"'Cause we are broken
What must we do to restore
Our innocence
And oh, the promise we adored
Give us life again
'Cause we just wanna be whole
Tower over me
Tower over me
And I'll take the truth at any cost." - We Are Broken
---
I don't know what brought me here; I don't understand why my hand was balled into a fist, clenched so tightly they were turning a startling shade of white. I don't get why my fist was currently poised against the surface of Tilted Reality's bus door, or why I took a steady breath and rapped softly on the exterior. Yet as I waited with bated breath, as the seconds passed by agonizingly slow and the door remained as shut as it was when I first knocked, I realized why.
The conversation I had with Xander made me realize what exactly I had to do, even if I didn't want to do it at all. It was time to give up. No, that sounds pessimistic and negative.
It was time to let go.
I had to let go of my past, and the things that I managed to screw up in the present. I had to set things right before I left and picked up my sentence again once I returned home to Marco. I thought back to my moment with Xander, recollecting our final bits of conversation.
----
"Am I the only one who knows?"
"Mike knows," I replied, leaning my head against his shoulder as we sat side by side at the edge of the stage. He swung his legs and I watched the movements, biting my lip. "It's how he got me to help him."
"Really?"
"To be honest, I thought he was blackmailing me the entire time, since I didn't know his true intentions until a few days ago."
"True intentions?"
I paused, unsure whether or not to go on. It seemed like it wouldn't matter at that point; the world was going to find out eventually. Taking a small breath, I replied, "He needed my help with Tilted Reality."
After seeing one look at his confused expression, I finally explained the whole complication with Tilted. Xander's eyes grew wide at the tale, and more than once his jaw dropped in shock.
"Is that why..."
"Why what?" I adjusted my position so that I was more comfortable, the cool breeze blowing through my hair. I was thankful for it in the hot weather.
"The tickets," he mused, "that's why you have the tickets."
"Bingo."
He tensed; I felt it in his shoulders, making me draw my head away and peer at him curiously. "Are you- are you going to use them?"
My heart dropped slightly and I reached into my pockets, feeling the edges of the tickets inside scraping my fingertip. "I don't know yet. Probably not. Too much has gone into these things."
"Does Blake know?"
"About what?"
"Anything. The ordeal with Mike. Your situation with Marco? The tickets? How you were just using him?"
This time I was the one who tensed and I lowered my head, massaging my temples. "Maybe it's best if he doesn't know."
"Lace, if anyone has a right to know, it's him."
I snorted, "And since when did you give a rat's ass about him?"
"I don't," Xander mused thoughtfully before swinging his gaze to me, "But you do."
I felt a little stirring in my heart as it it did somersaults in my stomach. I opened my mouth to deny his accusation but I found that I couldn't. It was all true. I cared about Blake and it was only then did I realize that the only way I could even have a slither of a chance to reconcile with him, it had to be now.
Before Carter could get to him.
"You should tell him." Xander sighed. "The guy's heads over heels for you. And I know that those feelings aren't just one-sided. He deserves to know, Lacey."
I nodded briefly, rubbing my hands up and down my shoulders before standing. "I'll tell him."
"Now?"
I paused. "Now."
-----
The door stayed shut.
My heart fell to the pits of my stomach with dread. What if Carter had already gotten to him? As weak and pathetic as it was, I felt tears begin to prick my eyes though nothing fell. My fist slowly fell from it's spot on the floor, falling limply to my side.
Seconds passed. Then the seconds became minutes. No one answered the door.
Just as I began to give up, the feeling of hopelessness resting in my gut, I heard the crunch of gravel behind me.
"Sturm?" his familiar voice asked in confusion. When I spun around, there he was. His dark brown hair was glowing in the sunlight, the silhouette gleaming a golden hue. His green eyes were gazing into mine, clearly bewildered by my sudden appearance when I had been avoiding him for days. Wearing a Tonight Alive shirt and dirty sneakers, he stood a few feet away, hands in his pockets as I taped in his direction.
"Harnage," I breathed, closing the distance between us and enveloping him in a hug. He smelled like chocolate and wood, the familiar scent in my nose as I pressed my face against his shoulder.
"I'm confused," he murmured, "You ignore me for days and now you're hugging me as if you were going off to war or something." It didn't sound like an accusation and I when I peeled away to glance at him, his face was devoid of anger. I only saw confusion. At least that was a good sign.
