She really wants me to adopt her daughter? Doesn't she think this is an odd request to ask of the woman who was at the time dating the man who impregnated her? Does Hayden know about this? Is this something he would ever ask her to do? Is he okay with this? I have so many questions, but I can't seem to find my voice.
"What?"
"I know this seems strange Alice, but Naomi adores you. When she's with me, you and her father are all she talks about. I get a little jealous because I sometimes wish I could be that way with her but I don't have that drive or desire."
"Don't you think this will confuse her?" She's already aware of who her mother is, how can she expect me to fill that role when I haven't even been in her life for long?
"I'll always be the woman who birthed her, but you will be the mother who raised her. She's still young Alice, she'll adjust to the change easily." She tells me but I'm not convinced. I don't want to play a role in hurting her. Even if she's too young to understand it now, it will hurt her in the future.
"I'm sure you could tell I've been limiting my time with her for a while now." I noticed. When I first came she was with Naomi on the weekends and then slowly but surely it turned into one day or half a day or no time at all. I had assumed she was busy, not that she was already trying to distance herself from her.
I remember those nights I would overhear Hayden explaining to Naomi in his own words, "Mommy wants you to sleep over but she's busy with work and she needs more quiet time so she can shower you with all of her love and attention next week." Hearing him say that would make her so happy because she knew she'd see her mother soon. To now learn she was purposely trying to keep her distance makes my heartache for her.
As someone who's had a mother disappear for years, I don't know if I feel comfortable doing this. Sure, I love Naomi, but to adopt her and be her legal guardian because her mother doesn't want her? "I don't know about this. I'm sorry Una, I feel like I'm being put in a very awkward position."
"I'm not going to force you into anything, the decision is up to you. Just know that if you say yes, I've already signed off my rights as her mother." She really doesn't want her? Naomi is a beam of light, she's beautiful and smart, what is there to not love about her?
I don't think I will ever comprehend how a mother can have a child, raise the child, and then leave as if their child means nothing. Those feelings they're putting their child through after abandoning them should mean something to them but it doesn't.
"She loves you, Una, you're her mother no one can ever replace that. Are you okay with knowing she'll grow up hating you for leaving her?"
"You may never understand this, but everyone isn't meant to be a parent and not everyone in the world wants to be one. Some people are better at parenting than others, that's just how life works Alice."
No matter how much I despise these words I know that they're true. Hayden made a choice to have a child regardless of what Una wanted. But she's right about one thing, it's something I will never completely fathom. I don't mean to judge her for her choice but there are so many things I don't understand about this. The number one thing I fail to understand is why. Why put a child through this, especially one that has a strong love and attachment for you.
"And I think Hayden is doing an incredible job raising her as he will continue to do the older she gets. But she's going to need a mother figure, she's going to need you." She adds.
I cross my arms over my chest still shaking my head. This is a lot to spring on an unsuspecting person all at once. There are so many thoughts swarming my mind right now I can't think clearly. The only concept I can grasp right now is poor Naomi.
"Listen, I have to go but here are the adoption papers, if you decide your answer is yes." She hands me a thick orange clasp envelope. "For the record, I had no idea Hayden was in a relationship and if I knew I would have never gotten involved. I don't like to be a homewrecker, my mother was one."
She's out of the door before I could get another word in leaving my mind reeling with unsureness and even more questions. I know a lot about Naomi since I'm here, but to be her mother? To raise her as if she were my own child after leaving her father because she came into existence? Is this something that Hayden and Naomi would want? I feel so conflicted, I can't decide the right thing to do.
She said she took precautions years ago to ensure that she didn't get pregnant, so I can't fully blame her for having a child, but if you never wanted her why choose to stay in her life for these years? She won't have many memories of her mother as she gets older, but she'll always have her face etched into her mind, or her dreams, or her nightmares. She'll always see the woman who left her behind, the woman that never wanted her.
I close myself in my study looking over the papers Una left for me to sign. I'm still unsure if I should actually sign them but I can't lie and say I'm not leaning more towards doing it. I want to speak with Hayden first to know how he feels about this. It will make for a very interesting conversation for our date, especially if he doesn't know she's asking me to do this. Does he know? Could this be the reason he was out with her until the early hours of the morning?
