"Just love me, I want to be with you..."
(Kendrick Lamar - LOVE. ft Zacari)
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The weekend approached quicker than I thought it would and here I am in the bar of my hotel drinking water from a straw waiting on Hayden to arrive so I could break the news. I've already prepared and practiced my speech one hundred times since on the plane. I didn't call him in advance to let him know I was coming. I didn't call him to let him know I had something important to talk about with him. I simply left a text with my hotel address and asked him to meet me here at 7. He never replied to my text message so I still have no idea if he's going to show.
The bar is filling up with other people and a group returning from an early wedding to continue getting hammered before dispersing to their rooms. I find myself watching this group of people, wondering what my wedding night would have been like. It's a sad thing to look back on. It almost makes me want to drink since I'm surrounded by all of this alcohol, but I stick with my water, to prove to myself and Dr. Lisa that I'm not an alcoholic.
She's under the impression that I'm an alcoholic but I'm not. I can turn down a drink and I haven't had one since my hospitalization. If I were an alcoholic surely I would be drinking regardless of being pregnant.
"Is this seat taken?" His deep voice sends a shiver down my spine. My body reacts to him just like usual, goosebumps rising on my skin, my pupils dilating showing off my fondness for him as I stare at the sightly man before me.
"Please, sit."
He takes his seat calling over the bartender with a signal of his fingers, "What are we drinking tonight?"
"I have a water." I inform him and the smallest trace of a smile is on his face. When he and I first met in the bar and he took my glass I was drinking water. Hard to believe that was over four years ago and I still get flushed when I'm around him.
"What can I get you?" The bartender questioned.
"Scotch, neat." He orders waiting for his drink before giving me his undivided attention. "The LA sun is doing you wonders, you are glowing Alice." He compliments.
"Thank you." I'm undecided if I want to come right out and say it or ease it into our conversation somehow. How do you ease pregnancy news into a conversation? "How have you been?"
With the shrug of his broad shoulders he answers, "I have my good days and bad days. You?"
"Same." On those few nights where I was crying over something I continuously ended, the days when I allowed myself to miss him, and curse myself for letting go of us, those were my bad days.
"I'm glad you reached out to me. I wanted to call you but I never wanted to intrude into your affairs." I would've loved a phone call. Unlike before, I would've answered and talked with him.
"You're always a welcome intrusion." And in this moment—with his beauteous eyes on me alight with longing, his hair sitting perfectly on his head, his beard short but fuller and darker than ever before—I wish to jump out of my chair and kiss him everywhere.
"Noted. I'll be sure to call you next time."
And as I begin to say the words of my big news, my brain and my mouth aren't connected, "Do you want to go up to my room?" I say instead.
"That's a bit presumptuous." He says with a chuckle. "I would love to."
Rising from our seats he finishes off his glass before we walk side by side to the elevators. Getting onto the elevator with a few drunk wedding party guest, he and I stand in the back. "Which floor?"
"Fourth." I answer the random man.
Hayden's eyes are on me the entire ride, watching every breath I take. Desire is pooling in the depths of my belly the closer we get to my door. I stumble with the keycard when he wraps his hand around my waist, forcing my ass to rub against his groin. He rolls himself into my backside and I can't help the small pleasured moan that escapes my mouth. This is not how this night is supposed to go.
I finally push the door open and he leads us inside pushing me up against the door forcing it closed. His mouth hungrily attacks mine, his yearn for me shown through his kiss. I slip my tongue past his parted lips, deepening the kiss, my tongue stroking and caressing his. He pulls back first putting a stop to us before clothing start flying off.
"Before we go any further I have something to tell you." He piqued my curiosity. My brows arch signaling him to continue. "I'm with someone . . . well sort of."
"Oh," I try to put space between us but I'm stuck between him and the door. I've been the girl at home with him and I didn't like it that's why I left. I can't tell him that I'm pregnant. If his new girl is anything like me, it'll break them up. "I don't want to be that person that causes you to cheat and then breakup your relationship."
"No, it's okay, she's knows I'm here."
"Oh?" This seems to be the only thing I could say.
"We have an understanding."
"You're in an open relationship?"
"Something like that." I would ask for more details but I don't want to know about it. Unlike him, I'd rather not hear about the other person or people in his life. "Are you okay with that?"
"Yes." Before the word is completely out of my mouth, his lips are on mine again, moving against mine fervently, and I kiss him back with equal passion. Every time I leave him, I find myself more drawn to him than ever before, and this time it's multiplied by ten.
One hand gropes my breast through my shirt, the other moving to the waistband of my pants, popping the button open. His fingers slide past my panties and stop before he gets down further, "You're bald." He chuckles at the observation.
