January 12th 2017
•••
Taylor's POV
"Are you sure you wanna do this?" Karlie asks and I turn to look at her. "After what happened, its probably best if I make this check up. They told me to check in with a doctor when I got back anyway and I haven't done that, and anyway, we need to make sure Maisie's developing properly so this is for her, not me." I sigh, repeating the same excuses I've been telling myself since I
made my decision.
"Okay, i'm going to get Maisie ready, we still have plenty of time so don't push yourself too much." She warns me before leaving the room. I sigh and look into the mirror in front of me. I'm already dressed, I just have to cover the bruising on my face and neck and then I should be good to go.
Karlie has been amazing the past couple of days. I can't say that anything has gone back to the way it was before, but it's definitely getting slowly better. I've started leaving my bed a bit more and Karlie hasn't given up on pushing me to get better. She's sleeping with me at night which helps a bit, I feel safe with her but it still doesn't stop the nightmares from plaguing me. I honestly don't know what I would do without her.
I cover my face and neck with concealer, making sure that none of the bruises are clearly visible and then for the first time in a while, I do a full face of makeup. I wanna put on a brave face and make it look like I'm unaffected, I don't want the world to know how much this has really broken me.
When I'm done, I get up, leaving everything scattered all over the vanity table. I'll tidy it later. I take all of my stuff from the side of the bed and leave the room. "Karlie?" I say as I walk around the downstairs of the house, looking for the two. "We're in here." She calls after me and I follow the sound of her voice into the dining room. She's putting Maisie into her carseat and I stand beside her as I look down at the baby. "Are you ready?" She asks and I nod, tucking Maisie's blanket around her as Karlie checks the diaper bag.
"Let's go then." The woman smiles as she picks up Maisie's car seat. I take the diaper bag and hang it over my shoulder as I follow her out of the house. The car is waiting in the driveway and I climb in one side as Karlie clicks Maisie into the other. I sit in the middle and finish fixing Maisie as Karlie gets in beside me.
When we're all ready, Ian pulls out of the driveway and onto the street. Karlie reaches for my hand and I jump a little but soon relax as her fingers entwine with mine. "Are you okay?" She asks as I stare out of the window, my thumb absentmindedly stroking the side of her hand. "Yeah, just a little nervous." I smile softly and she squeezes my hand.
We stay silent for the rest of the ride, neither of us knowing what to say. Karlie's been my only source of comfort and security the past couple of days, but last night I woke up from a nightmare so bad that I couldn't sleep the rest of the night and she just comforted me and held me until I calmed down, and I spent the rest of the night tending to Maisie and listening to Karlie's steady breaths to keep myself calm.
We pull into the car park of the doctors clinic and Karlie keeps a firm grip on my hand as we get out of the car together. We decided that it's the best option for us to keep at least one member of my security team with us at all times, just as a precaution, and Ian kindly removes the car seat from the car and carries Maisie inside, keeping close to mine and Karlie's side as we walk a couple of steps ahead.
We go to reception first and they tell us to go straight through to the doctors office to wait for the them to join us in a minute. Karlie takes Maisie from Ian who's going to wait outside the door, and we go into the room. The baby is starting to get restless lying in her carseat, so I take her out and she lies happily in my arms as we wait for the doctor to come into the room.
Karlie's hand doesn't leave mine as we wait and the touch of her skin, the warmth and familiarity, it keeps me grounded as my mind runs into overdrive.
The door opens, startling us as the sound of heels on the hard floor fills the comfortable silence. "Taylor, Karlie. I would say it's nice to see you again but given your recent ordeals I'm sure you'd rather be anywhere but here right now." The woman hits it bang on the head as she greets us. If I could be anywhere right now I'd be at home in bed, hiding away from my life forever.
"Let's get on with things shall we? I'm sure you'd like to get this over with quickly." She smiles softly and I nod, agreeing.
She weighs the baby, measures her and makes sure everything's in order before asking a couple of questions, her eating habits, sleeping habits, recent changes we've noticed, that kind of thing and then finally she asks if there's anything we'd like to ask. There is something that's been playing on my mind the past couple of days, "will she remember anything that happened this young?" I ask and Karlie gently squeezes my hand, she knows what I'm talking about. "Because of her age, it isn't very likely but there is a small chance that a traumatic event can come back to affect her in a couple of years when it comes to developing relationships and emotional development."
