"W-what is he doing here?" I stutter, unable to hide my discomfort and panic. My eyes are still locked on the image of Alec guiding the guards and Meliorn to the city of bones.
What the hell is he thinking about?
"Oh, no." I hear Clary mutter beside me and I turn around and see her looking to where I was looking only seconds ago.
Jace gives us a weird and worried look, oblivious to what me and the redhead have been freaking out about since he hasn't activated his rune yet. When he runs his stele on it, he looks at the space were Alec is standing and freezes.
"Damn it. Lydia must have send him." He guesses and I nod along with him when Clary sighs.
"Who is Lydia again?" She asks reminding me that the redhead didn't have the pleasure of meeting the blonde since she has been away ever since Simon got in trouble. And Simon is always in trouble.
"Alec's future wife, that I told you about." I explain and she nods shaking her head. "I have to finally meet this woman."
She then turns to look at Jace who has his eyes still fixated on the image in front of us. She then looks at me again and I give her back a panicked look, letting her know that my stomach is twitching and I have a hard time keeping myself from falling to the ground.
I mean, Alec...he is going to hate me. If he sees us...
"Guys," Clary starts, earning all the attention. "Just say the word and we'll call the whole thing off." She gently says while moving her arm to rest on Jace's shoulder.
"No, there is no turning back now." Jace argues and as much I would love to go home and burry myself under my covers, not having to go through this, I know that he is right.
We managed to persuade the wolves and the vampires to cooperate, we united the downworlders with the shadowhunters. We did what our ancestors couldn't. Now, we have to fight in order to prove them that they took the right decision, in order to make them trust us.
"Follow my lead." Jace speaks up and we give each other a last doubtful look before we make our way towards Alec.
As soon as we reach him along with Meliorn, it seems like the others managed the guards, Jace calls out his name. He turns to look at the blond and then Clary that has moved and is now right in front of him with me on her side.
"You told me you were taking Clary back to the institute, you lied to me." He accuses his parabatai raising his voice, while he takes threatening steps towards him.
"I did what needed to be done." Jace replies nonchalantly but from the tone of his voice I understand that he is getting angry.
Alec looks around trying to find a way to leave but notices that Clary is standing in front of him, Jace on the other side and now I am at the door blocking his exit. His eyes stay on me for a moment too long before he lowers his head, letting out a bitter laugh.
"Alec, the clave has gone to far." Clary tries to reason with him as she takes several steps back allowing Jace to come and stand beside her, "you have to realize that. Please, let Meliorn go." She pleads the older boy but he stares at her with a blank expression on his face.
"I have my orders."
"Of course, you have your orders!" I finally exclaim being extremely fed up with the boy's behavior. "That's the excuse for everything lately right? Maybe you should concentrate more on the fact that you are trying covering the murder of an innocent person with the idea of having orders, because that makes you feel better, like it wasn't your fault. " I finish my rant and watch as Alec's shoulders tense and his face is red with anger.
"See?" He turns to look at me speaking with a controlled voice, unable though to hide his annoyance. "That's how little you know about being a shadowhunter, you couldn't possibly understand..." he starts accusing me with things that are probably true but not when a life is at stake.
Jace interrupts him though backing me up. "It's you who doesn't understand, Alec. Not this time." Alec gives him a troubled look before shaking his head like he feels sorry for us and attempts to push through Clary along with Meliorn.
He doesn't go far tough before Jace apologizes to him and immediately attacks him.
Alec is taken aback and looses his balance causing both of the boys to fall on the floor. Clary immediately rushes to catch meliorn so that he doesn't fall. I am unable to move though. I'm stuck to my position on the ground looking at the two parabatais fighting each other.
"Clary, go now!" Jace's voice comes out muffled by Alec's arm on top of him but it's enough to alert the redhead and make her start running. She stops for a small moment to look at me and I shake my head, motioning her to keep moving without me. She looks conflicted for a second but nods and quickly hugs me before disappearing.
"You always broke the rules, but never the law. Not until she showed up." Alec exclaims while battling with Jace on the ground.
I watch in horror as they fight each other, the two boys who I always considered way more than friends. Brothers.
I try to react in any way but my mind and body seem to be unable to do anything. I try to shout at them , make them stop but nothing comes out of my mouth, not even a tiny whisper.
"You had a problem with Clary from the start but only with her, not Adam, and certainly not Sky. And now you are getting married Alec? We both know what this is about. " Jace says with anger and I flinch when his fist comes in impact with Alec's sides.
Alec groans for only a second and then proceeds to attack Jace again, who however has him pinned on the ground.
"Oh, do we? Tell us what is it about." Alec challenges the blond with bitterness in his voice.
"It's about Sky. You fucked up with her. You kissed her and then went on and proposed to Lydia. Who does that Alec? A coward, who is afraid to love." Jace spits on Alec's face and all my senses shut down for a minute and his words keep being repeated in my head.
