SONG-BLUR;BONES
"How could you judge another being seeing as we're all just dust?"
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When I entered my mother's home in hopes of seeing her presence left over with a set of spare keys and an empty Wawa coffee cup, I was brought to surprise when she sat on the couch with her hands collected at her crossed knees.
She wore her usual work clothes, a dress of some tribal pattern and some heels. Her hair spilled over her shoulders in coils that were beginning to fall, only half of it tucked away behind the shells of her ears that dropped with expensive jewelry. A frown complimented her unamused and worried glare, informing me that I had come too late for her liking.
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry." I apologized with coffee breath and the knowledge that my apologies would not suffice. "I was at Danny's and my phone died, I meant to call you but I couldn't."
"Danny's house doesn't have any outlets?" Her voice cut into the air and I knew it wasn't brutal, for she was only worried with my whereabouts.
My silence only made her jerk her head in disbelief and impatience. "There's no excuse.. I should've charged my phone and called you as soon as possible."
"Not even. You know my number by heart, you could've used someone else's phone." She looked at my attire, my body draped in flannels and my hair mangled in a mess. Her eyes cascaded over mine, makeup smeared but in a good way because a small smile ran across my face. She pursed her lips. "I have to get to work. Emilio made breakfast, its in the microwave and we're going to dinner tonight. Be home by dark."
"I don't think I'm going anywhere." I plucked at the string coming from the hem of the flannel Danny gave me.
She responded with silence and began to gather her things, mumbling out her checklist and what she needed to get done for her day at work. While she was getting ready in the short amount of time she had, I sat on the couch and rubbed my makeup even more to get the crust from my eyes.
"If you do go anywhere, be home at a reasonable time. If you're staying somewhere, call me. I can't afford another night staying up and worrying about you." She grabbed her car keys and unlocked the doors from the living room. After walking to the front and wrapping her hand around the knob, she bent down to place a kiss onto my forehead. "Your boyfriend is waiting outside for you."
My heart fell at her words, the smile on my face dropping and disappearing for god knows how long. She exited the house and left the door open for me with a silent bid goodbye and a rushed attempt to get to work on time. I looked at the open door and hugged Danny's flannel close to my chest, keeping my eyes shut for the desperate sake of dipping back into the never ending sea of sleep. It didn't last long enough because the door was waiting for me, he was waiting for me, I was waiting for me.
My feet felt like cinderblocks and there was a fire deep in my throat. It burned with bile and couldn't be cooled.
My head peeked out of the door first and then I stepped onto the first step of my small porch, looking out to the curly headed boy in his car with his head held down to glance at something on his phone. He heard the door close and shot his head up, the shadow of bags under his eyes not disappearing after he revealed himself in the light. Harry shut his car door and my mother pulled out of the driveway, honking her horn but not bothering to look at the both of us, focusing on backing out rather than something she had been unaware of. My bare feet laid flat on the material of my porch steps, toes curling for my nails to graze and feel that I was actually there. Harry couldn't help the feeling, I still had a hard time believing he drove to my house so early in the morning just to speak to me.
"I'm sorry." He said, and I understood the disappointment my mother felt when those same words slipped from my mouth.
"For what?"
"You know what for."
A sigh fell out and on top of my moistened lip. "You can't just.. do things like that."
"I know-"
"So why'd you do it?" I noticed my frustration beginning to build and held it by stepping away from him only slightly. He responded by coming closer. "Why did you get mad in the first place? You kept a secret from me, you decided it was best to keep me out of the loop and to top it all off, you left me at a dance by myself because you felt as though our ride arrangements were no longer existent."
He stayed silent and collected his hands behind his head and at the base of his neck.
"I was simple enough to think you wouldn't do anything so selfish that I called you afterwards to see where the fuck you were. You took it as a joke and laid everything out on the table for me. I shouldn't even be talking to you right now, in fact, your very presence is making me sick to my fucking stomach." I took a moment to breathe but not to collect myself, I wasn't done. "You showed me your ass. You really did. And you know what's frustrating? I was so naive to think you'd be different."
There was a long moment of silence that I knew I had to break, but I looked at him to see if he showed any remorse. His face was like a blank slate of nothingness, he showed no emotion and it was eerily similar to a face of someone who didn't care. "Are you going to say something?" I begged.
Harry stepped onto my porch, his hands falling from the base of his neck and reaching out to me. I flinched but my body reacted, enveloping in his warm embrace and wallowing in the shadows of his overpowering height. He pulled me into his chest and placed his hand on top of my head, pressing my cheek against his hard torso. I refused to show anything, I wasn't going to cry or angrily push him away. This was proof that showing nothing wasn't effective, only self destructive.
