Kora
I increased my pace hoping I was right on time.
After mum reminded me about Racheal going back to school that day, I knew my head and legs could only lead me to one place.
I stopped walking the moment I saw the old black taxi parked in front of the big black gate. My heart beat was getting so slow now as I watched them. I could see how Luke held on tight to his mother's hands, whispering some words to her while the taxi man kept putting some food items into his car's boot. Not like anyone actually had to cook in NAUN, The school's cafeteria was better than regular restaurants, to those that could afford a cafe card anyway, and Luke couldn't. I knew him so well to know that he'd rather not spend all that money on food when he could just save them and cook on his own and yes, he was an amazing cook, also one of the many things I loved about him.
I had no idea my legs were already moving me towards them until I was really close. I watched how the smiles on both their faces disappeared the moment I came into their sight. He had stopped talking to his mother and just stared at me.
I swallowed hard, wringing my fingers as I approached them both. I was so nervous, too nervous, and it wasn't because I hadn't bothered to take a bath or look at myself in the mirror before I left the house, I couldn't even afford to at least comb my scattered hair. I had left the house in a hurry just so I could see him one last time. I had to. I could see the look in his eyes, he wasn't surprised to see me. He wasn't disappointed either.
I watched his mum slowly turn back to him and then gave him a gentle rub on his arm right before she turned to the gate. I could tell she wanted to give us some time to talk one more time. Aunty Patience had always known just how important we were to each other.
"Luke-" I called his name almost in a whisper as he turned fully to me. My hands were trembling. He exhaled
"Kora."
Why haven't you picked my calls? Why have you been avoiding me?
I wanted to ask him those questions so badly but I had figured it was better to just go straight to the point. He was leaving soon anyway.
"Thank God I met up." I smiled nervously, pretending like I hadn't just spent the whole week crying my eyes out. I could barely even look into his eyes. I was so scared to. Scared that they might not look back at me the way they always did. "I always called and stopped by to check on you." My voice increased by itself because I was so nervous. "I think I always came at the wrong time since you never came out to see me."
"Kora-"
"I'm not going to ask you what I did wrong anymore Luke." I finally raised my head to his, trying as hard as I could not to take the smile on my lips away even though it was really hard to keep them real. "I'm not going to blame you or ask you to take me back either."
I heard him exhale softly.
"But I'm not going to let you go either." I told him. "I know how hard this must be for you too. I know you need some space and I'll give you space. I won't let you go because I know whatever it is, you love me. You're just trying to push me away, but I won't give in, I won't leave your side."
"Kora-" he was trying to talk but I just couldn't let him.
"Isn't that what you want?" I pushed myself closer to him. "Time? Take all of it. You don't have to call me or check up on me, I won't call you either. I'd just wait for you. I don't care how long it's going to take but I'd wait for you. You loved me before, I'm sure you can love me again. I'm sure everything would be back to normal once you're done with your exams."
How much more of my pride and my entire self did I have to throw away for this man?
"Just-" I continued, shutting my eyes for a second. "Don't ask me not to." I opened my eyes again just so I could look at him. "Don't ask me not to."
"Kora." I went cold all over as I felt his warm hands reach for mine slowly.
"Please." I whispered, finally looking into his eyes just as he looked at our joined hands, squeezing mine gently.
"Don't." He told me, not raising his head for a second. "Don't live like that. Don't wait for me because I'm never coming back to you."
I felt my lungs collapsing. I shook my head continuously, pretending like I hadn't heard him.
"I need you to move on." He told me, "Don't hold on to me, I don't deserve it, I don't deserve you. You deserve everything else I won't be able to give to you."
"No." My voice broke.
"You have to move on Kora. You have to let me go because I'm never going to be that guy. The Luke you know is gone and he's not coming back."
"That's not true. You're only saying that. You'd say anything to change my mind."
