"You're just a small bump unborn; in four months, you're brought to life..."
(Ed Sheeran - Small Bump)
________________________________________________________________
If what Eli said is true, I have to tell Hayden before something terrible can happen. The only problem is, I have no clue how to tell Hayden about everything he shared with me. I don't think Eli is doing it to get back at him for sleeping with his girlfriend three years ago. I don't even know why he came to me instead of going straight to him, but I have to figure out if it's something worth Hayden stressing over.
He will never believe Eli's story. Hell, I don't even know if I believe it. I need to have proof. I have to get a DNA test done.
Although I once told Hayden that I wouldn't make any decisions regarding Naomi without him, this is one I know he would never entertain. I have to do this for him, for Naomi, and our family. Hayden may never forgive me for doing one, but I want to get to the bottom of this. I need to know if Una has been lying to Hayden this entire time. I need to know if Una is really as evil as my mother.
Elijah gave me a small ziplock bag with strands of Una's hair before I left the restaurant. He told me to get the test done myself if I don't believe him. That's precisely what I plan to do.
Going into Naomi's bathroom, I reach for her hairbrush, but of course, it's already cleaned as Hannah never leaves Naomi's room untidy, and hair is her biggest pet peeve. I'll have no choice but to wait for Naomi to return from Erika's tomorrow. In the meantime, finding someone whom I can trust with this who will be willing to help me but can also keep it a secret from Hayden is my top priority.
I find myself walking to the security room with Una's DNA in my cardigan pocket, hoping to find Geoff alone. Wade is more faithful to Hayden and will tell him what I'm doing in a heartbeat. Geoff is loyal to Hayden as well, but I think I'll be able to convince him to keep it between us temporarily.
I knock twice on the door before letting myself in. I was thankful to find Geoff by himself staring at the computer screens. "Is there something I can do for you, Miss Greene?"
"I need a huge favor from you, Geoff."
"Anything you need." He assures me.
"But you can't tell Hayden." I see his features falter for just a moment before he recovers, keeping his face impassive. None of them keep anything from Hayden, and him helping me with this and keeping it a secret could get him in a lot of trouble.
"Okay." He agrees without question. "You have my word."
"I need to get a DNA test done on Naomi."
"Miss Greene . . ." He trails off. I know I'm asking a lot from him, but it's too crucial for me to do it independently. "Mr. Stymest would never forgive you or me for this type of betrayal. Can I ask why you want to do this in the first place and keep it secret?"
"A man I once knew told me he was her real father, and I want to be sure he isn't lying before I tell Hayden. He wants to take Naomi away from us."
"Who is this man?" He's serious about this, and I'm glad I came to Geoff for his help.
"His name is Elijah Jenkins."
"The current boyfriend of Una and your ex from high school?"
"Yes," I answer before I get taken aback by his knowledge of my previous relationship that I've kept hidden from my life. "Wait . . . how do you know that?"
"Your file."
"You investigated my past?" So all this time, Hayden knew about Eli? He never asked me about him even when I told him Jake was my first love.
"A long time ago, Miss Greene." He informs me. "It was Mr. Stymest's orders."
"Well, that's all besides the point. The point is Elijah wants a relationship with Naomi now that Una is moving away. I don't know what his plan is."
"Luckily for you, Miss Greene, we have DNA samples of Hayden and Naomi. I don't have one for Una, though. Once I get that, you can leave everything up to me, and I will report back to you once the results are in."
"Do you know how long it will take?"
"I will try to get it back to you within the next few days. Three at most."
"Please don't mention anything about this to anyone. I want to be the one to tell Hayden." I reach in my pocket for the hair sample Eli gave to me. "This is Una's hair. I think this should be good enough?"
"Yes, thank you."
"No, thank you, Geoff. I'm so sorry I'm putting you in a complicated situation."
"Leave everything to me, Miss Greene." His voice holds so much assurance, and at this moment, I am beyond relieved for his expertise. "Also, Mr. Stymest wanted me to inform you that he will meet you at your appointment. He also suggested you open your gifts in the lounge."
"Okay," I mutter. I would have preferred Hayden to be here when I open my gifts, but I could always use tonight to thank him with my throat. I laugh lightly to myself at the thought, knowing the idea alone is enough to turn me on.
