I sit up from the mattress as the sound of cluttering from the kitchen wakes me up from my sleep.
I reach around the blanket and realize Jungkook was no longer beside me. I look to the refrigerator and find him fidgeting with whatever was inside.
"What are you doing?"
He pops his head up from behind the refrigerator door and smiles a little, "You're awake."
I wait for his answer silently and he dips his head back in, "I'm just sorting your food. Some of these seem to have gone bad."
Frowning, I grab a shirt from the edge of the mattress and slip it over me, "Don't you have work? Why are you organizing my stuff?"
He isn't a man with a lot of time, is what I'm saying.
"It's just that the refrigerator doesn't seem to be preserving the food very well. Maybe I should get you a better one."
He shuts it close and walks to my sink, turning on the tap water.
"I don't need a new refrigerator, Jungkook."
"You clearly do. The food in your refrigerator is barely even cold when I touch them." He starts cleaning my dishes, and I plop right back to the mattress with my eyes to the ceiling.
I don't even know what he's so persistent about.
"Well I'm sorry I'm not crazy rich like you and have a refrigerator the size of my whole flat."
The scrubbing stops.
I hear a deep exhale leave his lips, "You know that's not what I mean, Aera. I'm looking out for you."
I sit up, eyes ready to burn right through his, "Well I don't need you to spoil me, Jungkook. I'm just fine here on my own and I don't like feeling as if you're just here to pity me and do charity work with all your money, and with your time, as well."
He scrubs harder and faster on the plates.
"I just want to take care of you, is that so hard to understand? It's not because I pity you, and it's not some goddamn charity work. I just want to give to the woman that I love, can I not do that? Not even that?"
"Spending your money unreasonably isn't giving, Jungkook, it's wasting," I feel the irritation rise in my voice, "You pull out your credit card like it's nothing. I'm a woman with dignity, I'd be fucking strange if I let you treat me like a charity case."
"Why are you suddenly being so defensive?" He puts the clean plate down on the counter roughly and reaches for a dirty bowl.
"Because you were gone for three years and now that you're back, you act like you're my fucking saviour and l I can't do anything without you. You're buying me shit I don't need, making decisions about my home and leaving your things here like we're a married couple. We've never discussed any of this together and you just roam around like it's all okay."
The tap water stops running.
"You come to my flat late at night, fuck me, and after that in bed you tell me all these cheesy lies. In the morning you throw me money like I'm some kind of woman in need, and then you're gone."
"Why are you trying to paint me like I'm some kind of monster? You're all over the place, so what do you really want?"
The bowl is still in his hand as he grips on it tightly until his knuckles burned a ghostly white.
"All I do is for you, and yet you're too caught up in your insecurities to feel grateful." He muttered as he placed the bowl down harshly.
"I am grateful!" I grit, "Grateful that you give me so much and that I can only take. Grateful that I have nothing to give back to you. Grateful that you make me feel fucking worthless every time you come here!"
My voice is hoarse and ugly. It's no longer sweet, or honey-like, like Jungkook often described it as. Even if he doesn't say it, I know he probably loves me a little less right now.
"When you show up I fill with anxiety. What other big offer are you going to gift me? What more do I owe you this time? This shit has been driving me nuts and I'm fucking miserable with you."
"...really?"
"Yes!" I exhale, veins taking over my neck as my voice strained, "Fucking miserable. More miserable than when you weren't around. I've never felt more worthless, more belittled, more useless in someone's presence."
"You feel miserable with me?"
I failed to notice the tremble to his voice. I failed to notice the red in his eyes that grew wet. Every word leaving my mouth was piercing right through him and that too, I failed to notice.
"Fucking miserable! So miserable I can't breathe anymore around you!"
"Fine then!"
I jolt, my stomach drops when I see my bowl now into pieces and scattered around the floor.
Jungkook doesn't get angry. Jungkook doesn't shout. Jungkook doesn't get physical.
I've done it this time.
"I'm a fucking monster, I ruined your life, ruined your happiness. I came and fucked everything up. You're better off without me. I'm a horrible boyfriend and I should've died with my father three years ago!"
No.
"You know that's not what I meant-"
"You're so fucking ungrateful, Aera. You think you have the right to act like this just because you had a tough life? I haven't had it easy either, if you haven't noticed. Or do you not look at anyone but yourself?"
I swallow, taking a step further. Air is taken out of my lungs as my heart stops beating.