"I wish that was the case." He stared at me. "I wish I could try to convince myself that I still feel the same way about you, but I don't. Those feelings like the ones I used to have for you aren't just there anymore. I don't have those feelings for you anymore Kora. I don't love you."
I don't love you, I don't love you.
Those words echoed in my head.
"I don't love you kora." He reached for my arms so he could shake me. "Do you understand?"
"Luke, " I shut my eyes. "Luke please, Luke don't do this to me." My voice broke as a lot of tears came falling down from my eyes again. "Don't do this to me please."
"God, Kora-"
"I'd do anything." Now I was desperate. "I'd bring back those feelings. Whatever it is I did, I'd change. I'm ready to change. Just tell me and I won't do it anymore."
"I'm sorry." He slowly let go of my arms just as the car's boot shut close with a large thud and the driver hurried into the car. "I'm really sorry Kora."
Luke took a few steps away from me.
"Luke," I whispered his name as I watched him take backward steps to the car till he was right beside the front door. He exhaled and then turned away. He opened the door quickly and then got in.
"Luke!" I yelled as the car started, just as his mum rushed out of the house. "Luke!" I went after the car, running as fast as I could, yelling his name at the top of my lungs, hoping he just stopped the car for a second. His mother went after me.
"Kora!" I could hear her yell my name from behind me.
"Luke!" I kept yelling and running even when it was obvious the car had increased its speed. I kept running as fast as I could. I needed him to stop. I needed him to listen to me. I had tears all over my face. "Luke!" I missed a step and it brought me fast to the ground, causing me to scratch both my knees.
"Kora!"
Luke's mum rushed to my aid.
"Aunty Patience." I hurriedly turned to her as she bent over to help me. "Aunty, you have to stop him." I held on tight to her arm. "He can't leave like this, he can't leave me like this."
"Kora-" the way she looked at me, it was like she felt so sorry for me. I had never seen so much sadness in her eyes before.
"He can't leave me aunty." I had tears in my eyes, shaking my head all over again, and then turning back to the empty street. They taxi was no where to be seen . "No." I turned back to her. "I should go. I should follow him."
"Mba, no kora." She pulled by arm so I didn't make a move, shaking her head in disapproval. "No."
"Aunty Patience." I stared at her the moment those words came out in a stammer. Why was she stopping me?
"Leave him." She told me nodding her head slowly. "Just leave am."
Was she asking me to let him go too? I sniffed. I didn't understand. Why? Why her too?
"Biko, please."
"Aunty-" Another drop of tear fell from my face.
"If you get any respect for me, even if na small, you go stop all these things de go house. Go house Kora. Go house." She told me. She wanted me to go home now? I couldn't believe it. I watched her exhale softly and then she got up too.
I scoffed and then looked away. I just couldn't anymore. I didn't even watch her leave. I sniffed and then cleaned my eyes quickly, narrowing my eyes to the bleeding cut on my right leg that I had just noticed.
I turned back to the empty street.
I was all alone now. I was completely alone.
───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────
I could feel a cold chill pass through my spine as I approached one of the seats on the bleachers, right behind the large football field Luke used to play in. I could feel my knees sting from the cut I had gotten when I fell to the ground as I tried to sit on one of the chairs. A cut I had not even tried to clean at all.
I could hear the tiny noises from the field, narrowing my gaze on the boys that were playing football so concentratively like I even cared.
I could still hear him, feel him. Every corner of the field I had turned to reminded me of just how much memories I had shared with him. I could literally see us at every corner, laughing and playing. I shut my eyes for a second, drawing a deep breath as his last words to me echoed in my head, causing my breathing to slow down just a little bit. I wish I had more tears in my eyes but I was just so exhausted and so cold.
That was it.
That feeling again. That feeling of sheer loneliness. I couldn't accept it. No matter how my head and heart wanted me to, I just couldn't.
I opened my eyes again, and then slowly reached for the pockets of my pajamas shorts so I could get out my phone. I had only just realized that I had turned it off for a full week.
I sniffed.