I step over more roses as I enter the lounge room and make my way to the table of gifts. For some reason, I feel slightly overwhelmed at the idea of Hayden going all out for me like this. The beautiful candles and roses, the building with the offer to buy me a practice, all of these presents. I love him for all of this, but I'm more than pleased with just spending my time with him and having dinner.
I put my thoughts aside and begin opening the presents. Without telling Hayden much about my taste, he managed to get everything he knew I would love. I feel like a child on Christmas morning surrounded by everything I could have wanted and more. He picked out a new wardrobe from expensive dresses to new shoes, heels, slides, and loafers to add to the office building gift. There are two Hermes bags, both of them are black, shiny, and beautiful. I no longer have an excuse to wear Hayden's t-shirts to bed as there were numerous slips and lace lingerie sets. In a perfectly wrapped black gift basket, I found new bottles of my favorite perfumes and makeup. He left no stone untouched today. I feel so spoiled.
When I thought I finished, I found a long black velvet gift box amongst the opened gifts. A handwritten letter is the first thing I see after opening the case. Without having read what it says, I already have tears brimming my eyes.
I have never been skilled in expressing my adoration for you. Despite this, here I am, attempting to narrate how much of a gift you are to me. I spent this last month that we've been together recounting where I came from, where we went wrong, and why you came back to me. There aren't enough 'I'm sorry's' in the world that could ever amount to what you deserve to hear from me. There aren't enough gifts in the world that I could shower you with to show you how much I love you. There isn't enough time in the day to express to you how grateful I am to wake up next to you, to sleep beside you, to eat food with you, to talk with you, to make love to you. I will never be deserving of you, your time and energy, your passion. Be that as it may, I am delirious that you continue to choose and love me. I don't know where I would be without your interminable questioning and probing. I love you for everything you are; beautiful, benevolent, secretly salacious, and all mine. My heart is forever yours. I love you until the end of time. Hayden.
I love this man so much. The tears were falling uncontrollably; I could barely make out what was on the paper. He may think he doesn't have a way with words, but I have always believed he expresses himself perfectly.
Underneath the letter was an elegant gold necklet with the two letters H and A separated by a single diamond. It's so beautiful. I can't believe I'm blessed to have such a perfect person in my life.
"Miss Greene," Geoff joins me in the lounge as I'm putting the 16-inch chain around my neck. "I have the car out front to take you to your appointment."
"Oh, okay. I just finished going through everything."
"Not everything." He utters, handing me an enclosed envelope.
My first thought was that Geoff managed to get the results in less than 10 minutes, but the outside of the envelope read 'Don't hate me' in Hayden's handwriting. I laugh loudly when I see there are two cards inside. When I take them out, I see an American Express Platinum Card and a Chase debit card, both with my name on it. "What is this, Geoff?"
"Mr. Stymest has added you to his checking account, where you have access to all of his finances. The other is a business credit card that is in connection with Stymest Enterprises. If you decide to open up your practice, this is the card you will use for all expenses."
"Oh my goodness," This man is unbelievable. "How did he manage to do this without me being there or my authorization?"
"Technically, you gave your authorization when you signed the papers." He informs me. I don't remember doing that, and he can tell. "You were busy on a call when Mr. Stymest asked you to sign them."
What a sly guy. I remember that now. I was on the phone with Reign when he came into my study with the papers asking for my signature. I didn't think to ask or even read about why he needed it. "Mrs. Sutter will put everything away for you. Are you ready to go, Miss Greene?"
"Yes," I stuff the new cards in my wallet on the way to my doctor's appointment. As we pull up to the office building, Hayden and Wade were standing outside of the door. Hayden is on a call, and Wade is standing a few feet from him, his posture as intimidating as ever. He smiles and nods when he sees me and dismisses himself back to the car, leaving Hayden and me alone.
Still, on his call, Hayden's fingers graze over the necklace, "Beautiful." He speaks in a hushed tone, slightly removing the phone from his mouth. "Mr. Jenkins, I can assure you I was most definitely not talking to you, but I am listening."
I laugh with him as he said it. "I'm going inside Hayden, meet me when you've finished."
He only nods and returns to his call, and I go inside the building, standing in the short line to get to one of the nurses at the reception desk. "Hi," I'm greeted with a warm welcome, "Is it your first time?"
"I used to come here, but I haven't been back for some years."
