"I'm sorry." Kairi did her best to contain her now dying down giggles and paste a big smile upon her face. He looked absolutely horrid. His face screwed up in confusion and distaste all the while his eyes were bruising more ferociously each second that ticked by - he looked like a constipated raccoon.
She coughed a little awkwardly to disguise a giggle and offered him her case and lighter. When he took it in his hands he did the same thing to her case as he did her body. She sighed slightly, taking another drag off the cigarette and waited for something, anything to be said.
After Holmes had carefully chosen a cigarette and lit it just as delicately with a flick of his wrist, he handed her back her smoking apparatus and took a long, deep inhale. "Nasty habit" He said in almost orgasmic tones.
Kairi scoffed at that. She always knew everyone hated smokers, but in the end she didn't care. It was something she loved - as horrible as it may seem - and one of the only links she still felt like she had with her father. "If you're going to smoke with me at least own it." She smiled slightly and he glanced at her very quickly, "And, hum, I guess I'm sorry for punching you."
"No you're not." He stated matter of factly.
Kairi shrugged, agreeing, "Well, I don't necessarily regret it. You were a total dick." She said straightly. "However, I would have preferred to handle it a bit more maturely."
It almost seemed like he may have wanted to smile at that before he took another hit off the stolen cigarette. "It seems I will be working more closely with you on this case." He stated and Kairi stared at him through a smokey haze, "I predict that means we should be somewhat amicable with each other."
Kairi stared in disbelief, "Amicable? You basically said I look like I just had a baby. Which I have not. So thanks a lot for that. As if it weren't already hard enough for me to feel good about myself." She scoffed, only somewhat jokingly.
"I don't see why. I'm afraid my deduction was cut off prematurely by your right hook." He announced, somewhat annoyed. Kairi looked at him sideways, still smoking and disbelieving. "Though you are single, you are not a mother. The stain on your breast is from coffee. It was too freshly made for me to realize the pigmentation was beginning to show through your sweater." He paused to smoke, "And the curvature of your body is not something to be sneered at. You're in shape, though you don't exercise vigorously. You have muscles, layered beneath the flesh of a happy, well fed woman," Kairi cringed at that. "However, still young, single, freshly moved. You had a family back home that you've run away from." She glared at him slightly and he seemed to ease up a bit, "Judging by your cigarette case - something that's been passed down from generations - usually to the eldest male, but I'm assuming your immediate family didn't have any." Another glare, "Its old, but not ancient. Probably from World War I - your great grandfather purchased it to hold his cigarettes while he was in another country, judging by the craftsman ship I would say Italy or at least somewhere that sold Italian goods. Water and pressure sealed with some slight damage, so he may have been Navy or possibly marines depending on his station. Passed down to your grandfather for World War II, he was young of course. Drafted. Carvings inside the case are about 60 years old judging by the amount of dirt and accumulated rust inside the divots. Then to your father, who served in the gulf and more than likely in Afghanistan or Iraq. Where he unfortunately died, judging by your morose, teary look."
She sighed, taking another breath from her cigarette, "You could at least show some respect before I feel like punching you again. I may not BE military but I damn-well respect them and lived with far too many of them to not learn a few silent and evidence-less ways of killing you. They were fighting so you could retain your freedom of being a complete prat." She growled around the filter.
Another almost smile, "Looks like you've been catching up on our local dialect." He nodded, inhaling deeply, "I don't apologize."
She glanced at him wearily, "I wasn't expecting you to." She replied honestly. "I'm surprised your even here. I was hoping breaking your nose would deter you from annoying me anytime soon, but alas." She glanced at him and he was staring at her, now a curious constipated raccoon "I wish I'd handle it better. I don't want to be known as the Violent Yank in Scotland Yard." She managed to finish in her best British accent.
"Attune to languages are we?" He looked at her and she raised an eyebrow, "Very accurate portrayal of a Londoner accent. I assume you speak a few languages judging by the flexibility of your tongue."
