Time: 12:39 PM, Sunday
Time left before Niall leaves for Paris: 4 hours
HS
Hearing his voice, is all I need and it's all I want. Unfortunately, you can't always get what you want, can you?
I stare out of my window, the afternoon sun shining through. My eyes are burning with tiredness, my stomach is grumbling in hunger, but I somehow just can't bring myself to do anything about it.
The scene replays, over and over again in my head. His cold words, how he said he didn't love me, how he made me leave. How I walked away. And fucking Elijah Reynolds, and his stupid cocky face. But honestly, he can go stick a cactus up his crusty arsehole. Dickhead.
But what hurts even more wasn't the fact that I had to walk away. But it's the fact that he didn't even bother running after me.
I mean, isn't it absolutely terrifying? How you can go from someone being a complete stranger, to being completely in love with them and then suddenly, they're just not here, and they just don't care? And the scariest part of it all, is that you don't even know why.
Does he even know what he's doing to me?
I just want him out of my head now. Please and thank you.
Obviously, asking my mind nicely doesn't work. I push myself out of my study, heading down to my kitchen, peeking in through my wine cooler. The only way to rid of my thoughts of Niall, is by drinking. But I've learnt my lesson from two nights ago. I won't get pissed drunk. Just tipsy enough to remove this painful, aching feeling I feel inside.
Who the hell cares if it's midday?
I pop the bottle of wine open, reaching for a glass, pouring the deep red liquid into it. I raise the glass to sip, feeling the sweet burn on my tongue and throat. It was soft and comforting, therapeutic almost.
Just like Niall was.
Well, fuck Niall.
I took another sip. A larger one this time. Then another, and another, and another.
On my forth glass, I finally made some effort to put some food into my stomach besides simply filling myself up with wine. Pop tarts and left over chicken from a couple of nights ago. Weird combination, but I just really couldn't be arsed. After that pathetic lunch, I took another glass of wine. I was tempted to take another, but I stop myself because I'm just so exhausted. So fucking exhausted from all the fatigue and lethargy, and from Niall running through my mind all day.
I toss the glass and plates into the sink, and drag myself back up into my bedroom.
As I lay on my bed, my mind spins, and I'm flooded with blurred images of Niall. But I just.. don't feel anything. I know I'm mad and heartbroken and sad about Niall, but now, I just don't feel anything about it. I'm just numb and lost and empty. Like, I'm nothing but a shell.
And before my mind could process what was happening, the alcohol in me starts controlling my actions. I find myself pushing my body out of bed, and towards my drawer. I dig through my clothes, before pulling out a black hoodie. Niall's hoodie.
I bring the material up to my nose, inhaling deeply. I release a soft sigh, letting his fresh, musky scent invade my senses.
And with that simple whiff, it somehow, made every single raw emotion rush back to me. I grip the fabric tightly between my fingers, desperately trying to fight back the tears. Obviously, not working so well.
Why do I do this to myself?
You're such an idiot Harry. You knew jolly well that holding his hoodie would just make you feel even worse.
That's the thing really. I know it for myself that I'm just worsening my pain. Yet, here I am, somehow, still latching onto the item that is causing my pain. In terms of both the hoodie and Niall himself. Why? I don't know.
Tears fall from my eyes once again, and it's funny, because I would have thought that by now, I'd be all dried up, with not a single drop of tear left in me.
And I just can't be bothered to hold back on them any further. I could just drown in them if I wanted to. Because that's something I learnt this couple of days: Tears are how our hearts speak when we can't. The alcohol may be able to make me forget about Niall, even if it's just for awhile. But I know deep down, he's still making his mark in my heart.
I inhale shakily, pulling his hoodie over my head before walking back towards my bed.
I still can't help but hug the pillow he sleeps on close to me, and I still can't help but to breathe in the last whiff of his scent. It's barely there, but still there.
That's what I hate. I hate that I can smell him, but not him. I hate how I can see him. In my mind. But not in real life. I hate how I feel so lost without him here. I hate how I'm still so fucking in love, but he isn't. Though, what I hate the most, is that I'm still hoping. Hoping he would sneak in through my window and lay with me without any problems.
But he's not going to, and that's what hurts.
All I want is to wake up, in the middle of the night, to roll over, to see his face, our skins touching, and know that I'm right where I'm supposed to be.
But I'm not where I'm supposed to be. He isn't either. That's what hurts as well.
Everything hurts.
I turn on my side, burying my face into his pillow, but something stops me. Something that is jabbing uncomfortably into my hip bone.
I frown in annoyance, arching my body off the bed slightly, running my hands over my sheets, finding absolutely nothing. I roll my eyes, deciding that it's nothing, before lying myself back down again, only for it to continue poking into my bone.
This time, I groan, sitting myself up, pulling back the blanket, to still see absolutely nothing on my bed. That is, until I realise that that object that is jabbing into my side, isn't on the bed. It's in Niall's jacket.
I'm fumbling through the pockets, until my fingers land on a rectangular piece of hard plastic. I anxiously pull it out, my eyes landing on the black device in my hand.