I idly wonder what my parents would think if I were to adopt Hayden's daughter. My dad would love the idea but I can't say for certain if my mother would. She had a sadistic habit of reminding me of any seemingly destructive decision I could potentially make or have made. Notwithstanding her cynical personality, I find myself calling her hoping to—for once—get an unbiased opinion.
"Hello." She answers distractedly.
"Hey Mom, it's me."
"Oh, to what do I owe the pleasure of hearing from my only daughter that abandoned me for a man." Here she goes.
"Well, I learned from the best." I bite back unable to help myself.
"I can't even be angry with you for that one, it was well deserved." I only chuckle after hearing her laugh from the other side of the phone. "How are you doing? Find any work?"
"No, I think I'm too picky. I have something that I want in mind so anything else just doesn't feel like enough to me."
"You want your own practice." She concludes without my having to say it. "Your dad left you pretty much everything he possessed, you have more than enough to do it. What are you waiting for?"
"Maybe to not be pregnant," I respond jokingly. I will have to take off from work for some time after giving birth anyway. I might as well just wait.
"How is your pregnancy coming along?" I feel like this may be one of the only times my mother and I can engage in normal conversation without one of us starting a fight. "Any morning sickness?"
"Nausea I felt in the second month has gone away, I only have some cramping at night. My breast isn't getting tender or anything. I don't even really feel pregnant, I just know the baby is growing in there. Is that weird?"
"I mean everyone is different, I experienced a lot of cramping and some blood when I was pregnant with you. But I also had really bad morning sickness where I couldn't eat anything at all. What has your doctor said?"
Right. A doctor. I haven't met with one since moving here. I still have my prenatal vitamins from my last doctors visit in LA. "You had an appointment since you moved there right?"
"Not yet, they didn't have any availability last month." I lie. Since she can be so hypercritical sometimes I lie trying to avoid her judgment.
"Now that we're past all the small talk," I don't give her a moment to comment on my fabrication. "I actually called you for a reason."
"Oh really?" Her skepticism isn't hidden in her response. "That's surprising, what is it?"
"What would you think if I were to adopt Naomi?"
Her end goes quiet. I pull the phone away from my ear to see if maybe it was disconnected. Of course, it wasn't. I mentally prepare myself for the devilish rude comments that may come from her as she gives me her—usually—unsolicited advice, but this time I asked for it. "Mom?" I prompt her to speak.
"Yeah, I'm here." She finally responded. "I'm sorry, I never thought you would come to me to seek advice about something so serious."
"I decided to be optimistic that you'd be able to give your honest opinion without being biased or hateful." My response may be discourteous but I'm honest. I pride myself on being honest about my feelings at all times regardless of how it makes others feel and unfortunately my mother is no exception to that rule.
"Believe it or not Alice, I've accepted Hayden's role in your life. You're an adult and you have to make mistakes and choices on your own. I don't think to adopt his daughter is a horrible thing but why would you want to do this?"
"Naomi's mother asked me to." I wonder if a time in the future would have come where this was a thought I came to my own. Would I have gotten to the place in our relationship where I decided I wanted to take on the role as not a stepmother but her mother? I'll never know because it's been brought up to me now but it certainly makes me intrigued.
Why would I want to do this? I repeat her question in my head. This entire time I've been thinking about how Naomi would feel if she were to grow up feeling like she had no one. I resonated with her future self. Even though I had so many people in my corner, when it mattered most, I had no one. Sure, my dad was there but the one that I wanted to talk with and spend time with wasn't.
Thinking back on my experience, I decided that I want to be that person for Naomi. I want to be someone she can come to for anything without reservation. If she's scared, sad, or depressed, if she's having a hard time with school, if she wants to play, if she's going through puberty, if she's having boy or girl trouble, I want to be there for her. I want to be someone she can lean on and depend on. I want to raise her as my own and love her as my own without feeling like I'm intruding in their family. I want Naomi and Hayden to be my family.
"But getting the chance to think about it, I love Naomi. I can, without hesitation, say that even if something were to happen between me and Hayden I would still want her to be a part of my life."
"Then I don't think any opinion other than yours and Hayden's should matter. Whether you come to me or Reign or a trusted friend or therapist, nothing we say should influence this decision because it's yours to make. It's your life Alice, you have to live it the way you think is best for you."
I sometimes forget how wise and great my mother can be when I always focus on her negative attributes. I have to come to this decision on my own, it's a covenant that only involves me and Hayden. "Thank you, I needed to hear this."
