Jaycee's POV:-
It's been two day.
Forty eight hours that I haven't heard her voice.
Forty eight hours that I haven't seen her face.
Haven't felt her touch.
Haven't smelled her scent.
Forty eight hours and nothing entered my system but smoke and caffeine. My brain was running on four hours of sleep and endless anxiety. My heart pumped blood that reeked of betrayal and pain.
A lot of questions were bombing my brain.
Where are you?
Why did you leave me?
Why didn't you take me with you?
Don't you love me?
How can you muster up the nerve to abandon me?
Am I not what you wanted?
Why Alexis?
Am I not good enough?
Am I not worth it?
Am I not worth an explanation?
A sticky note glued to my forehead would've been better than this silence. Anything would've been better than this silence.
Anything.
I've done so much for this girl, I've invested so much into protecting her and making her happy. I waited for four years to tell her that I love her. Love her. And in the end, all I get in return is abandonment.
I don't think my heart can take another one of these sudden disappearances anymore.
I can't.
I've had enough.
I can't keep on loving her if she won't do the same.
But can you un-love her? Asked my conscious.
No. I can't.
Doesn't mean I won't try, I thought as I lit up my nth cigarette.
The smoke was only doing so much in helping me cope, but my heart felt like it was stabbed five hundred times. My tears literally dried. My brain shut down.
What else am I supposed to do? Die? Well I'm already there.
She said she loved me.
She lied.
She said she cared for me.
She lied.
She said she'll always be there.
She lied.
I love her.
I care for her.
I'll always be there.
But she won't.
Not anymore.
And I don't know how long I can keep holding on to a rope that only seems to be slipping from my hands. How long can I hold on to someone that wants to let go? How long can my heart take more of this numbing pain? How long can I stay like this?
Maybe for as long as possible.
But how long is that?
I don't know.
What if I'm not strong enough to hold on?? What if I'm an addict and my only drug is somewhere between Los Angeles and New York?
I'd die.
For sure.
So no. I can't hold on anymore. I can't do this to myself. I've invested too much of my emotions into this that I've got nothing else to offer. I gave everything I have to her. I gave all of me, and now I'm empty. I'm numb; shattered. Broken. Drained. I've got nothing else to give. Nothing!
"What else do you want from me Alexis?" I screamed at the sky.
"What else could you possibly want from me? Do you want my soul? Is that what it'll take to get you to come back?! The take it! Take it! I don't want it! Just please... please come back! I am nothing without you, why can't you see that? Why are you so adamant on hurting me?! Why...?" I trailed as I silently sobbed on the swing.
I hate crying. I hate showing feelings. But somehow, when it comes to her, I can't control anything. I can't control my impulses. I can't control my tears. I can't control my feelings. I love her too much and it's killing me. It's ruining me. It's draining my body and soul of energy and I can't do this. Not anymore. I'm not going to let anyone kill me like that; not even her.
After a while of just sitting on the swing and crying my heart out and smoking, I took out my phone and with shaking hands and a heavy heart; dialled her number.
Love 👑❤️: Hello lovely amazing people! I'm sorry I'm not here to take your call! Please leave a message and I'll get back to you as soon as I possibly can. Have an awesome day!!
I missed her voice so much it physically hurt to hear it.
I missed her.
But this is why I'm doing this.
Me: "Alexis Raven Pierce. I have never loved anyone as much as I have loved you and I have no doubt in my mind that you're the only one that I'll ever love. I've held it a secret for so long until I no longer did, because I knew you felt the same way...."
I was becoming more emotional and at this point I had no control over the volume of my voice. Tears blinded my eyesight and my voice shook but I knew that in order for me to be able to move on, I needed to let this all out of my system.
So I took a breath and continued.
"...But now... now I wish I would've just kept my mouth shut because you gave me new but false hope the minute you said it back. You gave me so much joy but now - at this time and place- all that joy has been crushed. You crushed it Alexis. You! My heart is broken! My mind is a mess! I'm empty inside and it's all your fault! You made empty promises and to make matters worse; you left! You abandoned me! You tore my heart from its place! You ruined me Alexis! And I don't know if I can ever forgive you for that! I can never forgive you for making me this way! I'm broken and only you're to blame for this! It's all your fault!" The last part came out in a barely audible whisper.
Call has ended.
I didn't know I was shaking until Sabrina came and hugged me so tight.
I started crying on her shoulders.
"Shshsh, It's going to be alright." She whispered, rocking me back and forth.
"Everything will be alright Jay." She cooed as she patted my hair, something she used to do to calm me down when we were in grade five.
"She left me Reena." I whispered.
"She left us all." She said, sadness masked her voice.
"I love her. What if that never goes away and I'm left feeling broken my whole life?" I hated the weakness in my voice.
I hate that she makes me weak.
"She won't be gone forever Jay Jay. She'll be back and I know that she has a good reason for leaving the way she did. She loves you so much and I know for a fact that she would rather die than hurt you."
"I'm already hurting." I said as I sat back up, wiping away my tears.
"I know sweetheart. I genuinely don't know what to say to make you feel better, but I have your back." She says, with a genuine smile on her face.
"I know."
*****
With one last look at the house, we locked the doors and headed towards the big van that waited to drive us home.
Everyone was dead silent. We all felt betrayed by the one person who promised to stick by us.
Aaron had this headphones on and his mouth was in a straight line; no longer the clown.
Ashton slept throughout the whole thing because sleeping - for him - was way better than facing reality.
Sabrina and Brenda both held on to each other with their puffy red eyes and boxes of tissue.
Jace sat next to the window, looking completely defeated because the person who was there for him in the past, left without an explanation. His eyes showed misery and sorrow and I truly felt sad for him.
As for me, I had my headphones plugged in, playing random songs.
As I looked out the window, memories of my favourite girl started playing in my head; despite my disagreement.
For some reason, I had a smile on my face because the song that came on was one I held very closely to my heart.
Although this song struck very close to home; it was starting to feel like it was the whole world against me.
The thought of not having this song play at our wedding made my heart hurt.
She left.
I needed to get over that.
And someday I will.
But for now... I need to forget.
I need to forget Alexis Pierce.
(Maybe this isn't EXACTLY right but it definitely fits this scenario)
👑👑👑👑👑👑👑👑👑👑👑👑👑👑👑👑👑
Heeeyyyyy!!! How's everyone doing?!
Hope you guys liked it!!! This would most likely be the last Jay POV for a while!
Soooo whataya think is gonna happen??? Do you agree with Jaycee that he should forget Alexis??
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