Alec completely furious now manages to throw Jace off him, but in an attempt to capture the blond, he loses his balance, allowing Jace to pin him on the floor, disarm him and point his blade on his neck. A lump forms in my throat as I watch them.
"Do it." Alec shouts boldly at Jace who looks at his parabatai with a conflicted expression. "Kill me!" insists Alec even louder now since the younger boy hasn't moved to do anything.
This alarms me and with all the strength I can muster I scream Jace's name. When he turns to look at me confused I shake my head.
"Stop!" I exclaim desperately wanting Jace to remove the blade from Alec's neck.
"Sky?" Alec asks from the ground while Jace stills holds him there. He turns to look at me confused since he hadn't noticed my presence here but Alec takes the opportunity and shoves him off him and hovering above him with his own sword now pointed at the blond.
"I don't want to be alive if we are on different sides." Jace tells Alec, who however doesn't seem ready to back down.
"Get away from him!" I shout and, like he was now realizing what he is doing, he drops his sword to the ground, causing a bug thud to echo around the room.
Alec sits up looking at me confused for a moment before the anger comes back but instead of Jace he is looking towards me this time. When he attempts to get up and come towards me I freeze. I know that he wouldn't hurt me right? But I can't think rationally right now. Stricken by fear, I take a few steps back and place myself in the wall, praying for him to stop.
Alec, upon noticing my expression, stops dead in his tracks. He looks at me, breathing heavily, trying to calm himself.
" Jace, go find Clary. We will be fine.Just..." I try but the blond stops me.
"Get back safe." he says and with no other words he disappears around the corner.
I turn to look at the older boy and attempt to take a few steps towards him.
"Are you..." I try to see if he is okay but he gives me a cold look and I stop moving and turn to look at the ground.
"How long have you been here?" He questions me and I hear him moving but when I look over to him I see that he is still in his place.
"All along." I answer quietly and he shakes his head at me.
"Alec..." I try but the boy sighs while running a hand through his hair and stops me.
"Don't." He simply says but I'm not having any of it. This time it's my turn to talk. He has to hear me out.
"You have to listen to me." I start again but he scoffs and looks in my eyes.
"I want nothing to do with you." The words reach my ear living a cold feeling up my spine, they hurt me ore than I will ever admit but they also make me angry. Furious.
"Don't say that. I'm not the one to blame here." I comment and and this time he gives me a blank stare.
"What is that supposed to mean?"
"You are marrying Lydia!" I exclaim all of a sudden letting out all the frustration and pain that has settled in me the past week.
"Because you couldn't decide to be brave for once in your life!" He fires back taking me by surprise. He thinks I'm a coward. He thinks I give up all the time. And he isn't wrong.
But he had told me that I was one of the bravest people he knew and hearing these words coming out of his mouth, like he never meant anything he told me makes me feel like the earth is swaying under my feet. I don't even recognize the boy from that night anymore.
"Who are you right now?" I ask him and he scoffs.
"You always knew that this is what I wanted." He says.
"No. this is what you think you should do." I reply back causing him to roll his eyes. "You don't know what you want Alec."
"That's rich coming from you." His voice is laced with venom but this only causes me to get angrier.
He wanted brave, he will se brave.
"Oh cut the crap. Im not the one who kissed someone and then in the same day proposed to someone else." I point out at him and he greets his teeth together before answering, clearly angry and frustrated.
"You run away!" He exclaims finally leaving out a cry. He moves closer to me waving his hands around to emphasize his words. "Literally. And then you ignored me. I was waiting for you when I was at the infirmary and you never showed up. I needed you there and you were just stubborn." He says now with his voice lower, calmer with his finger pointed accusingly at me.
"I was worried sick!" I argue keeping my tone strong and angry. "I almost had a panic attack right in the middle of the institute, you can't imagine how much I hate this. It's not normal Alec." At the mention of the panic attack I notice him look at me a bit worried but it quickly fades away once I finish.
"Caring?" He asks me referring to what I said wasn't normal.
I don't know. Maybe. I am not used to it. For years I learned not to care too much or things will fuck you up.
"Yes. Caring. For me it's not normal." I reply quietly while looking directly in his green or dons that had darkened reminding me of a forest.
"You care about things more than anyone I know." He says suddenly causing me to snap me head at him and notice that his features are controlled by pain and sadness. "You have a huge heart Sky. And so much love in it. You are just afraid of it."
I look at him with my eyebrows furrowed for a moment before sighing and letting my eyes scan him. I take in his position with his hands crossed on his chest, his legs firmly on the ground. His eyes look torn, like there is a storm going on in there. Everything about him is so familiar that makes my heart clench in my chest, it leaves me breathless. But he is right. There is also a sick feeling to my stomach. Except all these fucking butterflies that he gives me. Fear.
"Maybe I am." I whisper and he nods like he was expecting the answer but still looks like it pained him to hear it. He moves his hands to rub his eyes and when he answers he sounds defeated.
"Then I'm not the one to blame." Not baring to look at him anymore I turn my eyes to the ground, scratching it with my foot. I knew the end of this all along.
