STEF POV
"I swear you just like your Daddy." Roxy says to me laughing as I roll my eyes at her running my fingers through Callie's long hair as she rest her head in my lap. After seeing Lena in the shower and basically forcing her to have dinner with me I was fucking confused as to why she was so hesitant. I really was considering I never really had a woman hide from me or not wish to be with me and this was new. This was all fucking new to me.
"Calm down. I just meant in terms of romance. I mean you know he wasn't tactful."
"Roxy what in the fuck are you talking about? You talk so much fucking shit. Like you just do. I'm nothing like him." I say continuing to run my fingers through Callie's hair growing annoyed.
"I just meant tact."
"Like you fucking have so much."
"My women don't run from me." She says looking over her magazine as I glare at her as she knows that's a bold face lie. "That was only when I was drunk I slapped a few hoes around but not when I'm sober. I'm a good ass lover when I'm sober. I know what to do and what to do to keep them bitches coming back. You need my help, and always did. You can run a fucking prison but romance....Mm."
"I don't need shit from you in terms of this. Tula isn't complaining neither has anyone else. So fuck you."
"This Lena ain't like Tula. HELLO. I done told you she tame as shit!"
"Why do you think I gave her space and didn't go to her yoga class? HUH?"
"Ha crowding her in the shower and forcing her to have dinner with you is giving her space! Ha!"
"I didn't ask you."
"Look, all I'm saying is we all a little rough around the edges. Especially you. But this chick she ain't like that. She soft, she shy, she scared of you. Tula ain't scared of you, Cheryl was just a bitch, Diana, Lois...Annette, Irma, Violet they were all easy and like you. She ain't. She probably never even stole a candy bar or nothing. You know she was Valedictorian."
"Vala what?" I ask as Roxy looks up from her magazine.
"Valedictorian fool. Meaning she had the highest fucking average grade in her graduating class in high school. And she was some cum lada thing in college. She smart."
"How the fuck do you even know what this shit is?"
"I read hoe. I read. AND she got her Masters and Doctorate. She educated."
"Why the fuck didn't you tell me any of this shit when you read me her file?"
"I didn't want to scare you off! We don't know nobody like her. BUT that's probably why she is different."
"So what? You saying she's out of my league?"
"No bitch. I'm saying she come from a different world. A different fucking life if you listen to what the fuck I'm saying. She don't know shit about this I told you that. That education she got took her fucking places and she found out it don't do SHIT in here. Maybe she got a little something in her for stabbing the fuck out of her man, you know BUT you gonna have to approach her differently cuz different shit impresses her."
"You're a pain in my fucking ass."
"Look, just take it slow tonight you ain't gotta fuck."
"I'm here. Like I'm right here." Callie soon says as I let out a laugh.
"Please, like you don't know what fucking is. All I'm saying sister girl is be sensitive. She might like talking you know spark up a convo about some shit. I don't know something educated."
"I don't chase women Rox and I talk enough."
"Buttttt you chasing this one." She smiles as I roll my eyes annoyed. "You chasing this one hard because she hiding from you, she ain't come here all up your ass because you gave her a few gifts. And he probably don't you like you because you you know roughing up Miss Rose. And Miss Rose is her friend."
"Or she does like you and she's just can't say it Mom." Callie whispers now turning her body to face me. I look down and smile at her as Callie is the only one to see a side of me that only my children saw and no one else. "Shy people wanna say what they feel but it doesn't come out. It like gets stuck in your throat and it's hard."
"Fuck that! I backtrack she ain't shy. She just don't want your mean ass."
"Fuck you."
"BUT, I mean people change their minds. You just maybe gotta change you tactic. I mean what if she doesn't show tonight. You gonna hurt her?"
"No."
"Thennnn change your tactic. Stop fucking scaring her maybe then she will like your mean ass." She says getting and walking out as I let out a sigh for Roxy was the only person on earth I let talk to me like this as I feel Callie play with my fingers as I look down at her smiling.
"You're not mean Mom, just tough."
"Thanks babe." I wink at her and lean my head against the wall. It was true that Lena was different and I knew nothing about that kinda woman at all. Nothing at all as I wondered if what my father said about me was true; that romance and children were my weakness.
--------------------------
LENA POV
"Dinner? Lena you don't have a choice. You really, really don't. That was an order Lena." Wanda said as I sat back down on my bed feeling a headache come on.
