The rest of the weekend was absolutely shameful. Yukio wasn't lying when he said he'd hide all the chemicals. He'd even taken the disinfectant from the kitchen, so I had to ask him for it whenever I needed to wipe down the counters. It was humiliating, he'd even wait for me to finish so that I wouldn't pull anything. I was relieved when Monday came and Yukio went off for school. It let me breathe normally, which I realized I hadn't been doing.
"I'll be checking in during lunch and before cram, alright?" He adjusted his glasses and gave me a stern look.
I nodded timidly, "okay, have fun."
His expression softened, and with a sigh, he set down his notebooks. My eyes widened when he approached, wrapping his arms around me. Warmth soaked through his clothes to mine, and I relaxed into him. "I love you, you do know that, right?" I simply nodded, "because I don't want you to forget that, especially during times like these." He sighed into my hair, his breath tickling my ear, "I don't know what I'd do without you."
I forced a smile, "well, you'd be well on your way to school at the moment. You'll be late if you don't leave soon."
"I have a few minutes," he sighed, "but I'll go." He grabbed his notebooks and headed to the door, giving me a backward glance, "I'll see you later."
"Yeah."
School was already out and Yukio had kept his promise on checking in on me. Cram school was definitely in session at the moment, and I wondered dully what my peers thought of my absence.
I sighed, bored out of my mind. I'd exhausted everything that I could do. All of the chores were done or were off limits, and dinner was finished ahead of time. I had no homework, at least in the dorm I didn't. I'm sure I'd have to get a stack of papers once I returned, and that made me groan.
So, I did the most Japanese thing I could, origami. Hell, I think I've folded hundred of animals in the past two hours, and my trash bin was filled with scrapped notebook paper. I probably shouldn't have used a school notebook, but I didn't have the actual paper.
Kuro had walked in sometime during my paper frenzy. "Ooh, ooh, do one for me! Can you make me? Oh! No! Show me, I want to make myself!" I stared at him and I swear I saw him blush under all the fur. "Sorry, I got excited."
I chuckled, "I can tell, but I can make you one, that way you can see how it's done." He nodded cheerfully, and I felt a small blossom of happiness grow inside me. Right now, it was a little easier to forget what has happened to me. I wasn't a broken object in need of supervision, and I wasn't an object that could be used. I was simply Okumura Rin, and I was folding paper cats with my cat. It all seemed so normal, and I was grateful for every moment of it.
Time seemed to fly so fast, I didn't even hear Yukio walk in. "Nii-san-?" He paused, eyes wide at the scene before him. Dozens of paper felines were scattered about, some of them colored black from the permanent marker sitting on the desk. I had a few flowers in my hair and Kuro had hearts on his horns.
My furry companion and I exchanged glances, "I can explain," I said, my eyes returning to Yukio.
He burst into laughter, a wide smile on his face. "No, no, I think it's better like this with me not knowing." He shook his head, small chuckles escaping his lips as he took off his exorcist coat and hung it up. "I'm assuming you've been doing this ever since I left?"
"I though you didn't want to know?" He scoffed and rolled his eyes.
"Smart ass, well, whatever, it looks like you guys had fun. That's all that matters, I guess." He grabbed a pair of pajamas and walked toward the bathroom, I'll be out shortly."
"Gotcha."
.oOo.
It was after sunset, and Yukio and I were both on our beds. I was bored, staring at my ceiling, but Yukio was doing his homework. Kuro had already passed out on the desk chair, and I doubt he'll wake before morning. I was startled out of my trance when my twin called my name. I hummed and shifted in bed so I was facing him. He looked apprehensive, "about that bleach thing..."
I swallowed hard, "yeah?"
He cast his gaze to the floor, "you weren't going to... uh, never mind." He flipped through his textbook and started scribbling furiously. I stared at him a while longer, and was easily able to tell that he wasn't focusing. He put up a good front, but he's not as good at acting as I am, which I was thankful for.
"No, what were you going to ask?" I sat up in bed and leveled with him, making him sigh.
"Kill yourself, were you going to?" He had a barrier up behind his eyes, but I still saw the pain caused by saying the words.
I sighed and looked down at my fidgeting hands, "I don't think so." There was silence and I forced myself to look at him again, but he had his eyes squeezed tightly shut. "Yukio?" He didn't move, his fingers wrapped tightly around his pencil. "Yukio, hey..." Again, no answer, "Nii-chan!" He flinched, his grip tightening on his pencil, causing the wood to splinter and crack. "You okay?"
"...you don't think so?"
"What?"
He sighed deeply, his jaw set, "you don't know if you were about to off yourself?" I flinched and he took a deep breath, "sorry."
"It's okay."
"Don't ever do that again, you hear me?" He voice was stern and the passion in his eyes sparked something inside of me.
"Drink bleach? Trust me, never again. It felt like the wrath of Satan in my mouth."
He looked me up and down, at first, he seemed like he was going to argue, but then he sighed, a small smirk on his face. "You really shouldn't say that about our deadbeat father."