"I was trying something new." I laugh kissing his lips again. My laughter is cut off by my sharp intake of breath the moment I feel his long finger encircle over my clitoris, a soft breathy moan escaping my parted lips. "We can skip the foreplay Hayden, I want you inside of me. I'm already wet for you."
"Whatever you want baby." He says removing his hand from my pants, then proceeds to walk me over to the bed. He gets down to his knees before me, slowly removing me of my clothing, his eyes staying on me the entire time, my hands in his hair barely grasping onto the strands to keep myself upright.
Goosebumps ride my skin, my nipples poking through the air and my clit pulsating in anticipation as his soft lips kiss up my upper thigh. A small giggle sounds from me as the strands of his hair tickle between my legs, "Come on and kiss me Hayden."
"Here?" He kisses higher up my thigh.
"No." I answer breathlessly, I want to force his mouth from my skin, but the way he's making me feel I can't bring myself to do it. His large hands roughly squeezing my legs, his nails digging into my flesh, soft lips kissing and teeth grazing my skin. "Higher."
"Here?" Dark, sinister eyes bore into mine as he moved up a little higher. I know I may have said to skip the foreplay but I think I was stupid when that left my mouth. A pure scream of arousal slipping past my open mouth the moment he tongued my center, before closing his lips and bussing my clitoris. I wanted to tell him to stop and to kiss my lips instead, but I'd rather him stay between the lips he's already worshipping with his lips and tongue.
Knowing that being here with him, falling back into our old ways, could lead me right back where I started, everything in me still pulls me to him. I am drawn to him even when I don't want to be. I could find myself trying to leave, but even then I still want to be with him. It's not just the sex either. The sex is fucking great but it's Hayden. Everything about him is everything that I need. I'm still so in love with him and his very being.
I can feel myself on the brink of my climax just by his mouth. His mouth has the power alone to have me coming at the seams, no fingers, no penetration, just his tongue on my sensitive nub. My eyes shut and I trap my lower lip between my teeth, pulling harder on the strands of his dark hair as his grip on my thighs tighten while they convulse as I come on his tongue. "Shit," I swear. That was fucking fast.
He rises from between my legs wanting to kiss me but I back away from his mouth, "Let me undress you."
He chuckles but doesn't object. My fingers move to the black buttons on his dark shirt, hungrily popping them open revealing his hair, chest, and abs. My hands run down his body in admiration for how much bigger he's gotten. Thank goodness cocks don't grow too, I don't think I'd be able too handle more of him. "So beautiful." I coo pressing my lips to his chest.
I see a little blush creep up his neck pushing me to continue, and I get down to my knees before him, face to face with the bulge straining against his pants and boxers. Now I'm the one who gets to admire him. Before hooking my hands in the waistband of his pants I press my lips against his bulge. I unbutton and unzip his trousers, removing him of both his pants and boxers simultaneously. His member bobs as it's released from its sheath, standing proud between us. So thick and veiny, my mouth waters at the sight of it.
I don't know what it is about his cock but every time I think of it or see it I want it in my mouth fucking the back of my throat. As if he can tell what I'm thinking he lifts me up by my arm so we're standing almost face to face. Because of our height difference I'm really looking at his chest, but that doesn't bother me none, it's a sexy sight.
"If your lips go anywhere near my cock I'll come just as fast as you did." There was something sardonic in his humor that made me even wetter than before.
"No fair," I pout, "I was looking forward to tasting your come." The words leave my mouth, for once no nerves or flushing following it.
"Fuck," He swears catching me a little by surprise when he picks me up into his arms. My hands wrapping around his muscular biceps, my lips pressing to his. With one hand he guides his phallus into my dripping wet center before holding onto my thigh again for support. He walks us to the bed, lying us both down, while thrusting himself in and out of me.
"You are my one weakness." He spills.
It's safe to say the feelings are mutual.
Stilling inside of me he speaks, "You are my poison and my medicine and I'm still trying to figure out how it's fucking possible."
I want to speak, to say anything but words fail me. I feel the same exact way about him. Being with him and loving him is poison but he's the only person that can cure me.
My hands grab ahold of either side of his face drawing his mouth closer to mine and kissing him. His thrust continue, as I work my mouth against his, reveling in the glorious feeling of him in me, filling me, loving me, skin on skin. My hips meet his unabated rhythm thrust for thrust, wallowing in the euphoria of all things Hayden.
I want to declare my love to him the way I usually do but I can't seem to find my voice. Subconsciously I don't want to ruin this moment we're in. I still have a secret I'm keeping from him and I don't know how he'll respond to it. I'm afraid of what he's going to say. I just wish we could stay this way forever; him inside of my walls, stretching my walls and filling me with all of him; his member, his admiration, his feelings, his semen, his love.
