———Aera's
It's been more than a handful of days since our last conversation. I've tried texting him multiple times, but was only ever replied with silence. I can't be mad at him
for this. He'd be downright insane if he doesn't ignore me after how horribly I'd treated him.
But this was dragging on for a lot longer than I'd thought it would. I know distance is necessary. Even if it wasn't, if that's what he wanted, I should do nothing but respect him.
Yet here I am, pacing back and forth, phone tightly in my hand as I thought about different ways to get him to reply to my texts and calls.
I just want to talk.
Sorting things out and having some communication between us is better than this silent distance. I've calmed down, and hopefully he has too. Well, I'm the one that needs to calm down mostly, and him, maybe heal from all the words I'd thrown at him.
I'd figured that he might've been deliberately ignoring me, and me specifically. So a few days back I'd called through the payphone. But there was still no reply from the other side of the line. I suppose important people don't exactly pick up unknown calls either.
It really does scare me, down to my very bones. It's as if I was back to that, that life without him. I could almost believe that he's truly left me.
I haven't seen him in days, he's out of sight and completely unreachable. You never know.
I know he can abandon me if he wants to. He doesn't need me as much as I need him. And if I were to slowly realize he's really gone, he knows I wouldn't dare try to get back in his life either.
I jolt when the phone in my hand vibrates. And I nearly fall to the floor, seeing that it was Jungkook that called.
I pick up immediately.
It does not matter what he tells me, whether if it's words of anger or hate. I just need to hear his voice, to convince myself that he hasn't disappeared like he had three years ago. It doesn't matter what he feels about me. Even if he hates me, despises me, as long as whatever he feels about me is strong enough to keep him coming around.
"Aera?" Is the first thing I hear after picking up. His voice was quiet, soothing, calm. Nothing of the sort that we heard from each other that day.
"Jungkook," I gulp, "I'm really sorry, so sorry about everything. Please just listen to me explain. Let's talk, please."
"I know, and I'm sorry for some of the things I said that day. I didn't mean to be so impulsive, I'm sorry about your plate too." He sighed, but he should know I couldn't care less about the plate, when what shattered was his heart, and mine too when I realized what I'd said.
"Can we please meet up?"
There was a pause between us, until he spoke with an exhale.
"Not anytime soon, Aera."
"What?" I furrow my eyebrows, "Why?"
"I-" He sighs again, "I'm not in the country, Aera. I've been working. I didn't have time to get back to anyone, so I couldn't look at any of your messages either."
That explains it. "How long have you been gone?"
"For about a week now."
"And you didn't think to tell me? At all?"
"We needed space, Aera. I needed space. I just don't think it would've been good either, to hear me talk about leaving the country right after an argument."
I could only nod with a swallow, he's right. I think I would've fallen into panic if I had heard it any earlier. "When will you be back?"
"Heading back tonight, but I will be too busy for anything for a few days after it. We've got a big load of things to sort out after this business trip."
"Okay." I breathe. I know things are awkward between us, but I can't go on without say it. My mouth was itching for it, and if I don't let it out, I'm almost certain that I will explode. "I miss you."
I wait patiently for his response, "I miss you too." He then finally replies. A smile of relief tugs at my lips.
"Have you been eating okay over there? Wherever you are right now."
I go to sit on my bed. Seeing that we couldn't exactly talk about what was between us at the moment, I am only left with these words that express just how much I hated the days without him.
"I'm too busy to look out for myself like that. But I will try to. Have you been taking care of yourself then?" His voice was soft and delicate as he asked, melting me from my very core.
"No," I was honest too, "I couldn't think about anything else. I was just so scared that you'd leave me a second time. And it seemed like you weren't coming back, since it'd be your own decision this time around."
He sounded genuinely surprised, "What?"
"What?" I asked back.
"Do you seriously think i could just leave? I wouldn't just walk away like that. Not from you."
He then chuckles.
"What?" I asked again.
"It's funny. Remember high school?"
How could I not? "Of course."
"I was overly in love with you, swooned. You felt like a goddess, that's what it felt like." It was my turn to laugh. He's exaggerating, it's ridiculous, almost just as ridiculous as the red on my cheeks right now.
"So many years later, it still hasn't changed. You know what else remained the same?"
I wait for him to answer instead.
"Your complete obliviousness to my emotions for you. You still act like I'm one second away from leaving you. When in reality, if there ever was a situation like that, it would be you power-walking out of the place, and me crawling on the floor, literally begging for you to at least look back just once."
He was talking so fast, I grew afraid that he'd run out of breath. It didn't sound like he was breathing much, either.
"I won't leave you, Aera."
Something about those words hit me. Hearing that made me realize just how afraid I am to be alone, to be left alone. Every time someone leaves me, it feels like a string keeping me together was cut, and I lose a little bit of myself every time my string gets shorter. I give so much of myself to the people around me, I'd have nothing left if they decided one day to leave without giving it back.
