I'm not sure where or how to start explaining what happened. I don't trust my voice not to break. So, I decide to show him instead.
I untie the scarf with shaking hands and pull it down onto my lap. Daniel looks down at my lap for a while, totally bewildered by what I'm doing. But then his gaze wanders back up.
I watch as his eyes widen in horror and confusion when he focuses on the deep, ugly bruises around my throat. It's clear from the look on his face that he has no idea how to respond, but I don't give him the opportunity. This is my time to be honest and confess all.
"I wanted some time to myself, so I lied to you and said that Caroline was with me thinking that I could just relax for a bit and you would be back soon. But ... he ... Ed must have known where I lived all along" He tentatively reaches out his hand to touch me, but then pulls back quickly like I would shatter if he made contact with me. He chooses instead to put his head in his hands. Little pieces of my heart begin to shatter at his failure to want to touch me.
I give him a second to process what I'm so ineloquently trying to tell him.
"He did this to you?" He mumbles and then rubs his hands roughly through his hair, finally looking up at me. I take a deep breath to steady my emotions. He still doesn't make eye contact with me, just focuses on my throat.
"Yes, my buzzer rang just after 9 and I thought it was you, so I opened the door."
I need him to fully see what Ed did to me while I still have the nerve. I slowly stand up and begin to unbutton Caroline's blouse with trembling fingers. I let it fall to the floor and I stand there in just my vest top exposing the marks on my chest, arms and wrists. I lift my top tentatively to show the bruises on my stomach too. I want to run away or curl up and hide like I always used to, but I force myself to stand still. I force myself to be strong for once. No more secrets, I tell myself.
Daniel's eyes cover every inch of me, not sure where to look next. I watch his jaw set in a hard line while his eyes wander from ugly bruise to bruise. I can see the anger building inside of him.
"I'm going to fucking kill him." He jumps up and paces to the door. I don't try to stop him, I'm too drained. I just sit back down, lift my legs onto the settee and wrap my arms around my knees. I bury my head and hide my face away. I guess he's not ready to hear what I have to say. It feels as though more of my heart crumbles away.
I expect to hear the door slam, but instead I feel the settee dip as he sits down next to me. His strong, dependable arms engulf me. I let him hold me and I melt into the embrace, breathing in his familiar scent. I hear his ragged breathing slowly return to normal.
"I'm here Lizzie. I'm here and I'm not going anywhere. Will you tell me what happened?" He takes my face in his hands and finally looks at me in the eyes. He is just inches from me and I can see the desperation in his stare.
I take a deep breath before I begin. "I'm not really sure where to start Daniel... He said he had had been looking for me and had finally found me. He wanted me to go back to Manchester with him."
"He what?" Daniel sounds totally confused. "Why?"
"He said he loved me, he had changed and he wanted me to go back to being his wife. He said you didn't love me, but he did. Oh, also that we were soul mates!" I let out a bitter laugh and shake my head.
"What the fuck, he is a fucking psychopath." Daniel bites his lip, trying desperately to contain his anger.
"Yes he is, but I didn't back down. I told him no, that he meant nothing and that he had no power over me anymore." I close my eyes, briefly reliving that look in his eyes. I shudder at the thought. "Then he attacked me. But this time I fought for my life... and I won. I hurt him right back."
I look up at him, trying to work out what he is thinking. The seconds tick by.
"Lizzie, sweetheart. I need to ask you something.... I think I know the answer, well I know I know the answer. But I still need to ask. You just said 'this time', so he has done this before hasn't he?" I look up at him and nod.
The realisation of what I've been hiding from him all this time sweeps across his face. "Oh baby, I'm so sorry for what you've been through." He kisses my head and holds me closely to him. "There's one more thing I need to ask you. I didn't buy your explanation the first time I asked, but I didn't want to push you and there hasn't really been the right time for me to bring it up since. But I need to know-"
"What is it Daniel?" I sense that I already know the answer.
"The scar on your side that you don't like me to touch, did he do that to you?" I cannot help but quiver at the memory, the worst day of my life.
"Yes." I freeze not sure if I can put the words together. I feel a single tear run down my cheek and this time I just let it fall. "I'm sorry, but I've never had to say it out loud before...."
"Just take your time. We've got all the time in the world." He holds my hands in his. His thumb grazes across my bruised knuckles.
"Oh shit, Daniel..." I let out a little sob, but then try to pull myself together. I take a couple of breaths and... just say it. "I was pregnant.... I was having a baby.... a little girl... I was going to call her Charlotte."
Daniel doesn't say a word, but I see the shock in his eyes. The room starts to spin in despair at me talking about my daughter, my little girl that I never got to meet. He pulls me to him and just holds me against him while I painfully sob.
After a few minutes I wrench myself away. Now I've come this far I feel the need to tell him everything.
"Everything had been wonderful since I had found out I was pregnant. Ed was loving, kind and so attentive. He doted on my every need and as the time went on he said he felt better about sharing me." I shake my head. How fucking stupid I was.
