DEVANTÈ.
The news about the baby was beginning to really take a toll on me. Almost to the point where I wanted to just give up on even trying to be a good person. What was the point? Everything I was doing was seeming to be for nothing. Wasn't like any good was happening to me. Dalvin still wouldn't talk to me, and K-Ci would talk to me but only when Dalvin wasn't around. JoJo's been 'busy' lately so I didn't really have anybody to vent to about all that was bothering me. It was all becoming overwhelming and I just wanted to relax and take my mind off of things.
I walked around the bed to head toward the dresser, grabbing my watch and clasping it around my wrist before exiting the bedroom to go down the stairs to the living room. It was honestly a mess but I hadn't been in the mood to clean or do anything for that matter. The condition that was house was currently in was a refection of how I felt and I didn't mind if others saw it either. They needed to. Maybe then they'd care how fucked up I was these days and try to help rather than point their fingers at me and tell me how much wrong I've done. That, to me, was showing that they no longer loved me as much I loved them or were just selfish human beings. Because me? I wouldn't kick anybody while they're already down. That's just not the kind of person I was, no matter what others may think. Sure, I've done a lot of fucked up stuff but it doesn't mean I'm not remorseful about them. The last thing I've ever wanted to do was hurt the people I loved but with alcohol, weed, money, and egos comes trouble. And that's just the truth.
I made my way downstairs toward the doorway to see the silhouette of a male figure as he stood on the porch before reaching over to ring the doorbell. I grew nervous, glancing around at my surrounding then my eyes landed on the knife on the counter and I quickly went over to grab it prior to heading to the front door and unlocking it. My heart was beating rapidly, my palms sweaty as I slowly pulled it open by the knob to see Derek standing there with a bright smile that soon disappeared once his gaze fell down to my shaky hand that held the knife.
"Whoa, whoa! What's up, D? You good? You aight? ", he inquired in a bit of a panic. He slowly stepped forward with one hand reaching for the knife and the other trying to place itself onto my shoulder. I was deep in thought. So much so that his voice was almost distant. What is he doing here? I tried to calm myself since my adrenaline was rushing through me, my breathing heavy as I stared forward but not exactly looking at him. Truth be told, I don't know what I was looking at. It was as if I wasn't even myself at that very moment. "Come on, man. Let go. It's me. Derek", he continued, his hand wrapped around mine as he attempted to pry the knife free, unhooking my fingers from around it then it fell to the concrete beneath us. "D. Ay, man. You scarin' me. You good?", he inquired with a tone of concern. He snapped his fingers in front of my face a few times, gradually bringing me out of the trance I had been in. "Have you been drinkin'?", he asked and I just shook my head. He nodded and threw his arm around my shoulder, walking me back into the house and kicking the door closed behind us.
"You haven't showered. That's for sure."
His face was scrunched up as I glanced over at me then stumbled forward a bit due to him tripping over one of the empty beer cans from almost a week ago.
"What in the world? Man, you in here livin' like this?"
I Ignored him, dragging my feet along the wooden floors of the foyer and he sighed and shook his head.
He then retrieved his cellphone from his pocket, "I'm callin' Dalvin, man. This is....crazy."
"Ain't like he gon' show up. He don't give a fuck about me", I said matter-of-factly. The last time I called him, he told me to go kill myself and I admit, I thought about it once or twice. Couldn't follow through with it, though. My religious background wouldn't allow me to. A lot of the elders used to tell me that if you commit suicide, you'd go to hell. Though I couldn't find it in the Bible anywhere, I didn't want to risk it. I know I did wake up every Sunday listening to Christians sing off-key to burn for eternity. I even ironed my suit.
Derek spoke on the phone to Dalvin as he picking up a few of the beer cans, heading into the kitchen to throw them away, "Yeah, man. He smell like he pooped on himself and his house don't smell no better. You need to get over here."
I lifted my arm to sniff under my arm, frowning at the odor I inhaled and glancing down at the clothes I had been wearing for about three days now.
"Yeah. His hair is in this crooked mini afro and he look stupid. The only good thing about this is that he finally grew a strand or two on his chin", he said into the phone followed by a laugh. I could hear Dalvin laughing on the other end, causing me to kiss my teeth.
I held up my middle finger, "Fuck y'all."
"You ain't effin' nobody anytime soon smellin' like that. Go wash up, big bro. You stink. Brush ya' teeth, too", he said, pulling a trash bag from the box and carrying it along with him as he picked up more cans and tossed them into the bag.