He was making me cry. Really. I hug my legs, feeling my heart tighten in a way that I couldn't ignore, "You said the same type of shit when we were in high school, Jungkook. You still left."
It's the pain of having your parents abandon you at age sixteen, then your friends and first boyfriend at seventeen, and even to find out at eighteen, that the only person who made everything make sense was going to leave you too.
It feels like the whole world is abandoning you.
"Aera, I'm really sorry about that, I know I broke every promise, and I know I let you down." I'm hiccuping in tears as he says this, hand on my mouth to try to keep it as quiet as I can. Deep down I know none of this is his fault. He shouldn't have to apologize, and yet here he is.
"I will never stop regretting that. Give me the rest of your life, let me make it up to you. Whatever problems, we will solve it together. Let me prove to you, there will not be a day where I leave you a second time."
I don't know what to say. It seemed like anything I say next will completely ruin what we have going on in this phone call. Maybe I'll end up bursting to tears and he'll get annoyed. Maybe I'll say something he hoped not to hear and we'll fight again. So I stay silent, keeping my throat clogged with the lump in it.
"Aera?" He asked after a while. Maybe he thought I wasn't listening.
"Yeah?" My voice cracks.
"Are you crying?"
"No." I turn off my microphone and grab a tissue, blowing my nose finally.
He sighs, and I can only listen as I cried silently into the tissue.
"I know you're crying, Aera. You don't need to turn off the microphone."
I fail to give him a reply as I keep it off. I can't bear the embarrassment.
"I'm sorry."
He shouldn't have to be.
"I'm sorry that my current life is affecting us. I should be hugging you, I should be next to you, yet here I am, hundreds of miles away at a hotel that reeks of unfamiliarity. I'm sorry that I got on that plane without even telling you about it. I should've fixed things between us beforehand. Getting on that plane felt like I was leaving our relationship behind and putting it on hold for something I didn't even love."
I take one last deep breath and then the microphone back on, "No," I replied with a hard swallow, "You have your priorities. You shouldn't be sorry about any of this."
"It should be us, it should be my own life! My job shouldn't be my fucking priority Aera!"
I freeze at the sudden rise of his tone.
"And yet it still is." I gulped harshly, lips pursed.
Hearing the thick swallow from the other side of the line told me I was right.
"Yeah." He exhales quietly.
"How's your mother?" I clear my throat, moving on from this atmosphere.
"Alright, it seems, looking by the last time we met, that is. I do call her sometimes though..I told her about you."
My heart starts beating twice the speed, "What'd she say?" I spoke almost too quickly.
"Nothing too harsh, surprisingly. She didn't seem happy about it, but she didn't sound like she was going to do anything about it."
The mother disliking you is a bad way to start off, but it could be worse, this we both know clearly. Because we've both gone through that.
"That's...not bad." I grin.
"Yeah," He exhales and I know it's one of relief.
"I was actually thinking about the three of us having a dinner together after I came back..after we get 'us' sorted out.."
I purse my lips, humming as I nodded. I always hated the 'meet the parents' part of dating.
"Say," he holds in a breath, "Does Lana know about us? I wouldn't want the sister pulling at my hair."
I chuckle, then it dies down when I start to rethink. "Jungkook, I just had a thought."
"Yeah?"
"You say you barely talk to your mother right? I hate to say that it feels the same with my own sister. And I haven't got much of an excuse. I work at where she lives, for fucks sake."
He was silent, listening attentively.
"It's not your fault, surely, but I've put..so much of myself into thinking about our relationship, I quite literally brushed my own family off like she was dust. She is my family, she's all I got, and lately..I've just been horrible."
"It's nice to hear you reflect, but you've got to remember to go through the part where you forgive yourself as well, alright?"
"I won't forgive myself until I make it up to her. You asked me if she knows about us, or how we've been, and no, she doesn't. She doesn't even know how I've been..or how our relationship as sisters has been...and honestly I don't know either."
"I wish I could hug you right now." He simply says.
"I wish you could hug me too." I childishly replied with a pout. He gives the best hugs. He holds me with his strong arms and I love the way he cares about his own hugs, the same way I do. He pulls me to him so sincerely and every time feels like the last time. My head rests right by his chest, and his scent is like a wave of relief.
"I've got to go, Aera. I'm sorry that I have to hang up on you."
"No, it's fine. I'm getting a bit sleepy too." I say back, failing to hold back a yawn.
"Hey, Aera?"
"Yeah?" I grab my blanket to pull it up my body.
"I love you."
My arm stops midway. He just took the air out of my lungs. I know I didn't expect to hear those three words when I first picked up his call. This is more than I expected. So much more. So much that the corners of my eyes are wetting out of happiness.
I'm flustered with a smile as I reply, "Me too. I love you too."
He smiles hard enough that I can hear it in his voice, "Goodnight."