SONG-HELLO FRIEND / THATSTUFFWILLKILLYA; BONES
"No concern of dying, no concern of living, the outcome is so fucking funny."
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"I wish I had a little chip in my brain that recorded all of my thoughts cause when I'm high, so many things run through my head and I can't write them down due to my incompetent state of mind and it's frustrating cause I end up forgetting it the next day." I rambled on and on as my hands kept digging in the twizzlers wrapper, pulling out nothing each time. Harry eventually took the plastic away from me.
"There's nothing in there." He hummed and tried to toss it into my trash can across my room, missing completely. "You really want a chip in your head?"
"Well maybe if like they didn't record everything... I think about some fucked up shit."
"Like what?"
We were on my bed, looking at my popcorn ceiling and trying to count the many bumps that littered it. Harry got as far as fifty and I got to twenty-one, my mind suddenly spitting all these ideas out. After I took my shower and got dressed, we went behind my house to smoke and came right back in, stumbling with tingly mouths and blurry heads. I wanted to right before we drove to the concert only because I figured everyone would be on something, but Harry said he needed to be in the moment to see one of his best friends perform without the buzz of his high. I understood him completely; it showed that he cared about his friend's success and that was extremely cute.
"It's really fucked up to say out loud and you might see me as some murderer or something but I just do extensive research on serial killers and psychopaths-" my high was taking advantage of my thoughts and pushing them out of my uncontrollable mouth, whereas Harry's just made him concentrate really hard. He got up from his laying position and looked down at my flushed face, squinting.
"You're thinking about killing people?"
"No!" I shot up and playfully pushed him away from me, scooting backwards to press my back against my headboard. "No, it's not-- No I'm not thinking about killing people. What I'm saying is I think about what motivates people to kill. I'd never.. I'd never kill anyone!"
Harry looked at me in the way I knew he would and I licked my bottom lip before kicking him. My foot couldn't even reach his shoulder, his hand wrapped around my ankle and pulled me from the headboard. "You're always tryna hit me." He chuckled and opened my legs, positioning himself between them as he always did. "You're not strong enough to hurt me, baby."
"I'm weak?" My voice was almost comparable to a little girl's and I cleared my throat to change it.
"You're weak." Harry looked at my lips and back into my eyes.
"No, I'm stronger than you." I tried to convince him and reached up to the back of his head, tangling my fingers in his never ending, soft chocolate curls.
"I bet you are." Harry leaned down to kiss me, our lips locking and opening almost immediately to let each other in. His tongue skillfully moved against my own in ways that were inexplicable, my legs growing weak in complete awe that he could take my breath away literally and physically. He kissed like he was drowning and needed me, all of me.
When he pulled away, I bit my lip and opened my eyes slowly which caused him to take in a sharp breath. "You're magnificent." He leaned down again, this time with his lips grazing the shell of my ear. "I really want to fuck you."
My stomach dropped at his words, even though I had been thinking the same thing ever since we cuddled that night. Feeling him inside of me would bring me closer to what I thought was heaven, but it could easily ruin the innocence of what we had. Sex was only a thing for the guys I've been with. They'd drop me as soon as they found someone who would to give it up and leave me to believe that all guys were the same. I couldn't let that happen with Harry, he was too special for me. He'd taint the image I had for kind guys like him and I wouldn't be able to trust anyone. Not only that, he'd taint the image I had for him and that couldn't happen.
His face met mine once more and I gave him a wry smile. "I'm.."
I wished it didn't have to make a difference, I wished I could've slept with anyone and have it not mean anything because eventually sex is just sex. An activity people take part in to relieve stress by enjoying the body of someone else's. It was instilled in me when I was very young that guys only wanted one thing, and thanks to my mom, my views on virginity altered frequently. It was always supposed to be with someone special but I couldn't be mad when he found someone else. On the nights I was really lonely and wanted someone to hold me, I figured I had to give him something first in exchange. It shouldn't be that way. Your first time should be special, not just a way to make the other feel good. At least that's how I wanted to see my first time along with many others.
Harry laughed an embarrassed laugh and pulled away from me, the corners of my mouth dropping down and pulling my lips in a tight line. "I didn't know-" he tried to find the words with his attention diverted.
"That I was a virgin?"
He ruffled his hair. "I mean, I kind of had a clue but.."
"It's okay." I shrugged and reached out to bring him back. "We can mess around if you want? I can suck-"
"No," he interrupted me and caused my frown to grow deeper. When I reached out to the hem of his shirt to bring him closer, he kind of flinched away. "You don't have to."
"Hold me." I ordered with begging eyes. He adjusted himself to do so, arms enveloping me. "I'm assuming you're not a virgin."
How could he be? He was a beautiful man, British, lean, brooding. Girls must've been throwing themselves at him before I came into the picture. His long term relationship with Cara that obviously left him scared meant something, they could've taken part very frequently. When I asked, his body tensed and he pulled me closer. He was probably thinking about her. He probably thinks about her. Not like.. he wants her back but in the way I thought about Tyler and Max when we kissed. It's normal. I'm not jealous.
"How does that make you feel?" He hummed. All this sex talk was beginning to make my high go away and it'd only been thirty minutes or so.
"Nervous." I answered truthfully as he drew circles on my stomach.
"Don't be."
I wanted to ask him more questions about sex, I didn't know much from the porn I occasionally watched and the talk I heard in the locker rooms. The upperclassmen thought exaggerating stories was the only way to tell them and it made me sad to know that most of them weren't happy. The guys in Wardenton are like the guys everywhere. They're unfaithful and they don't know what they want. I expected them to be thinking about others while having sex with their girlfriends. That's what I was afraid of. I wouldn't want someone to be thinking about how good someone else felt when sleeping with me.
"How does it feel?" I asked like a naive girl, closing my eyes in fear of not liking what I'd hear.
I could tell he was uncomfortable. "Good. For the most part, if you care about the person."
"Is that why you want to sleep with me? Because you care about me?"
"Yes. And I want to make you feel good, but you won't if you're not ready."
He was saying what I knew he would say, "I won't pressure you into doing it," and "we don't have to, I'll stop if you're uncomfortable," but it was all white noise to me. Guys will say anything to get into your pants and I'm not just saying that to say it, and I'm not saying all guys will do so. Hearing him talking about it would have instilled false hope; he could be lying to me without even knowing it. I'm preparing for the actions behind his words because there's nothing more disappointing than someone who cannot follow through.
Tyler said he would wait.
He kept his word until I refused to give him what he wanted, getting frustrated with me and then frustrated with our relationship even though he promised me that he would wait. He thought that since making out with him came easy, the rest would too.
Max was different. We never talked about sex because the idea of it grossed us both out. We were still young, and when we weren't young; when I cheated, we never thought anything of it because the hooking up barely lasted.
"Where'd you go?" Harry called me out of my trance and I looked back to him, shaking my head.
"Nowhere I'm just.. thinking."
"About what?"
There was a silence. I looked to the clock, it was still early and we were leaving to go to the show in a few hours. "Do you miss sex? If I make you wait, will you find someone else and sleep with them?"
Harry pulled me closer and kissed the top of my head before speaking, our close proximity soothing me in a way, not answering for a bit and his hesitation made me anxious. "I miss it, yes. But I won't find someone else just because you won't have sex with me."
"Don't say it if you don't mean it."
"I mean it, Aida. You're worth it and I'll wait."
We eventually moved away from the subject and fell asleep to pass time, knowing we had a long night ahead of us.
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