"Okay, just sign yourself in. I'll look up your information so we can update any details as necessary. And what is your name?"
"Alice Greene," I say, signing myself in. She hands me a tablet to update my information, and I sit down in one of the chairs. Hayden finally finished his phone call and sat beside me as I fill in my data.
"I'm sorry I had to leave you earlier." He drapes his arm over my shoulder, pressing his lips into my hair. "Did you enjoy your gifts?"
"You outdid yourself, Hayden. I loved everything." I tell him. "The letter was my favorite gift of all."
He scrunched up his nose in the cutest fashion. Maybe he was expecting me to say something else. "Mine was your delicates, and I am keenly anticipating to see you in them."
"After this," I promise. I, too, am eager to see where that would lead us.
"You were very sly with those cards."
He smiles keenly at me, "Now everything that belongs to me is yours."
Before I can respond to him, my name gets called by one of the nurses. Hayden and I stand simultaneously, and just before I get to the door, I drop the tablet off at the reception table and follow her into a private exam room. There isn't much in here except for an exam table, a large flat screen on the wall, chairs, and the ultrasound machine. She leaves us alone shortly before an ultrasonographer joins us in the room.
"Hello, Miss Greene," She shakes my hand after closing the door behind herself. "And Mister?"
"Stymest," Hayden answers, shaking her outstretched hand.
"Right, it's nice to meet you both. I'm Jenn. How are you feeling today Ms. Greene?"
"Excited." I laugh lightly.
"Do you know how far along you are?"
"Well, I believe it's a little over 13 weeks by now. I was very early on at my first ultrasound."
"If you can lie back on the table, and I'll be able to let you know precisely how far along you are." I follow her instructions lifting my shirt up to the edge of my bra. As she explains everything, she turns the lights down, preparing to begin the sonogram. After putting her gloves on, she tucks tissue in the top waistband of my pants and squeezes the cold gel onto my belly, "Is this your first child?"
"Our first together," Hayden answers. "But my second."
"Oh?" She presses the transducer into the gel, spreading it around my belly, and, with pressure, moves the sensor around. "Do you have a son or daughter?"
"Daughter, her name is Naomi."
"Aw, I bet she's a dear," She mutters, her eyes on the screen in front of her. "I'm just taking a few pictures, and your doctor will meet with you in a few moments to discuss your scan."
"Is something wrong?" I can't shake the feeling that just came on to me as I watched her. I can almost sense the shift in her attitude. I also notice she's doing things a little differently than the one in LA. Even though I didn't hear a heartbeat at five weeks when I found out I was pregnant, I was able to see the little flickering. She hasn't shown us the screen yet, so I don't know what she's able to see. "Shouldn't we hear the heartbeat at this stage?"
"I have detected an abnormality with the fetus, but your doctor should be able to answer any questions you may have when he comes in."
"An abnormality?" Hayden poses the question before I get the chance.
"Dr. Burhman will give you a more thorough exam to inform you of what's going on." She's using her words cautiously. She won't tell us exactly what's going on because it's something so important that our doctor has to be the one to say it to us. She offers a kind smile as she cleans the gel off of my belly. "A nurse is going to come in and take some blood work, and Dr. Burhman will follow right behind her."
She politely dismisses herself, leaving us alone in the room with the news of the baby's abnormality. I don't know what to say right now. "Are you okay, baby?"
"I'm so sorry, Hayden." If anything is wrong with our baby, I know that it's my fault. I should have been taking better care of myself so that our baby can get everything they need.
I know I don't pray much, or ever really, but God, please let our baby be fine. Please let the doctor tell us that nothing is wrong, and our baby is healthy. Please, I won't ask you for anything else.
"Hey," His large hands come up to either side of my face, forcing me to look at him, "Everything is going to be fine. You don't ever have to apologize to me for anything."
Even though he says everything will be fine, his eyes show that he's terrified, just like me. "Regardless of what the doctor says, everything will be alright." His promise holds only temporary relief for me. He promises me that whether our baby is okay or not, we will still make it through. But, without knowing exactly what's wrong, I can't help but fear the worst. I can't help but think about how we may never get through this when the bad news comes.
"Alice," He eyes me expecting a response.
All I can offer him is a muted response, the single nod of my head. He doesn't say anything else. Instead, he sits in the chair beside me, holding my hand tight in his. He doesn't let go even as the nurse comes in to take my blood or when the doctor joins us in the room telling me he has to perform a pelvic exam just to see how it looks down there.