"I'm not interested in her Wanda. I'm playing bingo with Miss Rose tonight and some of the other women. I'm not having dinner with her. No way."
"Lena, I told you from day one. Stef Foster picks who she wants. And, she wants you. Not for what she wants some other people for but she wants you wants you. And I told you she been giving you a tone of shit and it ain't for free. Plus, she's been real, real nice to you because as you know she ain't nice at all."
"And more of a reason for me not to go Wanda. I don't want anything to do with her and her Den. I don't like her." Feeling myself get upset I can only shake my head as I look back at Wand.
"There's a reason no one jumped you, or hurt you. She called her girls off you and this prison to leave you alone including the COs. You think it was by accident no one got you when were cleaning alone in them bathrooms. That was on purpose."
"What?" I ask confused.
"Like I told you she got alot of power and whatever the fuck she says goes. If she wanted you to get hurt you would have gotten hurt already. My second day here I got jumped. My third day here, I got cut, my forth day here some bitches stole my shit. I didn't get no pudding, I didn't get no magazines, no hair products, no nothing. You got a longer shower then anyone because she was in there with you. So, you better go and do whatever she asks."
"I'm not. I won't sleep with her."
"Lena, do you want to see your kid?"
"Of course."
"Do you want to see your mother and father?"
"Yes. But she can't stop that I mean...
"She can. She can stop it and you could end up in solitary, someone could plant some shit on you. You know how easy that is? You could get hurt and end up in the infirmary or transferred to another prison just for being friends with Miss Rose. That's how much control she has. So believe me it's easier to do what she says then to not."
Feeling like I was going to be sick to my stomach I just didn't know what in the hell to do as Wanda takes a seat beside me.
"Look I've heard about her from a few girls and she's not a rapist or anything and rumor has it she's good in bed, like really good and doesn't do anything someone doesn't want. So if she wants to feel up on you let her. You might like it."
"I'm not like that Wanda. I'm just not."
"I get it but look it's not a bad place to be in. Because if you want to be someones woman you would want to be hers. Trust me Lena it will make your life a lot easier. Alot of women in here would want to be in your place."
"They can. Wanda, I don't want to be her woman. I don't." I stand up feeling more distraught then ever for I had tried so hard to hide and blend in but that just wasn't possible even from day one.
"I wouldn't tell her that Lena. And there is only so much you can do to hide from her. But look I'll tell you something that may ease your fears a tiny bit. She's got a real soft spot. A real one and it's for her kids." She spills as I look to her surprised taking a seat back down next to her.
"She has kids?"
"Two. A boy and little girl. I can't remember their names but the little girl is about six and her son is mm thirteen. They came to the last family day which was a few months ago. And on those days the prison hierarchy kinda goes out the window because when our kids leave we all feel the same way. Like shit. Even her."
"How do you know?"
"Because she told me. Look there's a reason I don't have a debt with her and why she leaves me alone. About a year ago her little girl was so upset and devastated when it was time to go that she was clinging to her like crazy. Like she wouldn't let Stef go for shit and you could see it was eaten Stef alive because she snapped at all her girls like crazy that day. I mean, it was bad. The worst I've ever seen and I was feeling pretty shitty myself after my boys left. So I snuck out to have a smoke in the laundry room and she was there having one too."
"Now, normally she's never alone ever and I went to walk off and she told me I didn't need to and she just started talking to me about what a bad mother she was. I mean it was hard to know what to do, considering who she is, but I took a risk opening my mouth and you know tried to reassure her that she wasn't. That we all fucked up and that based on what I saw her kids loved her. We actually had a conversation and she actually thanked me."
"Really?"
"Yup. So it makes me think she has a little bit of a heart and soul. We have a hidden truce so I don't go near her shit and she leaves me alone and her girls don't bother me either and our kids play together on family day. But Lena don't ever mention that shit to anyone. Or she will have your head and mine."
"I won't but, what did she do to get in here? Was she like a mob boss or something."
"Nah, shot her ex. They say she shot him about ten times in cold bold."
"Seriously?"
"Yup. I mean that's all speculation but I wouldn't put it past her. Word has it he was beating the shit out of her."
"Seems to be a common theme around here."