Hayden's mouth moves languidly against mine just as his thrust speed up, he's nearing his end but I'm too in my head to feel the same. As he pummels on, I move my hand between my legs, circulating over my clitoris—not only to get out of my own head but because I know Hayden likes it too. Unconsciously my eyes shut forcing me to give into the feeling of his thickness thrusting in and out of me in the most delicious rhythm and my fingers pleasuring my throbbing nub. I wanted to watch him come while I came too. I wanted to see his face or his eyes as he exploded inside of me, leaving his arousal in me.
I quiver beneath him, moaning his name breathlessly, "Oh Hayden." My center convulsing, I barely notice his member no longer inside of me until hot semen shoots out straight to my face and into my open mouth. My eyes fly open to find Hayden sitting up on his knees holding his cock in his hand pumping his shaft to release more of his arousal onto my face.
He leans over me again using his thumb to cleanse my face of his come, and thrusting his thumb into my mouth. "Swallow all of it." His dark sexy gaze is on my mouth and I obey to his command, swallowing down his semen, and gently sucking on his thumb before he slowly slides it out of my mouth and pries my lips apart to check, "Good girl."
His large hands cup my face his thumb stroking it fondly, "I'm so in love with you."
"I'm in love with you," I say back, meaning it.
"I would kiss you but you've just swallowed my come." He laughs heartily and I can't help but laugh with him.
"Kiss me anyway." My tone begging. I still haven't gotten enough of him. I would lose myself in him forever if I could, but the distance between us and the fear that I have keeps me from it. He lies beside me giving me the chastened kiss on the corner of my mouth and I have no choice but to accept it.
His finger trails down my spine as we lie in silence, still naked from our eminently imitable rendezvous. I want to tell him but for some reason I don't feel it's the right time.
"Can I stay the night?" He asks, his voice soft and sweet like honey. Can you stay forever?
"Of course you can." I say instead.
"How long are you staying?"
"Just the weekend."
"Are you here for business?" He inquires.
"No, I just came to see you."
A blush creeps up his neck, a beautiful bashful smile spreads on his face, "Is there something you wanted from me or was it just sex?"
"I fear if I tell you, everything is going to be different."
"Maybe different will be a good thing."
My mouth opens then closes, then opens and closes once more, failing to say the simplest two words. If he and I were together and married this news would have been the greatest news of all time, but it didn't happen that way and I have no idea how he'll react to it. He already has one child, why would he want another?
"Spit it out, baby." His endearing term has me feeling nostalgic.
"I'm pregnant with your child." I just rip the bandage off without the 1, 2, 3 countdown or the long speech I prepared.
"What?" His face distorts with a sudden shock or confusion, maybe both. "Are you sure?"
I chuckle lightly, "Am I sure that I'm pregnant or am I sure that it's yours?"
"I don't know, both?"
"My doctor told me and I haven't slept with anyone after the wedding. You were the last person I slept with." I inform him. A previous situation pops into my mind, the thought making me laugh a little. "Your Thanksgiving prayers were answered."
"Jesus," My final comment causes him to laugh loudly. "What are you going to do now?"
"With the baby?"
"Well obviously you're keeping it." He's serious again.
"Says who? Isn't it my choice?"
"Alice I will not allow you to kill my baby, if that was ever even a thought in your mind. My parents wanted to do that to me and I refuse to be anything like them. You of all people should understand that." Well when he puts it that way, I could certainly understand his reasoning. He vowed to be nothing like them, to be a better worker, a better person, and a better parent. I guess even if that means he's going to be the father of six children by different mothers.
"I don't live here Hayden, I just don't see how this will ever work."
"I'm going to give you my two options and you can take some time to think them over or you come up with something better." He's rising from the bed as he speaks, searching around for his discarded clothes.
"You're leaving?" My how the tables have turned this visit.
"Yes." He doesn't giving an explanation as to why and I don't ask for one. "You can either move back and we raise the child together or you give birth and give me my child and we can talk dates where they get to see you in LA."
"Are you fucking kidding?" I sit up on the hotel bed, hugging the sheets tightly against my naked body. I didn't expect this to be his response. These are my only two options? I'm sorry but I'm not okay with them.
"What else is there Alice?" He already sounds exhausted. How did we get from sex and declaring our love for each other to the beginning of an argument?
"I'll be the one carrying it, you should be the one with visiting days."
"You just wanted to abort the baby and now you want full parental custody?"
"I never said I wanted to abort it, I was just stating that if I did it's my decision not yours."
"Did you consider it?"
"I mean of course I did but I would never go through with it and fuck you for thinking that I would."
"We've been apart for more than three years and when I asked you to come back to me you said no. You chose work over me, how am I supposed to know that you wouldn't choose work over a child?"
"A child is different than a man."
"Really?" I think that hurt him. He isn't just a man and we both know that, but the words are running out of my mouth and I can seem to turn the faucet off.
