"Cecelia? Can I come in?"
I cringed at my mom's use of my full name. I was still a little angry at her for getting up and leaving, whether she was upset or not. She should be able to deal with me.
"Okay."
I glanced at McKenna who pointed at her bracelet before leaving the room.
I just need to stay stoic. No emotions. Don't upset her. I repeated to myself.
"Sweetie... I love you so much. I don't want you to think I can't handle you or deal with this. I've done it before and I'll do it again. But it is hard for me- and that's okay. My love for you is getting me through it."
"Okay mommy." I hugged her. But really I knew. She was lying. She couldn't deal with this.
"I know you aren't going to like this. But it needs to be done. You have a doctors appointment today-"
"What? No? They'll find out!"
"I already called them baby. We need to make sure you're healthy."
"They're going to get police involved!"
"Sweetie it has to be done. We are going to talk to the police about this. Don't be scared because I'll be right there with you."
"Mommy no! I want Demi." I felt tears welling in my eyes.
"Demi can come too baby. I promise everything is going to be okay."
Later
I considered fighting to go to the doctors appointment but I didn't want to cause a scene. Suicide was no longer an option because I could never do that to McKenna. So I had to suffer and go to the doctor. I'm petrified.
Demi was driving and we were sitting in silence. I told my mom that I didn't want her to come. It would be too awkward.
"I don't see why I have to go. It's been months."
"It's important to just make sure things are okay."
I glared at her. My heart was already racing and I was feeling panicky.
"It's going to be okay." Demi grabbed my hand.
We arrived at the clinic and walked into the waiting room. We were immediately whisked into a room at Demi's request.
*MAY BE TRIGGERING*
Seeing the chair with the stirrups was terrifying. I'm not going to make it through this. Demi rubbed my back.
"Remember when the doctor comes in to tell her your concerns. She's very understanding."
I couldn't choke a reply out.
Suddenly the doctor walked through the door. She was a tall woman with curly brown hair and glasses. She looked intimidating.
"Good afternoon Miss. De La Garza." She stuck her hand out. I stared back at her and reluctantly shook hands. My palms were sweating.
"I understand you have a few concerns you'd like to discuss. Go ahead, I don't bite."
"Um when you start the exam... What if I need to get up or I need you to stop?"
"Just say so. You're in charge here."
"Ok um." My face reddened. I tried to choke back the tears that were falling much to frequently now. "I'm just really nervous." I gasped for air and felt Demi's warmth around me.
"It's normal to be nervous. But I promise that you are fully in charge and whatever you need let me know. I will explain everything and we will get you through this fast and easily."
"O-O-Okay-y-y."
"Change into this little gown and I'll be right back."
I went behind the curtain and put the tiny gown on. I felt naked.
"D-D-Demi don't look at me."
"Why baby?"
"I just feel so... disgusting in this."
"You aren't disgusting. You're beautiful."
"I feel naked."
"Please just come out. I won't look."
"Promise?"
"Promise."
The doctor came back in much too quickly.
"Hop up here sweetie."
I obeyed but I was shaking. I squeezed my legs closed. Demi sat by my head and held my hand, stroking my hair.
"Okay let's begin. Do you want to put your feet in the stirrups?"
I shakily obeyed. I was exposed now and I felt horrible. I felt like any second would bring horror.
"I'm going to begin by feeling around a little bit to check for any damage. Okay?"
I nodded.
I gripped Demi's hand harder as I felt the doctor touch.
At the initial touch my body jolted.
"Try to relax."
Demi put her head next to mine.
"Breathe baby listen to my breathing."
The touching. The prodding. The poking.
It was so painful. Not physically. The memories were stabbing. I physically felt like I couldn't breathe. I couldn't move. I couldn't speak. I was stuck. Stuck in a state of feeling the pain and not being able to do anything.
I tried to groan but couldn't.
I felt Demi touch my cheek but I couldn't react.
I needed this to stop now.
My breathing quickened as I tried to alert someone that she needed to stop. I stared into Demi's eyes trying to show her my terror.
Suddenly I felt the doctor pull away.
"Cece? Can you hear me?" The doctor looked concerned.
"Um yes."
"I see you're struggling right now. Do you want to get down and take a break?"
"No."
"Do you want me to step out a minute?"
"Um."
Demi interrupted. "Yes please."
I pulled my feet down and closed my legs tightly.
"Cece are you okay?"
"It hurts Demi." My face squinted as I tried to forget.
"The exam?"
"The memories."
"I know baby."
"Every time she touches me I remember something else. I don't want to remember."
"Remembering is going to heal you. How can I help you get through this?"
"Can you talk to me?"
"Of course. Let's finish this."
Demi brought the doctor back in and once again I exposed myself. She placed her fingers back in and this time I felt pressure, immediately sending me into another flashback.
I felt Demi grab my hand again then heard her voice.
"Cece you're right here. You're at the doctor and I'm right here. I'm Demi. Look around baby girl. See the tiles on the ceiling? Keep breathing baby. You're almost done."
I felt a little better although I was highly uncomfortable. It felt incredibly weird.
Suddenly the pressure turned to a sharp pain.
"HELP IT HURTS!"
"The pain will be finished in one second I just need a little sample."
I panted in pain as Demi rubbed my stomach.
"Should this be hurting her this much?"
It's normal to feel a bit of pain during this part. One second. It may be intensified for her due to her situation."
I felt the pressure and pain leave and immediately yanked my legs closed.
"I'm going to go see the results of the tests and I'll be back."
The feelings of violation returned. I couldn't help but cry into Demi's arms.
"Shh baby it's okay."
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This was really hard to write. I strongly considered not publishing it but I'm just going to do it and get on with the next happier parts of the story. Don't worry, there are happier parts coming soon.