I had enough time to think about how I was going to break everything down to my mother but how she's going to take it is something I can't anticipate. All I know is she won't like it, scratch that, she'll hate it. She'll give me every reason why I shouldn't be doing this, she'll probably even throw in there that I'm being manipulated, but my mind is already made up. I'm going to be with Hayden and we're going to have a baby together.
I've asked my mother to pick me up from the airport and offered to take her out to dinner as a way to ease her into my news.
"You won't even believe how coarse and disgusting he was," She complains to me about a man she tried dating over the weekend. I'm not interested in this type of talk coming from her but I take it because I know she has no one else.
My mother doesn't like to make friends with the women in her age range. Apparently, they're too old for her and they won't have anything in common. I think she's afraid to grow up. In her mind, she's still young so she bases her life and decisions on that idea.
"Well Mom, that's what happens when you use Tinder to find a lover." I've had one too many awful one nights stands on that app to never use it again.
"Yeah, I'll just have to try a different dating app."
"Or you could meet men your age in person like normal people." It's always awkward when my mom brings a guy over to my place since she doesn't want to meet them alone for the first time. They are usually around my age so they look at me first as if I'm the one they're supposed to have this fling with. One of the most awkward times was one of the men swiped right on me and my mother so he thought we were going to have a threesome. It was a moment I wish to forget ever happened.
"I don't like men my age."
"Yes I know you don't, but it was worth a shot." She thinks men her age aren't as sexually relatable as her. She needs someone young with a lot of energy. And I get that, but I don't think she needs to go twenty years younger than her. It's almost surprising how many young guys are looking for an older woman. "One day Mom, we are going to have an in-depth assessment on why you decided to mess around with younger men."
"I have the libido of a young teen Alice, I can't wait for a man to pop in some viagra for us to have sex since you want to delve into this discussion."
"So you'd rather put up with men who are using you for your wealth and a place to live?" The way she judges my relationship, you'd think she had her life all figured out and perfect.
"Anyway, how was your trip?" She's quick to switch topics. "What did you go there to do?"
Here goes the inevitable.
"I had to go see Hayden," I say getting straight to the point without giving too much away. I wish we were in the restaurant sitting down and not in her car.
"Oh." Her displeasure and disappointment are heard clearly in that single word. "Please don't tell me he's convinced you to get back with him after everything he's put you through."
"He didn't convince me of anything Mom, it was my decision."
"Oh Jesus Alice," she rolls her eyes, not bothering to look at me. "You do understand a man who's manipulative and controlling has a way of forcing you into things but making you feel like it's your idea?"
"I'm pregnant." I blurt the words out, holding out a glimpse of hope that she'll start to see things my way once she hears it. Maybe, just maybe, she'll be happy for me, for us.
"Did he impregnate you on purpose?"
"Mom! Really?!" I practically shout at her. She will never root for my happiness. "Neither he nor myself knew I was no longer protected by my birth control. He didn't do this on purpose nor would he ever do something like that."
"And you know this for a fact?" She questions. Now I'm the one rolling my eyes at her.
"Yes, I'm one hundred percent sure of this. Can you give him a break?"
"I never liked him for you, Alice, I saw things in him that you wouldn't allow yourself to see because you were in love." She begins to defend her hatred of him. "I knew he wasn't going to be faithful to you, I saw a lot of myself in him."
"But Mom, unlike you—" I cut myself off, not wanting to be a complete bitch to her while trying to defend Hayden. She won't believe anything that I say about him because her mind is still stuck on who she thought he used to be. I sigh and continue talking, "Hayden has changed so much and I see it. He still loves me and wants to be with me and I feel the same way about him. He's already an amazing father and I want to raise this baby with him."
She sighs obnoxiously loud and I add, "I can't believe I was naive enough to think you could ever be happy for me."
"Oh Alice, don't be so dramatic. You never cared about what I thought of your relationship and you still don't. If you thought I would be happy for you that's just a sign that you're looking for acceptance because deep down you know it's not what's best for you."
"Okay, how about we skip dinner, and you take me home?" I did not want to be attacked this way by telling her my news. I knew it wasn't going to go well but I still hoped for some kind of happiness from her. If she weren't going to be happy for me and Hayden, maybe she'd at least be excited that she's going to be a grandmother.
