It's 5am and I'm trying to edit a book (like an actual novel I might publish) and I genuinely wanna die WHY IS THIS SO HARD OH MY GOD I HATE THIS BOOK SO MUCH
But at the same time it's my baby
I hate myself jesus christ
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Chapter One Hundred & Sixty
My mind was clouded. It felt as if fog was blocking every thought I had. All I seemed to be able to hold onto were memories.
Mostly, I only remembered Finn. I went into my own little world and felt my lungs constrict.
There was a form of peace when I saw him. He finally got what he wanted. He wasn't a vampire anymore. He was free. But at the same time, I was saying goodbye to him again. It was hard enough when we were in Mystic Falls. I was losing him a second time.
When I awoke again, Elijah was sitting there with bloodshot eyes. He didn't look like he had slept in a long time, and he had also been crying. His tie was loose and his cuffs were undone, which was very strange for him.
He was holding my hand in both of his, staring down at me with a look in his eyes that I didn't quite recognize.
Even though I clearly did not have a heart, I felt something in my chest constrict when I saw just how broken he seemed.
"We thought you were dead," he said, his voice cracking. "Freya couldn't track you."
"Lucien has talented witches," I replied, my voice cracking just as much as his. Mine, however, was from not speaking for such a long time.
"Finn is dead. As is Lucien."
"I know," I informed him, wiping at my already stinging eyes. "At least I thought I knew. He didn't come back for a long time. I assumed that he either left town or you killed him."
His eyes suddenly began to glisten again. He was going to cry. "That's not all, Rose. It..."
"What?" I asked.
"Davina and Cami are dead too."
If I had a heart, it would have stopped right then and there. I didn't believe him.
"No. You're wrong. They can't be dead."
"They're gone, Rose," he said mournfully. "It was the only way."
There was something about that statement that caught me off guard. "What?"
He looked at me, and blinked with uncertainty and then horror.
"What was the only way?" I asked, my tone becoming dark. "What happened?"
"We... We used Davina's death to our advantage."
"We'll bring her back."
"You can't bring her back, Rose. You can't."
"Why not?!" I roared, tearing my hand from his.
He wasn't telling me everything, and I was getting more than a little frustrated with him. I had spent days, perhaps even weeks away from him and the rest of my family. Instead of telling me everything that had happened, he was hiding information.
"Her soul is destroyed today. It was shredded. It was the only way we could kill Lucien."
"You sacrificed her?" I shouted, my voice rising louder and louder by the second.
"She was already dead," he tried to explain. "It was the only way for Freya and I to-"
"I don't care!" I screamed, and leapt off the bed. I was sure to go off the other side, avoiding touching him as much as I could. "She was an innocent in this, Elijah!"
I rushed from the room, though I wasn't able to use my speed anymore. I wasn't strong enough for that yet. He followed after me.
"Rose, you shouldn't be walking. You are still-"
"Stop," I hissed, running down the stairs.
"Rose!" I heard Klaus yell, but kept walking. It was still dark outside.
"Let her go," Freya said, and I knew she was talking to Elijah. "She needs time."
I didn't take one of the cars. I didn't want any trace of them on me.
They hadn't changed my clothes while I was unconscious. I still had blood on me. I walked in the shadows and pulled my torn jacket around me, hiding the stains. I stayed in the shadows until I got to the other side of the river, and when I was outside his door, I could hear his heart beat.
It was strong, and I knew that it was because he was in pain.
I stared at his building in silence for a long time, trying to decide whether or not it was a good idea to go inside. I finally did, and entered his apartment without his consent.
I called out his name, not receiving a reply. Only the sound of his heart skipping a beat.
I heard him break down once more. He was sobbing, and as always, he used aggression as a way to cope. He was breaking tables and throwing glasses.
I went to him, finding him in the living room surrounded by broken furniture. His eyes were red from tears and he was panting.
"Marcel, please," I said, and my voice suddenly cracked. I couldn't handle this, and neither could he.
I had gone there to see him and to help him. But now I was nothing but broken.
"Marcel, I don't know what to do," I whimpered. "Please, p-please tell me what to do."
I put my hands over my mouth to stop the cries that threatened to escape.
He rushed to pull me into a tight embrace, and it took me a long time before I finally held him too. I felt like I was going to break him just like I broke everything else.
My fingers seemed to scrape at his back as I curled my hands into fists, and we didn't let go for what seemed like an eternity.
I didn't know if I would ever forgive them. If I could ever forgive them. I cared for Davina greatly, and even though I had not been close to her for a long time, I still loved her. Now she was gone and the only people to blame were Lucien and my family. Lucien was dead. They were the only ones I could be angry with.
I was a hypocrite. I had hurt so many people to protect them, and they had just done the same.
However, that did not invalidate how I felt. I was broken, and so was Marcel. There had been so many sacrifices and losses in those past months that my mind and soul could not seem to handle them. It could not handle the pain.
Whether or not I would ever be repaired was something I did not have an answer to.