warning: explicit language
Namjoon grabbed Lisa's wrist as she tried to pass him.
Lisa stopped but didn't look at him. "If you're going to just say sorry or something like that, then just let me go. Okay? If you're going to break my heart, that's fine, just do it quickly. I can get over a crack here or there. But don't shatter it altogether by dragging this out or making me think that you feel things that you don't, things that you've never felt."
Namjoon was silent, his mouth open slightly, trying to find the words.
Meanwhile, Lisa felt like a small girl in the body of a woman, vulnerable and insecure. She just wanted it to be over with.
I'll go home and cry my eyes out, and when I wake up, I'll just force myself to keep going. I'll get over him, one day at a time. I'll throw myself into work, into my nephews, into whatever it takes to get this stupid man out of my mind. Whatever it-
"I'm sorry," Namjoon finally said. "I...I didn't know that you felt that way."
"Well, I did. I won't bother you about it anymore so you don't have to worry about it," Lisa said, trying to be brave when all she wanted to do was run to her car, unlock the doors, and leaned her head against the steering wheel.
"I'm sorry, I really fu- really screwed this up," Namjoon mumbled, catching himself before swearing reflexively from spending most of his time around children. "I'm sort of out of practice with...um..." He looked like he wanted to scratch the back of his neck, but he also didn't want to let go of Lisa's wrist, so he just swallowed awkwardly. "I haven't been out in a while as, you know, a single adult and not as a father. I'm just...My mind hasn't exactly been in the right place for that sort of thing, not since...not since she left, not since Jimin-" He exhaled sharply before looking up at Lisa. "Can we continue this outside? In private?"
Lisa pursed her lips but nodded. She didn't want to talk, couldn't bear to. She didn't know what words would come out.
Namjoon got out of the booth, his fingers still loosely curled around Lisa's wrist. He could have taken her hand, but that seemed too big of an action, too symbolic of things that Namjoon was scared to acknowledge.
He mumbled a brief apology to the hostess before leading Lisa outside and to his car, where he finally let go of her wrist and turned to face the driver's window, staring at his own reflection in the glass before looking down at the dark puddles in the craters and cracks of the parking lot blacktop.
"I'm sorry for getting your hopes up," Namjoon said quietly, staring down at the puddle. "I can't...I haven't let myself see anyone in that way. Not since..." He took a slow breath in through his nose, closing his eyes. "Not since her."
"Do you still love her?" Lisa asked, her voice broken like shards of glass from a mirror that had been smashed. "Is that it?"
"Fuck, no." Namjoon tried to laugh, but the only sound that came out of his mouth was a dry cry, for help, for understanding, for a peace that he'd lost long ago and couldn't get back.
Happiness, he'd come to figure out, wasn't the same as peace. Happiness was transient, unstable, imbalanced, hopelessly ideal. It was wishful, naïve, a big word for a thin feeling. Happiness felt good in the morning, maybe in the afternoon. But it wasn't guaranteed to exist at night, when he wanted to close his eyes and sleep without being ripped apart by worries and doubts and insecurities that he couldn't control or contain. He could be happy, he'd come to figure out, and still feel at war with the world or, more desperately, with himself.
He'd had peace once, or at least, he'd thought he'd had it.
He couldn't remember what that had been like.
"No," Namjoon repeated, sighing as he set his hand on the window, imagining someone else, a different Namjoon, a younger Namjoon, a happier Namjoon, a more peaceful Namjoon, meeting his fingers on the other side. "No, I can't...I could never love someone who could do something so horrible to so many innocent kids who didn't deserve it."
"What about you, Namjoon? Didn't she do something horrible to you too?" Lisa asked, but it wasn't out of a desire to get Namjoon to love her back anymore. She just couldn't help but sympathize with him. She wanted to know, wanted to know how he felt, even after all these years, about the single event that had set the rest into motion.
"I..." Namjoon breathed out unevenly. "My kids, they're the most important. I don't...I can't..."
"Namjoon, look at me," Lisa said. She'd never heard so much pain in his voice, except when Jimin had been missing.
Namjoon shook his head, leaning his forehead against the car window, squeezing his eyes shut in a vain attempt to hold back tears, tears that he'd never let himself cry, tears for himself and not for his children. "I gave her everything...I did my best...I know it wasn't enough, I know that now, but...she was everything to me...I thought...I..." He swallowed. "I invested everything into that relationship, Lisa. All of me, every part. Every secret no one else knew, every fear I couldn't let anybody else know. She knows me more than anyone else. I gave myself to her, and she...she...wanted someone else instead...even though...even...What happened to love? What happened to marriage meaning something? What happened to all of that? Was it real? Was it ever real? Why couldn't she love me?"