"Miss Greene, have you experienced any bleeding or anything out of the ordinary that may concern you?" Dr. Burhman asks as he eases several fingers in my vagina to assess my cervix, as he stated earlier.
"Not lately," I answer. The only thing I can think of as abnormal was the cramping I experienced no less than two weeks ago, but my mother assured me that everyone goes through something different. "I did have some cramping like last week or the week before that, but it wasn't anything severe that would cause me to worry."
"Okay, any changes in your pregnancy?"
"No, not really."
"She doesn't have much of an appetite, and I have to remind her to eat most days," Hayden speaks up after the lack of detail in my answer. My mind is focused on our baby's heartbeat and wanting to know what the abnormality is. I don't care to answer these questions right now. "The morning sickness she experienced early on is gone too."
I didn't realize Hayden noticed those things too. It's not something we discussed at all. "I mentioned to my mother that if it weren't for this tiny bump here, I wouldn't know that I was pregnant."
"You don't feel pregnant?" He asked, removing his fingers from me and taking off his gloves. "You can sit up now."
"Not necessarily," I answer, sitting upright on the examination table. After enclosing our fingers together, Hayden's grip somehow tightens even more than before. "Is that a bad thing?"
"Well, Miss Greene, I'm very sorry to tell you, but that feeling you described is one of the missed signs of a miscarriage." The words he started with caused my heart to drop from its rightful place in my chest. "There was no fetal heartbeat during the ultrasound, and unfortunately, your cervix has already started to expand. I'm very sorry for both of you."
My silent prayer went unheard, and our baby is gone. Hayden's grip on my hand loosened as the tears in my eyes scrolled down my cheeks at the most heart-wrenching news. Why did this have to happen? What could I have done differently?
He turns the screen connected to the ultrasound towards us, flipping through the images that were captured earlier, "The size of the baby measures about eleven weeks and two days. If you were supposed to be around thirteen weeks today, that means that it had stopped growing precisely two weeks ago."
"What?" Two weeks ago? I've been living regularly day by day while carrying a dead baby inside of me. I think I'm going to be sick.
"Why hasn't the baby come out if it's not alive?" Hayden asked the question I can't seem to form.
I don't understand why this is happening. I stopped drinking long before I found out I was pregnant. I took my vitamins every morning with breakfast, and I didn't even do any strenuous work while moving. Was it my lack of appetite and forgetting to eat? Was it the all traveling and moving that I did to come to Seattle or visit Reign? Was it something I did to cause this?
"The reason you didn't have any blood or discharge any pregnancy tissue is that your body hasn't recognized that the fetus is no longer alive." He explains. "What you're experiencing is known as a missed miscarriage."
"What is she supposed to do now?" I'm thankful for Hayden at this moment. If I had it in me to speak, these are the questions I would be asking.
"Well, there are three options. Miss Greene, you have the choice to wait it out naturally, which could range from a week to another two weeks. This is just you waiting until your body dispels the fetus on its own without any aiding. Or you can take the medication, misoprostol, to induce the miscarriage. With this, you can wait it out at home or in the hospital, and it generally happens quicker than the former.
And the last option is to have a surgery called a dilation and curettage or D and C for short. It's a procedure that involves dilating your cervix even more and using a specific tool to remove the uterus' contents, and it helps prevent infection and complications after miscarriage. As I said, the choice is entirely up to you, and if you want, I can step out to give you two a moment."
I nod as I thank him, and Dr. Burhman exits the room leaving us alone.
"What should I do?" I look to Hayden with new tears filling my eyes and clouding my view of him.
"Oh Alice," He retakes my hand, pressing my knuckles to his lips. "What do you want to do? I'll be here for whatever you decide."
"I don't know what to do, Hayden." I drop my head into my free hand, letting my emotions go and allowing the welled tears to fall into my hand. "I don't want to lose our baby."
I can sense him standing in front of me before he wraps his arms around me, forcing me into his embrace, only causing me to cry harder. "There's nothing I can say to make this moment any less painful, but I can't decide this for you, Alice." His voice breaks as he speaks. "If you want to wait, I will wait with you. If you want medicine or surgery, I'll be there with you in the hospital. Whatever you choose, Alice, I'll be right here."
