Tobias
Walking home towards my apartment, I notice how tired I really am. I know Tris has training this morning, as the simulations were scheduled to the afternoon because of my night shift. At least I'll get to sleep a couple of hours. I don't even switch on the lights once I'm home. I take off my jacket and put it on the silver hook on the wall, then kick off my shoes. The floor feels cold beneath my feet as I walk into the kitchen and fill a glass with water from the tap. I gulp it down fast. My mind was so occupied all night I forgot to drink. I fill another glass and take it over to the bed with me. Only then I see the small figure lying under my quilt.
Tris has made use of the key I left her and now she's here, sleeping peacefully in my bed. I take a cushion and sit down on it on the floor to watch her features in the darkness. I wonder if she's dreaming behind her closed eyelids. Her chest is rises and falls in a steady rhythm. Watching Tris calms my mind the longer I sit beside her.
After a while, I get up again. I'm tired and I need sleep, too. I put the empty glass down beside the bed, then take off my sweatshirt and socks.
"Hey," Tris' sleepy voice says timidly.
"Sorry, I didn't want to wake you up," I whisper softly.
"What time is it?"
"About half past six, I think. You still have time to sleep some more."
"I hope you aren't angry at me for coming here. I just found your key and then spent an hour staring down at it in my hands until I decided to come here."
Her head rests on her hand now. I sit down on the edge of my bed and stroke some loose hair out of her face gently.
"No. No, I'm not angry. Not anymore. I tried to find you yesterday to talk to you — and now I find you here, in my bed. It's a good surprise." Her mouth turns into a relieved smile. "I wanted to apologize to you for my reaction at your simulation. I never asked you how Christina found out about us, and it was unfair to use this information against you when I got it from watching your sim."
"I was going to tell you afterwards. There just wasn't enough time before. And I didn't consider that you could find it out because of a stupid simulation. I didn't want you to learn about it like that, and I'm sorry that you did. You know, when Christina and I talked after our run outside with you, she had already figured out most of it herself. And I swear she's trustworthy. She promised me not to tell anyone."
"She promised me, too. I ran into her yesterday."
"So you talked to her?" Tris looks surprised.
"Just briefly, in the hallway. And I don't know what exactly you told her about me, but she said something about me being able to be nice," I recall the astonishment written all over Christina's face, "so I assume you haven't spoken too badly about me."
"Of course not. But I needed someone to talk to about my fear, so I more or less confided to her what was in the simulation. And after she had left, I couldn't calm down enough to be able to fall asleep, so I sneaked up on the roof and spent an hour there, gazing at the sky and the city, and after that, I felt better."
She's been to the roof, alone? I want to scold her, really, for putting herself at risk like that, without anyone even knowing where she was. But I swallow it down, not wanting to start another fight, and beside that, I feel guilty myself that she felt the necessity to go there.
"I'm sorry I wasn't there for you."
"Well, you're there for me now."
"Do you want to talk about what happened in the simulation?"
I'm anxious of what she'll tell me, wondering if I've made her fear worse after all.
"Did you notice why I realized it wasn't real?"
"Indeed."
I haven't given it much thought, though. I was too focused on Christina's part in the whole scenario. But now that Tris spells it out to me, the deeper meaning behind it is obvious.
"So your trust in me has grown."
She nods, and we both smile before we turn serious again.
"You said it was still up to you to decide when you want to have sex, and I want you to know that I totally agree with that," I assure her.
"But initiation."
She doesn't have to say more than that, reducing the whole issue to those two small words.
"I know it's drawing nearer, but it doesn't help us to feel pushed by that date. Neither of us. We should go as fast or slow as we want, and then we'll see what happens."
"So, when you say it does help neither of us, does it mean you're afraid, too?" she asks, brows furrowed.
"Terrified," I chuckle softly, and I'm sure she'll understand how I mean it.
Her next question comes out of nowhere, but it's only logical that she would ask that.
"Were you able to delete my simulation? It was so stupid I showed I was aware of it."
"Oh, I didn't have to. The servers where they usually safe the footage on were removed a week ago. Eric informed us during the meeting last Friday that there were troubles with a virus that prevented the system from saving and keeping the data properly. So they disconnected the servers and brought them somewhere to have them repaired."
"What? Why didn't you tell me?"
"I don't know, I just didn't spend much thought on it. I think they'll return them once they've figured out the problems. Until then, I just write a short memo about each simulation, and I always took one of your other fears as a cover."
"Okay, so I can be sure today's simulation won't cause us any problems?"
"Yes, be sure."
For some moments I enjoy the quiet and peace between us, and I hate that I have to upset Tris again. But there's no way I can keep this news to myself without causing even more trouble later on.
"Tris, to be honest, I have to confess that Zeke knows about us, too."
"You told him?"
I cringe at the incredulous edge to her voice. I can't blame her, though.
"It was more or less the same with him as it was with you and Christina. He already assumed I was having a secret girlfriend and then narrowed it down to you."
"You get angry at me for telling Christina when you told Zeke?!" Tris' voice gets louder, harsher.
"I know, I know. It was unfair and I'm so, so sorry, Tris. But I can't do more than apologize for it," I try to calm her, raising my hands apologetically, defensively.
After a minute's silence she snorts, "And you told me you wanted to be kind..."
"I said I was trying."
"Yes, I guess that's what you said. I hope you'll try harder next time."
The harshness with which she says it leaves no room for doubts, making her request perfectly clear to me.
"I will. I promise."
She makes me wait for her answer.
"Okay, apology accepted. You're lucky I still have an aptitude for Abnegation."