I sigh as I nod, that's the last thing I want.
"Taylor, today's appointment is a check up for you too, so if I can ask you to take a seat up on the exam table and Miss Kloss, would you mind waiting outside." She looks over to Karlie and my eyes flicker in her direction where she's looking at me to make sure I'll be okay alone, I just nod and smile and she squeezes my hand before letting go and getting up.
I take a deep breath and with shaky hands, I get up and walk over to the exam table, taking a seat on the edge as I cradle Maisie close to me.
"Okay, so your notes were sent over by the Nashville hospital you stayed at last week." The woman looks at me and I give her a fake smile but immediately avoid eye contact, looking down to Maisie instead. "We can avoid the general exams today because they did them at the hospital, but there's some bruising in your chart that they were worried about and I was hoping you'd allow me to make sure there's not something more serious going on underneath." She's smiling softly and I nod as I try to hold back the tears forming in my eyes, so much for putting on a brave face.
I get up and clip Maisie into her car seat, wincing as I try to lift it up off of the floor and onto the exam table. I just brush it off and make sure she's secure before turning back to the doctor. "Okay, so if you can take your shirt off and turn around." She's trying to be as nice as possible but with a shaky breath I take my shirt off to reveal the horrendous marks on my skin.
She approaches me from behind and when I feel her hands on my back I flinch away from her touch. The tears start falling silently down my cheeks as she inspects the bruising around my spine. "How has the pain been?" She asks as she moves away and I pull my shirt back on. "It's been bad, but I've been managing." I sigh as I turn back around and sit on the little bed. "And how has your mental state been?" She asks, catching me off guard.
I don't really know what to say so I stay silent. "You don't have to be embarrassed or scared, it's very common for rape victims to develop-" I cut her off, "I'm not a victim, that makes it sound like I didn't know what I was getting myself into, I knew what I was doing walking in there.. I just didn't think he would ever.." I sigh as I fade off, unable to finish my sentence. I never thought he would do what he did, but it's my own fault for being so naive. "Taylor, none of this is your fault. He shouldn't have assaulted you the way he did, that was wrong. All you did was protect your baby, that's it, you didn't ask him to do that to you."
She smiles softly at me but I feel the uncomfortableness and anxiety creeping up on me. "I would like you to think about counselling, have you been sleeping?" She asks which makes me consider how tired I must look. "Not really, I can only sleep when Karlie's beside me and I get awful nightmares which keep me awake most of the night, as well as dealing with Maisie, I haven't been sleeping much." I fiddle with my fingers and avoid making eye contact with the woman. "How about eating? Have you been eating enough?" I shake my head at that, I don't have much of an excuse other than food makes me feel sick.
"If I'm honest I've barely been able to make it out of bed most days. Karlie's been keeping Maisie most of the day and trying to help me, but I just feel so worthless and disgusting." I try and wipe my tears with the edge of my sweater sleeve and she looks at me with eyes full of sympathy. "I really think it would be beneficial for you to look into some form of counselling if you don't start feeling better soon. You're tired and overwhelmed as a new mum and you're trying to cope with a physical and psychological trauma at the same time. You're going to exhaust yourself and if you push too hard then you're only going to feel worse." I nod as I take in the information, but I don't like the idea at all, it doesn't seem like my kind of thing. "I'll think about it." I give her a fake smile and she sighs as she looks at me but nods and stands up.
"Okay, take care of yourself and I'll see you both in a few weeks." She walks towards the door as I start gathering the few items I brought with me. She lets Karlie back inside and the woman smiles gently as she approaches us, picking up Maisie's car seat as she takes my hand. "Thank you, I'll think about what you said." I acknowledge the doctor as I leave her office and she smiles kindly.
Ian's waiting outside the door as we leave and close it behind us and he keeps a couple of steps ahead as we leave the building. It's not like last time, there aren't any cameras or men screaming so we get back to the car without a hitch and quickly get everything clipped into where it's supposed to be and get in before starting the short drive home.
"I have a little surprise when we get back." Karlie looks over to me and I furrow my eyebrows, confused. "What kind of surprise?" I ask and she smirks a little. "You'll see." I roll my eyes, she does this every time.
When we get home, Karlie gets out first and you can see the excitement for whatever she's got planned. I take Maisie out of the car and follow Karlie into the house. I try and take the baby into the living room but before I can open the door, Karlie stops me. "What're you doing?" I ask as I put Maisie down and cross my arms.