"Why not? There's fifteen years of child support that needs fixing, that bastard." He chuckled and I smiled softly, the two of us going back to our original duties.
Laying back on my bed, I truly thought about it. Did I want to kill myself? ... I'm not sure I have an answer to that, which was unsettling. I didn't want to die, no, I knew that. However, I had moments where I wished I could just disappear, to never exist, and I'm not sure if that's the same as suicidal ideation. Glancing over at my genius of a brother, I came to a conclusion: he's a doctor, he'd be able to tell if I was honestly suicidal. And to me, as long as I didn't plan on killing myself, that meant that I'm fine.
Yeah, I'm fine.
.oOo.
"Do you need another painkiller?" I shrugged, "it's been awhile, I'll go get you one." He got off his bed and started walking away, but he piqued my interest when he didn't go to the bathroom. Was he not keeping them there? Was he seriously hiding them...? Now that just made me determined to find out where.
When he walked back in, a small white tablet in hand, I dared to ask him. "Where do you even keep these things?"
He gave me an incredulous look, "like I'd tell you."
"Oh, for fucks sake, I'm not gonna do anything with them. It's just ridiculous that you're hiding them."
"Why would you even need to know? I give them to you."
I sighed and grabbed the pill from his palm, scooting off of my bed and treading to the bathroom. "Good point, I was just curious as to where this awesome, secret hiding place is." I heard him chuckle from the bedroom and I swallowed the pain med.
"It's honestly not that awesome, but that doesn't mean I'm going to tell you."
I walked back to the bedroom and plopped onto my bed. "That's fine, I'm over it." I yawned, feeling drowsy even without the medication. "Hey, can you do me a favor?" My twin hummed, sitting down on his bed. "Can you bring my homework home, or is that too much to ask? I know you've gotta be at the cram school."
I shifted and saw him nod, "I can make time, it'd be good if you kept up on your school work. It'd be less stressful once you go back."
"When will that be, exactly?"
"To be honest, I have no idea. It's mainly up to you, but I think the final judgement is left up to me," he flashed me an innocent smile, "seeing as how I live with you."
I chuckled, "and how's that going for ya?"
"Living with you? I drive myself slowly mad with every passing day." I threw my pillow at him and he laughed wholeheartedly. "Honestly, it's not horrible."
"Oh thanks. It's not horrible, well, at least it's not a failing grade." I clicked my tongue and he tossed my pillow back. As I lay on my back, my tail wagging lazily, my thoughts turned dark. "Hey... what's gonna happen to... him."
He froze, "he's not going anywhere."
"How can you be so sure?" I closed my eyes, a small ball of anxiety forming in my chest.
"He raped a minor multiple times, I don't think the court will let that slide with a tap on the wrist."
"But still, what if he... I don't know, there's always a possibility." I took a deep breath, my body was way too tense.
"There is a possibility, I won't lie, but that's a one in a billion chance. This is a dime a dozen case, no offense, Nii-san. But that's good news for us, because that means it'll go smoother." I knew he was right, but I couldn't seem to shake my nerves.
I chewed on my lip and took a shaky breath, "haha, alright, I believe you..."
"Are you okay?"
"Ha, haha..." I don't know why, but my eyes were watering. "I'm fine, ha."
I heard him shift on his bed, "are you sure...? You don't sound okay." I held my breath, my heart was hammering against my chest with no explanation why. "Nii-san, breathe." His mattress creaked and his footsteps approached me. His figure was blurry and I tensed, "hey, it's okay, what's wrong?"
"I don't know!" I cried, kicking myself up into a sitting position. "Yukio, I'm scared!"
"Hey, no, no, its alright." He hushed me and I felt his arms wrap around me. I felt like a bomb on the verge of exploding, every waking second carrying me to my demise.
"I'm so scared!"
"Shhh."
Tears slipped from my eyes and stained his shirt, which I held tightly in my fists. "I'm so scared..." I hiccuped and laid my head against his shoulder, letting his voice soothe me. I took a deep breath, the tension in my body slowly ebbing away.
"Panic attacks suck, Nii-san, but this was the first time I've seen you have one without a flashback." He leaned his cheek into my hair and sighed heavily, "you worry me, but at least like this," he hugged me closer, "I can protect you to the best of my ability."
I sniffled and took another deep breath, feeling the weight of exhaustion cloud my mind. "I'm scared..."
"I know, I know," he cooed, his fingers running through my messy hair, sending warmth down my back. "Everything's alright now, no need to worry." I sighed, my eyes too tired to open. "I'm here, and I'm not leaving anytime soon." He was silent for a moment, "you asleep?" I didn't have the energy to answer back, I was close to it anyway. "Hmm, those meds really do a number on you at night." I felt him move and the both of us were laying down on my bed. "I'm glad that bastard's trial is tomorrow, the sooner he's locked up, the better."
I didn't hear that last statement, however, or else I would've been thrown into another round of nervous tears.