I rolled my eyes, throwing my arms up and heading up the stairs to leave him to his cleaning duties. I wasted no time getting into the shower, unable to recall the last time I had actually been in one but it felt good, nonetheless. Washing off what seemed to be weeks worth of dirt and brushing my teeth, I spent almost an hour in the bathroom before shutting off the water, wrapping the towel around my waste and heading in the bedroom to hear a squeal. Rhonda stood in front of my bed with her hands placed over her eyes to prevent herself from seeing anything. I shook my head, walking over to where she stood, "You never knew how to knock."
"I'm sorry, okay? I thought you were gonna' be a while", she said, clearly embarrassed.
I shrugged my shoulders a bit, "I was a while. I been in there for a whole damn hour. What? You just got here or somethin'?"
"Yeah, like ten minutes ago. Derek was downstairs cleaning and I didn't want to be in his way so I came up here but apparently you let the entire house get dirty", she said as she glanced around the bedroom. Great. Now I was embarrassed.
I released a nervous chuckle as I rubbed the back of my neck, clearing my throat shortly after, "Yeah... I've been meanin' to get around to it but I kept puttin' it off and it kinda' got outta' control."
"I see", was all she said and I gave her a faint smile that made her facial expression become a bit softer. "So, how've you been, sweetie? You, uh, doin' okay?"
I shrugged once again, "I'm aight."
"Well, from the looks of things, it doesn't look like you're alright. You sure about that?", she inquired, placing her hand onto my arm, which was still wet. I laughed a bit, I shaking my head and she frowned a little, her eyebrows furrowed as she looked at me with confusion, "What?"
I raised my brows as I stared at down at her, "You gon' really act like you didn't stop givin' a fuck just like everybody else? And let's no forget the shit you pulled."
"What? Teamin' up with Shakur?", she asked defensively.
I laughed once more, "Nah... I can care less about you teamin' up wit' dude. This about you stealin' one of my artists."
"One of your artists? Who?", she inquired, eyes wide as she looked at me. It almost looked as if she was truly confused but she knew exactly who I was talking about. I just stared at her instead of responding and she began to fidget her fingers, growing anxious. "Missy? Because if so, I didn't even sign her ass. Especially not after you and her... you know...", she trailed off. I shook my head as her assumption and she sighed. "Aaliyah?"
I furrowed my eyebrows, "Who the fuck is Amiyah?"
"Aaliyah.", she repeated the name as if it was supposed to ring a bell, but it didn't. "Look, D. I really don't know who the hell you're talkin' about, okay? So why don't you enlighten me?"
"Pharrell. Remember him?", I asked with sarcasm.
She just stood there with a stupid look on her face as she thought for a moment and I waited patiently until she had finally realized who he was. She gasped, placing her hand over her mouth with wide eyes as she looked at me.
"Yeah...I should've known what you were up to when you had him produce that lil' weak ass Human Nature remix. Who you else you takin', huh? Tornado? Static? Tim? First, you sleep wit' my homeboy and now you stealin' artists from me?" She started to speak but I just held my hand up, "I don't really care for an excuse, Rho. I mean, I think it's great that you gettin' ya' label off the ground and whatnot but that don't mean you gotta' bury mine."
I could see the tears welding up in her eyes as she stared up at me, "D... I didn't even sleep with him. He was shot and needed a place to stay so Faith dropped him off at my place and he stayed there for a while. That's it."
"Faith? See, now I know you lyin'. Faith know better than to be hangin' around Pac's ass. Her man got beef wit' him. Who you think you playin', Rhonda? I know these people more than you do, and I been in this industry longer than you. You really think you can pull one over on me in my own house?", I asked in disbelief but also amusement. She was really allowing the money and CEO title go to her head these days.
She released a heavy sigh, "I'm not lyin'. You can ask him yourself, D. Why would I lie to you? I have no reason to. It ain't like I have to answer to you anymore. We're not together."
"You right, we not. So, why are you here?", I inquired in a dry tone.
With her jaw dropped, she stared at me for a moment in shock before nodding her head, "You know what? I came over her to check on you and offer my help but if you don't want it then why should I bother?"
"My thoughts exactly."
She didn't say anything else as tears fell down her cheeks while she kept her eyes on me but I had shifted my gaze elsewhere. I couldn't watch her cry. Especially if it was because of me.