She just ignores me and continues smirking as she takes Maisie out of the car seat. I hear a noise from inside the living room and raise an eyebrow as I open the door.
"What're you doing here!" I'm confused but happy when I spot Blake and the two kids sitting in my living room. "Honey, I think you know why I'm here." She smiles as she gets up and walks over to me, I glance away from her eyes, I know exactly why she's here.
"I've missed you." I smile and she opens her arms to me and I willingly take the hug. "I've missed you too."
•••
Karlie's POV
"Hey mere." I laugh as the cat jumps up on the bed. It's like a family reunion in here, except there's three adults, a toddler, two babies and two cats. Olivia is lying on Taylor as Maisie takes a nap in the bassinet beside us, Blake is between us, James is at the bottom and little Ines is asleep on me, so I think Meredith was starting to feel left out, she skulked on up here and is now lying at the bottom of the bed, far enough away so that she's still here but nobody can reach her.
Taylor has been a lot more talkative and open today and it makes me so happy to see her feeling a little better, even if it all goes away by tomorrow, but I think Blake being here is helping.
"You know what I think we could both really use?" I speak up and they glance over to me, "I think we should go for a walk, out in the fresh air. There's a hiking trail not far from here." Taylor seems to think about it for a minute, really observing my face as she does so. "I think that's a good idea." She agrees and I'm slightly surprised, "really?" I question her just to make sure I'm not going insane but she smiles and nods in response. "It's a nice day so I don't see why not." We both look to Blake now and she agrees.
"Come on then, these two have been asleep for ages so they should be waking up soon anyway." Taylor smiles as she gets up from the bed and I hand Ines back to Blake. "James, honey, come on." Blake holds her hand out for the little girl and she runs to her mom as they leave the room. They're staying in my room since I've been sleeping in Taylor's bed recently anyway.
"Are you sure you wanna do this?" I ask Taylor again when we're alone and she smiles and nods. A small part of me doesn't believe her but I don't want to push her either.
•••
"Hey sleepyhead." I smile as I pick up Maisie who is lying awake in her bassinet. The baby stretches and gurgles as she rests in my arms and I carry her through to her room.
"Karlie?" Taylor comes into the room as she notices us. "What're you doing?" She asks and I lie Maisie on her play mat. "She threw up on her outfit this morning, I was going to put her in something a little warmer than just a onesie since it's still January and everything." She nods and sits down beside the baby on the floor as I rake through her closet for an outfit. I laugh to myself as I find something that should put a smile on the blondes face.
I grab a plain white sleeper, diaper and wipes too and go back to Taylor and Maisie. I sit in front of Maisie and change her diaper before putting her in the sleeper and then I put her in the giraffe jumpsuit that Kristine got her for Christmas. "Oh Karlie, that's adorable." She laughs and I admire her as she does, I haven't seen her really laugh in ages.
"Are we ready to go then?" I ask as I pick the baby up and push myself off of the ground before helping Taylor up. "Yep, lets go." She smiles and we walk downstairs together.
"Are you guys ready?" I ask Blake as we meet her at the bottom of the stairs. "I just need to find her shoes and then were good." She looks frustrated with James as she hunts for where the little girl abandoned her shoes.
"What're we taking? The baby carrier or the stroller?" I ask as I hand Maisie over and Taylor straps her into the car seat. "I think the carrier might be easier." She says and I nod, going out into the hall and taking it out of the closet, grabbing my coat and Taylor's at the same time. "Here." I smile as I hand her the coat and she pulls it on as I grab Maisie.
I have the carrier, diaper bag and the baby as we leave the house and Taylor opens the trunk as I sit Maisie down. I throw the stuff in the back as Blake appears with James and Ines in tow. She leaves the kids beside us and runs inside to grab her stroller and diaper bag. I leave the trunk open as I start piling kids into the car, putting Ines's car seat in one side as Blake appears again. "Which one of us is sitting between the babies?" I ask and they share a look before looking back to me, I just roll my eyes and walk round the car to get in and as I sit down, Taylor clicks Maisie into place on the other side of me. The two women and the toddler get in the very back, James on the booster seat between them.
"I never thought I'd see this car full." Taylor laughs and we both laugh along with her, there are so many people in such a small space- 8 of us if you count the security team.