I just want our baby to be healthy and alive. I don't want to decide how we lose our baby.
"I'm sorry, Hayden," I cry into his chest. "I can't even give us a baby."
"Please don't say that." He cups my face moving my head from hiding in his chest to looking up at him. His mouth draws down on mine, his tears falling onto my face as he kisses me. "It's not your fault Alice. I don't blame you for anything, okay? What do you want to do, baby?"
"I just want to go home."
"Okay," He gently presses his lips to mine again, "I will talk to the doctor, and we can go home."
With more soft kisses to my lips and cheeks, he leaves to find the doctor, and I immediately put my clothes back on. I don't want to decide anything. I don't want to bear this burden.
When Hayden came back with the doctor, I didn't get to go home. Instead, I had to sit through him, explaining more burdensome information, talking about his suggestions, and a list of grieving counselors and support groups I should research. He spoke more on recovery time and urged that I quickly decide what to do for my physical and mental health.
I didn't cry as he spoke or even when Hayden and I were in the car on the way home, and he held me close to him. Or even when we made it back, and the roses in the foyer reminded me that today is my birthday.
"Do you want to eat?"
"No, thank you, Hayden. I think I'm just going to lie down."
"Okay, I'm going to be in my study. If you need or want anything, please come to me or call me if you don't feel like moving." He offers, and I respond with a thankful nod, staring down at the floor, unable to keep his gaze.
Before I can escape to the bedroom, he grabs hold of my arm, capturing me in his loving, solicitous embrace. His arms are so protective he doesn't have to say anything as he hugs me. I understand he is hurting at the loss of our baby, but he's more concerned for me. He's worried about how I'm feeling, about knowing what's the right thing to say to relieve me of this pain, and worried about how to deal with this in a way where he won't lose me. I can feel all of this from his hug alone.
I wish I had it in me to ease his worries, but I can't help the guilt and shame that overtakes me when I look at him. Although the doctor explained that it isn't my fault, and sometimes these things happen unexpectedly, my mind keeps analyzing what I could have done differently to stop this from happening.
His hands pull us apart, putting distance between us, and come up to my face, "We will get through this together, Alice, don't shut me out, please. Don't force yourself to experience your pain alone."
Desiring to ease his mind, I lie, "I'm fine right now Hayden, I don't know how to feel, but I think I got over the initial shock before we left the doctor's office."
"Okay." Is all he says. Most times, Hayden has an uncanny ability to decipher my feelings before I can, so I know he doesn't believe a word I'm saying. But he doesn't push me to say anything else, and I'm thankful for it right now. Ever so gently, he peppers my face and mouth with his soft lips, and I hate that I'm causing him sadness.
After I make my way to the bedroom, I lie on top of the covers, enveloping myself in the fur throw. Out of all of the thoughts and feelings overtaking my mind, I can recognize that I feel hurt. I'm distressed and disheartened over our loss, and I feel desolate even though Hayden reassures me that he's here. The baby that brought us together is no longer with us and hasn't been for the past weeks we spent together. All of those mornings with Hayden kissing my stomach or Naomi rubbing my belly, wanting to know when her sibling will grow, are no longer. The sickness I experienced in the mornings or my loss of appetite during the day are experiences I'll no longer have. Oh, the things I would give to sustain my morning sickness all over again if it meant this wasn't the outcome.
I don't want to know that this is happening to me. I don't want to wait for the day when I lose our baby for good. I don't want to endure this, but please, God, let us make it through this.
______________
I'm not sure how long I laid there in the bed. I heard Hayden come in the room to check on me twice, and both times I pretended to be asleep. I didn't move from that balled up position until my phone rang and I saw that it was Mr. Alexander calling. "Hello?"
"Happy birthday, my love. Are you free for your ritual birthday dinner, or do we have to take a reign check cause you're busy with Hayden?" He sounds so happy on the other end. I wish I could share his enthusiasm.
"Um, no, I don't want to celebrate anything right now."
"Okay, how about you don't think of it as a celebration, just the two of us catching up because it's long overdone, and I miss seeing your beautiful face." When I think about it, I am a little hungry, and I haven't seen Mr. Alexander for some time in the last two weeks. It may be helpful to see him. "Hayden can come too if he's free."
"Fine," I sit up for the first time, feeling a slight headache as I move. "I'll have to see what Hayden says. I'll text you in a bit."