"Nothing I say will make this better." He pressed his chin against the top of my head and I closed my eyes slowly, wishing once more that I wasn't in reality and somewhere deep inside my mind where things were made up and unrealistic. "I just want you to know that I am trying. I really am. My way of coping with letting people in is pushing them away and it's wrong."
"I just don't understand why." My words tangled themselves in the seams of his black sweater.
We pulled away from our embrace and looked at each other. "Three weeks ago I thought I was moving back to England to start uni. I thought," he ran a hand through his hair and I looked down to distract myself. "What's the point in letting anyone in? You're just going to leave when you graduate and you'll forget about everything that's ever happened here."
My teeth trapped a piece of flesh from my cheek and gnawed on it to keep myself from speaking.
"But I found out that I'm not done growing here. I still don't even know how to cope with my own feelings because I'm pushing the person I need and want to let in away and I don't know why." Harry exasperated and reached out to my face to tuck a defiant piece of hair behind my ear. "What I did was inexcusable and I'm hoping this doesn't taint what we have. Even though it doesn't seem special now, I'm sure it has potential."
"It does." I tilted my head up to look him in his eyes. "I know it does."
His smile came slowly when we locked our lips together in a short kiss. A part of me hated how fast I had forgiven him, eager to push the bad away and start again with the good.
"Are those tickets still up for grabs?" After asking, Harry lifted me off of my feet and walked to the door to lightly kick it open and carry me in. A laugh erupted from what felt like my lungs when he sat me down on the couch, placing himself between my legs and burying his head in my shoulder. He nodded to answer my question, fishing out a paper with two printed tickets creased many times due to folding. It fell on the ground when he began to kiss my sensitive spots, sniffing lightly.
"Who's clothes are these?" He pulled away with an unamused and confused frown. My hand reached up to caress his cheek and lay flat on his jaw.
"Danny's."
"Why do you have his clothes on?"
I shook my head and pulled him close, frowning at my failed attempt to get him to kiss me. "We just made up and you're already acting pissy-"
"Cause you're wearing Danny's clothes."
"And?"
"And you shouldn't be wearing any."
I scoffed."I don't think you want to fuck me or even kiss me cause I half ass brushed my teeth this morning with my finger and a dab of toothpaste and to top it all off,"
He interrupted me with a chuckle. "You say that a lot."
"To top it all off," I continued. "I haven't taken a shower in more than twenty four hours. So get off and wait down here or something while I get ready."
"Ready for what?" He pulled away and ran a hard through his curls.
I ignored him to get up from my position on the couch, heading over to the steps and jogging up to my room. Harry followed slowly afterwards, the creaking of my steps amazing him enough to repeat the action of pressing his foot against the wood to make the same noise over and over. I peeked my head from my doorway and there he stood, eyebrows raised. "What are you doing?"
"How old is this house?"
I shrugged, "Emilio lived here with his grandparents when he was very young and so did his grandfather. It's been passed down through generations."
"That's so cool." He rocked on his heels and the floor beneath him still creaked. "I've only been in my house since I've moved from Cheshire which was right before my sophomore year."
"Do you miss England?"
He shrugged. "Not really, no. I miss my family more than anything but not my hometown." There was pain laced in his tone and I frowned.
"Do you have any siblings?" I began to get undressed and he respectively stayed outside of my room, putting his hands in his pockets and looking along the pictures hung up in the hall.
"A sister. She's back in England too. Uni."
"Were you guys close?"
"Still are. We talk almost all the time."
I nodded and discarded my clothes in my hamper before wrapping a towel around my body.
"I told her about you."
The permanent line on my face curved into a smile and I bit the inside of my cheek, wondering if it had been too early. "What did she say? Does she like me.. or, the idea of me?"
"She's happy that you make me happy." Harry hummed as I grabbed my shampoo and conditioner, holding them close to my chest. "When she comes for winter break, I'll make sure you meet her. She's pretty cool."
And in that moment, I fell in love. I didn't know it yet and I still don't know why or how, but hearing him talking about her just made me melt. He hadn't even said much but the way he spoke was mesmerizing and I knew I could hear him speak for hours and never get tired. I felt this automatic pull, this magnet bringing me closer and closer, dangerously close to his body, straying away from the solitude I was comfortable with.
He grinned when I kissed him really quick to tell him I'd be right out, hands falling to my waist and pulling me back before I could even step foot into the bathroom. He didn't reach for my towel in a way that would make me feel embarrassed or uncomfortable and kissed me a bit longer, causing me to drown in his unforgettable and alluring scent. "Don't be long." He hummed after we pulled away and I shoved myself into the bathroom, closing the door behind me and almost dropping my hair products due to how excited this feeling made me feel.
I was in love and I didn't even know it.
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