She smiles tentatively at me and then pulls me in for a kiss, hesitant at first, and the connection between us returns fast, and pretty strong. Probably this is what Zeke hinted at when he bantered about make-up-sex earlier. My senses come awake despite the sleepless night. I sink down beside Tris as our kiss deepens and I feel a strong pulling sensation in my stomach. I kiss her neck and shoulder, and she roams her hands over my naked back, down to my bottom.
"I'm sorry, too," Tris mumbles against my neck, "I'm sorry that I'm still afraid of having sex with you."
"Don't be ashamed of your fears, Tris, please," I half-say, half-moan into her ear. "You're safe with me."
"I know," she says before pushing me down on my back.
"What are you doing?" I ask, surprised.
"Fighting my fear," she smiles and then lowers her head to trail kisses along my collarbones.
Next she moves down on my body, leaving kisses on her way over my chest and stomach, down to my bellybutton.
"You don't have to do anything you don't want to," I protest, but only halfheartedly — because I don't want her to stop.
"But I want to."
Her breath tickles me as she speaks. Then she moves up again, her lips never losing contact to my skin, and I push my head back into the pillow, groaning, when her mouth grazes over one of my nipples.
Tris
Tobias feels as muscular underneath my lips as he does under my hands.
"You don't have to do anything you don't want to," he mumbles, although he doesn't sound like he wants me to stop at all. I know this slight rumbling in his voice by now. It creeps into it every time we share intimate moments like this. And I like to hear it. A lot.
"But I want to," I whisper against his skin and work my way up to his chest. He groans when my lips move over one of his nipples. It spurns me on to kiss it and I'm proud when Tobias' breath catches the moment I run my tongue around the spot.
"You like that?" I ask with a smirk, although it's an unnecessary question.
"Go on," he says, never moving an inch.
Maybe he's afraid to frighten me. But right now I'm not afraid. Not of this, anyway. I keep kissing Tobias' chest and his nipples and eventually see how his hands are clenching the sheets.
"Touch me," I ask him.
I'm surprised by myself, even a little embarrassed for my demand, but it's what I want. He obeys and puts his hands on mine, then strokes over my arms up to my shoulders until they meet on my back, where they pull me closer to him. His touch is not gentle or soft this time, but strong. Astounded, I realize that, although it wakes up a warning voice in the back of my head, I like it when he shows me how much he wants me. It warms my insides and ignites something I recognize and name as desire.
Tobias guides me up to meet his lips again and traces my sides with his hands down to my thighs, where he lets them rest. I move one of my legs over to the other side of him and feel how hard he is. Tobias' sits up and fumbles with the hem of my shirt. Precisely, it's his shirt that I slipped into when I came here late yesterday evening to have his delicious scent around me. I can feel he's hesitating to take it off; I don't wear a bra at night.
I swallow down my nervousness and cover his hands with mine, then guide his palms to my stomach and further upwards. His hands are warm on my skin. I mine up his arms and join them behind his neck. I can't take my eyes of Tobias' face. He's breathing silently, as if he doesn't dare to make a sound, his eyes closed. His hands stop right underneath my breasts, and then he lets his thumbs glide over them gently. His palms follow as he moves them over my curves. It's unfamiliar to be touched this way, but I'm surprised that I'm okay with it, although I'm too flustered to enjoy it yet.
I let Tobias caress me, and he tries different ways of doing so.
"You like that?" he asks throatily when I sigh the moment his fingers circle my hardening nipples.
"Yes," I breathe out.
"I want to take off your shirt. Do you let me?" he whispers, his eyes now looking into mine.
This was always the point at which the mood in my simulations changed and I started to panic. I consider his question, looking in his deep eyes that don't show their dark blue color in the little light that comes in through the window. I want to show him that in reality I'm willing to trust him. Just somehow, I need to be sure.
"What if I said no?" I whisper back to him.
"Then we'll wait until another time, when you want it, too."
Seeing the honesty in his gaze, I slowly raise my arms above my head.
"Take it off," I say.
His eyes light up, I can see it despite the semi-darkness. He kisses me, then whispers with his lips almost still touching mine, "Please don't be afraid of me seeing you."
"I'm not."
Tobias' hands stroke down my sides to the waistband of my pants before he grabs the hem of the shirt and slowly takes it off. In the position we're in, his head is almost level with my breasts. I can't suppress a smile when I see him look at me, swallowing. He returns it when he realizes I've caught him staring. He plasters each breast with small kisses, and once I've gotten over the shyness, I begin to like it.
Tobias becomes more relaxed, too, adding more pressure to his touches and kisses, and at some point he starts to use his tongue on my skin. I feel perfectly safe in his strong arms as I lean closer to him.
We spend a while kissing and touching until we both have to stifle a yawn — as incredible as it feels, it's still an awful time early in the morning, and Tobias hasn't slept at all. We lay down closely together, my head on Tobias' chest and his arms around me. The way he pulls his quilt over us lets me feel protected, and we both doze off in the soft light of incipient dawn.
When I wake up again, the sun is already filling the room with light. I check the clock. Unfortunately it's already time for me to get up. I carefully wriggle out of Tobias' arm. He murmurs my name in his sleep, but doesn't wake up. He looks younger when he's sleeping, and I steal a minute to watch him after I dressed. I don't want to wake him up, so I have to control my hand to not reach out for him and touch his face.
I'm so falling in love with this boy, every day a little more. Even if he's not always nice and gentle. Maybe even because he's not. He doesn't treat me like a little girl, as if I was weak and helpless. Instead, he supports me and brings out the strong and powerful side of me, even if that means we get into a fight every now and then. And I want to show him how much he means to me, want him to know how I feel. I want to be close to him, as close as possible. It's not a question anymore if I'm going to have sex with Tobias, the only question is when I'll be ready for it.
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DISCLAIMER: I own neither the Divergent world nor the characters, they belong to Veronica Roth.