I flip it around, my heart skipping a beat as I see the small note taped onto it.
Play me. -Ni x
I gently tear out the small note, inspecting the device in my hand, until I notice that it's a recorder. A tape recorder. Not the instrument. Wow, talk about old fashion. That's what I love about him though.
I click on the red button on the top, hearing the mechanisms in them start to whirl.
Then, he speaks, and my heart starts pounding a mile a minute in anticipation.
"Harry, love. Hi." Hearing his voice made my heart skip a beat. Then there was a pause before he inhales a deep breath. "I know what you're thinking. That I'm old fashion for using a recorder to speak to you. But really, it's the most convenient and the easiest. Anyway, I'll be leaving for Paris on Sunday afternoon. About four, I think, so by the time you hear this, I'm most probably already in Paris or at least on my way there. And... I know by now, you must be hating me. For leaving you, and most importantly, for breaking your heart. What I'm doing, or well, about to do, is for you, and I'd do anything in my power to keep you safe. But I want you to trust me when I say this, whatever I did or whatever I said to you to hurt your feelings, is not true. You may find it hard to believe, but yes, they're all lies. Because the only truth you need to know, is that I do fucking love you. Like, I'm truly, madly, crazily and deeply in love with you, Harry. And I don't ever want you to doubt that for a second. I can seriously just go on and on about how much I love you and how much you mean to me. But before that, there's something I want you to listen to first. Pause this recording, and play the next one. Listen to it, and then get back to this. Now pause. I'll wait." I can't help but to breathe out a short laugh, before pausing the recording. I breathe in a deep breath, wiping away the tears. My head is in a whirl and my heart still continues to beat so strong I think my chest is gonna burst.
I press the track button, the tiny screen on the recorder showing that it's jumping to the next track.
There is a lot more grain and noise in this recording. Definitely outdoors. There was a little bit of shuffling and muffled speaking before I hear Niall's voice.
"How'd you find Harry's address? Who told you?"
"Why don't I give you a hint?" The blood from my face drains. If my suspicious are right, that sounds like Leo. "It's someone he used to be close with." Leo says.
Niall gasps softly. "Louis. Louis Tomlinson."
"Bingo."
There's a short pause. I wasn't too surprised about this because Niall already told me and I've talked to Louis about this.
"I know what you're thinking. You're thinking of why he did it, aren't you?"
Another pause.
"I'll tell you why. I made a deal with him he just couldn't refuse."
"Which is what?"
"If he told me where Harry lives, he can have Harry back. You see, Niall. Harry broke his heart. And Louis wants everyone he loves away from him. Both Liam, and you."
"Why Liam? What did he do?"
"Nothing. He just wants Harry for himself. Plain and simple."
"But don't get mad at him. He was just... acting on his emotions."
"Why do you want to know Harry's address anyway?" Niall asks.
"I don't... Oh come on," then he chuckles. "It's not like I'm gonna send bombs or skulls or body parts to his house. I just wanted to shake him up a little."
"Why are you doing this to Harry and I? What did we even do to you guys?" Niall asks exasperatedly.
"Oh, Niall. You didn't do anything to us." And I can simply imagine the cocky smile he has on.
"Then what the fuck is your problem?"
"Don't have to get all hostile, mate. We're just having some fun."
"Fun? You think this is fun? Getting my boyfriend's address from his psychotic ex, embezzling funds from his studio he worked so hard on, making him pay up a ransom that was threatening me?? Is that fun??"
"You need to see it from my point of view, mate. Making those deals, watching you guys try to find out who's the account holder. It's funny, really," he snorts out a laugh. "Funny to see you guys try so hard. Want to know what's even funnier? What's funnier is that you guys are absolute idiots. You took so long to figure it all out when the answers were displayed out in front of you all along. We wanted you guys to find out who we were. Do you really think we're that stupid? Don't you think it was a little too easy to find out that I was the sender of the email? That I was the one embezzling the funds from his studio?"
"Why? Why'd you want us to find out it was you?"
"Simple. We just wanted you to come to us."
"What made you so sure we wouldn't call the cops on you?"
"Dumb question. Because I know that you wouldn't want to go to jail too, and leave your precious boy toy behind."
"What do you want?"
"We want to make you a deal."
"Like hell I'm gonna make a deal with you snakes."
"Oh, but I'm sure you'd like this." A short pause. "How 'bout this. We'll return all the money that was embezzled from your boyfriend's studio, plus, I'll call off the 35 million dollar debt. As a bonus, I'll let you ask me one question, anything at all. If you just do three simple things for me."
Wait three? Niall only mentioned two to me.
"Let's hear it first."
"First, no calling the cops on us."
A short pause.
"Second, we want you to traffic some loot for us."
"How much of it?"
"A million."
"A million? A million dollars worth of drugs?"
"Up for it?"
"What's the catch?"
"Smuggle it over to Paris. Get the drugs to the rendezvous point, hand it over to the buyer and half the deal is yours."
"You're fucking crazy." Niall snaps. "Don't you know how risky it is to transport 15 fucking kilograms worth of drugs? Let alone to another fucking country?!"
