tw: self hatred, suicide scene found, marijuana, and fluff
((I am putting the suicide scene found in bold))
++ DANNY'S VIEW ++
My leg was bouncing the entire time we sat and waited for news. Stomach growling as I refused to eat anything because I knew it wouldn't settle and I'd throw it back up.
As a doctor walked into the room, she came over to Suzy and asked who was the most related to him. When I said that we were engaged, she motioned me away from Suzy and Arin.
"Patrick is on a suicide watch." The doctor says, as we walk to the front desk.
"A seventy two hour period where he is kept under serious watch and kept from attempting it again. But no visitors are allowed and perhaps for a few days afterwards as well." She explains, "We will be putting him on medication for depression as well. Is there anything we need to know before we start anything?"
"He was raped a few weeks ago by one of my ex-coworkers. So I don't know how well he would be with any male doctors." I say, pulling down on the jacket sleeves.
Arin went home and brought me a jacket because I was shivering so hard. The jacket also hid where I was scrapping my knuckles on the concrete ground outside. Little did Arin know this was Patty's jacket and I just held it close, the soft smell of him relaxing.
"Thank you. We will call you if anything changes now please, go home and get some sleep." She says before walking away.
"Can I stay with you guys for a few days?" I ask Arin and he nods, knowing that I couldn't go back to the apartment and be there alone.
"I'll just get clothes and meet you there? I'll take Suzy's car." I say and Suzy handed me the keys.
"Danny?" Suzy says grabbing my arm before I could get far enough away.
"Please be careful okay?" She says and I can see the sternness in her eyes.
"Did he leave a note or anything?" I ask softly and she let's go of my arm.
"Yeah- I'll let you read it at the house. Go get some clothes and meet us at home." Suzy says rubbing my back softly before letting me walk away.
"Please Danny. Go straight to the house- don't take this out on yourself okay?" She says before kissing the side of my head.
I leave the hospital and walk across the street to the parking garage, hitting the panic button on the keys on every floor. Before finally finding it on the fourth floor, one away from the top.
Climbing in, I crank the car and sit there in silence. Before resting my head on the steering wheel and trying to catch my breath. He's alive but that doesn't mean he's okay.
As I make my way to the apartment, I try to mentally prepare myself for what I'm going to see. Suzy didn't warn me specifically but did tell me that I shouldn't take this out on myself.
Pulling into the parking space I sigh, texting Suzy that I arrived safely.
The apartment was extremely dark, the time outside not helping me see. But knowing the apartment like the back of my hand, I make it upstairs to the bedroom without turning on a light.
I sit on the bed, not even bothering to pack as I reach for the pipe on the nightstand. It was half loaded and I knew where we kept the pot in case I needed to load it again. Finding a lighter next to it, I run the flame across. I couldn't care less if I smelt like weed; I felt dead inside and maybe this would help.
Flicking on the lights, I grab a bag from the closet and just throw random things inside. Before grabbing another one of Patty's jackets and holding it tightly. Patty isn't dead but just having some things that smell like him will make the time fly.
Reloading the bowl; I repeat the process. It's not even effecting me but I know once I start moving it'll hit me.
Hesitantly I go to the bathroom, keeping my eyes closed as I turn on the light. Upon opening them, I drop to my knees keeping my hands over my mouth.
There was water in the tub: if you could even call it water. It was tinted red and along the edge of the tub was a line of dried blood. The blade was resting on the tub as well, along with a bottle of Ritalin.
Perhaps if it took too long to bleed out, he would overdose.
My vision was blurred as I tried to catch my breath before sobbing. My baby was right here, crying out for help and I wasn't here to come save him. I couldn't protect him.
Swallowing hard, I pull the drain on the tub watching as the water disappeared. I grabbed what I needed and left the bathroom, sitting on the bed for a few minutes.
I laid back on the bed and wipes my eyes off.
What do I do now? Yeah he's okay but that doesn't mean I'm okay. I hate myself for leaving him here because I believed that he was okay. That I would come home to a perfectly healthy fiancée.
+++
I pull up to Arin and Suzy's, parking the car and trying to get a fucking grip of myself. I cried almost the entire way here, I had to pull off the road because I was starting to sob and couldn't see straight.
I need to pull myself together. Even smoking didn't help- I still felt everything.
I could still feel the pain in my heart.
Grabbing my bag, I headed to the door and locked the car as I walked inside. Suzy and Arin were on the couch, and in Suzy's hand was a folded piece of paper.
"Do you want to read it?" Suzy asks, patting the spot next to her on the couch.
"Y-yeah." I say, walking over and lifting Mimi off the ground and into my lap, "I went to the bathroom."
"You went in the bathroom? Danny- I was going to clean that I just forgot and I-" Suzy was ranting on and on.
"It's okay. I cleaned it before I left. The last thing I want is to come home to it and Patty see it." I say and Suzy agrees.
"I already read the letter. I know it's addressed to you but I got curious." Suzy says laughing a little at herself.
((Letter is back on chapter 36))
I force a smile as I unwrapped the note, running my fingers over the writing for a few seconds. It was his writing, he didn't type it up. He hand wrote his emotions onto a piece of paper.
I didn't realise I was crying until I reached the very end, Arin coming over to hold me. Balling up the letter in my hand, I wrap my arms around Arin softly sobbing.
"You know how much I love you Danny? I can't stand to see you this upset." Arin says, scooting Mimi to the ground to properly sit down and hold me to his chest.
"He just thinks it's easy for me to move on. Like he wasn't the best boyfriend I've ever had." I say, my voice stuttering as I balled Arin's shirt tighter into my hands.
"I really love him and I can't see my life without him. I can feel that something is missing because he's not by my side." I say and Arin softly shushes me and rubs my back.
"Do you want to go to bed? The faster you sleep the faster this day will be over." Arin suggests once I've stopped crying and am just holding his shirt.
Arin grabbed my bag and my hand as he led me upstairs. In the guest room Arin squeezed me tight and set the bag on the ground.
"Were down the hall if you need us okay? Don't hesitate to come down." Arin says as he leaves the room, shutting the door.
It's barely when the door shuts that I'm crying all over again. Holding the crumpled letter in my hand, he just wanted me to know that this wasn't my fault.
But it is.
I could have prevented Barry raping him. I could have fucking ignored him telling me to go and stayed home. I'm just too fucking stupid to realise that he needed my help.
He was screaming out for someone to help him and absolutely no one was running to save him.
I changed clothes and held Patty's jacket in my arms. Before making up my mind and opening the bedroom door.
Their bedroom light was off but I knew they weren't asleep. As I walked down the hall, I softly knocked on their door frame before standing there silent.
"Hey Dan. You alright?" Suzy asks, flicking on a lamp and sitting up in bed.
"I-I don't want t-to b-be alone." I say softly, staring at the ground as a blush rose on my cheeks.
"I get it. Come here." Suzy says getting out of bed, "You can sleep between Arin and I and get all the cuddles."
I walked into the room and crawled into the bed, Arin draping an arm over my waist. Suzy joined the other side and shut off the lamp.
"Goodnight boys." Suzy says and I feel her cuddle against me, wrapping her own arm around me.