I WASN'T DEPRESSED because I missed her. I was depressed because I realized the truth.
Why did I waste my time loving someone who saw me as less than a drug?
I didn't hate her. I did miss her, but it wasn't love anymore. At least I was trying to make it not be.
Every time I saw Morello she would constantly be crying. I wonder if she realizes that she means nothing to Nicky. No one means anything to Nicky. It's all bullshit.
Here I am, day six of being Nicky-free, sitting in the courtyard and soaking up the sun. I've pushed away Piper and Gloria. It just feels better keeping a distance right now. I don't want to form any more relationships that will end up turning to shit anyway.
I break off a piece of chocolate from my bar and suck on it while I watch some inmates play basketball. I decided to splurge on commissary.
Suddenly I can't see and feel fingertips against my eyelids. They're gentle but still cause me to jump in shock.
I hear a giggle and my mind that had been believing that it was Nicky completely withers away. Of course it's not Nicky. Nicky would never do something so stupid.
I feel a pair of lips lightly kiss behind my ear before a voice whispers, "guess who?" I cringe but I still can't see.
My eyes widen when I process that voice. I recognize it and I haven't heard it in so long. I never expected to hear it again.
I want to scream.
I lean to the side and look up at my gentle attacker. The voice matches the pretty little face. Fuck.
"What are you doing here?" I question frantically. This is not good.
"Good behaviour means that I could come back early." Tonia steps over the bench and plops down next to me. Her raven hair is still as long as it was when she left but I swear her lips have gotten plumper. Is it possible to get work done while in prison?
"Where did you even go?" I can still feel her lips on the skin near my ear. I feel tingles down my spine.
"Max." She says as if it is something to be proud of. "I turned myself in." I didn't notice that she had moved closer to me. She scares me so much that I can't even walk away.
"I saw Nicky there, just as I was leaving." She says at a quieter volume. Her lips are curved.
"Y-You did?" I stammer. There's a weird bubble feeling in my throat, a mixture between heartburn and having a heart attack.
"I mean it's no surprise, she was bound to end up in max at some point." Tonia shrugs. God, I wanna smack her gorgeous face.
Tonia would be the ultimate woman if she wasn't such a sadistic bitch.
"Must be hard for you." She says, snapping me out of my thoughts.
"No, not at all." I reply.
"Oh come on, don't try and pretend that you weren't a little sad when she left."
"Well I'm not anymore, alright?" I snap. Tonia raises both eyebrows.
"Okie-dokie."
I press my lips into a firm line to stop myself from getting emotional. I don't want to cry in front of Satan over here.
"Eves," she says gently, but she is anything but gentle, "I've changed."
I almost scoff. It doesn't seem like it.
"Really?"
"Mmhm." Tonia nods. "I've already apologized to you, but words can't express how ashamed and embarrassed I am." I would believe her if she didn't have such a strange tone to her voice, like she is acting and reading off a script behind me.
"I'm gonna leave now-"
"No wait!" She screeches, grabbing me hard. I wince in pain and she immediately lets go.
"I was a wild animal. I really am sorry." Tonia pouts.
I raise an eyebrow at her while rubbing my sore arm. "Why should I believe you? You tried to kill me."
"I know! But I really have changed." This sounds familiar. Sounds a lot like Millie. Another Millie.
"You tried to kill me." I repeat through gritted teeth.
Tonia digs for something in her pocket and I'm not gonna lie, I almost take off running. I expect a pocket knife to stab me to death but then again, would dying right now be that bad?
To a mixture of disappointment and relief, she doesn't pull out a knife but a gold necklace. I stare as she holds it by the chain, letting the cross dangle from the ends.
"I found God." She says quietly as if it is a secret. The cross stops swinging and lays against her wrist.
I mean no disrespect, but has she really changed? Or is this some kind of set up to make me believe her?
"Growing up, I was never taught about religion. My family just didn't care about that shit, so neither did I. But in max my bunkmate was really into the whole Jesus thing and every night I would hear her pray. It was annoying at first because they went for an hour, sometimes more, but I finally decided to listen one night and yeah, it just changed my whole perspective."