I could hear her footsteps as she headed out of the bedroom and I felt regret take over me, feeling bad to have said the things I did and refusing to spend more days alone when I had people who actually wanted to help.
"Rhonda, wait."
She ignored me, leaving out of the bedroom and heading down the stairs and I trailed behind her, "Stop following me, DeVantè."
"Rhonda—"
She turned around to face me, her face glistening from the tears that had fallen as she glared at me with her left index finger pointing toward me, "No, fuck you! You've done so much shit to me and I've forgiven you for all of it! I've never held your mistakes against you when you were down and out because I love you. I've been calling you everyday for a month and you haven't returned any of them! Then when I get here, you want to pull the Pharrell card as if he didn't leave way before he had even signed with me? Are you serious, D? Are you that miserable that you'd push people away who actually give a shit about you?"
I was speechless, shocked that she was even raising her voice at me and I was sure it wasn't to most proper time to get aroused but I was. I couldn't help it. She wasn't much of pushover anymore, and though I loved that sweet and fragile girl she once was, I also loved the bold and fearless woman she now.
"You act like you're some type of angel or somethin'. Like you didn't do anything wrong when you have. I hate that you try to turn a blind eye to your own bullshit but the moment someone else does somethin', it's a big ass lecture and occasional tears", I spoke, trying to ignore the current situation with hormones. Now is not the time, D.
She placed her hands onto her hips, stepping toward me a little, "Okay, but you're not angel either. And when you do things wrong, you never apologize for them. Timbaland looked up to you and yet you decided to sleep with his girlfriend, which just so happens to be my cousin. The shit you are so nonchalant about affects people, Donald. And not in a positive way. I will never be able to look at her the same because of your affair. Do you realize how much of an impact that has made on our relationship? Because I don't think you do. She's my family. How would you feel if I had sex with Dalvin, huh?"
"You wouldn't."
She took a deep breath, exhaling and it was evident that I was getting on her nerves, "That's not what I asked you. How would you feel if I fucked Dalvin?"
"I would be....", I trailed off, thinking for a moment as I tried to imagine her doing such a thing, though it wasn't exactly easy since that wasn't her character. But I tried anyhow, visualizing myself catching her and him in my bed one night after being at the studio. The uncomfortable memories that had never happened ran through my mind as I could feel myself becoming angrier by the minute, "I would pissed."
"That's it?"
"I would feel betrayed by my brother and by you. I would feel like I couldn't trust anybody and find it difficult to fall in love again... I would be heartbroken...", I said, talking around the knot that had formed in my throat as I thought about how badly I had hurt her time and time again and yet she continued to allow me back into her life despite my careless ways. She loved me. Unconditionally. And I treated her like than what she was worth to me. I hadn't even noticed I was crying until I felt her fingers wiping my tears away as she stared up at me with empathy. It was moments like this when I fell in love with her all over again. She was making sure I was okay as if she wasn't the one who was hurting. She put me before herself and I knew that she expected the same from me but I had let her down many times before by doing the opposite. Putting myself before her. I was selfish and I had finally realized that after causing her to suffer for so long. But now it was too late, sure that she was falling for Pac. Besides, I wasn't exactly ready to be with a woman such as herself. I had a lot to work on with me before I could even amount to half of the man that she deserved.
"Why do you keep forgivin' me, Rhonda? I've done so much wrong to you... Why do you keep takin' care of me?", I asked.
She smiled, shaking her head and cupping my face into the palm of her small hands, "Because your mom told me that it was my turn to take care of you and I promised her that I would."
I couldn't do anything but smile, chucking softly as I nodded my head while she pulled it forward to kiss my forehead.
I thought about telling her about the baby but I figured that would only mess things up between us as we were just now seeming to get back to normal. I didn't want to risk jeopardize it before it had even started.
I would tell her eventually but doing it right now didn't seem like such a good idea. I feared losing her completely and the baby might send her over the edge.
Suddenly, the sound of Derek clearing his throat broke the silence between us and we both turned to look over the balcony of the staircase from upstairs to see him standing there with a full trash bag in hand, "That's cute and all but can y'all come on and help me with this so I can get this over with?"
We both laughed, nodding our heads and heading down the staircase to the living room, occasionally sneaking glances at each other as we cleaned up the house, blushing and smiling like two teenagers.
It felt good to have her around.
And this time, I wasn't going to let her go.
I loved her.
Unconditionally.