Edwards POV ;
With Bella out of the hospital I didn't have any excuses left to avoid the inevitable. Obviously Bella was not just an excuse. She has been keeping me safe from the impossible decision I had to make about Tanya. She is my haven.
Why is this decision so impossible? Well, it wouldn't be if I was free to make my own choices without fear of the consequences from my parents. Every fiber of my being screamed 'no, please don't make me do this.' I wasn't ashamed of being terrified to face her again. I didn't feel emasculated for having this fear in my gut every time I thought her name.
No. Why would I? Even if I hadn't already met Bella, even if I didn't already have her as a reason to keep living that night that my life went to utter hell, I always dreamt of growing up, graduating highschool, going to college, becoming a lawyer, settling down with a beautiful wife, and have some kids. Two, to be precise. A boy and a girl. The boy would be born first so his sister would always have a protector. A bestfriend.
I know you can't plan these things, and life has a funny way of giving you what you need, and things you never knew you wanted, so I didn't expect my life to pan out exactly how I have it drawn.
However, my grades are amazing, and I already have my beautiful girl, so who knows? Maybe in this case life has in store exactly what I always wanted.
But Tanya almost took that away from me. I got a bad taste in my mouth as I thought about it. Had Carlisle not yelled to me to wake me up, Tanya would have gotten what she wanted. I would be dead. Bella would have logged online one day to speak to me, and I would just not come back, and she would never know why.
She would never know me, nor I her. I wouldn't have had the chance to hold her hand, to look into her brown eyes, to play with her hair as she sits next to me, humming in appreciation, or to just lay my head on her chest and hear the beating of her heart.
I wouldn't have gotten the chance to truly fall in love. To live my life. To have my career and family, and yet they expect me to apologize?
I quickly swallowed the lump that had formed in my throat as the waitress put my chocolate milkshake in front of me. It was midnight, and I was sitting in the only 24 hour diner in town, by myself.
"Thank you," I said to her before she walked away, leaving me in silence again.
I took a long sip through the straw before slumping back in my seat and drumming my fingers soundlessly against the table. I paused for a beat before moving my milkshake out of the way, and reaching into my bag, hauling out my computer.
I do not fear Tanya, I simply fear what I almost lost because of her. I need her to know that.
I logged onto my computer and opened a word doc, and then I simply stared at the blank screen. Writers block. Thats what I had.
I just need to write it down, perhaps that will help with this decision.
Tanya,
I started off, for a moment I felt like I knew exactly what to say, in what order to put my words to make her understand what she had done to me, but I lost it, as soon as her name was in print in front of me. I thought about it for another moment before continuing.
I have so much I need to say, but it truly is the worst internal struggle to decide wether or not you deserve to hear it, so I'm writing this... and we will see. The night you tried to took my life was devastating. Everyone said you failed, but in a way you didn't. It was because of you and your wrecklessly stupid actions that my life turned upside down. I couldnt walk out the door, there was always flashing and questions, my friends, God... they tried to be there but it was so much, you took them from me to, you made my life into such a hell that no one would dare come to close out of fear they would burn with me. I was miserable. I was alone. I had but one person and she didn't even know who I was. The reason you snapped and tried to kill me. How could I tell her? You made me so ashamed of my life, long before the night I woke up to you dangling a steak knife over my chest. With that being said, I do owe you, because you changed my life. By taking away everything I had you pushed me into the arms of a woman who gave me every reason to live. She is everything you're not, she gives me everything you never could. You were the devil set to destroy me, and she is the angel who is putting back everything you ripped to pieces simply because your drugs were more important than your childhood bestfriend. We could have been so much better than this. We could still be friends, but you took yourself away from me to. I miss the Tanya that would spend hours watching movies and pigging out, who spoke to me like a human, someone she respected rather than the girl who used me. You needed an anchor, and that was me. I was the only thing holding you to your old life, you held onto me because you didnt think you could screw up that much with me holding you back. But I was, and am, a kid, and that was too much. You hurt me so bad, you messed me up seemingly beyond repair and yet as I write this, I realize I hold no grudges against you. I know you couldn't have chosen this. The girl I loved is not the same girl who ruined me - you are not the same.
I sat back, reading over the mess I wrote in front of me, I knew it was jumbled and confusing, it wasnt at all deep, it was a disaster, and that was okay, because this wasnt for her, it was for me. I quickly saved the document and then sat back, grabbing my milkshake and finished it.
This was just the start of a long road I was about to go down. I'm going back to my old home to see her.. Tanya.
I left the diner then and head home, to find my dad waiting up for me, worried.. I guess it was reasonable, by the time I walked in the door it was 1AM. I told him my decision and his face went to pissed off to surprised, to proud in a second.
"That's great son." He said to me, making my stomach churn. I hated it. I quickly excused myself for bed and took off up my room.
I got ready for bed in record time and lay down, burying myself in my comforter, I stared at the pillow next to mine, that was where Bella slept just days before.