A sudden flush came over her body and she tried not to laugh at that, That would be perfect for those saucy calls. "Yes. We moved around a lot being a military family. All around America, Japan, Ireland and New Zealand for a little while. Then we settled in California about seven years ago. You're correct about my heritage as well in that case. My father left it to me three years ago when he was killed in Afghanistan. I was in the middle of school, working on my first PhD. Picked up smoking because of it."
"Horrible habit." He remarked again and noticed that she laughed softly.
"So, what's this case you so desperately need my help on?" She smiled coyly, dropping the cigarette butt to the floor and quashing it with the toe of her Chuck.
Holmes visibly bristled at the mention of desperation and help, but he couldn't help but admit he may need some at some point and it was his new fashion to not let a less than dull mind go to waste. "Information about computer software capable of extensive hacking of security protocols."
"Not the usual firewall basher I presume?" Kairi said, placing her hands in her pockets, waiting patiently for Holmes to finish his barely touched cigarette.
"No, its a tad more sophisticated than that." He admitted, albeit sarcastically, and took a long drag and glanced at her up and down again.
Kairi shrugged, "I never would have figured you for a smoker." She paused, "All intellectual and all that. Usually, people that have that high of esteem for themselves don't desire to poison themselves slowly."
He looked back at her, "I should say the same for you. Though you don't nearly attribute your intelligence as much as you've got multiple degrees that you completed at one time and by the sound of it a PhD, in what? Criminal Sciences?"
"Sort of. More specifically, computer science in the criminal field. I've been tasked with assisting many a great developer with improving software capable of tracking, identifying, and neutralizing threats." Kairi paused from her resume description and looked taken aback, "Wait, was that a complement?"
Holmes glared at her for a moment before dropping his cigarette and stomping it out. "No." He growled and turned quickly, letting the tail of his coat flip out in the wind.
Kairi just smiled at the hopelessly repugnant man, "Oh you just did that for the effect..." She murmured as he disappeared around a nearby corner and she made her way back to Scotland Yard to start packing up for the day.
Kairi just entered her small apartment not too far from Scotland Yard when she heard the unmistakable clattering of nails against the laminate flooring. Coming from her bedroom no doubt was a flash of black and white that came speeding towards her. The large, fluffy blur came to a stop at her feet and immediately crumbled to the floor, exposing his large hairy belly and flopping around like a fish out of water.
She laughed lightly, "Why hello Appa!" She knelt down next to her four-year old Northern Inuit dog and began rubbing his belly vigorously. As he wriggled around beneath her touch, he whimpered jovially knowing his master was finally home. She adored Appa, the only child she had and probably ever would want thanks to Holmes' glowing description of her non-babified body.
A sour look crossed her face and Appa froze for a moment, noticing his master's pause. He whined ever so encouragingly and let his giant tongue loll out the side of his gaping upside down grin. With a quick beat on her leg of his wagging tail, Kairi woke from her trance and glanced back at her favorite thing in the world and smiled, "Sorry Appa! Miles away there for a moment. How about we go for a walk after I pee? "
At the announcement of the W word Appa seemed to absolutely lose his shit. He jumped to his feet and began bouncing gently in place, turning in circles as Kairi made her way to her restroom. She shut the door and went about her business, hearing the chuff and puff of Appa's nose right at the bottom of the door. When she was finished she opened it, finding the large hairy beast laying happily at the door jamb, his tail automatically perking up and wagging out of control. She couldn't help but smile and commanded that he go get his leash which he excitedly did.
She went into her bedroom and changed into more comfortable clothing for the walk. An orange and yellow knit cap with ears and a poof ball on top on her head, a pair of jeans, a plain turquoise long-sleeved t-shirt, her pea-coat, and since she was in London of all places, a pair of clunky, well-worn Doc Martins. When she turned around, Appa was sitting patiently at her door frame, pretending that he obeyed her rule of never crossing the invisible barrier (except of course on holidays, weekends, week nights, and whenever Kairi slightly felt like a cuddle). She couldn't help but smile at the large goofy dog as she approached him and took the lead from his mouth, snapping it to his collar.