"I'll explain," I replied, holding my hands up. "How about we go for a walk?"
"I need to practice-" Upon seeing my dismayed expression, Blake's lips curled into a small smile. "But they don't need me. Lets go." His hand found it's way to the small of my back, guiding me along. I blushed at the contact, but let him lead me across the small field we were currently occupying as the stage area and into the city.
The walk was silent as I contemplated how I was going to tell him. It wouldn't come easy and I didn't know what his reaction would be. The thought had me bubbling with a terrified anticipation. Blake's hand had abandoned my back halfway into the town, opting to hold my hand instead. I hoped he didn't mind the clamminess because I was fucking nervous.
We took a turn around the block, filing into the crowd of passersby that took refuge on the sidewalk. They had their hands in their pockets, pushing past others and not paying us any attention. I was glad.
"So," I started, unsure how to go on.
"So?" Blake echoed from my right. I bit my lip, only to have him inhale sharply and add, "Okay, can I go first?"
Surprise colored my expression but I squeezed his hand and nodded.
He stopped walking, pulling me aside so that passersby could get around us. Leaning against a wall, he patted the area beside him and I complied, joining him at his side.
"Alright," he swallowed, rubbing the back of his. "I'm going to tell you this before you hear it from the press." He took a breath. "Tom was arrested."
Of course this information was not new, but I realized that the conversation took a perfect turn into how I could tell him the truth. I would start with Tom and Mike. "Harnage-"
"Can you believe it?" he breathed, his lips curving into his signature crooked grin. The reaction was unexpected and I blinked. "I'm a horrible person. The fact that I'm happy that my father was thrown into jail. What kind of person wants to see their old man in a jail cell?"
Someone like me.
Blake let out a little airy chuckle, his voice filled with relief as he ran both hands through his hair, the grin never once leaving his lips. "It's just that I've put up with him for so long. And then, and then underneath it all he had this sickening motive. He was just using me and my bandmates - my siblings. Can you believe that? Tom's sick. He deserved what came to him. But that just means - I'm free now, Sturm. I'm finally free."
I felt a sad smile on my own face; this was exactly why I kept helping Mike, even if I didn't get the tickets. It was Blake. It was Tilted Reality. If I deserved any freedom, they deserved it more. And I'm glad that if there was one thing I could've done for him, it was this.
I hope that once I tell him everything - even if he hated me forever - he would remember this.
And that I was glad at least one of us was free.
"Sturm, now that he can't control my life, I want to ask you something. It's something that I've wanted to tell you for a while." Blake turned to me, his green orbs glistening.
"I - what?"
"Be my girlfriend," he grabbed my hands and smiled, drawing me closer to him. "I've felt this for a while now, you know. I would be cliché saying that I felt this way since I met you on that park bench, but it's true. I was so awed by your drumming skills, but then you know, I learned about you as a person. You were so different back then, and it's like I watched you grow. Look at you - I mean, n-not like you were a bad kind of different, I mean-" He blushed, glancing down at his shoes.
I felt my mouth drop at his confession, a blush coloring my own cheeks. For a while I was silent, as the only feelings running through my chest was guilt. I wanted to say yes. I wanted to say yes so badly.
"No." I whispered.
"What?" he asked, looking back up at me. This time I had to look away, unable to meet his gaze.
I felt my voice crack as I repeated, "No."
"No." he echoed, frowning in confusion. When the syllable dawned in his mind, I saw hurt creep into his expression.
"I can't," I took a step back from him. "Not after everything I've done. I'm not who you think I am, Harnage."
"What?" he was still in a trance, unable to understand what I was trying to say.
"You need to know the truth."
"Sturm, what are you talking about?"
"Blake, I was just using you this entire time, okay?" I nearly shouted, feeling that guilt once again. He was silent as I called him by his first name, and he was silent as I continued on with my confession. "Ever since the beginning, I've only been trying to get close to you because I made a deal with Mike. He said that if I helped him get revenge on Tom, your father, then he would help me get tickets to England so I can get away from home. I was stupid, okay? I was selfish and I didn't think that things would get like this. My band hates me cause I was using them too - lying to them even like I was lying to you. And Mike didn't even tell me his true intentions until this fucking round. It was me, okay? I helped put Tom in jail."