"Thank you for coming to me." She sounds like a whole new person compared to how she is when the topic of Hayden is brought up. I love this side of her. "If that's all, I have to go prep for my date tonight."
"You have a date?"
"I've been seeing someone for a while now. We're starting to get serious."
"You? In a serious monogamous relationship?" I chuckle as if the idea of something like this is completely unheard of. "How old is he?" I have to ask because I happen to know my mother is a cougar.
"Not that it's any of your business, he's fifty-two."
"Holy shit." My laughter is loud and hard, my head falling back in amusement as my hand clutches my stomach. "I thought you would rather die before getting back in bed with a man your age."
"Well, he's not like other men. He's young at heart, has the perfect amount of energy to keep up with me, and not to mention he's drop-dead gorgeous."
"You'll have to send me a picture after your date."
"I will keep me updated after your doctors visit." Good thing she reminded me again. Making an appointment already slipped my mind.
"Yup, I will. Bye Mom, talk to you later."
"Bye honey, love you."
"Love you too," I respond and hang up, immediately calling my old doctor's office to ask them for their next available appointment regardless of the time.
I found myself in a YouTube black hole and when I check my phone again there's a message from Hayden. He says the only thing he'll tell me about his plans for tonight is that we'll be having dinner in the city. He's coming at 6:00 and our dinner reservation is at 6:30.
After showering I squeeze myself into a short lilac ruched bodycon dress—something I'm only able to pull off being this early in my pregnancy. To prevent a wardrobe malfunction, I adjust the spaghetti straps and even still my breast spill out of the top. Gazing myself up and down in the mirror I find myself amazed by my appearance. I haven't felt or looked this sexy since before he and I became official.
I tie my hair up in a high wavy ponytail and reapply my nude lipstick. Since it's cold out I cover myself with a black trench coat and dress in heels before going downstairs to wait for Hayden.
To my surprise, he was already here, reaching for his own jacket from the hallway closet. I didn't hear the alarm beep the way it usually does whenever a door leading outside opens in the house. I wonder how long he's been here. He hasn't taken notice of my presence so I make it known to him, "Hey."
"Hey," He peeks over from the side of the door.
"Jesus Christ." Taking a step back from the closet door he averts all of his attention on me. The beautiful blue in his eyes slithering away while the darkness of his pupils dilates. I can't help the blush staining my face as I stand under his libidinous gaze.
Stepping closer to me, his arm snakes around my waist beneath the jacket, his hand cupping and squeezing the mound of my backside. A moan slips past my lips as his mouth attacks mine, his tongue a welcome evasion. "I am lost for words." He tells me, his breath fanning my lips as he talks in close proximity to my mouth. "I can't seem to find the perfect words to describe how beautiful you are."
"Those are good enough." I smile, bringing my hands up to his face, and this time I initiate the kiss but stop myself short as my lips are about to meet his. "If we don't leave now I'm afraid we'll miss our reservation."
"Just one more." He implores. Chuckling, I give in, sealing my lips to his, his mouth moving urgently against mine. I moan into his mouth as his tongue caress gently over mine in contrast to the rough grip of his hand on my ass.
I hear him sigh, discontented with me breaking the kiss. I could feel where that kiss was heading and as much as I would love to fuck him anywhere or way, I am kind of hungry. "Let's go eat, please."
"The car is out front." He informs me, slowly moving my hands from the nape of his neck. My heart flutters as his lips gently kiss the back of my hand, "I'm one blessed man."
I can say the same for myself, I'm one very lucky woman. He grabs his wool coat by two fingers and drapes it over his shoulder. Hayden helps me into the passenger seat of his Lamborghini, closing the door for me before getting into the driver's seat and taking off into the night.
With his hand groping my exposed thigh as he drives I struggle to keep my titillation at bay. "Hayden," I rest my hand on top of his, entwining our fingers, putting a stop to his movements. Now I can finally think about something other than sex. "Will you come with me to my appointment on Monday?"
"Of course baby." For some reason this makes me smile. He doesn't ask for any other details but commits himself to be with me at my appointment. It will only be my second one since finding out I was pregnant. Now I will be able to experience it and hear the baby's heartbeat with Hayden there. "I will be there with you for every visit, I will always make time for you and our family."