As they made their way through the bustling streets of London, she lived quite between Scotland Yard and Regent's Park. So her and Appa would make the long trek to the park and walk around for a while before they both got bored or tired.
Today she felt quite invigorated - probably the adrenaline from punching Holmes in his begrudging face. She couldn't help but snigger at the thought that the bruises forming on his skin complemented his eyes quite nicely. People glanced at her confused, a crazy woman laughing at herself with a silly hat and enormous wolf for a pet.
It was true, Appa looked a lot like the common wolf, a trait she loved dearly about him. His large paws beneath long spindly legs, topped with a lithe body and mounds of black and white fluff made him stand out against other dogs and even Huskies. His nose was long and pointed, his ears always pointing straight up unless in trouble or sulking, and his eyes were a bright and intelligent gold. He was as pig-headed as he was intelligent but that matched up perfectly with Kairi's personality. She had got him just before her father's death, when she was living alone in Los Angeles, miles away from her father's more obvious tentacles, and he had given him to her as protection and a sign of trust in her own responsibility. Being 25 at the time, she was happy he was finally admitting to himself that she was a bona-fide woman and not just a she-child terrified of her own closet (well, not always anymore). She took the fluffy ball gladly and dedicated herself to raising him properly with many an obedience class and many a trip to dog beaches. She didn't think England had any dog beaches it being half past tit-cicles so often, but she hoped, in her heart of hearts that it would be warm enough one day for her to venture outside in a sun-dress and dare she say it, flip-flops.
It was always amusing seeing people's' reaction to Appa. As intimidating as he was, he honestly loved just about everything except for the occasional cat and opossums. Oh, how he loathed opossums. He would walk down the street with his head held high, right at his mistresses' waist, since she was only 5'4", and bouncing along the sidewalk to his own merry beat. His favorite thing had to be children though. Most parents thought that he'd enjoy to lick the skin right off their bones, but mostly he just wanted to savor their delicious scent and the fact that they almost always had remnants of their most previous meal plastered somewhere on their person. She had got him licensed to visit hospitals in America as a therapy dog, but she wasn't sure about the protocol here, or if British people even liked dogs. Most did not, judging by the scorning looks they gave her.
But perhaps that was the hat's fault. It was quite silly, but she couldn't help but love it more and more each time someone stared at her as if she were mental.
They reached Regent's Park and began making their way along the outer circle. There were more pedestrians here, but Appa ensured a wide berth. Other friendlies with dogs would approach and talk to Kairi for a few moments. Astounded at Appa's size and resemblance, as well as his good nature and then of course the obligatory, "Oh you're American!" Most people were genuinely fascinated and nice about it, exchanging stories of being tourists in different nations across the world. It had only been once or twice that someone had glared at her or spat in her direction. She didn't let it bother her. She was very accustomed to feeling like the everlasting gypsy, traveling from one country to the next, hoping to widen her horizons or something poetic like that.
Once she hit the mark where she knew Appa was exercised and happy - his gait slightly slowed, his tail drooped barely and his mouth was wide open and if it weren't for the giant tongue lolling out on the side, she feared people may scream at him for being feral.
They made their way back to their apartment, happy and slightly sweating in the frigid air. She stopped at a local "Asian" restaurant, serving anything from orange chicken to sushi to pad Thai to pho. They were very kind to Kairi there, since she spoke some Vietnamese and Japanese because of a close friend and living situation, respectively. Tonight, she chose the Pho and she got a side of their finest Tai for Appa to feast on later.
Within minutes, with the Pho piping hot, she unlocked her apartment door, placed it on the side table near the door and began to do her usual disrobe of hat and outer wear. She was hanging her peat coat on the back of her front door when Appa growled.
Appa NEVER growled. Except at opossums.
