Chapter Twenty-Two:
Zayn
The flight home to Bradford was long and all it did was make me replay the moment that occurred the day before. It was like a DVD stuck on rewind, everything was a blur in my mind after she looked me in the eye and said I wasn't right for her. The pain that was so evident in her eyes destroyed me, I wanted to shake the sense into her. Make her understand that she didn't see how much she meant to me.
I had pulled a hail mary when I said I loved her, and I had regretted it every single second since. I knew she wasn't ready, I knew that I needed to wait, I knew it would overwhelm her. Yet I had thought that maybe if I had said it when she was trying to break up with me, she'd suddenly realize she loved me too.
Though I may lead a life of impossible things happening, that was one thing that didn't seem plausible for quite a bit longer.
The more I thought about it, the more realized how the only thing I managed to do by declaring my love was further harm the way she thought of me.
"You seem so far away even though you're right there." My mum sounded slightly offended when she set down the multitudes of food she had prepared on the oak table that only happened to have me sitting at it.
The girls were all out with friends, seeing as I had come home and stated that I would be hibernating for at least the first day I was here. Though my mother never seemed to be able to make just enough for the people there, she had to make enough for an additional four people just in case some guests appeared at our doorstep. After setting down the last dish, she pulled out the chair beside me. Instead of looking towards the food, she had her legs faced me.
"What's going on? What happened since the last time I saw you? You're so distant now."
I took a deep breath, weighing my options. My mum was always one to listen to everything I said, I knew I could talk to her about anything. It always seemed easier to hide it from everyone, but the more time I spent with Joelle, the more I realized that it's not always good to bottle things up. Joelle had been bottling things up so long that she didn't know how to let someone in, and though she tried to let me in, in the end her system shut down and she resolved back into her closed off, 'safe' world. I didn't want to become so closed off from the world like she was, it just seemed to automatic to not let anyone know what was bothering me at any point of the day. Not even to the people I knew cared.
"You're not allowed to eat until you tell me what's wrong." Her voice held absolutely no room for argument and I was tempted to roll my eyes.
"I'm not ten anymore, y'know."
"You might as well be with the way you're acting. What happened? Some riff happen between you and one of the boys?"
"No," I sighed.
"Bad performance?" She tried again.
"No," I said.
"Comments from 'fans'?" She air quoted the 'fans' part, eyes clouding over with worry.
"No, mum. It's nothing to do with the boys or the fame." I responded, staring down at the chicken that seemed to be perfectly seasoned and tried to ignore the smell wafting up to my nose.
"Want me to just put this in the oven so it stays warm while you act like a little boy?" The slight smile at the side of her lips knew that I would soon succumb to the temptation of the food in front of me.
"I told you about Joelle, right?"
"Yes," her eyes dawned with the memory.
"She broke up with me."
"Oh, honey," suddenly my mum was sympathetic, her hand reaching forward to pat my knee.
"I knew it was coming, she told me in the beginning she wasn't going to fall in love and I managed to convince myself I could change her. I don't know why I thought I could, but as time went on it seemed more plausible like I was actually changing her mind about the whole thing. In the beginning I thought I could be okay with a simple relationship but I fell in love. She didn't. Then she just stopped talking to me and so I went to visit her and she was just told me it was over. That she wanted me to find someone that could love me, someone who wasn't broken." Now that I started talking, I couldn't seem to stop. "She isn't broken, though, she's just different. She sees that as being broken, and it kills me."
"And you know she's right for you?"
"She's the girl for me. There's not a doubt in my mind that she is right for me. I want to make her see that we can help each other and that my life isn't as scary as it seems. I know that my celebrity status has nothing to do with the way we get along, that she sees me as a person and not an item."
"If she means that much to you, why did you let her go?" My mum asked quietly.
"I can't keep trying to make her understand, she told me the way she feels. It's not the same way I feel and she's just not ready. I can't just make her want to be with me." I sighed for the third time, the food now forgotten as I realized how nice it was to get everything off my chest. "And I needed to come home."
"You know that I will never complain when you come visit, I love getting to see my boy and spoil him again." She smiled. "Don't let her get away from you, because girls like her are hard to come by and you don't want to lose out on it because you gave up too quickly."
"What do you mean 'girls like her are hard to come by'?" I was puzzled how my mum managed to understand Joelle when all she knew was the bits and pieces I had told her.
"You're not an easily pleased person, Zayn, you don't fall for just any girl who comes along. If she made you fall in love without any black magic, there's something special about her. Now don't be offended, but there is without a doubt something special about her if she broke up with you and isn't blogging about it and leaking your life secrets. She's not like Taryn. Feelings like this don't come along a lot, honey. Believe me, I know." Her smile was a bit sadder now and she patted my knee once more. "Now, I know what you're going to do."
"Oh?" I asked with slight amusement.
"You're going to eat all of this food to make me happy, then you're going to sleep for a long amount of time, then you're going to pack up your stuff once more and get on the next flight to London and then you're going to go home. You are not going to go chasing down Joelle immediately, instead you're going to hang out with your friends and enjoy the holiday. Then when you are ready, find Joelle. Convince her that she's not just any girl."
I knew that I would listen to what she said, I always did. Somehow parents always knew exactly what was best for everyone, whether or not it was obviously so.
Part of me knew that what she was saying was the right thing to do, but another part of me just wanted to hide out and not have to face anything for at least another week. Going back to London would mean having to realize that everything really did happen and it wasn't my imagination. I'd have to acknowledge the fact that Joelle did break up with me and that she might not take me back.
Then it hit me.
I knew what I needed to do.
____________
WOW I'VE BEEN GONE FOREVER AND NO I'M NOT DEAD AND I'M SORRY THIS CHAPTER IS SO SHORT BUUUUUT IT'S GETTING GOOOOOOD.
Y'all didn't need to hate on Joelle simply because she was doing what she thought was best for her. NOT EVERYONE THINKS THE WAY YOU DO. She is afraid of love and commitment, and you can't hate on her because you don't know why. Zayn shouldn't have used that on her and he knows that too.
To sum up the reason I haven't been posting:
I MET O2L AND HUNG OUT AT THEIR CONCERT AND I ADORE THEM MORE THEM LIFE. I went to Lion King Broadway AND WAS BLOWN AWAY BECAUSE AMAZING. My computer broke and takes forever to do anything which makes writing a pain in the butt. THINGS HAVE BEEN HAPPENING WITH A BOY. I've come to prioritize things in my life the way I need to instead. and basically the greatest of them all: COLLEGE.
I hope you don't hate me. And I will try my hardest to update this SOON! and I'll be attempting to update Lightning tomorrow.
lovelove
Katie