"All you do is judge, you judge the way I show my affection towards you, judge the way I go out of my way to spend time on you. Do you know how hard this shit is for me?" His arm flails out as his palms are open in air, veins visible on his neck. His eyes are like glass, shiny and wet. I've never wanted to drill a hole to hide in so much.
"Do you know the shit I do to see you? You get off work and you're back to being Aera. I'm in this for twenty four hours a day, I've got people who work under me wishing for me to fall sick, wishing for my downfall. I can't quit this, can't run from this. Even when I go home, I am still the son of my dead father, still the boss of this fucking shit that I've hated since birth. But I push through," he swallows.
His words were tearing me apart, bit by bit. Like a slap in the face, or a bucket of ice cold water.
"I push through because when you came back into my life, I had something to live for again. So when I feel like dying from stress, when I want to punch a wall or tear up the fucking building, I make myself swallow it down, put on a smile, and go see you. And yet you still fail to see anything but yourself. I go through hell to be with you, so don't go off and act as if I don't care."
I stood there silently, feeling naked and ashamed. I don't understand why he cares enough to tell this to me or even stay in my house. I don't understand why he hasn't run off, or laid a hand on me. I would.
"You're miserable with me?" He snatched his blazer from my mattress and slips it on. My heart drops when I realize that he was leaving.
"Then I should be going now. I'm glad the feeling's mutual."
Regret washing over me, I hold onto his arm and try to pull him into me. I desperately kiss his lips but he pushes me away, head turned from mine. The shove at my shoulder triggers tears from my eyes.
I want to remove the last five minutes from his memory, and from mine, I want everything to go back to normal. I want to wake up again to the sound of Jungkook washing the dishes, and hear him talk about the inconvenience of my refrigerator. I'd get up from the bed and slip on his blazer over my naked body because I know he likes it when I wear his clothes. I'd walk over to him and leave kisses all over his shoulders, neck, cheeks. He wouldn't push me away. He'd accept my kisses, maybe even kiss me back. I'd thank him for thinking about my comfort. He'd slide his hands under the blazer to caress my waist then my stomach, and goosebumps would rise up my skin from his touch. Perhaps he'd tell me that he loves me, and I'd say the same thing. He wouldn't be leaving and I wouldn't be begging for him to stay either.
I grab for his hand before seeing him retract from me.
"Please don't." He isn't crying, but I'm close enough to see the tears that cover his face. He wipes them with his sleeve right when he notices me gazing at the shine on his skin.
I've hurt him.
When what seemed like the whole entire world was against him, it just had to be me to join in and stab him in the back.
"You're fucking welcome, Aera."
My name comes out from his lips painfully, and I'm met with the deadly silence when he slams the door in my face.
———Jungkook's
Ten missed calls from Aera.
Four new messages.
I unlock my phone and was led to our chat.
Aera
I was upset
Aera
You're right. I'm just insecure
Aera
This is my own issue and i shouldn't have exploded at you
Aera
I didn't even mean half the things I'd said
Aera
jungkook at least let me apologize in person?
I look up from my phone and I'm almost taken aback by the fact that I'm now in the middle of a meeting. I've been in my own head since this morning and I've even come to lose the sense of my surroundings.
I can't focus on this right now. My heart feels like a thousand rocks. So heavy, so big. It doesn't even feeling like it's falling from its weight. It's just there in my chest, straining. I'd rather it just disappear.
"Please excuse me, I need to make an important call." I stand up and tell the people at the table before making my way out and to the hallway.
I turn my phone back on to see more messages, more messages that I will never know how to reply to.
Aera
you've done nothing wrong and i should've known better than to accuse you
Aera
i'm sorry
Aera
Jungkook?
Aera
I love you. really.
But that doesn't change the fact she'd said all those things and probably meant them. She isn't the only one struggling. She isn't the only one gritting teeth just to keep this relationship together. The sacrifices I make are hidden from her and all she sees are how she feels.
I love her. And I love to love her.
But I only have so much love. I must leave some for myself. I can't let her go on and not seeing that too.
Jungkook
give me some time.
Jungkook
okay?
Aera
i'm immature and moody. but i love you more than anything and i can't be myself without loving you
Jungkook
let's just give each other some time to sort things out.
Jungkook
you're obviously uncomfortable and upset.
Jungkook
you need time just as much as i do.
Aera
jungkook..
Jungkook
i'm in the middle of a meeting. I've got to go.