"I didn't carry you in my womb for nine months. You and I didn't even last nine months when we were actually together." I shoot and instantly regret it as I see the sadness overtaking his face. I really can be so harsh sometimes.
"Look Alice, I don't want to fight with you about this." His voice calmer than before. He sighs. "The choice is yours, all I know is I would like to be in my child's life as much as I can. I don't want weekends or holidays, I want them everyday. Whatever you decide, I will have to give into. I will not be that person that takes you to court and battles with you because believe it or not, I'm still in love with you. I would move mountains for my family and that includes you Alice. I want you and the baby, but if I can't have both, I want one."
Hearing him say those words my anger slowly begins to slither away. I'm still upset about the ultimatum he gave me, but I feel slightly less like a steaming pot of boiling water. I am hurt but I was the one throwing around phrases and pretending as if Hayden means nothing to me, when he means a lot to me.
"What about your girlfriend?" I ask.
"She isn't my girlfriend, we're just together sometimes. She sleeps around with others and so do I but we're honest about it. I fuck her with condoms. She hasn't been to our house or met Naomi and I'm not in love with her. She isn't my girlfriend." He restates, wanting it to be known they aren't exclusive.
My heart tugs at the mention of "our house." I still get so sad thinking of what could have been, what was supposed to be.
"So she's like another Lina?"
He stares at me with a blank expression, and once again I'm feeling stupid for my callousness. "If you prefer to put it that way then sure, why not."
"Is she in love with you?"
"No."
"Are you sure?" If I do decide to come back I don't want another psychotic ex to worry about. I have wounds from the first one that still leaves me shaken from time to time. I don't need anymore toxic people or things or relationships in my life.
"She's not over her ex and neither am I, that's why we're able to work the way we do."
"If I come back will—"
"To be with me?" He cuts me off eagerly, sounding a little desperate.
"Sure, Hayden." I sigh, already feeling exhausted just from the idea of being with him. In the short time that we were together it was too much to handle, who says it'll be any easier this time? As I ask myself this question I almost laugh at myself.
I had easy twice now, and I found those relationships to be very boring. Paul was the first guy I got with postHayden breakup, he was a school teacher, very attractive and kind but the relationship altogether was boring. Declan, came after Paul, he was easy but I didn't love him. I haven't loved another man since I left Hayden. It's almost like I lived for the drama that came with being with Hayden and not having it was a bore. Well either that, or I couldn't allow myself to be happy or in love because of the damage my past relationship with Hayden left on me.
That's one of the reasons why I'm so scared to be with him again. That's why I haven't jumped at the opportunity to be back with him. I'm sort of one foot in one foot out, ready to run if it gets too overwhelming. Our breakup and my father's death left me so broken and I was trying to fix it with alcohol that I just ended up drinking myself to damn near death and getting pegged as an alcoholic by my therapist. I'm not an alcoholic, I just had a really bad drinking problem for a couple of months.
"Will you end it with her?" I ask him. I really can't deal with another Lina in my life.
"I will do anything to have you back Alice." He utters with conviction. After hearing how much he's changed I believe him when he assures me of this. Maybe if we start over it won't be anything like it was before. We can be better this time around.
"I believe you." I tell him honestly.
"If you believe me, why don't you just be with me?" He has't completely gotten dressed, he's sitting against the hotel TV stand with his arms and legs crossed, his shirt isn't buttoned but his slacks are on. His stance isn't intimidating the way it would be if his posture wasn't slouch and he were standing over me.
"Because it's not that easy."
"Is it to me."
Now is the time to be open and honest with him, as my therapist said. He needs to hear exactly what is going on in my mind. "Hayden, I put so much trust in you before and I was disappointed in the worst way possible, so I'm sorry if I can't just jump into your arms and go back to being your girlfriend. I'm afraid to get hurt again, I'm afraid to be lied to and cheated on and taken advantage of. Also, with all the time that has passed I kind of feel like I don't know the new you, I only know the old Hayden."
"I'm not the same person I was before, I told you this."
"Yeah and I believe you when you say you've changed. Hayden I was lied to, disrespected, constantly told I'm not wanted then having that reneged, cheated on twice that I know of, I was never your priority and it was a constant battle between me and one of the many strange women of your past. That's all I know from being with you. Surely you can understand how starting over could frighten me?"
He nods, and I can see a tinge of sadness in his eyes from my depiction of our past together. "You need time to get to know the new me."
"And I would love to but I can't jump head first into a relationship with you, I hope you understand."
"I do," he murmurs. My eyes stay on him as he walks over to me and sits close by me on the bed. He pulls the covers away from me, baring all of me to him, and presses his hand against my stomach. "Even though this isn't the way either one of us wanted this to happen, I'm elated to have you as the mother of my future child."