It's something I can't put into words.
I don't know how to explain it.
My heart twists every time he pops up in my mind. Like a glitch.
I miss his voice, his hand holding mine, his lips on my forehead. I miss riding the car with him and staring as the sun kisses his face, I miss the rush in me when we catch each other staring, i miss the euphoria when i run into him on the hallway. I miss the little lisp in his speech, the few strands of hair that never stay in place, the glisten in his eyes when he smiles.
I miss the entirety of him.
I miss everyone. I miss my parents, my sister, the boys at school, Eunae.
But with him it's different.
with jungkook it's different.
he has the other half of me in his hands.
"Are you okay?" I hear Axl's voice whisper harshly next to my ear.
It's night time, and we're put into different rooms. Four for each, and we split the two bunk beds. Axl and I accommodate the bottom.
Wiping my tears, i nod, unconvincingly.
"We'll see your sister soon, it's okay."
I shake my head, "I'm not crying about that." Though i probably should be.
"...well," I hear his blankets shuffle, and his voice grows nearer.
"What's wrong?" He enters my sight and he sits down at the edge of my bed.
"I miss my boyfriend."
He stays unresponsive for a few seconds, and slowly lifts his lips into a smile, "I'm sure he misses you too."
I nod, letting the pillow dry my tears, "Is there anything I can do to help you feel better?"
"You're already doing plenty."
"I don't believe you."
"You should."
"You're still crying."
I chuckle.
"I guess my body just reacts slower."
He hangs his head as a cheek-sore smile takes over him, "Fair enough."
He pulls the blanket higher up my body.
"Thanks for guiding me for the past few days, Axl. I'm lucky to have a friend like you."
He then shrugs, "Its nice having a new friend around too. Everyone knows this place as well as i do, there isn't much to chat about with them."
Our environment is so different to the point where we're compatible.
It's funny how relationships work.
"Can I ask you something?"
I shrug.
"What was your boyfriend like?"
It felt funny hearing someone else refer to him as my boyfriend. It didn't feel right anymore.
Is he still my boyfriend?
"I dunno. He's everything all at once."
"I don't follow."
"Everybody knows of him but he's so under appreciated, people portray him as an ugly monster but his heart is the most beautiful thing I've encountered, he seems like just another empty handsome boy but if you really take time to understand him,"
it hurts to think of him
"No words can do him justice."
Axl lets out a breath, "Are you sure you're not talking about keanu reeves?"
I shake my head.
"Did he know about your situation? Working underaged and illegally signing papers and all?"
I nodded, "Yeah. It was actually his dad that sent me here."
"Why would his father do that to you?"
"We weren't supposed to be together."
"I don't think that's how relationships work, you either love each other or you don't. There shouldn't be a rule on who gets to love who."
"Tell that to his father."
"Your boyfriend's kind of a pussy for not saving you though."
"Don't say that."
He offended Jungkook. So he offended me.
"Well sorry, but it's true. He couldn't even go against his father to save his own girlfriend's life."
"Couldn't go against his father, who is literally the head of Jeon Enterprise. He couldn't stop his father even if he wanted to."
Axl looked shaken up.
"His father is the boss? Then your boyfriend's-"
"Yeah, he's Jungkook. Jeon Jungkook."
"There should've been an article about you."
"They made the media shut up."
"It's like they can do anything, those who have power I mean. People like your boyfriend's father."
"I'm living proof."
"You are. But have you heard the things about him? Isn't he a murderer?"
"He doesn't like it when people call him that."
He doesn't. So I don't either.
"But it's t-"
"No it's not. They were forced into a relationship by their parents, Jungkook had every right to rebel against it. The poor girl had horrible horrible depression, it's unfair to put all the blame on a teenage boy who was fighting for the rights to his own life."
Axl doesn't talk. I think he gets it now.
"It's not okay to let the media brainwash you into feeling a certain way about someone you've never even really met. The girl ended her pain but it was Jungkook that had to face the consequences. He had to endure the whole world hating on him. It's not fair. He was being bullied, but because he's a public figure nobody feels bad enough to apologize."
I was running out of breath as I told him this.
My throat burning with determination to clear Jungkook's name.
"You have to see what the media can do to someone. He's rich, hella handsome, and has a big heart and through an outsider's eyes he has the perfect life. But Axl, trust me when I tell you this,"
He nods, lips zipped.
"I've never seen someone more fragile than him. Never seen someone so perfect that lacked as much confidence. People don't know how much power their words have."
"I'm sorry."
I shake my head, "There's no need for that anymore. He doesn't need other people's acceptance. He needs his own."
-
A/N:
It's ridiculous that it takes another suicide to get people to talk about what's important. Life has no trigger warning. So many people said that she looked happy a day/two days before, but still she left. People don't have to be crying or be in obvious pain to deserve your care and thoughtfulness. People are capable of smiling and still be more than just miserable on the inside. People are actors and actresses. it takes effort and love to see through it, and even more to reach out to help.
The people around us are precious, so treat them as they are.
The words we say hold so much more power than we think. Choose your words wisely, and hold on to those around you.
Rest in peace Sulli.