British Bird
Chapter Thirty Eight
Sang
I pace the floor of my room as I listen to the raised voices outside of my door. I'm a coward for hiding, but I can't face them yet. They're not going to be happy when they learn that I asked for Uncle to come here to make sure they get on the plane without a fight, because I just know there is going to be one.
Especially when I tell them what I have to tell them.
Even though it's a lie.
But it has to be enough. They have to hear from me one more time why I cannot go back with them.
I have to do this for me, even if it breaks many hearts in the process. Including my own. It's the best option right now.
Taking a deep breath, I head for my bedroom door and pull it open. The voices get louder, North and Luke's being the loudest. It makes me falter for a heartbeat but I keep going. The room falls silent when I walk into the living room. All eyes turn on me.
Anger. It's what I see in their eyes and it makes my heart drop down to my stomach.
"Sang," Owen says, his voice hard. "Care to explain why Mr Taylor is here?"
My eyes go to Uncle, a face I've avoided looking at until now. I smile because I've wanted to see his face since I was at the airport all those years ago saying 'see you soon'. When he returns my smile, he also gives me an encouraging nod of his head. I've told him almost everything and he's supporting me one hundred percent, even if he doesn't like it.
"You know, there comes a point in your life when you have to come out of your shell and spread your wings," I say, meeting Owen's grey eyes. "Since the day I was born, I've been swaddled in this shell. I've seen good, I've seen bad, I've experienced joy and I've felt loss, but never, ever have I been able to spread my wings and learn to fly."
I pause and blink back tears. "I've gone from foster home to foster home so many times I've lost count. I've met so many people, I can't remember even half of their names. I've jumped from school to school and have had to grow up quicker than I needed too. I've always had someone there, in my shadow, telling me what to do and what not to do."
From the corner of my eyes I watch Gabriel scrub at his face with his hands, wiping away his tears. I want to go over, wrap my arms around him and whisper in his ear that everything is going to be okay.
But I don't.
"For the first time in my life I'm by myself. I don't have any foster parents and I don't have Michelle."
"But you have us," Silas says.
I shake my head sadly. "No I don't."
"Of course you fucking do," North bellows. "We're here, Sang."
"But you're not supposed to be," I shout back. "This isn't your home, North. This is my home, my soil. You don't belong here."
"We belong wherever you are," Kota cries.
"But I'm not here either," I tell him. "I'm not...happy. I exist, but I don't live. I laugh, but it isn't real. I love, but it's not enough. I'm still in that damn shell, wrapped up in layers and I need to peel them back one at a time. If I want to fly, I have to give up everything that's weighing me down."
"And were weighing you down?" Sean asks with a disbelieving shake of his head.
"Yes." No. "You're worthless to me here."
Sean's green eyes narrow on me. "Stop lying."
I hate how they know me so well, even after all these years. I straighten my spine and harden my eyes. "I don't want you here." My voice is harsh, but the serious tone to it even surprises me.
Eyes widen, disbelief washes over their faces and even though it's hard to see, I don't look away. They have to see that I'm being serious, that's it's not tearing me apart inside. I have to clench my fist behind my back to stop myself from rubbing at my chest where it hurts the most.
"Leave," I tell them.
No one moves. My heart continues to break. Tears burn my eyes but I force them back.
Gabriel is the first one to move. He pushes himself to his feet, tears running fast down his cheeks. He walks across the room and towards me. His baby blue eyes, eyes I love, are void of all emotion but one. Anger. Good. He should be angry at me, I deserve it.
"After everything," he whispers, bringing his face close to mine. "You're the last person I expected this from. Right now, I hate you."
My knees almost buckle.
"Congraluations, Sang. You've got what you've wanted." He walks by me and I stare down at the floor as I hear him walk down the hall to my room. A minute later, his footsteps grow louder as he walks back this way. Only he doesn't come into the living room. He walks straight by and towards the front door. He pulls it open and I jump when he slams it shut.
