"Can you guys leave? I'm trying to rest." I turn on the mic and speak through the intercom with a sigh.
"Hey!" Jimin scolded, obviously not too happy with my tone. The rest chime in and Jin yaps, "What is this disrespect? We're here to see you! Just open the damn door!"
"We're worried about you, Jungkook. And we miss you a whole lot too." Namjoon covers Jin's mouth and begins to speak more rationally.
"I'm fine, you guys."
"Okay but we still miss you!" Jimin exclaims. Taehyung shoves his face towards the camera, and an ugly cry comes from that boxy mouth of his.
I wince, putting my hands over my ears.
"So fucking loud." I mutter before giving in and unlocking the door for them to enter.
It's a literal stampede.
I'm nearly trampled by the six imbeciles as they forced themselves through the door. The air is filled with their voices as they made themselves at home on my couch.
Namjoon comes up to me and gives me a hug, "You look awful." He puts his hands in my hair and grooms it back, just like how i did before opening the door the first time today.
"Where's Eunae?" I look around and she isn't next to Jin, and not Taehyung either.
"She's didn't come with Jin or Taehyung?"
Namjoon shakes his head, "She couldn't make it. Unfortunately."
"Why?" Aside from these dorks, I really did wish to see the only sane person from the group. Namjoon's only normal now because he knows I'm already overwhelmed as is.
"It's uh.." He grimaces as he glances at Taehyung who's away from the rest of us and drinking from a glass by my dining table on his alone.
"Eunae and him.." Namjoon glides his finger across his neck, a motion that never means anything good. I immediately get the memo.
"Why? Didn't they get back together?"
"That was like half a year ago," He reasoned. "Things have changed. It's awkward now for them to be in the same space. Maybe in the future it'll be less uncomfortable for them, but they need time. They're keeping distance, as they should."
"I barely went to school over the past few months, how much did I miss?"
And how much will I continue to miss?
"A lot."
I sulk with a nod. "Fill me in soon."
We head over to the couch to join the others and so does Taehyung.
Jimin's turned on the tv and apparently during Namjoon and I's chat, Jin and Yoongi had already fixed themselves all my chips in a bowl.
"Where's Hoseok?" I count and realize we're missing one.
"Probably taking a shit. He had a taco on the way over." Taehyung mutters, eyes fixated on the television screen.
I nod.
"Why are you guys here then?" I ask, sitting down on an empty space next to Jin and he puts his arm around my shoulder.
"Big house, perfect for a crowd, don't you think?" Jimin retorted, I shrugged.
"I'd rather be alone."
I stare at my feet.
The television suddenly goes silent and so do the boys.
"Are you okay?" Jimin leaves his seat and comes over to the other side to sit down next to me.
I nod.
"I'm still adjusting."
Adjusting to absence of my girlfriend, and my own father. Adjusting to losing my time with these six idiots, adjusting to this early entrance into adult life. Adjusting to this new weight of responsibilities.
Adjusting to the 180 turn my life has taken.
"You're obviously not fine." Jin tells me truthfully, "Do you have anyone to talk to?"
I'm assuming he's talking about my father's death.
i shake my head.
"Unless my mother having multiple meltdowns in front of me counts."
Jimin ruffles my hair and puts his arm on top of Jin's, both hanging around my shoulders.
"You can talk to us."
"You guys wouldn't get it."
"Who said we have to?" Namjoon asks, "We'll listen and be there for you whether if we understand or not." He states, and I start to feel my chest tighten.
I know I'm about to cry.
I don't like crying.
It's none of that 'feeling weak' nonsense. It's just that I've been so strong for so long. Just like the lady I saw at the funeral home, I've become numb. So hurt that I can't feel worse. The wound in me hurts so much I've grown numb.
At least I thought I had.
The next thing I know I'm sobbing, hiccuping, and I'm breaking down for the first time since the funeral. I try to bite back the cries but they burst from my mouth, and I can feel the saltiness of my tears as they run down my cheeks one after another without a stop.
I didn't know my heart could hurt this bad.
People would always say that they've had their colours taken from their life, that their hearts have been ripped out of their chest, that the sky had fallen down on them, or even that they felt like a thousand knifes had cut through them.
I never understood why someone would describe their feelings like that, it always seemed like a stretch, like they've magnified their pain.
But I get it now. I get that feeling so well that I wish I hadn't.
I really feel like I'm living in black and white.
I really feel like I'm being ripped apart.
I really feel like the sky is falling down on me.
I've been walking on thorns, and it seems that only now am I looking down to acknowledge the blood dripping from my feet.
"Let it all out, it's okay." Jin massages the back of my neck and I feel someone resting their head on my back, arms around me.
I stuff my hands in my hair as I struggle to breathe. I purse my lips but they tremble as I fail to suppress the wave of emotions exploding out from me.
"We've done nothing together. I know nothing about him. There was so much I wanted to change between us, and then he just left. Completely gone, erased. Who allowed him to leave like that?"
There were so many things for him to make up for, so many things to make right. He hadn't apologized for what he did to Aera, for what he'd done to me, for not giving me any fond memories to hold onto before he left, for letting me grow up like a boy without a father because of his constant absence.
If only everyone knew how I wish to forgive him. But how can I?
He should've lived, so that he could ask for forgiveness, and make up for all that he'd done and didn't do.
He's not off the hook.
So who said he could leave?
"Jungkook-"
Namjoon's voice reminds me of their presence and my ears immediately redden up from embarrassment. I had not intended to cry, and even more so, definitely not in front of the six brothers that i admire so much.
"Sorry for this."
I grunt, quickly using my palm to smear the tears that blurred my sight. Someone from my right hands me a tissue, I take it, blowing my nose.
"Crying is necessary. Pain is necessary." Namjoon speaks, as if he's pulling words from a book of quotes, as usual. "You haven't been crying much, have you?"
I shake my head.
"I try not to."
"Why?" Yoongi asked quietly.
I began to ask myself this question.
For real this time.
Why?
"Because," I started, but didn't know how to continue my sentence.
"Because.."
Sometimes feelings get buried so deeply inside you that they're no longer just secrets kept from the world. Sometimes these feelings become hard to admit, even to yourself.
"Because I don't want my father to be the reason of my tears."
I don't want to cry for him.
"I'd always resented him. I never knew finding out that you love someone can also be just as painful as hating them. It hurts when you feel both at the same time."
He'd done nothing for me.
Nothing good, at least.
And yet here I am mourning over almost what feels like pure nothingness.
"He's left me with a company I don't want. It's more of a burden than anything else, to be honest. He could've given it to my mother. Even her, he didn't trust. I suppose I should be grateful for his faith in me, at least."
I'm going off topic. I'm running away.
"Jungkook, focus." Jin murmurs next to me, as he rested his hand over mine.
I gulp.
"It scares me," I think. "That his death can be so impactful to me. It scares to know that he means more to me than i thought he did."
I haven't been breathing right ever since his passing. There's something choking me. I can't eat, can't sleep, can't go about my day without feeling like I'm missing a piece.
several pieces.
Not just him.
Bangtan doesn't know.
I'm missing Aera. I'm missing her bad.
Her absence didn't come gradually like my father's. She was here every second of everyday and then she was gone. Gone from every of second of my every day.
I was holding her so closely just the day before, her lips were on mine, our hearts were sewn together and ripped apart by the next morning.
"Does Aera know that your father's gone?" Jin asked, mostly to himself, because neither of us really know where she's been or what she's been up to.
"The whole world knows." Hoseok replied quietly.
"No matter." I try to shake away the heavy atmosphere, "Would you guys like to eat? I have some food in the refrigerator."