We live outside of the city in a small suburban neighbourhood so the hiking path isn't too far away from our house, only five or so minutes and soon enough we're unpacking the car again. I'm not complaining though, being stuck between two car seats isn't the most comfortable place to sit.
Blake takes her baby out first and I climb out of that side since Maisie's car seat is staying in the car. Taylor takes Maisie out of the car seat and manages to get her into the baby carrier as I help Blake get the two kids out of the car and set up her double stroller. James insists on walking so we eventually give in to her, knowing she'll change her mind eventually but soon enough all three children are content and we set off- James holding my hand, Blake pushing Ines and Taylor with Maisie strapped to her chest and the two security guys walking behind us.
"Who thought leaving the house would be such a production." Taylor observes out loud and Blake laughs, "it's always like this for us, just wait until she's a little older and starts moving things." She shakes her head as she looks at her older daughter and I smile.
"I don't even wanna think about Maisie being that big, it's terrifying." Taylor's hand is on Maisie's back as she speaks and I reach for her empty one and she smiles as our fingers intertwine. "I know what you mean, they're so small but they grow so quickly and then eventually they're the size of that little monster." James giggles beside me and I grin as I look down at her.
"So where's Ryan?" I ask her and she smiles sadly, "he's filming a new movie so he's spending a lot of time on set." I nod, I know how hard that can be on a relationship but theirs is going to last forever, they're just perfect for each other.
There's a short silence between us as we walk because we're all just enjoying the view, but eventually Blake says something and I automatically feel Taylor get tense. "Have you heard anything back from the police about Adam?" She asks out of genuine concern for her friend, but this is still an incredibly touchy subject for Taylor. "Urm, as far as I know he's in prison." Is the only answer she responds with and I know she's dying for this part of the conversation to be over, and I squeeze her hand a couple of times to reassure her that she's okay.
James is absentmindedly skipping along at my side and she suddenly trips over something, I'm guessing her own feet because there is nothing in the close vicinity for her to fall over. She's only little so she sudden shock and impact sends her to tears and I kneel down to her eye level. I dust off her knees and check for scrapes but there aren't any so I wipe her tears and smile, "hey, you're okay, come here." I stand back up and hold my arms out to her, lifting her up and sitting her on my shoulders and soon enough she's giggling.
"You're so good with kids." Blake shakes her head almost in disbelief and I laugh. "Did you and josh ever think about having one?" She asks and I shake my head, "no, he definitely wasn't the right person to have kids with, but maybe one day." I shrug, she knows what she's doing, she knows how I feel about Taylor.
Taylor strokes the side of my hand with her thumb and as she looks over to me she's smiling softly, but Blake is rolling her eyes with a smirk on her face.
"It's really pretty up here." Taylor changes the subject and as we look around we agree. "It's gorgeous." I agree and little James repeats it. "What're you saying up there cutie?" I laugh as I look up to her and she giggles and says it again.
"You're so cute baby." Taylor coos at the little girl and I smile at her. Taylor seems a lot more upbeat today and I was hoping the presence of Blake and the kids would help her, and it seems to be working.
I look out over the clear sky and sigh happily. This is exactly what we all needed, a breath of fresh air and a moment to think, to evaluate. Everything's going to be okay again, maybe not today and maybe not tomorrow, but one day we're going to be okay.
•••
Taylor's POV
"Blake?" I ask as I knock on the bedroom door and she smiles gently as I walk inside. "What're you guys up to?" I ask as I grin at James who's beside her mom. "Well this little monster is about to go to bed." She tells me as she tickles the little girl. "Auntie Taylor, will you tell me a story?" She looks at me with hopeful eyes and I laugh as I smile, "of course I can, sweetie." I tell her as she jumps around happily. "I've got her if you wanna head on downstairs." I look up to Blake as I sit down beside James. "Are you sure?" She asks and I nod, "I'll put this snuggle-bug to bed and then I'll come downstairs." I tell her as I wrap one arm around James who cuddles into my side. "Okay, if you're sure." She smiles and leaves the room.
"Do you have a specific story in mind?" I ask the little girl and she shakes her head, her curly hair flying everywhere. "Okay, come with me." I smile as I take her by the hand and lead her towards Maisie's room. The baby has a little library in the corner of her room and I've read almost every book in here to her in her short life. "Go ahead and pick one." I tell her and she comes back a couple of seconds later with 'Bedtime For Baby Star' a personal favourite of mine if I must say.