I was hoping he would at least loosen up at the mention of his father, but he only tensed and kept silent.
"Please, hear me out. I wanted out with the deal and I told Mike that I would just help with or without the tickets, because I wanted to help you guys - I wanted to help you. But now l, I have these," I felt tears prick the back of my eyes as my hand slipped into my pocket and retrieved the ticket Mike had given to me. "and people found out and they were all getting the wrong idea, Blake. Please don't get the wrong idea. I won't use these. I won't- I can explain why I did it- my step-father... I just-"
"Just what?" Blake finally spoke, but his tone was sinister and scathing. He scoffed, narrowing his eyes in my direction. "So now after all we've been through, you finally decide to tell me the truth? And you expect me to just forgive you just like that? How stupid do you think I am?"
He took a step forward, leering over me as his height shadowed over my own. "You lied to me. You used me. You even said so yourself - you used everyone in this fucking competition. You want my forgiveness? How do I know you're not just going to take that for granted too?"
"Because I thought I wouldn't fall for you and I did!" I screamed, finally releasing the feelings that were growing throughout the past few months. I didn't want to admit them, but they were there and now they were pushing so hard out of me that I had to admit it.
Blake staggered back, but he just shook his head and gave me a betrayed look. "And how do I know that you're not lying to me right now?" His voice cracked.
"Blake, just look at me. Look me in the eyes and tell me I'm lying to you."
"I can't," he whispered, shaking his head. "I'm sorry, I can't."
My hands went limp to my sides as I stated at him, my lip quavering. I felt a lone tear slip down and slide down my cheek, but I couldn't formulate any words.
The wind picked up, making my hair fly in all directions, slamming into my face. I swatted at the tendrils with my hand, and the ticket slid out of my grasp and into the wind. My eyes widened and I gasped, tucking my hair behind my ears and watching it float away.
I didn't want to use the tickets. But if worse came to worse, I would. Yet if I didn't have the tickets in the first place...
Spinning around, I bounded forward, my hands flying out as I tried to grasp it. With each motion, the ticket just kept flying off, making my heart clench.
And then, I felt the paper's edges in my hand and a momentary sensation of relief. But it was short-lived.
There was a loud honk.
I glanced down, only to find myself in the middle of the busy street. My eyes widened with horror as I realized that a car was heading in my direction, honking and screaming as it tried to break before it could collide with me.
Then, all of a sudden, I was pushed to the side.
I hit the curb with a grunt, feeling pain skyrocket to my knees. I whipped my head back and screamed.
Just as I saw the car collide against Blake's body.
----
"Blake, Blake," I sobbed as I ran alongside the stretcher currently wheeling him along the hospital corridors. Once Blake hit the ground after impact, people huddled around and called 911, while I ran to his unconscious body screaming, "Why?"
Luckily, the car wasn't moving as fast as it had been when it was further down the street. The whole thing couldn't have lasted more than a minute but it felt like an eternity. Blake's head was bleeding, and his arm was bent at a terrible angle.
"Miss, I'm sorry but you're going to have to move. You can't come inside here." The one nurse informed me gently as they headed towards a set of double doors labeled ER.
I sniffled, rubbing at my eyes and nodding reluctantly. Blake and the nurses went through the doors, which swung closed as I stood in front of it stoically.
"Where is he?" A voice shouted from the main hall, high-pitched and anxious. I spun around to see Vee stomping towards the main desk with a frantic, wild expression in her eyes. Kat and Zeke followed closely behind with similar expressions.
"Lacey!" Katerina was the first to spot me. Her eyes and nose were red, and tears stained her cheeks. She wiped at her eyes, stumbling in my direction. "What happened? Oh God, it was horrible. We heard it from the press. The freaking press."
With a wail, she wrapped her arms around me and pulled me close but I couldn't find myself doing the same.
It was my fault.
Blake was hurt and it was all my fault.
As the nurses began to explain what happened to Tilted Reality, I sat in one of the chairs of the waiting room, merely staring blankly at the doors to the emergency room. Hours passed but I didn't move. The rest of his band joined me as we sat and waited for news. Any kind of news.
Then, there was movement at the door.
The four of us stood up as a man clad in a white uniform and clipboard wandered to our direction, his expression unreadable.
