Roan and I were training in the throne room when shouts from the hallway interrupted us. "Haihefa!" I recognized Echo's voice before she burst through the doors. She was so intent on delivering her message; she didn't even stop to cast an annoyed look in my direction. "Someone's broken in."
"Broken in?" I repeated. I tried not to let the worry seep into my voice. I knew I failed when Roan put a reassuring hand on my shoulder. I couldn't help but flashback to every time I'd been in the midst of an attack. Grounders, mountain men, even my own people under ALIE's control. I had enough to worry about as it was without needing to fight for my life again.
For once, Echo looked at me with something other than annoyance. I was pretty sure the pity was worse. "They came and went," she said, almost reassuringly. After a beat she turned to Roan and added, "They took the flame."
Roan withdrew his hand from my shoulder. Losing the flame was worse than having a would-be assassin in our midst. Without it, Roan's position was precarious at best. "Any witnesses?" Roan asked.
Echo shook her head. "Our best guess is one of Titus' apprentices."
"Those people are like a cult," he said, with a frown. "Find them."
"Right away." Echo bowed and then disappeared as quickly as she'd arrived.
Roan was pacing. He didn't have to say anything for me to see how stressed he was. I ran my fingers through my hair while I tried to think of a solution. "Octavia can help," I said finally. "If anyone can figure out who took the flame, it's her." He glanced over and nodded. "She's with Indra, I'll go explain."
He stopped pacing and shook his head. "No, it should be me."
"It's not safe for you down there," I protested, turning to put myself between him and the door. "The people aren't exactly pleased with your reign."
"I'll take guards, it will be fine. I don't want you tied up in this." I raised an eyebrow, wanting to comment that I was already tied up in this. After a paused he added, "You and Kane are the untainted faces of Skaikru, I can't have you connected to any more assassinations. But Octavia, she's exactly what we need."
"They've been calling her Skairipa," I whispered. "Death from above." I knew things had changed, but Octavia would always be like my little sister. I hated to think of her as anyone's assassin. But none of us were the same person we'd been on the Ark. "Be careful out there," I muttered. I headed for the door before he could say anything else.
★ ★ ★ ★
I spent hours alone in my room before I heard from anyone. Sometime after nightfall, Octavia came by, but only for a moment. She explained that they'd lost the flame and mumbled something about Indra. Then she'd darted out before I could press her about what actually happened. Things between the two of us had gotten better, but she still hadn't let me back in yet.
Since the gathering, I'd only seen Kane a few times. He claimed it was only because I needed my rest, but I knew he was avoiding me. He'd come around eventually. He had to know I wouldn't allow Octavia to kill someone without a good reason. Killing Rafael had been for the greater good. Then again, without the flame, Roan was in the same situation all over again.
Abby had sent up some of my things from Arkadia, Shauna's book among them. I tried to read for a while, but my mind was too distracted to focus on the story. I wished I could go on a run, but the guards weren't allowed to let me leave the tower at night. I paced my room for a while, before finally deciding to go to sleep. I groaned as I flopped down into my bed.
I didn't realize how exhausted I was until my head hit the pillow. I'd been pushing myself in training. The faster I improved, the faster I could get back out in the field. I was going stir crazy in this tower. Not to mention, I was completely useless to everyone from up here. I drifted off, thoughts of training and field missions fading into quiet murmurs.
A shout startled me and I sat up quickly. I scanned the room before realizing the shout must have come from me. It didn't feel like I'd even slept, but the dead quiet outside let me know it must be the middle of the night. The nightmare came back in fragments, but it wasn't hard to fill in the blanks. I'd had the same dream at least a hundred times.
My door burst open. I nearly shrieked again before my eyes adjusted to the darkness. Roan stood in the doorway, sword in hand. "Maia, are you alright?"
"I'm fine, it was a nightmare," I admitted sheepishly. I put my hand over my face embarrassed. "Did I wake you up all the way downstairs?"
He lowered his sword; pacified that no one was trying to kill me. "I was in the throne room."
"Roan, it's the middle of the night," I reprimanded, nightmare momentarily forgotten. "Echo said you were barely sleeping."
"There's too much to worry about." I motioned for him to take a seat on the couch, as he didn't appear to be going to bed any time soon. "If I take a moment to rest, everything is going to come crashing down."
"I know the feeling," I sympathized. "But, not sleeping isn't going to help. You need rest to gain your strength back. Not to mention, exhaustion and good decisions don't exactly go hand in hand."
He raised an eyebrow. "Abby is rubbing off on you."
I shrugged. "You're welcome to sleep on my couch, as long as you promise to actually get some rest. If anything happens, Echo can find you right here."