I lead her back to bed and she gets comfortable under the covers as I lie beside her and she curls into my side as I open the book.
"Once there was a baby star. He lived up near the sun. And every night at bedtime that baby star wanted to have fun. He would shine and shine, and fall and shoot and twinkle oh so bright. And he said 'mommy, I'll run away if you make me say good-night." I look down at the little girl as her eyes start to flutter closed. "And then his mommy kissed his sparkly nose and said, 'no matter where you go, no matter where you are, no matter how big you grow and if you stray far, I'll love you forever, because you're always my baby star'."
I finish the story to look down and find James sleeping peacefully by my side. She really tired herself out today and by the time we started walking back to the car she was asleep in the stroller beside her sister. Then we came home and it was a riot from then to get three kids fed, bathed and ready for bed, we haven't even eaten ourselves yet.
I sit the book down but I don't move straight away. I take a moment to myself to breathe since I haven't really had time since this morning. Blake and the kids being here has really helped me forget about everything, I've laughed and smiled more and for a moment I wasn't broken and I had so many people around that love me.
I press a light kiss to James's forehead and carefully move my arm out from underneath her. I get up and tuck her in before leaving the room, closing the door gently so I don't wake her up.
I decide to get changed before going back downstairs, so go into my room and turn a lamp on so that the light isn't bright enough to startle Maisie or Ines who are both asleep in here. There's a basket of clean laundry sitting by the closet that I haven't had the chance to put away yet, so I just grab the first shirt I find and throw it on with a pair of shorts.
I avoid the mirror as I get changed and throw my hair up. It still makes me sick to look at what he did to me, to imagine his hands on my body. I sigh as I look in the mirror and start taking my make up off.
I'm a little nervous about Blake seeing my bruises, she doesn't really know what went on and nobody apart from Karlie has really seen me as exposed and weak as I currently am right now.
I look at my own face and tears start forming in my eyes. I have a huge black eye that spreads over the majority of that part of my face, and my neck and shoulders are bruised from where he tried to hold me down. The memory makes my skin crawl, it's almost as if I can feel him touching me. I break my eyes away from the mirror and get up, if I can't see it then it's not real, that's the ideology I've inherited recently.
I check on the babies before leaving, and I slip Maisie's pacifier back into her mouth after realising that it's fallen out, if she wakes up and realises it's gone then she's going to scream for her life and I'd like to avoid that as long as possible.
I walk out of the bedroom and downstairs, taking a deep breath as I reach the bottom and plaster a fake smile onto my lips as I walk into the living-room. Karlie's on one couch and Blake is on the other, so as I walk in I sit beside Karlie who opens her arms to me and I happily rest my head on her lap as I lie down.
I look up to the TV to see what they're watching and get enthralled as I realise it's Grey's Anatomy. Karlie runs her fingers through my hair as I lie with my head in her lap and I feel incredibly relaxed despite the anxiety that I was feeling a little while ago. "Are you wearing my shirt?" Karlie smiles down at me and I glance down to the shirt I'm wearing -her green NYU shirt. "Urm, yeah." I mumble as I blush and our eyes lock for a couple of seconds, but we're dragged out of the moment by a baby screaming through the baby monitor. "I'll go." Karlie mumbles and I sit up so she can get up.
The second she's out of the room, Blake raises an eyebrow at me with a slight hint of a smirk on her face. "What?" I ask and she laughs, "you know that girl is in love with you, right?" Her words catch me off guard and I blush furiously. "No, she's not." I dismiss her comment and draw my knees to my chest as I sink into the couch cushions. "Yes, she really is Taylor. She told me." The woman argues Back but I shake my head.
I made a promise to Karlie and myself when she was lying in that hospital bed. I promised that when we got Maisie back and we were all safe, I would tell her how I feel, and I haven't done that yet.
"Maisie lost her pacifier." Karlie enters the room again a couple of minutes later and I look over to her as she sits down.
But lately, even despite the constant fear and anxiety I'm experiencing, Karlie has been a light in the dark and I never ever want to lose her, and lately I just want to tell her, I've been so close so many times because I know that I'm safe with her and I've never felt that way with anyone else, not really.
Maybe that's something I need to do, to help myself feel better, maybe it's time to stop acting oblivious and make the next move?