Lisa didn't know how to answer his questions. She was angry, in a sense, that some woman had had a chance to have Namjoon as hers and she'd wasted it entirely while Lisa wasn't allowed to even try. Lisa shook her head.
This isn't about you, Lisa.
This is about Namjoon.
This is about a close friend of yours who is in pain.
Lisa hesitantly hugged him, not squeezing too tightly because a hug as a friend was incredibly painful for her in ways she hadn't known it could be. "It's okay, Namjoon. It doesn't make sense. It doesn't have to. One day..." Lisa swallowed, clenching her jaw.
I can be strong for a few more minutes.
"One day you'll find someone you're willing to invest in, someone you're willing to trust with your everything again."
"But I don't have anything to give them," Namjoon whispered, and Lisa just shrugged, smiling sadly.
"Then they'll take your nothing. They'll love you for whoever you are and whatever you have. Maybe you're not ready right now, but maybe...maybe you will be in the future, and then you'll meet that person, and..."
Lisa pulled back, retracting her arms from Namjoon. She just couldn't do it anymore. Telling him that someone else will love him when she was right there, six inches away.
"I'm sorry, Namjoon," she said quietly. "I meant what I said but I can't...I can't be around you right now, I need to...go home..."
Namjoon turned to look at Lisa. "Why me?" he asked, and she froze.
"You have a nice face," she said straightforwardly, trying to sound casual, like he wasn't that big of a deal to her, like she only admired his physical qualities instead of every facet of his character that made him into the man she loved.
But Namjoon knew, somehow, that she wasn't being honest.
Lisa swallowed. "You...the way you take care of your kids...it's absolutely selfless, unconditional love. It's beautiful. You'd do anything for them. And I guess...I started to wonder...what it would be like...to have someone be that devoted to me, to love me so much that they would search for me to the ends of the earth, never giving up, always believing in me...and I realized that it was something I wanted more with each passing day." She laughed, embarrassed, blinking quickly so her eyes didn't appear wet. "I know that sounds like I only love you for your kids, but that's not it. I just wanted to know what it would feel like for me to be something you cared about, I guess." She held up a hand defensively, waving it in the air. "It's stupid, I know. I'm sorry-"
"You know more than anyone how I'm barely holding myself, my family, together," Namjoon interrupted, and Lisa paused, shocked, before nodding slowly. "You've seen me at my worst, when I was dying inside and outside every day that Jimin wasn't in my arms. You've seen that, and you still..."
Lisa smiled, heartbroken, at him. "That's what love is, Namjoon. It's messy and a little blind at times."
Namjoon hesitated, confusion on his face. "Can I..." He hesitated for a long moment before moving his hand up to Lisa's cheek. She stood still, stark against the dark night, as she felt his finger tips gently caress her cheek. Namjoon bit his lip before slowly moving closer to Lisa and placing his lips on hers.
The kiss was hesitant, unsure, not at all how Lisa had imagined it, but it was real, and that had never been a part of her imagination either.
Namjoon pulled back, frowning slightly. "I'm sorry, I'm not...I haven't...The last woman I kissed was my wife, and that was years ago, so I'm not...I'm sorry if you didn't want me to do that. I just wanted to remember what it was like."
"What what is like? Kissing?" Lisa asked, unable to hold back a smirk, but Namjoon shook his head, serious.
"Feeling someone love you, emotionally and physically," he said, and Lisa just stared at him.
"Namjoon..." She held her breath, scared to be rejected twice in the same night. "You deserve to be loved, not just by your kids as a father, but by someone as yourself. I want to be that person, Namjoon, if you'd let me."
Namjoon tilted his head slightly, clenching his jaw. "I don't know, Lisa. My heart is locked up."
"I'll unlock it," she answered immediately.
"You don't have the key," he said, and she shook her head.
"No. You do. And if you'd hand it over, I'd unlock your heart in a second."
Namjoon was quiet. He knew that the key they were talking about wasn't just an imaginary object.
It was his trust, his faith, his love.
Could he hand that over to someone?
Lisa didn't say anything. She knew that Namjoon had to make the decision on his own. She wouldn't pressure him. Yes, no, she'd take the answer and go with it. She'd be brave. It might hurt, but she would deal with the pain when it came.
Namjoon finally met Lisa's eyes, and he opened his mouth.
Lisa winced.
What is he going to tell me?