"Okay, see you soon." After we hang up, I make my way down the steps when I bump into a solid, broad frame.
"Oof," He lets out the cutest sound at the contact, holding onto me to protect me from falling backward. He was coming up to the room to check on me again. He is too sweet for me. "Good morning," He chuckles lightly.
"I was just coming to look for you," I explain. "Do you want to go to dinner with Mr. Alexander?"
"Just me?"
"No, both of us. It's a dinner I'd usually have with my dad and David but–"
"Oh." He cuts in, already seemingly aware. "Of course, I will come, Alice, but are you sure you want to go?"
"I'll text him on the way there," I walk around Hayden to go down the remainder of the steps. "I'm like ninety percent certain of where it's going to be. Did you finish your work, or should I wait for you in the car?"
"I finished." He still hasn't moved from his place on the steps as he answers. I can tell he has something else on his mind, but he's apprehensive to say what it is. His thoughts and feelings are written all over his face. It's a significant difference from the cold, impassive expression he always wore. I like being able to recognize that Hayden, too, experiences normal feelings and emotions.
Throughout the drive to the restaurant, Hayden still kept his thoughts to himself. I know it may be a little hypocritical since I'm concealing my genuine emotions from him, but I want to know what's on his mind. As we sit in the parking lot, I'm unable to stop myself from speaking, "I couldn't help but notice you're holding back."
The grip of his fingers interlaced with mine tighten momentarily at my statement. "Holding back?" He quirks a brow. "If I am, I think it's a matter of debating within myself if I can speak candidly or if I have to be protective of what I say to you."
"I'm not a piece of glass, Hayden. I'm not going to shatter if you ask me a question or speak your thoughts. I may not respond to it the way you want, but you're free to say whatever you want."
"Wow." He grumbles, shaking his head at me, dissatisfied with my response. "You sound more and more like my old self every passing day."
"Well, I guess now it's my turn to be the fuck up in this relationship." I impetuously snap.
"That was low, Alice." The silent intonation as he spoke, revealed to me how noxious my words were. I threw his painful past in his face. I was saying the words that he felt about himself for all of those years. I resurfaced the parts of him that he hated and worked so hard to change. "Forgive me for being concerned about you after the news we learned today."
Before I can apologize for my fiendish attitude with him, he steps out of the car closing the door behind him. Despite his vexation, he comes to the passenger side of his Lamborghini, opening the door and helping me out of the car. Once I'm out, standing upright, he lets go of my hand and walks ahead of me to get inside the restaurant.
Hayden is the last person in the world that I should be getting callous with, but I couldn't control the words that came out of me in the car. My thoughts, my emotions, and my feelings are all over the place. I can't seem to think of anything except pain—my pain. It's a selfish way of thinking since I'm not the only one experiencing this loss, but at the moment, I feel like I am. But I can't bring myself to tell Hayden I feel alone when he's here, actively trying and begging me to respond with him.
I silently thank him as he holds the restaurant door open for me, and even when he pulls my chair out at the table. Mr. Alexander is already sat with his drink in hand and oysters over ice in front of him. He rises from the chair to shake Hayden's hand before pulling me tightly into his embrace. "I know I saw you last week, but it feels like I haven't seen you in a long time."
The tightness of his arms around me almost makes me cry. His arms are unusually comforting. "Compared to how much time we used to spend together, it has been," I respond when we all take our seats. "How's Rose and my little Enzo?"
"They're both good. They were asleep when I left them. Rosalie can't help but feel a little exhausted dealing with him." Mr. Alexander chuckles, adding, "He's a wild child."
"Naomi and Enzo should have a play date and tire each other out," Hayden suggests, and they both erupted into laughter. As I laugh, the saddening thoughts hit me like a tidal wave. Everyone around me has their beautiful, healthy babies; Hayden, Mr. Alexander, Reign. I'm the only one who can't share in this happiness.
"That would be perfect," I force a smile. As I see Mr. Alexander pick up his drink again, the old thoughts come back to me. If I don't want to feel so much, I can stop myself from feeling altogether.
I call a waiter over just as Mr. Alexander asks the question I was hoping to avoid all night. "How's your pregnancy coming along, Alice?"
"It's not," I answer simply.
