*Jacky's POV*
I stared down at the scale, my whole body trembling in fear. I had put on extra pounds, the pounds I fought so hard to loose, I had lost control and gained them back. I pinched at my stomach, the skin was squishy between my fingers. My thighs were the worst. They always touched each other even when my feet weren't. I ran my hands roughly over my thighs. The skin rolled with my hands, then snapped back into place.
You have no self control. You are a disgusting pig Jacky.
Tears threaten to fall from behind my eye lids. No, I wouldn't have a breakdown tonight, not after what I had to go through with my mom. She hadn't talked to me all night. After I had come home from my run, I told her I was going out with Tate, but all she did was stare at me. Her and my dad locked themselves in their room and where having a very loud discussion about me.
See what you've done? Now you're driving your family apart?
"Stop it! It's not my fault!" I screamed. It wasn't my fault, was it? I couldn't be the one driving them apart, could I?
"Something is wrong with her John!" My mother was screaming now. Tears fell from my eyes. I knew there was something wrong with me, and having my mother finally say something about, made me feel even worse.
"Carrie we can't just go storming into her room and demand her to tell us what wrong-" My mother cut him off.
"Jacky only weighs 96 pounds 96 John and god know how much she's been dropping since I found out! A girl her height should at least weigh 105. When we went out to eat all she had was a small salad and a glass of water and even at that she barely finished the salad. John we have to do something." I could tell my mother was crying.
This is all your fault.
"Carrie, if we confront her about it. God knows what she might do. We can't force her to tell us anything, we don't want her slipping away from us. All we can do is slowly talk to her about it. Maybe even get her into some therapy, and see where it goes from there. But we have to take things slow." Therapy? I'm not crazy, I'm just disgusting.
"You're right. I just can't lose her too. It just hurts me to see my baby girl wasting away like this." Everything went silent.
Look what you done now. You have pushed them apart. After everything they have been though? What's wrong with you? Attention whore.
No, I didn't mean to push my parents apart. I didn't mean to cause them so much grief, I just want to be pretty, so I don't make them ashamed of me. I sat on the edge of my bed carefully and glanced around my room. Pictures lined the walls, and shelves. Medals and trophies where scattered around, along with posters and drawings. A magazine laid sprawled across my desk. I picked it up gently and flipped through the pages. Girl's with beautiful hair and eyes lined page after page. They where skinny and beautiful.
Something you will never be.
I flipped to a page where a fairly tall girl, with short wavy blond hair was wearing a bikini and high heels and was leaning against a wall of some sort. She was skinny and beautiful. Her skin formed around her cheek bones, and you could faintly see her ribs.
See Jacky? She's beautiful. You're just fat and ugly.
I flung the magazine to the floor. It skittered to a halt and rested lopsided against the wall. I couldn't stand too look at it any longer. I would never be beautiful, I would never be skinny, I would never be able to make my parents proud of me.
My stomach churned in awful knots. I was feeling light headed. My heart pounded loudly inside my chest, again it felt like I was having a heart attack. My breathing came in short quick gasp. The room felt like it was closing in around me. I wanted to call out for help, but it seemed my voice had gotten lost. A thick cloudy haze started to cross over my eyes. Everything was becoming blurry as I stumbled up to my feet. I fell forward when a knock at my door made ice shoot through my veins.
"Jacky?" My father knocked lightly on my door.
"Ugh, give me a second." A flood of relief filled my burning chest. I wrapped my blanket around my shoulders and slowly got up and pulled open my door.
"Whats up dad?" I smiled. My father was a fairly large man with sulking shoulders and a deep frown line. My father used to be a star running back. He had a scholarship and everything. But he blew out his knee, and ever since he has been stuck at a shitty desk job.
"Can we, uhh, talk to you downstairs?" Ice shot through me. I feared this moment. I didn't want my parents to ask me what was wrong with me, when I didn't know myself. I just wanted to tell him I was fine, and everything was going to be alright. I had put myself on a diet and a strict exercise routine so I wouldn't gain anymore weight.
"Sure. But can we make it quick? Tate is picking me up soon." My father's eyes seemed to have a sad glow to them. I knew he had never recovered from Darren's death, but could some of his sadness come from me? Me being so disgusting and ugly?
I watched different emotions play across his face for a moment, and when he decide to speak he spoke slowly, like I was a child and if he wasn't slow enough I would miss something.
"Jacky, we need you to stay home tonight it's very important." I suddenly felt so hollow inside. Tate my rock, the only person right now who would understand how awful I am feeling.
