's not right." He says. "I'm suppose to be the fucked up one here not you."
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"You're ingrained in every part of me how am I suppose to just forget you?" I say and I realize I'm crying touching on my tears running down my cheeks as I wipe them away. "I was crying because I couldn't believe what you had done and now I'm crying because I don't want you to leave me, please don't leave me." I beg. "I love you."
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"I'm not a good guy." He says. "I will only hurt you more, stop saving someone who can't be. Selena I can't be saved, and it isn't fair that you have to stop living your life to help me live mine. It isn't fair."
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"I think about you all the time." I whisper. "I don't see myself with anyone else but you." I admit.. "Do you actually see me with anyone else that isn't you?"
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His voice hitched for a second before he cleared his throat. "I think you should just forget me."
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"I can't I-...." I began pleading through the phone.
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"Bye Selena." He said before the line went dead.
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Zayn's Point of View
I couldn't answer Selena's question about seeing her with someone else. I could've lied and said yes but the truth is I couldn't bring myself too. I wanted to tell her all these things but I couldn't bring myself to either. I done lots of emotional damage and I am not worthy of someone like her. It is crazy that even after everything I put her through, I still can't wrap my head around the fact that she finds a will in her heart to put everything behind her and forgive me. It's not right, and it's crazy that she even wants too. I don't deserve her, I never did.
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Crossing paths with her that New Year's Day was a mistake, but the more I saw her and interacted with her due to the essay we were assigned to do together. The more I was falling in love with her, she didn't know it. At the time I couldn't bring myself to become so secluded and vulnerable around her just yet. In this situation and in this moment I don't think there is a way to redeem myself. I would be lying about becoming a better person overnight, because I needed work as a person I need to grow. I love her, but I can't love her like this, and she can't love a person like me.
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"You've gone mad." I hear Jackie's emerge throughout my room as she walks in with a towel wrapped around her and she fluffs her hair with another towel. "You can't possibly be telling me you're just going to let her go?" She says sitting at the edge of the bed as I sit near in a chair near the windowsill.
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I pinch the bridge of my nose and sigh. "Jackie I don't have any other choice:" I admit to her lifting my shoulders.
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"You sound fucking crazy right now, that's not the Zayn I know." She clicks her teeth and stands up to put her luggage on the bed opening it up.
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"Then what Zayn do you know?" I question her as she's pulls out clothes from her luggage.
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She stops for a second putting her hands on her hips, pushing the towel against her hips to make out her figure. Her jet black hair dripping on her shoulder creating droplets. "The Zayn I know would fight for her, not to sound corny but you'd just let her go? Walk off, and close the chapter right there?"
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"Yeah Jaqueline but I don't want to be that guy anymore? Alright? I did that with Lucy and look where we are now? I don't want her to feel like I'm smothering her, I want to give her space...enough for she can think on her own and if being with me is what she really wants." I admitted.
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"So if this space thing works or whatever." She rolls her eyes, putting her undergarments and bra on from under her towel before letting it drop and pool her feel. "What if you come back on campus and let's say...she's moved on with Chris out of all people." She sets an example.
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"I will kill him." I say without hesitation, nothing would make me angrier than some shut like that happening.
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"Exactly." She says pulling her jeans up her legs.
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"No but I just don't feel like she'd do something like that? Fall out of love with me and date Chris? Seems unlikely." I admit. "Besides she knows his and I's history. She wouldn't do that, no." I nod my head side to side trying to talk myself in denial.
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"I'm not giving up until I change your mind somehow." She says pulling her shirt down her head. "Before we left I promised Selena I would talk to you." She admits.
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My eyes widen. "Wait what do you mean?" I question.
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She sighs sitting at the edge of the bed facing me. "The day we left to Bradford I walked into the dorm, to find Selena crying...the point is Zayn you weren't there alright?" Jackie grows frustrated. "You weren't there all those weeks and nights of her just sobbing over you, you really fucking broke her. Behind closed doors she was a crying mess but outside of it you'd look at her and she'd seem fine." Jackie confessed. "She's strong, Zayn." Jackie smiles.
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"I didn't fucking willingly sleep with Lucy, alright?" I admit. "But she managed somehow, I blacked out-....I don't fucking remember a thing that happened, all I remember is waking up next to her with you, Selena and Levi all staring back at me." I admit. "Now she's saying she's pregnant with my kid again..." I trail off.
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Jackie's eye widen. "She's what?" She exclaims.
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