Kairi pretended not to notice, taking a step towards the closet nearest the door and opened it. She wrapped her tiny fingers around the slim end of her father's Over The Line bat and yanked it out of the closet at quickly as possible, brandishing it as a mace as he she let out a warrior's cry only akin to Xena. The sun was setting on this gloomy day and a light finally clicked on in her front room.
She stood, with the bat held high and Appa at her side, hackles raised and doing his best Cujo impression. Her rebel yell slowly de-escalated when she truly took in the sight before her. The hand holding the bat, lowered slowly to the ground as her head tilted to the side in confusion.
A man, dark-haired, impeccably slim and proper looking in a very expensive suit was sitting in her favorite chair, an unopened and unused umbrella at his side.
"Its quite rude for both of you to stare." He muttered in such a fine English accent Kairi felt like she should be sipping tea - one thing she couldn't grasp was their love of tea! "Especially when its so hard to distinguish between pet and owner."
Kairi looked shocked, wanting to raise the bat and beat him with it a tiny bit, but she looked down at Appa and saw that he was now sitting, his head tilted to the side and staring at the strange man before them much like she had.
"I'm sorry, forgive my rudeness, dearest interloper, would you enjoy a nice cuppa?" She asked her voice sickly sweet.
A very slight smile formed on his lips, "If you would be so kind."
Kairi glared, "Well I'm not. You're shit out of luck, you found the ONE house in all of England without tea. I'm a purely coffee and whiskey type of girl." She growled and then realized her mistake, "Though not at the same time...usually" she admitted painfully.
He stared at her, his fingers forming a steeple beneath his nose in a familiar gesture. She squinted at him, trying to place the behavior, but was interrupted from her blazing thought process by Appa slowly approaching the gentleman and sniffing at his pant leg.
It was obvious the man was uncomfortable with such a beast at his feet and his hand slowly moved to grip his umbrella beside him.
Kairi let out a growl this time, raising the bat again and choked up her grip, "If you so much as blink towards that umbrella with the intention of hitting my dog, I will brain you so fucking hard you mother will see Stars and Stripes." She snarled viciously then calmed her tone to a deadly drawl, "I'm honestly not one for violence, but so much as look at my dog wrong and I will END you."
He looked up at her, his hand retreating from the umbrella and settling on a leather folder in his lap, a tight smile gracing his lips. He almost seemed amused by that.
"Not one for violence?" He almost laughed. "Well information provided for me hardly suggests so." He said again opening the file with a flourish that caused Appa to jump back defensively and cower behind his mistress.
"Information?" She scoffed.
He smiled again, that taunting, patronizing half-smile, "Yes, information. You see, I'm quite well-informed about interesting people in my country, rather the whole world, but more importantly those who reside in such close proximity to her Highness."
"No offense, but I have no interest in your Queen. I love this country. I love the law here. I have no idea why I would be on a subject list for possible threats." She finished as succinctly as possible. It was obvious this man was no normal robber, since his attire alone cost more than her whole apartment.
"I've come to understand that." He glanced at the file in his lap, flipping a few pages, "It seems to me you come highly recommended. Easy to work with, no issues or confrontation. Very matter of fact." He glanced up at her again, folding his hands over the papers in the file.
Kairi almost laughed, "Have you now?"
"Yes Ms. Aria." He stated simply.
An eyebrow rose and Kairi opened her mouth to form another question before she suddenly realized, "Wait a moment, forget the fact that we are suddenly having a decent, human conversation," She said raising the bat that had fallen slowly to the floor again, "Why the HELL are you in my apartment!? ." She snarled and Appa joined in just for fun, while still hiding as much as he could of his large frame behind Kairi.
Another pedantic smile, "Why Ms. Aria, it has come to my attention that you may be a threat to something that concerns me."
Her eyes widened, "Whoa, I don't know WHAT the IT department has told you, but I swear to God, that randomly manifesting midget porn virus on Anderson's computer got there on ACCIDENT!"
