My phone started ringing.
I was frozen, falling, and my heart stopped.
Oh dad no, I’ve made a mistake, a big mistake, the worst mistake…
And then I hit the ground. It wasn’t train tracks I felt beneath me, though. It was hard concrete instead; a pavement. Unable to open my eyes just yet, I took a deep gulping breath and listened to the train go shooting by under the bridge. My phone kept ringing but for a moment I just stayed still, totally unable to move, thankful.
I slowly let my eyes open and looked up at the sky, so dark and ominous and perfectly reflective of my mood. The happiness I felt upon realising that I wasn’t actually about to die faded quickly and was replaced with my usual twisted depression when I remembered all the reasons why I wanted everything to end. After sitting up my fumbling hands reached out and searched in my bag for my phone and I caught the call on its final ring.
“Hello?” My voice was quivering as I spoke.
“James King don’t you dare scare me like that again.” George spat. He took a deep breath. “I thought you weren’t picking up because… well, y’know…”
“Well I almost… y’know…” I nearly chuckled. “You phoned me just in time.”
“Why, where are you? What’s going on?”
“I’m at a train station. No, I’m not going to tell you where- partially because I don’t want you to come and get me but mostly because I don’t actually have a fucking clue where I am.” I couldn’t believe I was trying to make a joke of the situation, even as tears started rolling down my cheeks.
“You bet your sweet ass I’m coming to get you, d’you have any idea how freakin’ worried I’ve been? I woke up and you were just gone, James. Please don’t make me feel like that every day for the rest of my life. Come home, let us help you. I need you.” he pleaded.
“And I need you too, okay? I need you to stay exactly where you are. I need you to promise me that you won’t come looking, that you’ll let whatever’s going to happen just happen. I can’t do this anymore, George. You’re all better off without me-”
“Shut up, you ignorant dickhead.” he snapped. “Look, we’ll go away for a while, just you and me. Matt will be safe with the other guys so I won’t have to worry, you can get your head clear and we can both quit drinking. Everything’s going to be okay if you just come home to me.”
“I can’t do that, George. I love you all too much.”
“You were really going to end it all without saying goodbye?” he asked. I didn’t know how to respond, so I didn’t. “Oh my god, James…”
I could hear him crying, gasping for air in a way that was sure to lead to a panic attack. I couldn’t believe that I was doing this to him. My selfishness was grotesque and in that moment I was the lowest of the low, the most vulgar piece of scum to ever walk the Earth.
“I promised you that I was going to make everything better.” I reminded him. “I promised you, and this is me fulfilling that promise the only way I know how. I’m going to make it all go away, Gee. I’m going to make all the shit stop.”
There was a fumbling sound from his end of the line and it took me a while to figure out that he was handing the phone over to someone else. Was he too overcome with emotion to speak? Or was he just so done with trying to figure me out?
“Come home, bro.” Matt ordered. “Both of us need help, but there’s no way I’m doing it without you. I need you, George needs you, Jake, Rich, Bryan… Everyone needs you.”
“I know you think that-”
“What about your mum, huh? You’re just going to leave her behind, not gonna say goodbye to her either? You promised your dad that you would take care of her-”
“Tell her I’m sorry and that I love her and say goodbye for me. I need this all to stop really soon, I can’t handle it for much longer.” My heart was heavy, it hurt so badly. “Listen Matt, you’re going to be okay. You hear that? You’re going to be okay. The others are going to help you deal with your shit. It’s been a real honour being your brother. The same goes for Jake, tell him that. I love you both. Let me talk to George again, please, it won’t take long.”
More fumbling and then my love returned to me.
“Just let me know where you are, I’ll come and get you. We won’t be angry, just let us help-”
“Shh, doll, shh.” I whispered, closing my eyes. “Listen to me. You’re going to tell my mum I love her. You’re going to tell Matt, Jake, Bryan, Rich, Bex- everyone. Tell them I love them, say goodbye for me. I wouldn’t have even made it this far without all of you by my side, so thank-you for that-”
“Would you stop-”
“Don’t interrupt me, please. I can’t leave a note, or whatever, so this will have to do. I love you, George. I’ve been in love with you since the moment I first saw you. You saved me in so many ways, all you guys did. And it’s not that you haven’t done enough for me, it’s that there’s nothing I can do for myself- I don’t even know if that makes sense but I can’t really think of the right words. You’re going to change the world, George. You definitely changed mine. The only thing I want for your future is for all your dreams to come true, and although I can’t be part of them I hope I’ll always be there. You guys are going to continue the band and save lives. You’re all perfect heroes- you’re all my heroes. I really don’t want to leave you to fight the good fight alone but this has really just been a long time coming, and I think we all know that. I’m the worst person, I just keep feeling shittier and shittier and it hurts so bad that sometimes I can’t breathe. Live without me, George, love without me. Keep going, don’t look back. I love you so fucking much, okay?”
There was a pause, and then a near silent whisper. “I love you too.”
I ended the call. I couldn’t take it anymore, I’d said everything I needed to say.
After placing the phone on the ground I stood up and walked away.