My heart crumbles.
More shuffling sounds around me. Bodies move by me but I stand frozen on my spot looking at the floor.
"You're making a huge mistake," Silas whispers in my ear.
"No I'm not," I whisper, looking up and meeting his dark eyes.
He pulls his head back and looks at me like I'm a stranger. Maybe I am, because I don't feel like me at all. He shakes his head and walks away without another word.
Sean doesn't even look at me as he moves past me. That leaves Owen and Uncle.
Owen's silver eyes lock with mine and he moves to stand in front of me. "I hope you know what you're doing." I don't reply because I have no idea what to say. Shaking his head, he lifts his hand and wraps it around the back of my head before pressing his lips to my forehead. I close my eyes at the contact.
Something wet, a tear, drops onto my temple and I hold back my whimper of pain. He holds his lips to my forehead for long seconds before finally releasing me. "Take care, my beautiful girl."
A few minutes later the door slams shut for the final time, leaving only me and Uncle in my flat. Only hours ago it felt too small, now it feels too big.
On weak legs, I move over to the window and pull back the curtains. Looking down onto the street, I watch as they climb into their cars, slamming the door angrily. I lift my hand up to the window, my fingers touching the cool glass with tenderness. "See you soon," I whisper before finally dropping my knees and releasing the tears, the heartache, the pain.
I only have myself to blame.
xXx
"Drink this," Uncle says. I lift my dry eyes from staring at the wall and see him holding a plain white mug out for me. I take it from him with a small smile of thanks and cradle the mug in my hands, inhaling the smell of the tea he's made me.
I watch as he sits down on one my sofa, taking a sip of his own tea before placing it on the coffee table. "They're at the hotel. Axel and the rest of the Toma team are with them," Uncle explains, lifting his eyes to me.
"Good," I whisper with a nod of my head. I take a small sip of the hot drink before placing it carefully on the floor beside me.
"Listen, Sang..." he trails off and I watch as he runs a hand through his greying hair. "I'm not happy about the way you've handled this, but I respect your wishes."
"I'm not happy about it either. If they had just listened to me then I wouldn't have had to have been so harsh on them," I tell him.
"You could have just told them that you'll be coming to the states when you've got done whatever it is you need to do," Uncle argues gently.
"No, I couldn't have done. And the reason I didn't is because I don't know how long this will take me. It could be a month, maybe six, maybe even a year. Or five years down the line," I say as I push myself to my feet. "They've already waited for me long enough, I can't expect them to wait for me any longer."
"They could have stayed to support you."
I go over to the coffee table and pull open the hidden draw underneath. I pick up my stationary stuff, a piece of paper and envelope along with my favourite pen. Sitting down on the sofa beside Uncle, I start writing on the piece of paper, already knowing in my heart what I need it to say. "I need to do this by myself, Uncle. I have to come out of my shell and learn to fly. It's going to hurt like hell, feeling all alone, but I can't rely on the guys, you...Cara and Johnny, for the rest of my life. It's me now, and only me. If I can't live life by myself, how am I supposed to live life with others and be happy?"
A tear slips from my eye as I sign my name at the end of the small letter I've written the guys. I fold it in half and slip it into the envelope. I seal it and only scribble one single heart on the front of the envelope before holding it out to Uncle.
He looks at me and wraps his fingers around the paper but he doesn't take it from my grasp. "I'm so very proud of the young woman you have become, Sang."
"I can only hope that with time I can make you prouder," I tell him a small smile.
He takes the letter from my hand and slides it into his pocket as he stands up. "You will, every single day." He pauses and glances down at me. "And you promise that one day you'll be coming home?"
I stand up and look up at him, letting another tear slide from my eye and town my cheek. "Yes, one day."
He pulls me into a hug and I accept it, wrapping my arms around his middle. "Then I guess I'll be seeing you soon, our beautiful, British Bird."