His face screwed up in disgust and confusion, "No!" He shouted looking more and more disgusted and confused.
"Well what is it? What am I so seriously a threat to in glorious England that they've sent some constipated -," Kairi stopped herself, staring at the man in front of her for a second. The scrunched nose, reviled curl of the lip, and the almost empty eyes. "Holmes." She growled, "Is this some kind of set up? He feels sad that some small American woman came in and punched him in his stupid face?" Kairi was getting riled up now. She could see the man in front of her was obviously uncomfortable, no one dared show emotion in his proximity before - well at least not this much. "That unbelievable, stark raving mad, idiotic Neanderthal!" She practically squealed, she had started pacing and saw that Appa was trailing her, his tail wagging and tongue hanging out while he waited to find out what else was involved in this new game.
"Please, Ms. Aria." He muttered, but she was still pacing with Appa following her, tail wagging furiously.
"Don't you Ms. Aria me!" She growled, pointing a stern finger at him. She knew that finger well, but was used to being on the other side of it. For a moment she was frozen, remembering her mother, she shook her head slightly and glared back at the man across the room from her.
For what may have been the first time in his life, he squirmed under her gaze, if only for a second. "Ms. Kairi, it has come to my attention that you may be quite useful when applied properly. There is a possibility that my employer may have an opening in their computer sciences division for such a talent as yourself." He paused, glaring at her seriously, "As for my brother-,"
Wait, She thought, What brother? It took her a moment, No, that cant be!
He continued, not missing a beat, "I'm sure you will have no issue with him again should we retain your services."
"My services?" She stared at him blankly, "What the hell is happening?"
He stood slowly, adjusting the fit of his suit and placing the folder he was holding on the coffee table - or possibly the tea-table, since she was in England and all. He buttoned his suit jacket and reached down for his umbrella, not without a small whimpering vocalization from Appa. He smiled at the dog in an uncomfortable, detesting way and then softened his features when he looked up at Kairi.
"Yes mu'um, a job." He nodded to the folder, "Everything about you and about the offer is inside that folder, along with a time when we will contact you again. Please make yourself available. Waiting for you here was a tedious process." He said disappointed, glancing around her furnishings in slight disgust.
"You can see yourself out." She growled at him, adding space between herself and the intruder with each step he took towards the door.
He paused with his hand on the knob, "It was a pleasure."
She nodded halfheartedly, still utterly confused as to what just happened, "Wait!" She called out before he turned the knob completely. "At least tell me who I had the pleasure of breaking into my flat?"
His mouth twitched ever so slightly at that and he turned his head to glance over his shoulder, "Mycroft," He said and his smile widened, "Mycroft Holmes."
Kairi's eyes widened. She assumed that if she didn't chill out, they would pop right on out without hesitation. She turned back to the table, staring at the leather worn booklet and grabbing the bag she had abandoned what seemed like hours before. She went to sit at the coffee table and pretended like she was going to open the food first but became quickly entranced by the worn leather document.
She snatched it up and began reading. Information about her family, heritage, siblings, school, extracurricular activities, previous men in her life - as disappointing at that was. Her palms began to sweat as she flipped through pages and pages of reports on her schooling, her personality type, pictures ranging from a small child to adulthood. Some were candid shots taken far away and some seemed to be taken straight from her family albums from home. More and more quickly she turned pages until she reached the final one, detailing her entry-level job into a more subtle sect of the British government, which paid her more than three times the amount at Scotland Yard. She assumed that since she as American that this must have been a huge mistake, but everything was titled to her. Even the first check, numbering in the five digits that was appropriated for her to purchase new clothes suitable for work.
She let out an extremely nervous titter, horrified, glorified, excited, and sick all at the same time. She closed the folder, reached out for the food and stopped herself, looking down at Appa.
"Appa..." He glanced at her, thumping his tail, realizing his favorite human was directing her attention towards him. "My Pho's gone cold..." Was all she could say.
Strangest day, ever.