It was enough. Enough of exhausting myself and being so sad. Time, we both just needed time. I could remember my mother's words to me. I didn't need him, I didn't need anyone. I was beautiful. I didn't need anyone to remind me of that fact.
I could feel my hands shake as I slowly reached for my power button, pressing gently until the apple logo appeared on my bright screen. It only took a few seconds before my phone came completely on.
I drew in deep breath. It wasn't like anyone had tried to call or text me anyway. The only person that ever made me reach for my phone wasn't interested in having anything to do with me anymore and then my mum had spent the the best part of the week taking care of Mike, she knew she didn't have to call me since I had locked myself up in the room and turned off my phone and then there was-
My phone beeped, and then again, and then again. I quickly turned to it as three more messages came flooding in.
"Hey."
"Kora, what's up? You've been awol since yesterday"
"Hey, kora, it's me again, Jeremy, remember me? Lol, I'm just checking in on you to see if you're okay. I hope you're okay because I'd kill you if you aren't 🤒"
"Hey kora, I've got cool news and I can't wait to share it with you because you're obviously like the only one I talk to right now. It's not a lot but it has me super excited, and I just want to tell someone about it."
"Hey kora, it's me again. Okay so I took your advice and I watched the titanic for the second time. You might have had a point. It looks like Rose wasn't a dumb entitled brat after all. I still think she was silly insisting to be on that boat, but maybe just a little bit."
A weak chuckle escaped my lips before tears began to fill my eyes again for no reason. I could feel myself smiling unintentionally. I did tell him Rose was a life saver, how come he was just admitting to it? It felt so good knowing I was right.
A picture popped up. I sniffed the moment I saw a picture of him with his Pomeranian dog. He had the most sincere and beautiful smile and dimples I had ever seen, complimenting the faint scar on his forehead. and his dentition was to die for. I had never seen a set of teeth so white. His light skin shimmered with the sun and the tiny black god mark beneath his left eye, God, I had never seen a god mark do the most on a man's skin before. It felt so good that I had to see his upturned eyes up close for the third time. I loved how brown they were, really brown. I remember how there was a time I used to think they were contacts because I had refused to believe that there were actually African men with amber brown eyes like his and his pointed nose and hollow cheeks made everything even better.
I was staring at an angel, a bad angel. He had his left arm, half filled with a nicely drawn Celtic tattoo right around the dog and his fingers digging through its fur.
"Dyed my hair brown today. You always talked about how the color brown would complement my eyes better than black. I actually love it."
That was true. How could I have missed that? How could I not have noticed the taint of brown in his neat braids? Amber brown, just like the color of his eyes.
"Where are you Kora? Bully and I, we miss you. It's dead here without you"
I let out an exhale that moment and tried to type something right before-
Beep!
Another message popped in.
"Guess who finally found her phone?😒"
His text came in. I swallowed hard on my saliva as I stared at the word "typing" as it appeared in italics right beneath his previous text. I had to text first before he did.
"Luke and I broke up."
I had no idea why I just sent that but I needed someone to talk to. Someone that wasn't my mum. Someone that was just going to listen and not ask me to move on. I bit hard on my lip, counting the amount of seconds my text had delivered and been opened, waiting patiently for some sort of reply.
I scoffed.
God what was wrong with me? Why on earth did I just text that? I must have been so desperate to talk to someone. What if I had just thrown him off balance-
Beep!
I looked back into my phone.
"Are you okay?"
I hesitated for a second.
"No."
And there it came again. My emotions, getting the best of me just like it had always been the past one week. The tears in my eyes just couldn't hold it in anymore. They were forcing themselves through my eyes just as my skin became filled with goosebumps. My heart became so heavy too. I hurriedly dropped my phone in the chair right beside mine and dropped my head on my thighs, crying into them as hard as I could, crying to my hearts content. I was heart broken and I was not okay. I was far from being okay. I was hurt, I was broken, I was scared. I was alone.
I was not okay.