"Doctor?" Zeke asked, his voice higher than usual.
The man nodded, extending his hand to the guitarist, "Yes, I'm Dr. Martin, and it's safe to say that Blake will be alright. He's currently being transported to an available room, to which you can visit him shortly. Though, I have some good and bad news."
"Good news," Vanessa demanded. "Good news first."
Dr. Martin nodded understandingly and continued, "Very well. Blake Mercer was very lucky. The vehicle had slowed down immensely before colliding with him therefore the impact wasn't as strong. A bruised his rib cage and minor concussion were some problems."
"And the bad?" I whispered, pushing gently past Vanessa and Zeke so that I WAS directly in front of the doctor.
He frowned, placing a hand on my shoulder sympathetically. "When Blake fell, he had reached out his hand to catch him as he fell. It's very common, almost instinct for you to want to catch yourself as you're falling. But from the momentum of the car's hit, he fell roughly on his wrist."
No.
"I'm afraid he's damaged it badly enough that he might never be able to play the drums again."
Kat let out another wail and fell to her knees in shock, while Vanessa's jaw dropped in shock. I felt my blood run cold, and I shuddered, backing away from the group slowly.
"I need to see him. Can we see him?" I demanded, narrowing my eyes at Dr. Martin.
"He should be in room H145 right now." The doctor nodded. "I'm very sorry."
Pushing past them, I ran down the hallways, ignoring the chastising of the medical professionals. Scouring the rooms, I looked for H145, my heart beating fast. Tilted Reality was close behind; I heard their footsteps behind me.
There it was. H145.
I paused once I get there, before working up the courage and pushing it open gently.
And there, resting with bandages on his right arm, was Blake.
He had a television remote in his left, idly holding it as he stared at the screen directly above him. It was on a news channel, broadcasting the details of hid accident. Blake's lips were pulled into a taut line. When he heard the door open, his head immediately turned. As soon as his eyes met mine, they went cold.
"So did you hear?" he laughed jovially, though it sounded sarcastic and daunting. Raising his bandaged wrist, he added, "I won't be able to play ever again!" His smile slowly slipped into a frown and soon he was fighting back the urge to cry, dropping his head in shame.
Vanessa ran past me, pulling up a chair and grabbing his good hand. "Sweetie, don't worry. We can do something. There's physical therapy. We can always try that!" Her voice sounded desperate.
Blake scoffed, shaking his head. "It's over, Vee. I'm done."
"Done?" Kat echoed, walking over to where they stood. Her hand rested gently on the mattress.
"I want to do the thing we've always talked about, guys. The thing we've been planning since forever ago."
"Lacey," there was a hand on my shoulder. Zeke, "would you mind waiting outside for a second?"
I nodded reluctantly, wringing my hands together as I slowly made my way outside. Closing the door behind me, I slumped against the wall and buried my face in my hands. What have I done?
The minutes ticked by, and I counted each second as a way to distract myself from overflowing with my thoughts. After what seemed like forever, the door opened and Zeke jerked his head in the direction of inside.
I followed him in, taking in the scene. Vanessa and Katerina both looked tired, while Blake seemed to be the opposite.
"So what about the contest?" I asked, the thought suddenly occurring to me since Tilted had to go against Chasing Avenues.
"You're still on that?" Blake chuckled in disbelief, giving me an incredulous stare.
"I didn't mean it like that." I frowned.
"Guess we'll have to postpone it," Kat said quietly.
"No." Blake said defiantly, sitting up straight. "Tell them we're still on for tonight. Just let us go first."
"Blake, don't be an idiot," Zeke scowled.
"No, we already discussed this, Zeke." Blake countered. "I want it to be tonight."
"You're not well enough," I tried to counter.
"And why should you care?" he retorted, casting me a cold glance.
"Why do you?" I shouted, waving my arms around frantically. "If you cared, you never would have pushed me out of the way in the first place."
For once, Blake didn't have an argument as he kept silent. After a long pause, he just muttered, "I hope the tickets were worth it, Lacey. Goodbye."
It was the first time he had called me Lacey.
Would it be the last?
