'I can't make you love me
If you don't.
You can't make your heart feel
Something it won't.'
- Bon Iver
Everyone, hello.
I'm pretty stressed now with all my sudden AP work, and I'm so sorry I haven't been publishing lately, I've been sooo busy and distracted and my Wattpad had been being weird, so I think I've got it to work now.
I really hope you enjoy this chapter well maybe you will and maybe you won't... but either way ♥
And wish me luck on my mock exam tomorrow!
Love you all
-cilla
Leaving Charlie's place was harder than I thought, and I had to lie. I didn't even know what to tell him. "I'm just gonna sleep at my house."
He looked confused but shrugged it off. "Well, wish me luck sleeping alone." He joked, giving me a hug.
I hung off him, making him laugh at me. He smelled so good. So much like him. I was about to spend the night with someone else, while in the arms of someone who- for some strange reason- had more of my heart than any other man. Other than my father, of course.
But Andy loved me.
"Good luck." I said, looking up at him and having him peck my lips, then I left to Andy's.
"Come on in." He said when opening the door for me.
I entered and made myself comfortable, having him join me. We talked. We seemed to talk a lot. We talked more than Charlie and I did, but he was stubborn, so it made sense of the trouble having him opening up to me. That's why it meant so much when he did.
Andy and I talked about my dad, and I told him about the letters. I told him how my father should be here soon and he smiled widely. "Could I meet him?"
Dammit, Charlie asked the same thing.
What was I even supposed to tell him? Nah, sorry the other guy I'm sleeping with already asked and I told him yes, so. "I'm not sure." I said quietly.
He looked at me in confusion, "Why not?"
"Well, I don't know-"
"Is it the age difference?"
I'm such a fucked up person. "Yes."
"Oh." His face looked a little in concern, but it vanished. "Well, maybe someday then."
I nodded in agreement. There was nothing more I hated than lying to them. Actually- there was. Myself. I hated myself more than lying to them, that was for sure.
He took out his Xbox in excitement and waved me over. It was one of the most adorable things I've witnessed, him acting like a teenage boy. "Are you serious?" I laughed and he put in a disk and turned on a controller.
"Skyrim." He grinned.
I rolled my eyes at his character, "Really? A nord?"
He raised an impressed eyebrow at me. "How do you know about this game?"
"Andy, I have three older brothers, there isn't much hidden from me about video games."
"Hm." He said curiously, but continued on with it, soon driving me crazy at how he fought.
"Your light armor is crap, Andy, use your next perk to strengthen it."
He rolled his eyes at me and continued on.
"Why do you still have Lydia? She just gets in the way."
He seemed so amused he paused the game and looked at me. "Would you like to play?" He asked with a hint of sarcasm.
I grinned, "Yes, I would."
He looked impressed- but in an amused way- and handed me the controller, having me play for him.
It took me a while to get used to his character, but eventually I got the hang of it. The entire three hours of me playing, I slayed five dragons, killed seven vampires, cleared out two whole Forsworn camps, and levelled up for him eight times. He looked at me in amazement, and let's just say that after, he made sure to spend the rest of the night keeping me up.
"Diana Apollo, I saw a new side of you last night." He told me the next morning when I layed with him, knowing I needed to go home to get ready for school.
I smiled at him, both of us on our sides with our alarms going off. "Same for you, Andy Carl." It didn't sound as odd when saying his full name- especially since it was all you really heard from people who didn't know him at all. After all... He is a celebrity. I kept forgetting that.
But remembering innocent-teenage-boy-Andy made my heart flutter again. When he got out his videogame, when he gave me that excited smile. It was priceless, and adorable.
"Well, you've gotta get ready for school." he sighed.
"And you've gotta get ready for work." I said back, and we lingered, eventually finding it in us to get up.