"Who you telling. But, go to dinner Lena. It will make your stay here alot easier." Patting my leg she heads to sit in her favorite chair as she looks to the picture of her boy son the wall as I felt tears form in my eyes. Looking towards the photo of my son I gently rubbed his face for I knew I had no choice. And that alone was scary.
As I went about the rest of my day I helped Miss Rose plant in the garden as I tried my best to prepare myself and my choice. I could either stand her up and risk the consequences which I knew would be bad or I would just go and suck it up and see what she wanted. Well I knew what she wanted and it was the last thing I did for I didn't want to sleep with her. God no and I had never slept with a woman much less one I didn't know.
"Are you excited about seeing your boy Lena?" Miss Rose asked as I dig another hole in the ground and smile at her. The garden she had was beautiful and it really was something eels that took my mind off this awful hell.
"I am yes. Miss his little face."
"I am sure. It always puts a little sunshine into the day right? I feel that way when I see my grandkids."
"It's nice that they come to see you."
"It is. I mean it's not easy for any of my family but we make the best of it. You know." She says digging another hole for the Tulips we would plant as I stop and gently rest my hand on hers.
"You know Miss Rose I can take your debt."
"What?" She asks looking to me confused.
"I can take your debt. You know the one you have with Stef."
"Oh no honey.No, no. You do not want any part of that and that's not how it works. My debt is my debt."
"Well it can become mine. I'll get her cigarette and I'll find a way I mean you shouldn't have to worry about that. And you shouldn't have to worry about her harassing you. It's awful and she's an awful human being."
"Oh baby you are very sweet. You are Lena but I will be fine. Listen, I have survived my fair share of prison and the many Stef Fosters that have come through. Sure she is one of the worsts but I don't worry about it and you should not either."
"But I can't help it. It's not right and...and...
"And?"
"She is making me have dinner with her tonight. And I'm sick to my stomach. She bombard me in the showers this morning and basically told me I'm going. And I don't want to. I don't. But if I do and go there and do whatever she wants maybe I can..I can take your debt." I spill as she puts her garden tool down grabbing my hand as her face grows concerned.
"Lena, my debt is my debt. I'd never put that on you. Ever in this life. Ever. And....I'm not surprised she did that. She's been after you and it was only a matter of time. And...we probably won't be able to be friends much longer."
"Why? We...you are my...you are like my mother in here Miss Rose. I love you so much." I feel tears spring from my eyes as she holds my hand squeezing it.
"And I love you too Lena. I love you enough to let you go. I don't want you getting hurt. You don't have a choice baby. You don't..so you have to have dinner. It will be ok so lets finish our flowers so they will bloom for the next family day." She lets go of my hand as I feel the tears spring down my face hating myself right now and everything about this damm place.
---------------------
STEF POV
"Then we made play dough castles Mama! And I used like four different colors! Do you know my favorite color is purple?" I hear my little six year old daughter say on the other end of the phone. Smiling my widest it was one of the only times I ever smiled in here as the sound of her little squeaky voice pulled on my heart. Taking the photo out that Mike had just mailed me I could see she lost one of her front teeth already and her long pretty curly hair had grown so much.
"Oh yeah babygirl. That sounds like fun sweetheart. And how's school? You listening?" Playing with the phone cord I continue to stare at her little photo.
"I am. I always listen. Mama guess what?"
"What baby? Mm what's up?" I smile again as I look at my sons photo for he too had grown but I could see the sadness in his eyes just like I had during the last time he visited me, even if that had been well over a year ago.
"I love you."
"Aww yeah? I love you too. Very much and keep drawing me more pictures ok? I hang them on my wall sweetheart."
"Really?!! You do?!!"
"You bet I do. Right next to your new photo. The school one your uncle sent me. Babygirl you got so big. You really did."
"I am! I'm six. Almost seven! Even though I just turned six! Mama?"
"Yes honey?"
"When, when, I turn seven then will you come home?" She asks as I let out a heavy sigh for she asked me this on every phone call, every single one and it never got any easier and there was no way I could tell her I only served five years out of at 25 year sentence.
"Well, I'm working on it sweets. Mama is working hard on that real hard so that I can come home."
"Ok. My graduation is ummm I think when it gets hotter out! Maybe then?"
"I hope so babe. But um where's your brother sweetness. He around?" I asked because I knew if I didn't change the subject I was going to fucking burst out into a billion damm tears.
"He's at practice Mama. Do you want me to tell him to call you back?"