"And honestly, I didn't come back for you. I came back because I know that there's a nun here, but I forgot her name."
"Sister Ingalls." I answer.
Tonia smiles at me, running her thumb across the chain. "Can you take me to her?"
It takes me a few moments to decide. If she's serious about this, then I guess that's good. It means she will stay out of trouble.
I sigh before standing up. "Follow me." I murmur and take the lead.
"SISTER," WITHOUT ANY warning, Tonia overlaps her arms around Sister's shoulders and I'm in the best position to see her reaction. Sister is completely shocked but she is too gentle to shove Tonia away.
If I knew she was going to go in for a hug right away, I would have taken her to someone else just so that she could get her ass beat.
Tonia holds Sister at arms length and turns her head to look at me. "Thank you, Evie." Tonia smiles big.
"I'm uh, gonna leave now..." I slowly start backing away, hoping Tonia doesn't want anything else from me. When she doesn't respond, I exhale heavily and went my own way.
I try not to think about Tonia too much as I walk into the bathroom, stepping over someone's mop that they left on the ground. Against the wall is a cart with cleaning supplies.
As I examine the floor, I hear the sound that can't be mistaken for anything but crying. It reminds me of when I first met Tonia, and how stupid I was to decide to stop and help her.
I walk around the other side of the wall that divides the showers from the toilets. I keep walking until I nearly pass the stall that the sound is coming from.
Morello is sitting on the floor, hugging her knees that are drawn up under her chin. She is a mess. Her hair is unkept, something surprising for Morello, and she's not wearing her signature lipstick. Even her eyes are bare, except for the tears.
She stops making a sound when she notices me, and for a while we just stare at each other, taking in our reactions to the loss. Her face looks as if she's wondering why I'm not crying.
My eyes wander around the area, trying to think of what I should do. Should I comfort her?
No. I'm not getting attached anymore. She can deal with this herself. It's prison, not daycare.
I can see the shock on her face from the corner of my eye as I keep walking. I nervously pick at my fingernails, closing my eyes momentarily as my mind catches up with my actions. There is no way Morello will like me now.
"You don't need to be liked." I told myself. Prison isn't forever.
I SIT ALONE at dinner for the first time in months. It's a weird feeling, usually when I'm this alone it's because I'm the first to arrive at the table. But now I'm the first and the last.
I can feel all eyes on me, specifically Gloria's group and Morello's. Even Ryder is staring at me, but when we make eye contact he smiles. It's a pity smile. I can tell that he wishes he could sit next to me, but instead he has no choice but to press his back against the painted brick wall and do his job.
Ten minutes into dinner and I feel a presence behind me. I groan, knowing exactly who it is when I catch a whiff of strawberries.
She plops down next to me and I immediately shake my head. "Nope, go away." I order.
Tonia pouts, but she doesn't need to. Her lips are plump enough to look like she's pouting constantly.
"But you look so lonely, and as a good Christian it is my duty to make sure everyone is included."
I stare at her in disbelief.
"Tell me what's wrong, sweetie."
"Nothing. I'm fine. Great, actually. Just doing my sentence."
"I can see right through you. You're not okay."
I suddenly feel angry. "Why do you care?!" I snap.
"Because I'm worried about you, Eves." She says. "Ever since I first saw you again, you've looked so miserable and I know it's because of Nicky. You're just in denial."
"I actually can't stand you." I say, hoping she'll take offence and back off.
"I know how to make you feel better." She moves closer to me and this time I have no way of moving over, unless I want to find my ass on the floor.
"Don't-" I warn.
"Sh," she cuts me off. Her leg is against mine and I'm cringing. She leans towards me and I freeze as she whispers. "Pills."
I shove her and she falls onto her back.
I can hear COs rushing towards us. "Are you fucking serious?!" I yell at her. She sits up, holding the back of her head and grimacing.
"Hey! You better watch yourself or you're getting a shot." A CO tells me.
I step towards Tonia. "Stay the fuck away from me." I spit at her, just before the CO pulls me away.