"Seriously?" She stares at me quizzically as if I'm being dramatic. "Ugh," She grunts, "I'll order takeout at your apartment and blame your attitude on your pregnancy."
"Fine," I only give in because I'm hungry. The nuts and gum I ate on the plane could only suffice my hunger for oh-so-long.
The rest of the car ride back to my apartment was quiet, she helped me carry my bags up the steps then ordered from a burger house a few blocks away. I didn't know what else there was that could be said between us. Her mind is made up about Hayden, my relationship, and now the baby—claiming that he did it on purpose to trap me into being back with him. That was never even a thought in the back of my mind. Hayden would never do that especially when he already has a daughter he deals with on his own.
He may have wanted me back but purposefully impregnating me sounds like something Lina would have done. I would never put her and Hayden on the same level.
"Alice," My mother's voice breaks me from my thoughts.
"Hmm?"
"There's nothing I can say to make you change your mind?"
"No, Mom, and I don't see why you would want to either. I was so miserable without Hayden and I finally get the chance to be with him. I am not giving that up again. He was the first man that I've ever loved so hard, he was my fiancé and I wanted him to be my husband and the father of my children. That doesn't just go away."
"Look, I get that, but the timing of all of this is just so weird to me. Why after all of this time?"
"It just happened," I mutter. I have to fight myself about mentioning our thirteen to sixteen-year gap when she left my dad and me for her freedom with men. Why did she come back after all of that time? Wasn't it the love she had for my dad or did she have ulterior motives? "As you said before, if love is enough we'll find a way back to one another, and this is it. It's happening for us."
The previous frown on her face settles and that was when I knew she gave in. She knows now that I'm serious about being with Hayden again and there is nothing that she or anyone else can say to make me change my mind. "When are you leaving?"
"I'm not sure yet. I have to give in my two weeks notice at work and I'm also taking a trip to Chicago to visit Reign."
"Aren't you leaving for that next weekend?"
"Yes, they're just going to have to find someone sooner than they expected."
"Well, that'll be easy for them." She reminds me of the office keeping applications on file in case of emergencies since they're a hospital.
Our conversation switches from Hayden and the baby to work and then somehow we ended up talking about my dad over dinner. I was thankful for the topic change and the fact that we were both talking passionately about the love we had for my dad. That happens to be one of the top things my mother and I have in common.
It wasn't until my mother left did I get a FaceTime call from Hayden. I was feeling not only giddy about speaking to him but I couldn't hide my jubilee knowing that he was going to be mine again. And not in an ownership sort of way, but in a loving way. I am his and he is mine, again. "Hi, baby." His words come through the phone, dark, raspy, and sexy as hell. Where was that energy when he needed it?
"Hi, Hayden."
"I miss your beautiful face already." I blush shyly at his compliment, tucking a strand of hair behind my ear. "What are you up to?"
"I'm typing up my resignation email. You?"
"I put Naomi to bed and I can't stop thinking about you."
"Good thoughts I hope?" It came out in the form of a question. After his get up—or lack of—in the bathroom this morning I don't know what he feels of me.
"I went to see Dr. James." He says instead of answering the question about his thoughts unless there's some sort of connection between the two.
"How did it go?"
"Well, baby. I have to do it differently than the last time."
"Do what differently?" I am very curious to know.
"Our relationship." He tells me. "I will be a better man to you and I will put my trust in you."
"You promise?"
"I promise." My heart melts seeing his big smile through my phone screen. Despite what happened this morning I am excited to try again with Hayden. It's going to be different this time, it's going to be better.
- Hayden's point of view -
The moment after I dropped Alice off at the airport I drive straight to Dr. James house. I have to know what is wrong with me. I wouldn't be able to last another day knowing I couldn't stay hard for the one woman I want, the woman I love. This never happened to me with Alice, it's happened after she left me, but never while I was with her. Why did this have to be our last interaction? She's leaving me unsure of when she'll be back and I couldn't even stay erect to fuck her goodbye. What has become of me? Have I changed that much?
I hope she doesn't think it's her fault and blame herself or her appearance. She will forever be the most beautiful woman in my eyes. Usually, the mere thought of her perky breast is enough to raise me. I was hard, I was into it, and then it just stopped. My mind can't comprehend what the fuck went wrong.