"It's not like I didn't know it right?" I voice my thought at Alec who scratches the back of his neck while moving his eyes to look at me.
"What do you mean?"
"Nothing." I say deciding it's pointless to even go there. Alec approaches me and takes a hold on my wrist forcing me to look at him.
"Sky." He says sternly and I sigh. I move away from his touch causing his hand to fall by his side.
"What do you want me to say Alec? That I knew all along I wasn't enough? That I tried to fight whatever I was feeling about you because I knew I didn't stand a chance?" I blow up again leaving him confused.
"Is that what you thought?" He asks me as if I am insane.
"That's what I still think. And I get it. I wouldn't choose me either. But I just wasn't ready for a wedding. I guess I'm just that easy to replace." I open up to him, letting him know everything that was running through my mind the last few days, desperately needing to understand him. To understand why.
"You just make up your own explanations about situations Sky. I don't love Lydia and you and I both know it. I'm doing this because I have to. You believe that no one cares enough to fight for you but you just don't see in front of your eyes." He replies with a sincerity in his voice leaving me surprised and frozen in place.
I watch him as he points to himself before continuing. "I tried. I went against everything my family has told me, everything I know and believe in. I fought for you and you just got up and left. I waited for you but you didn't show up. What did you want me to do? Wait until you are not longer afraid of your feelings? And will that ever really happen? No."
He just doesn't get it. It's not only about me and my feelings. It's not only me I am afraid for.
"I fuck up a lot. But what you don't get is that it's not all about me. For once in my life I made the right decision for..." I try but Alec stops me raising his hand at me and waving me off.
"Don't you think I should have made that decision? You know that I heard you talking to Isabelle." He says mentioning the event from last night. I sigh running a hand through my head and pacing back and forth while Alec is standing still waiting for my answer.
"Then you should have at least the decency to understand where I'm coming from." It's the only thing I say but he isn't ready to drop the conversation.
"You just did it again, don't you get that? You assumed that I would be happier without you. That you would be a burden or something. So you don't deserve me. Don't you think that I should be the one making those decisions? That I should be the one who knows what's best of me, what makes me happy? But no. " he comes closer to me now and points at me with his hands towards the direction of my head. "You built whole stories up there, about how you think people think of you. But let me tell you that most of the time you are wrong." He concludes and I press my fingers to my eyes trying desperately to stop myself from crying.
His words ripple through me making it harder to fathom. "Alec...you don't understand." I try again, nothing else coming to my mind right now but these words, because he doesn't.
He doesn't know how I feel. And I hate it more than him, more than anyone, but I can't stop. I can't stop feeling this way.
" No, I don't." He finally answers looking me in the eyes with an intensity that holds me captivated. "And I don't want to. You know if you had told me to cancel the weeding this afternoon at my office I would have. But you didn't."
He sounds disappointed and new tears make their way to my eyes and I try my best not to let them fall. I don't cry. Crying means you are weak. Crying makes people angry. I can't cry not now.
"I would never ask you to cancel your wedding." I try to speak up but my voice sounds strange even to my own ears, like it's laced with so much pain, like the tears that I don't let fall down are suffocating me. "I know what this means to you. You make me seem like the bad guy here but you would do literally anything for your family. Why would I want to take that from you? The ability to help your own people. You wouldn't cancel the wedding Alec. Not now. Maybe if I had acted earlier, before the proposal we would have worked things out." I say and he looks down knowing deep down that what I say tapirs true.
He thought he would do it but he couldn't. He couldn't expose his family like that. When his eyes meet mine again the coldness that they hold is enough to break me. All over again. A single tear rolls down my cheek and into the bridge of my nose and I quickly move my hand to wipe it but it doesn't go unnoticed by Alec.
"Well you didn't. And you didn't even do it after that. Because I would have changed everything for you. I'm in love with you. And I think to this point there's nothing I've ever regretted more."
The way he made my heart beat so fast and a minute later he shuttered it to so many pieces that no one would dare to recompose is remarkable. All I can feel right now is pain. So much pain. Like whole galaxies are collapsing inside of me. I try to concentrate on something else but all I can see now was Alec leaving. My eyes are filled with tears and they start running down my cheeks in tidal waves. Trying to look past the blurriness I just see his back. He has it turned to me, wearing this black leather jacket as he walks away. He doesn't even turn once.
My legs can no longer hold me. I fall to the ground burying my head inside my legs and erupting into sobs.
I hate this, I hate crying.
Because now except from the pain there is fear. Fear because he believed that crying makes you weak, he believed that when i cried I deserved to be punished more. Because in the shadows I can see figures moving and I'm terrified that someone will attack me.
Because I just realized how fucked up I am.
Because I let myself hope for just a single moment and everything came crushing down with so much force that I feel my lungs collapsing on my rib cage, my throat closing and the last thing that runs through my fucked up mind before completely losing my consciousness is that this is how she must have felt while dying.