"I should have left as soon as I found out I was pregnant, but he seemed so content. I thought the baby would fix us and he had promised me he wouldn't touch me ever again. I thought we were so happy, like the darkness was behind us." I feel my chest tightening, squeezing the breath from me. But I can't stop now - he deserves to know that I was too fucking stupid to leave, that I chose to stay and as a result, my baby died.
"I was just under six months pregnant, 24 weeks to be exact. I was at work and I helped a client of the company out with some advertising advice. He bought me some flowers as a thank you. Just a little, cheap bunch of flowers"
"Ed was late that night, he had been to a corporate dinner. He came in the house drunk. I had waited up for him, but I knew that familiar look in his eyes when he came stumbling through the door. I said I was tired and started to make my way to bed. But then he saw the flowers and asked me who they were from. Because it wasn't a big deal and Ed had been with the client that night, I told him." My voice waivers because I know that was my chance to just get in the car and leave.
"I should have walked out the house right there and then, but I didn't. I made the mistake of turning to look at him. Before I could move, he was on me. He accused me of having an affair. I don't really remember what happened next, but he must have punched my face at some point because I was told after that he had broken my jaw."
The tears start to fall again now when I know I have to relive the most excruciatingly painful part of my life. "At some point during the attack I fell or he pushed me onto the glass table in our living room. The glass shattered. I was impaled by a shard of glass. I fractured two of my ribs and I suffered a large amount of blood loss. Ed tried to take care of me even though I was screaming for an ambulance. There was so much blood. He must have called one once I had blacked out because I woke up a few days later in hospital."
"The doctors said that because of the trauma I'd suffered, the surgery and the blood loss... she hadn't survived. Afterwards, I was in hospital for a while. He apologised profusely and swore never to touch me again. He refused to speak about her at all and in all honesty, I didn't want to even look at him, let alone talk about her. It was all my fault... I lost her."
Daniel doesn't say a word for a while and I'm terrified that he will blame me too. I'm scared to look at him.
"I'm so sorry Lizzie, but please know that this wasn't your fault. None of this is your fault, please don't think that. He did this to you, not you sweetheart. He will never lay a finger on you again. I promise." I lean against him, wanting desperately to believe him. He holds me so gently, I almost believe him.
"I should have left the day I found out I was pregnant. But I foolishly thought he could change. Instead, he took it all away." I honestly thought that knowing the truth about me Daniel would leave but he's still here, still holding me. I finally feel ready to tell Daniel my sordid story.
"He wasn't always violent, most of the time he was loving and affectionate. But then I would do something wrong or something would happen and he would get angry. At the time I believed him that it was my fault that he got so angry with me. He would tell me that I made him so mad because he loved me too much." I shake my head, how could I be so stupid to believe it? Shame rises up inside, but I don't want to stop now. "We were together ten years and the first time he hit me I was sixteen. I wanted to go out with my friends and he didn't approve of them so..." I fight the tears that threaten to fall because I want to be strong.
"Anyway, I became isolated from my friends and we were inseparable until my parents encouraged me to go away to university. There I met Caroline and Sarah as I've already told you. Towards the end of university, they knew what was going on, but I wouldn't listen to them. He made me feel that it was my fault he was so controlling and that he couldn't live without me if I ended it. Things got easier once I graduated and we got married because I knew how to behave. He knew I wanted a child and dangled it like a carrot over me for the next four years. Anyway, I lost my baby around six months before I left him. Once she had gone, I gave up completely and was resigned to my empty life. I deserved to live like that. I felt like I had died with her, I had nothing left inside me. It took me a few months to recover from the pain, the miscarriage and the injury I suffered. Then I found him with his secretary. When I found him with her it was soul destroying, but on the other hand it somehow sparked me back to life. It was my chance to be free of him. I should have realised that I could never really be free though, he always promised me that he would find me."
Daniel releases me and begins to pace the room like a caged animal.
"I can't believe that a man could do that to a woman, let alone you Lizzie. Oh my God, I can't bare the thought of him hurting you, of what he did to you. I'm going to fucking hunt that bastard down like the coward he is." I try to stay calm and let him rant while he absorbs the details of my shameful past, but I don't want him throwing away his reputation and career if he were to find Ed.
"Please don't do that." I plead with him. "I've finally fought back. I haven't let him win. In all the years we were together I never defended myself, I let him do it. I'm so ashamed to admit that, but at the time I felt like I deserved it. But once I lost my baby and nearly died, I finally realised that he was the monster. It's over now. I don't want you risking your career over him, he would love for that to happen. He's not worth it. He means nothing to me. He has no hold over me anymore."
"You think I'm worried about my fucking career? I don't give a shit about it. I love you and putting right what that fucker has done to you would be worth any price."
- so Lizzie has confessed all the Daniel - what do you think of her story? What about Daniel's reaction?
As always, thank you for sticking with my story and hope you click the little star -