"But dad." I whined.
"Jacky please." I could feel my dad pain. I knew he was worried about me. But right now I couldn't take talking to anyone but Tate.
"I promise I'll be home-"
"No Jacky you are staying home and that's final!" I took a stepped back. My father had never raised his voice.
Tears forced their way to the front of my eyes. No, not in front of dad! Come on Jacky you can do this, just wait until he leave. My eyes darted around the room wildly. I could feel my heart pick up speed inside my rib cage. Everything started spinning around me again. I started having tunnel vision. Focusing in on my dad's face I stepped forward. Just get to dad then I'll be alright.
"Jacky are you alright?" My father's voice was in a panic.
"Jacky! Look at me." I felt his strong hands on my shoulder. My vision still blurring I stared at him cross eyed. I felt him place his hand gently on my cheek.
"God Jacky you're running hot. Carrie." I could faintly hear my dad call for my mom. I wanted to tell him everything was alright I was just a little dizzy. But my lips seemed out of sync with my brain.
"John? What's wrong?" What I could hear of my mother's voice sound full of pain.
"Soak a paper towel in some cold water and get a glass of water. I think she running a fever. Come on Jacky." My father wrapped his arm around my waist and pulled me close to him. I tried to walk, but my legs felt like wet noodles. After a few failed attempts at trying to walk I had to give up. My breathing was erratic.
"Lay down Jacky." I tried to ease my self onto the couch, but I ended up doing a half ass fish flop.
"John what's wrong with her." My chest was heaving in and out, like I had just ran a mile in under five minutes. I felt my mom lay something cool on my forehead. Either whatever my mom put on my forehead was freezing or I was on fire.
"I don't know Carrie." I slowly regained my vision and my breathing started to return to normal.
"Jacky? Sweetheart can you hear me?" I could hear everything again.
"Ya." I croaked. My throat felt like I had swallowed a fire poker.
"You want to go to the hospital?" My mother stroked my hair like I was a baby. Whenever I was upset or sick she would stroke my hair. I always get angry with her she knows how much I hated being stroked.
"No." I went to sit up, but again the room jerked wildly around me. I slammed back into the couch and was left staring at the cream colored roof.
"Here." My mom handed me a small blue glass. I slowly sat up and peered inside the cup. Without a second thought I guzzled down the water. But just like the afternoon the water refused to stay down and quickly charged right up my throat and out of my mouth.
A ball of fire lodge it's self deep inside my stomach and every time my body wrenched in pain, it felt like it was shooting flames through out my body. My mother gently pulled back my hair.
I gently waved her off and laid against the pillows again. I closed my eyes and focused on my breathing. Couch always said when I pushed my self to hard I would look like a dying fish trying to catch my breath.
The other end of the couch sank underneath my father weight. I cracked a eyelid and caught him staring at me.
"Why are you two staring at me?" I laughed. Everything seemed to have a eerie silence hanging around it. My mom finally broke the silence.
"Jacky when's the last time you eaten?" Panic flowed through everyone of my veins. I felt my eyes widen in horror. I couldn't remember the last time I sat down and had a big meal, and I didn't want to.
Ya fatty. When's the last time you porked out? When's the last time you made a pig of yourself? When Jacky?
I parted my lips to say something, but the words choked off in my throat.
Come on Jacky! Tell us!
Cold sweat trickled down the back of my neck.
COME ON JACKY? When? Afraid to tell them you sat in your room eating nothing but shit? You're such a disgusting disgrace Jacky. You deserve the pain you feel.
"SHUT UP!" I screamed. My parents took a frighten step backwards. My eyes darted around the room, until the rested upon the vanity mirror in the corner. I stared at myself in shock. The girl in the mirror was not me. The girl in the mirror was scary pale, and her face was define in frighten features.Her eyes where hollow sockets in her head. She looked like a wild animal caught in headlights. I poked at the skin on my face. The arm in the mirror was no thicker than a twig. That wasn't me, no I was fat and ugly. I would never let myself get that skinny. No, I just wanted to lose a few pounds. My heart rate quicken That wasn't me, no that girl is a monster.
"Jacky sweetheart?" My mom was standing behind my father, her trembling fingers pressed to her lips.
I rested my eyes on my family. They're eyes where wide and full of fright.
Look at what you have done.
The voice in my head was softer than before, but still full of hate. I shook my head, his couldn't be happening. That wasn't me in the mirror, and my parents aren't afraid of me. I'm just a fat girl who wants to lose a few pounds.