"Hayden," His wife can't hide her surprise when she sees me standing in front of her door. "What are you doing here, how can we help you?"
"Is William around?"
"He's in his study. Is he expecting you?" She invites me in by opening the door further and stepping to the side. "Will! You have a guest!" She yells closing the door after me.
"Can I just go back there?" After Alice left I came around here more than I think any of them would have wanted me too. Dr. James was the only person I trusted and still trust to this day with my baggage. Besides Collin, he's the only person who's been constant in my left, never leaving me even when I was at my worst.
"Yeah sure, you know your way around. Can I get you anything?"
"No, thank you though." I walk down the hall to the study and knock on the door as I open it. If he were watching porn or jacking off he wouldn't have enough time to fix himself before I busted in without his permission.
"Hayden?" He questions and looks down at his cellphone. Most likely checking to see if I called or texted before showing up at his house. "I didn't expect to see you for another two weeks. What are you doing here?"
I almost consider only telling him part of what is on my mind but I know without the truth there's no point in my being here. "Where do I even start?" I question aloud.
Though it's not directed at him he answers anyway, "I'm going to make a wild assumption and say you're here because of something having to do with Alice?"
Is it really that obvious? "Yeah," I almost feel guilty for telling her business to him. Almost. "We are back together and she's moving here to be with me."
"I would ask how that happen but the pair of you are drawn to one another."
"And she's with child."
"Is it yours?" He's asking out of curiosity, there no hidden tone or judgment laced in his voice. The last he's heard of Alice was when I complained to him that she came for the wedding and she didn't want to be with me or my daughter. He told me I was moving too fast with her trying to force things instead of letting it naturally happen and now I'm telling him three months later that she's pregnant.
"She says I was the last person to be inside of her."
"So the wedding?"
"Yeah."
"Well, congratulations, for starters. This is all great news why are you here now, in my home without warning, two weeks before your next scheduled appointment?"
"She left today and when I tried to have sex with her I went flaccid and I can't comprehend why that happened. I know I'm attracted to her because she's beautiful as fuck and the thought of those nipp—"
"Hold the vivid descriptions, Hayden." He chuckles with his hands in the air signaling me to stop talking.
"Right, sorry." I apologize. "The point is I know it's not an attraction issue, why did this happen to me with Alice?"
"Without giving me too much information on your sexual activities what happened moments before you had limp-dick?" He says with a chuckle at the use of the phrase.
"I was hard, we were into it, she was on her knees about to take me into her mouth, then she said something and it was after that moment that I experienced my limp-dick as you call it."
"What did she say?"
"Something along the lines of 'I'm going to miss this when I'm gone'." I don't really recall what she said because I wasn't listening and I so into it the moment, but I tuned in when she said miss this.
"How do you feel about hearing her say that?"
"That it was going to be the last time. She said she was coming back but the last time she left she wasn't coming back."
I find myself speaking unable to stop the words as they just pour out of my mouth like tap water, "I really think she only came back because she's with child. We were going back and forth and I gave her a fucked up ultimatum and the next day she decided to move back and be with me."
I never want a woman to feel obligated to be with me because they're having my baby. The ultimatum I gave Alice was said out of anger but at the moment it was the only way I saw it working. Either she leaves the baby with me or she comes back to co-parent together. That doesn't mean I forced her to be my girlfriend or to move in with me . . . or did I?
I don't know anything, my mind is clouded, it's difficult to even think. I haven't been this mind-fucked in a long while.
"And you're worried—what? That you're moving too fast? That she won't come back to you like the last two times?"
"Maybe it's that I fear she will go back to California and remember all of the shit I put her through and she won't come back. Olivia never came back."
"Alice isn't Olivia, Hayden. She isn't Heather, or your parents, or anyone else that left you never to return. You were too focused on her leaving that you couldn't savor her time there with you."
I do have a habit of comparing Alice to everyone else that has come and gone. She is nothing like anyone else though. Alice constantly comes back to me even after leaving, yet I can't stop thinking of her as someone who will leave me for good. I've been burned one too many times for me to trust her when she says she'll stay.
"You're too in your head. Relax Hayden, take a breath and believe her when she tells you something."
I have to trust her. That's where I went wrong the first time. I trusted Alice partly, but now I need to learn to trust her wholly. It's the only way we will work.