"No it's ok baby I'll call him tomorrow. But put you Uncle mike back on the phone baby."
"Ok. Mama?"
"Yes honey?"
"Will you, will you call me again tomorrow?"
"Of course I will. Anything you want. Ok? Now give me kisses."
"I'm giving you tons! I hear her kiss the phone as a wide smile forms on my face once again. "Mama are you giving me some?"
"A million in one my love. A million in one."
The conversations were never fucking easy even if I loved talking to my babies. I did but it was a constant reminder of how much I missed them, how bad I had fucked up and how I would miss out on seeing them grow up. To people in here I was just the leader of the fucking Lions Den, and that's how I wanted it to be. But on the outside of this prison I was a Mama to two kids that I wanted to be with, that I wanted to protect and that I would kill for. Even if neither of them were planned by any means and that when I told my father he beat the literal shit out of me and practically disowned me after Frankie, they were my life and my heart.
FLASHBACK
It seemed like the Sacramento heatwaves we were getting would not let up for it was another day of 102 degrees outside as I grabbed two cherry ice pops from the freezer for me and my babies. Being that I was off today from that fucking shit job I hated at the strip club, I was happy to spend it with my eight year old son Jude, and my little six month old babygirl, Frankie.
"Ma! The best part is coming on! He's about to fight the Russian!" I hear him yell from the upstairs bedroom where we had been watching all the Rocky movies in order since my son was now obsessed with boxing. I had been teaching him how to fight just like my father had taught me so he could defend himself. Last thing I wanted was for him to get his ass kicked in school with people thinking he was some kind of a pussy. That just didn't fly and he knew it. But he was tough much like me and I knew my little girl would be the same.
"I'm coming baby boy! Hold your damm horses now! Mama only got two hands." Grabbing some colas out the fridge I head back upstairs with just my tank and undies on seeing Jude playing with Frankie on the bed. Watching her smile and laugh as she giggles on her belly my son was so good with her as I placed the pops and soda on my nightstand feeling two fans blow on us. One my sister Roxy had given us and the other from my girlfriend, Violet.
"I think she's getting it now Ma. I think she's getting the crawling thing. Well at least the tummy thing."
"Yeah? Well it's because she has a good big brother who teaches her baby." I smile laying down on the bed and kiss my babygirl on the cheek a million times. I loved her, I loved her sweet little brown curly hair, light chocolate skin and hazel eyes. Even if her father was an absolute piece of shit who seemed to enjoy kicking my ass around, she was my world, her and her brother as I look at my son.
"I try Mom. But, I'm glad you're home today."
"Yeah? Me too love. Soo lets finish the movies up sweets. We still got more to watch."
"Ok." He smiles as I grab my babygirl feeding her an ice pop and ruffling my sons brown hair.
"Love you handsome" I wink as he leans his head on my arm.
"I love you to Mom and I like when it's just us."
"I do too sugar. I do too."
Course we never made it through all the Rocky movies that night but what I loved more was falling asleep beside my kids with not a sound or care in the world. That was what kept me sane, that is what relieved my anxiety as I held them both close next to me loving the site of them. And I always would.
FLASHBACK ENDS
Course I didn't live the most kosher life, even after my father threw me out, and out of his life which was more crime ridden then anything, I didn't know how to make an honest living, because I was never taught that. Neither me or Roxy, who lived with us from the time she was nine and wasn't blood related but I called her my sister anyway. But the both of us, especially me, were taught how to lie, steal, rob, hurt, and kill. We were taught to manipulate, to take charge, to cause fear and to inflict pane. I never had a real job, I barely finished school and I knew nothing about earning an honest living. Not one thing.
But that was not something I was teaching my kids or wanted them to know anything about. And I knew Mike wouldn't either for he was one of the only legitimate people in their lives and I was grateful he was raising them while I was locked up in this shit hole.
"Can't find her ass." I hear Rox say as I hang up the phone and we head back to our cell block with the other Den members following behind.
"Raquel?"
"Yup. Moved again. I wish her ass would stay in one fucking place Stef. Have me all worried and fucking shit."
"I know. I know it. You want Mike to try and find her?"
"Nah, she will turn up. I'll wait it out a bit. Gonna get some chips from the commissary. Want any?"
"Nah I'm good. Thanks." I say as she heads off and I can only feel bad for her too for even if Rox never talked about it she felt she had failed as a mother too.