I internally swoon at his words. I'm so in love with Hayden but everything feels different this time around. The love I have for him is way better and less toxic than before. "Such a great boyfriend." I cooed.
"I can be more than that if you want." He mutters quietly but I heard him clearly.
"What did you say?" I pretend I didn't hear it. He should say it with his chest.
"Nothing." Even in the dark, I can see he's feeling embarrassed. I decide not to speak on it and let him believe I didn't hear what he said. The remainder of the drive to the restaurant is quiet, and when we get to the restaurant, the hostess takes our jackets before escorting us to our table in a private room.
The name Canlis is now starting to ring a bell as I hear the live piano playing on a speaker in the isolated room and the view of outside from our table. He and I have been here many times before, I assume this restaurant is one of his favorites.
The waitress goes over the special handing us a menu, "Can I start you off with a drink Mr. Stymest?"
"I'll take the usual and a glass of water." Hayden answers.
"Water with lemon for me," I respond.
"Sure, I'll be back with your drinks." After she leaves and as we look over the menus I take this as the time to bring up what Una said earlier.
"I can't get over how spellbinding you look," Hayden speaks first, his eyes drinking me in, landing on my cleavage. "Jesus, I can't stop looking at you."
"Well, maybe I should dress like this more often." Come to think of it, I don't own much lingerie to wear. I know he likes that type of stuff and I like the reaction I get from him when I wear something as simple as a nightgown. The last time I tried to surprise him it didn't go well at all. Maybe I should try again.
Something in my mind brings me back to the important topic I wanted to discuss with him instead of thinking of lingerie. "There's something I want to talk to you about."
"Sure baby, why is it?"
"Una came by after you left."
"Did she?" By the tone of his response, he already knew she would be coming over.
"She asked me to adopt Naomi, and I wa—"
"What?" He cuts me off. Okay . . . maybe he didn't know?
"You don't like the idea?"
"That's not it Alice, I didn't know that's why she wanted to speak with you. I would've given you a heads up, at least." If he knew she wanted to meet with me he should have given me a heads up regardless of her reasoning.
"She asked me to introduce you, and I was going to bring it up to you tonight." He explains. "That's not something you spring on someone suddenly, especially since the two of you have never officially met before."
"I thought the same thing at first," I answer honestly. I don't get to finish the rest of my comment as the knocks sounded outside of the door and we get interrupted by Emma, the waitress, joining us in the room with drinks and a salad tray. "Thank you," I mutter as she places our drinks down.
"Are we ready to order?"
"I'll take the oyster Rockefeller with a side of macaroni and cheese," I order first.
"I'll have the prime rib with a side of the garlic butter vegetables."
"Anything for dessert?" Emma asks.
"None for me." Hayden is the first to speak. "Alice?"
"No thanks." While she mixes the salad in front of us I squeeze the fresh lemons into my water, a little jealous as I watch Hayden sip his alcohol. It's been so long since I had a drink . . . maybe if I could just have a taste from his mouth.
Goodness, I really do sound like a recovering alcoholic sometimes. Of course, I'm no Gallagher when it comes to drinking, but the way I miss how drinking would make me feel is a little disconcerting.
"Okay, I will be back shortly with your dinner." She sets the bowls of salad in front of us before leaving us alone again.
"I would love to adopt her if that's something you would want me to do." I pick up where we left off the moment she finishes and is on her way out of the door.
"Alice," He grabs one of my hands from my lap, putting a stop to the nervous fidgeting I believed I was hiding under the table. "I think you misapprehend my love for you and my gluttonous desire to have you in my life forever in every way possible. This is something that I selfishly wanted the day I found out I was having a child with you. You shouldn't be thinking about what I want because when it comes to you my answer is always yes. Is this something that you really want?"
"I do." Tears were threatening to burst through after hearing his response. He always has a way with words that can change my outlook on things, ease my fears and insecurities, and make me feel loved and worshipped.
"Then I think that's the only answer you need baby." He chuckles wiping away at the tears that forced its way through after I tried so hard to keep them from falling. He wraps an arm around my shoulder squeezing me gently into the side of him. "It's all going to work out just fine, baby."
The conviction in his voice as he reassures me of this makes it easy for me to believe his words. Everything is going to be fine. I will continue to work improve my relationships with everyone around me, Hayden, Naomi, my mother, and whoever else comes into the picture. It won't be Hayden and Naomi and then me, we will be a family now along with our new baby.