He stares back at me, eyes wide and mouth agape, lost for words. With much exasperation Hayden's eyes close as he drops his head into his hand, rubbing the sides of his temple. "Christ, Alice." He grumbles.
The waitress stands beside me, "Hi, how can I help you this evening?"
"What's the strongest alcohol in your collection?"
"Alice—" Hayden interposes, glowering at me. He wants to say more but stops himself.
"Fine," I scoff at his disapproving eyes. "I'd like a dry gin martini, please. Up, one olive, and stirred."
"Yes, ma'am." She turns to Hayden, "What can I get you to drink, Sir?"
"Scotch, neat."
"If you'd like a refill, Mr. Alexander, I can bring that over as well, and I'll take your orders when I come back with your drinks." She smiles politely, though I know she can feel the thick tension swallowing us up in the room.
No sooner after she walks away, Mr. Alexander turns his attention to me, "Alice, I'm sorry."
"Thank you, but I'm fine."
"Uh," He's stupified, unsure of what to say. "Really?"
"Maybe you can convince her to stop lying to herself." Hayden is angry with me. I'm not sure if he's annoyed that I'm drinking or if it's the intention behind my drinking. "I've been trying since this afternoon to incite her to say what's on her mind."
"Well, we can't force her to say something she isn't ready to say." David partially comes to my defense. "How are you feeling, Hayden?"
"If Alice, the one who's physically experiencing the loss, says she's fine, why do I have any right to feel lost or to grieve? Who am I to feel dejected or anything when she doesn't feel the same way?" It's not that I don't feel the same way, I want to say aloud, but I'm not ready to accept my failure. I failed us, Hayden. I disappointed our family. "I know this isn't about me, but is she relieved to not have a child with me? Have I forced her into yet another situation she didn't want?"
The tears well up in my eyes, hearing how devastated he is, but I struggle to find the words to make him feel better. Being a parent with him was one of the only things I wanted and was looking forward to. But for some reason unknown to both of us, I can't give him this desire. Instead of saying anything, I pick up my drink that the waitress brought over, taking my first sip of alcohol in over three years.
"It's your loss, too, Hayden. Maybe Alice isn't ready to accept the situation, but that doesn't mean she doesn't care or she never wanted the baby. You're both experiencing your pain differently, don't shut your feelings down because she's not coping the same way you are."
"I'm not used to this. I'm usually the one keeping my thoughts to myself, and she's the one expressing herself," His hand comes up to my face as I continue drinking, stroking my cheek fondly. "I know I'm ruining her the more she stays with me. I bring her nothing but pain and misery. She was doing perfectly fine before I forced her to be with me."
You're not forcing me. I was miserable without you.
"Forgive me for speaking on your behalf Alice, but you're not forcing her to be with you, Hayden. She's a grown girl," He lets out a soft chuckle as he says this. They're speaking about me as if I'm not sitting right here. "She's capable of making her own decisions, and she wouldn't put herself in a relationship she doesn't want to be in."
"Alice," Mr. Alexander turns his attention from Hayden to me, pulling the cup back from my mouth. "I don't want to see you revert to the mute girl who can't handle her emotions. Take your sentiments at your pace but don't shut this man out. You're experiencing the same hurt, so heal together."
I can hear what he's saying, but the drink is already starting to interfere with my mind. I guess my tolerance level has changed since it's been this long. I swallow more of the strong gin down before I speak, "How did I lose our baby, and it turns into a Hayden thing?" That wasn't what I wanted to say.
"What do you mean?"
I drink more. "I lose the baby, and now we're here listening to him moan about forcing me into this relationship. I don't want to deal with any of this shit right now." That isn't what I meant either.
"Hey," His tone is scolding. "I know you're hurting Alice, but he is too. Don't take it out on him. For once, you're mourning the same loss, experience the pain with him. Tighten your bond through this."
I know he's right. I should be speaking to Hayden about how I feel. We should be experiencing this loss together, but I'm angry with myself, and I see I'm taking it out on him. I'm furious with myself for not knowing and for not being adequate for motherhood. I'm angry with myself for ruining our family, for taking away this joy from Hayden and Naomi and myself.
"Do you think Kris and I were on the same page every time she miscarried? Of course not, that's why I was cheating on her with your mother. Don't escape, my love."
Instead of catering to either one of our feelings tonight, I decide to continue drinking. And I thought that I could have a good birthday for once.