Roan stretched out, kicking his feet up on the armrest. "I was right about this couch, it is comfortable." I lay back down even though I knew I wasn't getting anymore sleep tonight. Without Bellamy to calm me, it was hopeless.
"What happened in your nightmare?" Roan asked, as if sensing my restlessness. I pushed myself back up into a sitting position, so I could see him over the foot of my bed.
"It's always the same thing every time. I'm always back in Mount Weather. They locked us in the dormitory and we had to fight back. But, there was nothing we could do, nothing I could do. They took people; some of them didn't come back. I've never felt so helpless in my whole life. Some of them were just kids, they were counting on me."
I was quiet for a moment before I continued. "In my nightmare I have to save someone, and I never can. Sometimes it's people who weren't even there, like Raven or Bellamy. Someone I'm worried about, or I don't know, feel responsible for. It's like I'm moving in slow motion, seeing what's about to happen but helpless to stop it." I shook my head and sighed. "I thought they'd stopped, I hadn't had one in so long. Being away from my people, the weight is sort of off my shoulders, you know? But tonight..." I trailed off, looking out the window.
"Who did you have to save tonight?"
"You," I whispered.
Roan sat up slowly, trying to hide his surprise. I shrugged. "You feel responsible for keeping the coalition together," he assumed.
"Yeah, sure, but that's not all of it," I admitted. "You aren't just a means to an end, at least not anymore. I don't want any more blood on my hands. I can't save everyone, but that doesn't mean I can't try. That's why I've been training so hard. I need to get out there, I need to help."
Neither of us said anything for a long time. Finally Roan lay back down. "Get some sleep, Maia."
"Yeah, you too." I lay back down, knowing full well I wasn't getting any more rest tonight. But eventually Roan fell asleep. His heavy breathing across the room was relaxing. Even though I couldn't sleep, I didn't feel scared anymore.
★ ★ ★ ★
Kane and I sat in Trikru's building, he offered me something to drink but I shook my head. The room was packed, the remaining members of Trikru liked to stick together. "Why'd you call me here? I thought you were still upset about Rafael."
"I am," he admitted. I could hardly hear him over everyone else. "But, I know you, Maia. You don't enjoy killing. You wouldn't have sent Octavia after Rafael if there was any other way." I nodded, waiting for him to get to the point. "But Octavia is not you. There's a darkness in her."
"I'm worried about her," I said with a sigh. "She's been distant lately, even after everything. But, calling it darkness sounds a bit harsh."
"She beheaded a man," he reminded me. "There was no reason for that."
"He destroyed the flame." I frowned. "Maybe beheading was a bit drastic, but it wasn't entirely unwarranted."
Kane sighed. "He didn't destroy the flame. Indra's daughter took it." I stared at him blankly. "Gaia is protecting it. The flame will be safe in her hands. Octavia couldn't kill her, so she came up with another option."
I frowned. "Did you tell Octavia to lie to me?" I asked, though I knew Octavia well enough to know she wouldn't hide something like that from me. "Why are you telling me now?"
"We couldn't risk the King finding out," he explained. "You and Roan have gotten close." I opened my mouth to comment, but he quickly added, "Which is a good thing. But it's also dangerous. When your guard is down you're more likely to let something slip."
"I know how to keep a secret," I protested. "I was Robin Hood for years and it never slipped."
"Because you never had friends," he reminded me. I frowned, though he wasn't wrong. "And the one person who knew everything, was the person who got you confined."
I took a deep breath and let it out slowly. "Let's not dredge up old feelings. You're right about Octavia, we have to do something."
Kane nodded. "I'm going to send her back to Arkadia. But, I wanted your opinion first. You're still my councilor."
Neither of us said anything for a moment. "Without Octavia things will be difficult. We'll be the only ones here to protect Roan." I paused and bit my lip. "But Polis isn't good for her, she's forgotten who she is. She's like my sister, I want her safe." I sighed. "I guess that isn't a very objective decision."
"It will be difficult to keep the King in power, especially without the flame. You and I will have to work twice as hard," Kane told me. "But I hear you're almost healed up, you can handle it."
I nodded. "I'll go get Helios saddled," I offered. "The quicker we can get Octavia home, the better.
★ ★ ★ ★
I was brushing Helios's mane when Octavia burst in. The bang of the door hitting the wall was so loud I nearly tripped over the water bucket. Helios nuzzled Octavia lovingly and she gave the horse and distracted pat. "Honestly, Maia, how could you?"
I held my hands up in surrender. "I did what I thought was best."
"Sending me back to Arkadia is best?" Octavia asked incredulously. "Who's going to protect the King now? You?" She shook her head. "You can't do what needs to be done."