-----
"Welcome, welcome!" Todd grinned, bowing to the cameras as they broadcasted the show live to all of America. "Today is the final event of the secret round. Already safe from elimination is Within These Cages," he gestured to the front row seat, where Carter and her band were situated. They smiled and waved to the crowd. "And today, we have Tilted Reality versus Chasing Avenues!"
The arena roared with noise, cheers and shouts surrounding everyone. My ears felt like they were going to pop. I sat next to Xander as Chasing Avenues sat in the second row just behind Within These Cages. The others were antsy; Gabriel wouldn't stop tapping his fingers on the arm of his chair.
Todd's expression became somber as he frowned at the audience. "Now I'm all certain you all know what happened earlier today," there were murmurs in the audience and Todd asked for silence. "But even with the tragedy, Tilted Reality has decided to continue to grace us with their presence. And here they are tonight, our first challengers."
I straightened in my seat, trying to catch a glimpse of Blake. Surely, they would have had the right mind to make him sit this one out, right? He was still recovering and injured for fuck's sake.
Todd veered backstage as the infamou band made their way on stage, to their respective spots. Except that Blake didn't stop st the drum kit, he strayed to the microphone. The murmurs in the crowd grew as we all watched in with curious expressions.
Blake looked dapper as ever; wearing a loose grey shirt and dark pants, it emphasized the white bandages glowing under the stage lights on his wrist. He used his good hand to grip the microphone as he smirked into it, winking at people in the crowd. Despite his injuries, he looked alive.
"Hello," he greeted coolly, "Thanks for coming out tonight. The sing we're going to be performing is dedicated to a special little lady in the audience tonight." There were screeches from the fangirls as they all mentally imagined it being them, but by the way Blake's darted to my direction, I knew who exactly he meant. "Enjoy."
Before they started, I heard Todd and the judges commenting to the camera, mutmuing things like, "Against the rules," and "not allowed to do that until the last round" and "possible disqualification."
There was feedback, and then the song came alive. Vanessa and Zeke strummed on their guitars, noddingt heir head along to the beat while Kat kept a steady beat on her bass. On the drum set was a substitute drummer as Blake took center stage, gripping thei microphone and pressing his lips to it.
"One song about a girl, I can't breathe when I'm around her," Blake sang, smiling at a few girls towards the front. He winked, and I heard a faint scream above the music. "I'll wait here everyday in case she'll scratch the surface. She'll never notice."
Taking the microphone off its stand, he switched his gaze to where I sat and sang the chorus with a burts of emotion in his soothing voice, "I'm not in love. This is not my heart. I'm not gonna waste these words about a girl. Hey!
Last night, I knew what to say. But you weren't there to hear it. These lines, so well rehearsed, tongue tied and over-loaded. You'll never notice." Peeling back from the stand, he threw his head to the sky and sang, "I'm not in love. This is not my heart. I'm not gonna waste these words about a girl. I'm not in love. This is not your song. I'm not gonna waste these words about a girl."
He opened his eyes and found mine again, and I swallowed dryly as he sang, his words almost pleading. "To be loved, to be loved. What more could you ask for? To be loved, to be loved. Everyone wants to be loved, to be loved. What more could you ask for? To be loved, to be loved
Everyone..."
Blake made his way to the stairs leading down from the stage, until he reached the first row of seats. His eyes never leaving mine, the instruments dropped out until it was only his voice and the beat of drum, "I'm not in love. This is not my heart. I'm not gonna waste these words..."
Returning to the stage, he climbed the stairs and finished the song, as the rest of the band sang back up vocals, "I'm not in love. This is not my heartI'm not gonna waste these words about a girl. I'm not in love. This is not your song. I'm not gonna waste these words about a girl." And Zeke strummed the final chord, letting ti reverberate through the arena.
"We're Tilted Reality," Blake spoke into the microphone, his voice low and hollow. "And we quit."
There were screams and shouts, people were yelling and booing and demanding explanations. The crowd was going wild. Todd was desperately getting the cameramen to cut to commercial break.
I saw there amidst the chaos, staring as Tilted Reality left the stage, and Blake didn't even turn around to give me a single look.
In my head, I heard Xander's voice, Are you going to use the tickets?
My hands went to my pockets, cradling the parchment in my fingers.
I guess now I had no other choice.
--
GOTTA GET THIS DONE. GOTTA GET THIS DONE. -HYPERVENTILATES-