"A million worth of drugs, versus 40 million dollars back to your boyfriend. It's a pretty good fucking deal if you ask me."
"What's the last of my part?"
"This is the interesting part." Then there's a tensed silence, before he speaks again. Lowly, but I heard it nonetheless. And it was enough to make my blood run cold. "I want you to cut that boyfriend of yours, out of your life. If not, we will be the ones to do it."
My stomach is tied up in a tight knot, my entire body going pale and cold. So that's why. Why didn't Niall just tell me from the start? That this was all part of a deal. So, he's gonna come back... Right?
"Like fucking hell I will." Niall's angry voice brings me back to focus on their conversation.
Leo chuckles. "Tell you what," he pauses again. "Cut him off, and we swear to never bother him ever again. No threats, no ransoms, all his money returned. It'll be like he doesn't even exist to us."
"You're fucking sick. Why are you doing this? Do you get some sort of sick thrill out of ruining people's lives?"
There was a short moment of silence before a loud thud sounds, followed by a painful groan.
"You guys are a bunch of fucking sadistic dickheads." Niall yells and Leo chuckles humourlessly.
"I guess I sort of deserved that." So I'm assuming Niall punched him in the face. Good on him. "Either way, you have up till Sunday midnight to tell me. Bye now."
"You owe me an answer to a question."
"Right, I almost forgot. What do you wanna know?"
"I get that Louis is just a psycho ex who just can't let go and is pissed at Harry, and I get that you're just doing your job based on orders. So really, what exactly is Elijah fucking Reynolds' motive? Why is he doing what he's doing?"
"Haven't you heard the phrase, 'greed and jealousy has poisoned men's souls'? He has been poisoned way too much. And now, all he wants is... control."
"That's a fucking shit answer, Leo Tatum! What is that supposed to mean? That he wants to control our lives?! That he's just a fucking sadistic bastard?!"
There's a little bit of fuzziness before the recording ends.
I stare at the recorder in my hands, letting Niall and Leo's conversation sink into my still slightly hazy mind.
At least now I know why he's doing what he's doing. I don't agree with it, obviously, but if I was in his shoes I'd do the same.
I can't help but to let the little ray of hope flicker within me. Maybe, just maybe there's a chance for us. Niall's just doing this because he was forced to. Maybe once they get apprehended, Niall and I will be fine. Was this Niall's plan all along? To record their conversation, and for me to hand it in to the cops? He did ask me to turn them in. He didn't even care if by doing so, he'll be getting caught as well. But he asked me to do that before this deal was made. So does he still want me to bring the cops into this?
I groan in frustration. Then, I remembered his recording for me. I quickly replayed his track, fast forwarding to where I stopped.
"I hope you caught and understood all of that. I'm sorry I couldn't tell you myself earlier. If Leo or Elijah found out that you knew, there's no telling what they would do. To you." He sighs softly. "That was the night when I went with Zayn to talk to the insider, I popped by a gas station, got this crappy recorder, to record down conversations just in case. And what do you know, it was useful after all. You have no idea how nervous I was when I was talking to Leo. Not because of him, but mostly because I was afraid the recorder wasn't working." He cracks a small laugh, and a small smile tugs at my lips as well. Who knew I could miss that sound so much?
"But anyway, now do you realise why I did what I did? I'm sorry if I said words I never meant, or even did something I regretted. But baby, you need to understand that I never sought to hurt you. I never wanted to put you through any of this. I never wanted you dragged into this mess, and I most definitely didn't plan to fall in love with you. I only want to be with you. I don't want anything more than that, and I care about you more than anything. Meeting you, and everything we have, it's everything to me. You mean everything to me and I love you, Har. And that means I would defend you with my life even if the odds were insurmountable. That's why I need to do this. I need to go. For now at least, to keep you safe. I intend to keep my promise to you, H, that we will work things out. But for now, I need to do this. All I ask from you is to keep this to yourself. No one can know that you know about my deal with Leo. And when I'm back from Paris, that is, if I don't get caught, I swear upon my life, that we will make us work. I'm not giving up on us, H, and I don't plan to, because you are so, so worth fighting for. So please, just don't give up on me either and wait for me. I love you, Harry."
My heart swells with fondness, and it's pounding, dancing and prancing so hard around in the constrain of my ribs that I was afraid it would break right through the bones.
He loves me. Oh my god, HE LOVES ME!
Tears are streaming down my face. But this time, in happiness.
I hurriedly grab my phone. 1:54PM. He's still here. I can still catch him.
But wait. Is it really a good idea to see him now? If someone catches me with him, all his efforts will be gone to waste. I sigh frustratedly, running my fingers through my hair, finding myself nibbling on my bottom lip in thought.
Fuck this.
----
Awkward ending, sorry x
By the way, in case anyone's confused, you can read chapter 37 again. In there, I briefly mentioned about Niall getting a pocket knife and 'other things' from the gas station. That 'other thing' is this recorder, which I didn't want to include because I didn't want to give it away x
as usual, thanks for reading babes, feedback would be greatly appreciated xxx