Antidote
an·ti·dote
/ˈan(t)iˌdōt/
• a medicine taken or given to counteract a particular poison.
• something that counteracts or neutralizes an unpleasant feeling or situation.
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"Alice, it's me." Hayden voice speaks through my phone. I can feel a lump growing in my throat at the sound of his voice. I miss him so much. "I miss you, please, please baby, call me back."
His words are slurred and I know he's been drinking. Hayden is calling my phone after three months of me leaving him. Three months and it's his first time calling, while he's drunk. I wanted him to call three months ago, sober. I wanted to go back to him despite the cheating and pregnancy. Who am I kidding, I still want to.
I am so in love with him that I've almost considered going back, multiple times on different days. I feel so void and lost without him. My life consists of all things him and without him here, I feel like a part of me is missing, a lot of me is missing. Hayden was my beginning and my end, my night and my day, my protector and helper, my lover and my biggest supporter. He was everything and more to me, and without him I feel like I'm nothing. These nights have been some of the darkest, loneliest, and lowliest days of my life.
It was the fourth night I was going to the bar in a week, and that's a record. I've been searching endlessly to find a replacement of what I left behind—of who I left behind. I was searching for that perfectly tan skin, those deep troubled blue eyes, the muscles I wanted to run my tongue over, the plump lips I could only dream about having kiss all over my body, those large hands—holy hell, those hands. I haven't found it yet because though my list is long, my list is singular. I'm looking for him. I haven't stopped since the day I walked out of his front door.
He is the only man I have ever wanted for myself but neither him nor I could continue living the lie that we were in. Sure we loved each other and that won't ever change, but he didn't trust me enough to ever be honest or upfront with me and I was looking for him to be someone that he wasn't. We were never going to last and it only took him getting another woman pregnant for me to understand that. But even now, I still miss him. I miss his love. I miss his affection. I miss his company. I miss us and what we had.
Attempting to move on is difficult when I compare every guy to him. He doesn't have his eyes. He doesn't have his hair. He doesn't smile the same. His hands are so tiny they wouldn't please me right. His lips are practically invisible our kisses won't be the same. He doesn't have those abs like him. He's so short.
Hayden has ruined all men for me, I can't move on. And then I drink. I drink to get him off of my mind. I drink again because it isn't working. I drink again because that second drink didn't work either. And then I'm a bottle down and that's when I forget why I was drinking in the first place. I forget who I was comparing all men too. My mind is clouded, my vision is blurry, and I forget.
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The IV needle drips and monitors beep behind me. I struggle to open my eyes, my eyelids feeling heavier than normal. "My God, you're okay." I hear a male voice but it's not the voice I've been craving to hear again. "Alice?"
I blink heavily a few times adjusting to the new bright light coming from the window and strangely speckled white walls of the hospital room. My eyes focus in on the person talking. "Hey gorgeous, you're okay."
"Do I look as horrible as I feel?" My voice hoarse and throat dry. I sound like I've died and came back to life multiple times in a row.
"I think you look quite beautiful with your matted hair, hospital gown, and makeup running down your face." He makes light of my condition, knowing I look mortifying.
I try to laugh but even that hurts. Everything hurts. I feel fucking horrible. "What happened?"
"Well you almost died."
My eyes widen as he says this, "How?"
"Alcohol poisoning. If I hadn't found you when I did, Alice, you could have died." The look on his face tells me that he was frightened, anxious, and exhausted. "You were lying on your floor unresponsive, with a cup and a bottle of gin on the ground with you. And when I thought you had woken up because you were speaking inaudible words, you seized and blacked out."
I knew I was drinking a lot but I never thought it would have ever gotten this far. I don't even remember coming home from the club. Did I drive myself home? Did I leave with someone else? "How long have you been here?" I should be asking how long have I been here.
"I come in whenever I can to check on you, I keep an eye on your charts to make sure you're okay, and I've stayed here overnight to monitor you. Reign was here as well but she couldn't stay. Her new boss is not like her old one."
"You are my knight in shining armor." I mumbled, my tone light-hearted and humorous but very serious. I didn't want to die, and I am thankful for him being there at that moment to find me and save me.
"It's all I aspire to be." He was in his scrubs and lab coat, and his pager was going off. He pulls a phone out of his lab coat and stops the pager. "I have to go now Alice, but I will be back as soon as I can. If you need anything, the nurses button is right there tell them what you want and they will be in to assist you."
"I really have to pee, can I just get up? I'm connected to so many things."
"Don't be embarrassed, but you have a urinary catheter connected to you, you don't need to get up at all." Even as he said the words 'don't be embarrassed' my face was flushed scarlet.
As soon as he left the room I fell back asleep dreaming about the man I was drinking to forget. We were happy, with children of our own. He never cheated and I never left. It was a fantasy world, it was my fantasy that I wish I was living. But it wasn't my reality and that only saddened me awake, only to find him sitting there in the chair by my bed. "You're back." I mumbled.
"Yeah, I didn't want to wake you, so I was sitting here. I brought you lunch. You haven't eaten anything and that's probably why you're feeling weak."
"Thank you." I didn't want him to see me like this. I didn't want anyone to ever see me like this but he stayed by me. I sit upright in the bed and begin eating from the food placed before me.
"We should talk—and before you object, as your close companion and as a doctor I think it is only right for me to tell you this, and I wouldn't be doing my job if I didn't."
"Speak." Everything has a bland taste, but I'm so hungry I don't mind it right now.
"Reign, Channing, and I spoke and we all agreed you need to speak with someone—and not a friend, or a parent, or a coworker Alice—you need to speak with a professional. You've been through a relationship I never thought could ever exist, you were shot and never spoke about it, you got out of a relationship and moved away from Washington, your dad died and you took care of your mother instead of it being the other way around, you have been through a lot and all you do is drink to stop thinking about it all. I know you don't want to die, Alice, and I know you miss your ex, but you need to move on and get help for the sake of your health and your life."
I hadn't realized I was crying until the tears drop on my lips and I got a taste of tears with the watery hospital apple juice. He's right, and as much as I hate to admit it, I need help. I can't go on like this. My friends support me and try to help me as best as they can, but when they're gone I'm left with my thoughts, my emotions, and a full cabinet of fine wines and strong liquors.
"I have a list of therapist and support groups you can choose from Alice, it's what we all want for you."
"I will, I will get help."
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[a.n] I wasn't ready to let this story go! Ahhhh! But here's book three, I pray I don't take long to finish it as I did with Abstinence. Please add the story to your library to know when the next update will be. Thank you for every view, every comment, and every vote. I only continue to write for the readers.