Bella. My stomach twisted even more and my mouth went dry as I wondered how she was going to react when I told her about Tanya. My heart constricted painfully as I considered how bad it could get. But God; I need her support.
***
Knock, knock, knock... I tapped on Bella's front door lunch time the next day. I was there for a minute before the door opened revieling Charlie.
"Hello, Edward." Charlie greeted politely.
"Charlie, is Bella home?" I asked dumbly. Of course she was.
"She's in her room," he said, stepping aside to let me in, "normally I wouldn't condone you in my daughters room but she could certainly use the rest, I'd rather she stayed in bed, so go on up, but I'll be up to check on you."
"Yes sir," I nodded, stepping past him and walking up the stairs. I stopped at Bellas door and knocked softly.
"Not now, dad." I heard her call.
"Actually, it's me-" I called feeling ridiculous. "Uh, Edward."
I heard fumbling in the room and before I knew it, she had thrown the door open. My heart sped up as I took in her beautiful smile.
"Hi, you." I murmured, kissing her lips softly.
"What are you doing here? Come to get kisses?" She questioned, standing on her tiptoes and wrapping her arms around my neck as she pressed her lips fiercely to mine.
"No, you little vixen." I murmured against her lips, kissing her back as I held her hips tightly. "But that defintely is an added perk."
She pulled back and grinned at me.
"Whats up?" She murmured, keeping her arms around my neck as she pulled me into her room, "besides the obvious."
"What's the obvious?" I asked as I sat on her bed, she quickly sat next to me.
"You missed me, obviously." She stated in matter-of-factly.
"Always, baby." I grinned, kissing her bottom lip with a sigh. "But actually I just wanted to spend time with my girl."
"Well your girl missed you," she said, smirking.
"How are you feeling?" I asked, not so subtly changing the subject.
"Better," she sighed. "I've been bored all morning. Now I have something to do." She wiggled her brows in a suggestive manner.
"Oh yeah?" I asked with a smile, digging my fingers into my palms.
"Mm," she sighed, moving onto her knees and wrapping her arms around my shoulders, moving to kiss me. I pulled back from her and pursed my lips.
"We need to talk." I told her, pulling her onto my lap, "this is really hard."
I felt her freeze in my lap, but she doesn't speak. I rub her back softly with my thumb.
"Do you remember on the camping trip? What started our fight?" I asked.
She nodded softly. "Tanya got out."
"Yeah, and she has been asking to see me." I spoke slowly. Bella pulled back and narrowed her eyes up at me.
"Really?" She whispered, unsure.
"Yes.." I paused and pursed my lips.
"Is she coming here?" Bella asked, an unrecognizable look flashing in her eyes.
"Of course not. She will never know where I live, and I won't let her near you. Not ever." I assured her, pressing a soft kiss to her forehead.
"So.." she paused, frowning, "you're going there?"
"Yes." I answered.
"I don't like it." She said, frowning.
"Bella.." I sighed, shaking my head. How can I do this now?
"No, I support you, a hundred percent." She said, as if she could read my mind, moving up and looking me in the eyes. "Just.. so many things are playing on my mind."
"Like?" I narrowed my eyes at her, wondering where she was going with it.
"Like my blatant insecurity is popping up, even though I know you wouldn't choose her over me." She was quick tp defend herself.
"Obviously not." I gritted my teeth in disbelief. "I mean the woman did try to gut me after all."
"I'm aware." Bella sighed, nudging my shoulder. "Which brings me to the second reason I don't like it."
"Ah, you're worried about me." I teased halfheartedly, my heart picking up as the fear for myself started to kick in once more.
"Actually, I'm more worried about me." She shrugged.
"And why is that?" Frowning, I searched for answer in her eyes.
"Because, if the bitch lays one little criminal finger on what is so obviously mine then I will have no choice but to gut her. And then I will be the one in prison." She hissed, I smirked, she was so adorable when she was like this. Like a little kitten hissing with her claws stuck out.
"Well you simply can't do that," I told her, tucking her hair behind her ear as I smiled down at her.
"And why not?" She asked, still trying to sound fierce, but failing as the humor was evident in her voice.
"Because if you're in jail, I can't do this," I leaned in, kissing along her jaw, "or this," I continued, nipping along her neck, "or this," I curled my fingers in her hair, moving back up and angling her face toward me, I kissed her lips roughly, causing an immediate reaction from her as she moved to stradle me, and of course I felt my body react in its on way.
"Hey, guys, your pants still on?" I heard Charlie approaching Bella's room, I quickly pushed her off me and grabbed a book off her nightstand, playing along, Bella curled up to my side as I opened the book and began reading some random page.
Charlie opened the door, and glanced in at us, he quickly apologized and went about his business again, I closed the book and looked at Bella, grinning.
"That was close." She whispered and giggled.
"Very close." I repeated, rolling her over onto her back and pressing my lips back to hers.
A/N eventually the chapters will become less and less sucky. Bare with me 💓