He had me stay an extra thirty minutes and share some cereal, and after I was walking to the door to leave. He walked me out, and before I got to my car he grabbed my waist and pulled me to him, kissing me sweetly. It was so sweet it was unusual. Rare and beautiful, it made me believe I didn't need anyone else but him. When he pulled back to look into my eyes he held my face. "I love you."
I felt my face heat up from his eyes, and I wished I loved only him. "I love you, too." I gave him a kiss before finally hopping into my car and going home.
I stared at myself in the mirror after I showered, the steam like lights beaming onto me. I felt so sad suddenly. What was I doing to myself? To Andy? To Charlie?
"I love you."
Andy didn't deserve any of my bullshit. All this stuff I played him for. I felt like a hoe, and every penny he spent on me broke my heart even more. The necklace was still around my neck, the beautiful delicate chain resting over my collarbones. I felt beautiful with it on, and that made me feel even worse.
"Do you?"
"Do I what?"
"Believe in love?"
"No."
Remembering that conversation hurt even more. He didn't... but Andy... Charlie..
"But if it's just going to be some silly relationship that she doesn't take seriously then you need to consider being with Claire. You don't want to get hurt."
His mother's voice echoed in my head. I didn't want to hurt him, but the closer we got... No.
I had to stop something.
He had someone ready for him, he had Claire. He didn't need me.
Suddenly my heart beat quickened and I felt myself get goosebumps at how I suddenly made a decision. Claire was right for him, and he didn't need me. I was just some... Silly relationship to him. He didn't love me. He couldn't love me.
Oh god.
I was picking Andy.
The dropping of my heart didn't change my painful decision, and I suddenly wanted to throw up. I felt sick thinking about it.
How is he even gonna react??
At school I tried not to look at him, but I did. I met those beautifully warm brown eyes and he winked at me like usual. I winked back, like usual. Soon usual would be gone. And he'd go back to just being Mr. Grant.
All day I thought about it. I was doing the right thing. He couldn't be happy with me, I was just a teenager.
I'd figure out Andy's love for me later.
Claire could give him success, she was a woman, after all.
I couldn't eat lunch. I felt sick with nerves. What was I even supposed to tell him? How would I tell him? Where would I tell him?
His apartment. I told myself I'll do it there. After school.
A numb feeling came over me and I felt so empty. Was I really going to do this?
"We should hang out again soon, the four of us together again." Connor said while me, Erin, and Cole were chilling in the back of Connor's truck during lunch.
"We should." I said, realizing I had neglected them too. My close friends.
"Diana's place?" Cole suggested.
"Cole, let's go to yours." I said.
"We'll take turns!" Erin said happily. "Cole, we'll start at yours, then Diana's, then mine, then Connor's."
"Deal." Connor said as he stuffed his face with chips.
I suddenly felt odd again. With my friends, keeping things from them.
I was keeping things from everyone.
School was coming to an end, Erin was walking me to eigth period. The man I loved was waiting in there, to give me that look he often gave me. So I could say his proper name and see that turned on expression of his. I was really going to miss those lips. And his hands... And his smile, and his laugh. And his tongue...
"Diana?" Erin's voice pulled me out from my painfully hot thoughts.
"Yeah, sorry." I said, waiting at my locker and seeing my seat from where I stood.
"Nevermind, you looked upset for a second. See you later." She said after dropping me off.
Charlie looked up from his computer and locked mischievious eyes with me.
I was gonna miss tutoring.
I was also gonna miss making out on his rolling chair, having him spin me around or drop me on his desk. I'd miss riding in his car with his hand holding onto mine tightly.
I also had to say goodbye to that beautiful garden.
It's for the best.
I payed attention until class ended and he told me he was going home, so I met him there.
My heart was vibrating in my chest and my hands were shaking.
I entered his place and he was on the phone again, seeming to argue with someone. It was about his work- I just knew it. It seemed he was complaining about the board and what they were newly enforcing.
When he got off he let out a deep sigh. "This school can be frustrating sometimes."