"You mean, I won't kill innocent people," I clarified. I crossed my arms. "I'm sorry that I look for a better way, before I resort to beheadings."
"Kane told you," she realized, shaking her head.
I tossed down the brush. It clattered to the ground. "What would Lincoln think of this? He only wanted peace. That's what he tried to teach you. Where did you go wrong?"
"Where did I go wrong?" She asked. "I'm not spitting on Lincoln's memory. I remember all the lives that were lost. Do you?"
"Is this about me forgiving Bellamy?" I let out a sharp breath. "This is ridiculous. Yes, those grounders died for nothing, and it was terrible. But I am trying to save lives now, not contribute more death. What Bellamy did was wrong, but I love him. I know you love him too."
"When will you realize love shouldn't make you sacrifice who you are?" She grabbed Helios's reins and turned away.
I started to go after her, but stopped myself. "If you don't let go of this anger, it will eat you alive, Octavia," I told her. She stopped, but didn't turn around. Finally she walked away, leaving me alone.
★ ★ ★ ★
After Octavia stormed off, I returned to my room. The tower was quiet, I only saw a few guards on my way upstairs. I was changing my bandages when I heard the lock click shut. I walked toward the door and jiggled the handle. "Hello?" I called. I was met with silence. I banged on the door. "Hey! Let me out!"
I ran over to the window and looked down. Several Azgeda guards were heading for lockup; they dragged two men along with them. I leaned forward, trying to make out who it was. Then one of them looked up. "Bellamy," I whispered. I would have recognized his dark curls anywhere. I realized the other man must be Kane.
I sprinted back to the door, and dropped down to my knees to look at the lock. I pulled my knife out and wiggled it in the lock for a few minutes, until I heard the click. I pushed myself clumsily to my feet and opened the door. The hallway was completely empty.
I darted into the throne room, hoping Roan was inside. It was as dead as the rest of the floor. The elevator doors were closed and it took a lot of effort to pry them open. I gazed down at the open elevator shaft, my stomach doing summersaults as I reached for the ladder. I climbed down to the Azgeda delegation's level, and reached for the doors.
They opened in front of me and Echo yanked me out into the hall without a word. "What's going on?" I asked. "Where's Roan?" The elevator was brought up and I was half dragged into it. Two guards joined us. When it stopped on the top floor, Echo shoved me out in front of her. I stumbled, almost falling, before regaining my balance.
"Just tell me what's going on, don't I deserve that?" I asked.
"Your people are traitors," she said with disgust, pushing me back into my room. "The alliance is over." She slammed the door in my face. I could make out the shadows of the two Azgeda guards in front of the door. Unless I wanted to go out the window, I was trapped.
Hours passed and I paced. The shrieks outside startled me, I ran for the window to see what was happening. A Trikru woman stood in the streets, wailing. She sounded like a dying animal. Across from her, Azgeda warriors streamed out of the Trikru building.
My door burst open and I nearly fell out the window. I whirled around ready to fight whoever it was. Roan stood in the doorway, his face solemn. "What happened? Why are you doing this?"
"Skaikru betrayed the alliance," he told me. "They were only going to save themselves."
"That's not true!" I protested. "The Ark was a backup plan, there was going to be another way. Clarke just needed to find it. That's why I wanted to leave so bad! We're trying to find a way to save us all."
Roan looked disappointed. "You knew."
I looked down. "Of course, I knew. Kane told me everything. You had so much to worry about, I just didn't want add anymore. We're going to save everyone. I promise, Roan."
"Skaikru's word is no good," he practically spat. "You only look out for yourselves. Its time Azgeda return to that philosophy too."
"Roan, please. Whatever you're planning, just give us another chance," I begged. "We do want to help. I want to help." He shook his head. I grabbed his arm. "Don't you trust me? I thought we were friends."
He shook me off. "I was wrong." He motioned for the guards at the door. "Take her down to the others."
The two men stepped toward me. They were broad shouldered and intimidating. I made a leap for my gun and backed myself into the corner. "I don't want to hurt anyone, please don't make me." The two Azgeda guards looked at Roan unsure.
Roan stepped toward me slowly. "I don't want to hurt you either," he said calmly. "To escape you'll have to shoot a lot of people. I know you don't want to do that." I gripped the gun tighter, pointing it right at him. I felt like I was in the hallway on the Ark, the day of my arrest. Tears welled up in my eyes. Roan grabbed my hands and I let him take the gun.
Roan backed away and his guards grabbed my arms. I squeezed my eyes shut as they led me out of the room. It took all my willpower not to let any tears fall.