"Hm." I said back, not really paying attention and instead lost in my thoughts. How was I gonna say it?
"You're beautiful, you know that?"
"Hm."
"Diana?"
"Hm?"
He snapped his fingers in my face and I jumped, "What's with you?" He asked curiously.
"Nothing." I said too quickly and he gave me a disbelieving look.
"What is it?"
I twisted my hands together and held my breath, trying to relax. "Sit down." I told him, and he looked at me reluctantly, but obeyed.
"What, Diana, you're freaking me out." He said in amusement.
I turned around, facing away from him- and willed myself not to cry.
It worked.
I looked at him, "I can't do this anymore."
Shit, I used a cliché line.
He furrowed his brows, not yet taking me seriously. Not until he read my face and I painfully watched as his face morphed into worry. "What- Diana?"
"I'm sorry." I said quietly, looked at anything but him and clasping my hands together in front of myself.
He suddenly stood up and walked over to me, "What are you talking about?"
"I'm not seeing you anymore, this... this thing we have going on-"
"What?" He asked quickly, taking my face in his hands and turning me to look back at him. "Why?"
I pulled away from him and he took a step closer, making me step back. Then I saw the pain and confusion in his face. That's what hurt me then and there.
Oh god, it was much harder than I thought. "We're... uh-" I cleared my throat as he stared at me with wide eyes. "Not... Not right for eachother-"
"Where the fuck is this coming from?" He demanded in a hard voice that scared me.
You don't love me.
"I've been thinking, you know. Like, how..." I sighed. "How you need someone who is... successful." God that hurt to say. "Like that woman Claire."
"What the fuck are you talking about?" He shouted, suddenly turning angry, and I knew then that I'd have to say it. I had to tell him because if I kept it from him any longer I'd go crazy.
"And Charlie..."
Coward!
Just say it!
"I never stopped seeing Andy."
Silence.
That's what I got from him. The silence hit his eyes and I saw as they morphed into a furious orb of pain. It hurt so bad I felt it, and I hated myself for doing this to him.
"What." He whispered, voice more venomous than a baby snake.
I looked away from him.
"Never?" His menacing voice said, him sounding like he was willing himself to be calm.
I shook my head. Because no, I never stopped seeing him.
"Where were you last night?" He asked quietly and the hurt I heard from him killed me. Why did I do this?
Why did I fall in love with someone I wasn't supposed to have?
Why couldn't he just keep hating me?
At this point, I think he would.
"Where were you last night, Diana?" His suddenly miserbly desperate voice demanded.
I wasn't going to cry, but I wanted to so bad. "No." He suddenly said, backing up and putting both hands through his messy hair. "No, no, no... No, Diana." I looked up and saw he was squeezing his eyes shut tight, then he looked at me. "No, don't do this." He begged.
Oh shit, he's begging.
"It-it's for the best,"
"No, Diana!" He shouted, kicking over the coffee table and having it break. He didn't seem to care, he looked more than livid, he scared me. "You can't do this to me."
I didn't know what to say.
"Do you have sex with him?" He demanded.
I shut my eyes tightly. No, I wasn't going to cry. I was at least doing a good job of that.
I looked at him again, and the look in his eyes looked so... So broken. So sad. "You whore." He yelled, and I didn't deny it. I allowed his words because I felt they were true. I told myself it didn't matter.
Because he and I were done with.
He suddenly covered his face with his hands and I just wanted to get out of there, away from him and home where I could welcome the tears. But until then, I held it in.
"Why?" He shouted. "You're leaving me for him?"
I swallowed the pain. "Yes." I answered quietly. Calmly. "Be with Claire, Charlie."
He shook in fury. "Get out." He demanded.
I felt terrible at how relieved I was to hear him say that, and I walked to the door, before leaving, looking at him. "I'm sorry." I had to say, then I escaped into my jeep and back home, where I realized I forgot to tell him something- but it never mattered anyway.
I love you.